What was your first red flag?

[sad but wiser]

Hi everyone!  I've read so many posts where hindsight would have been 20/20 vision.

My question of the day is, "What is the first red flag you noticed, but ignored?"   

I bet this could become very revealing!

[Lovingwife315]

Im not sure this was the FIRST but within the first 6 months his father told me not to marry him... .     18 years, 2 children and a ton of heartache later... .  

[mtmc01]

Within a week of meeting, was making me promise I'd never leave her multiple times a day, even during sex.

[Dave44]

She brought her 8 year old daughter on our first date... .   nuff said.

[maria1]

He asked to see me 2 days after our first date. I was tired, had had long day at work, just wanted to swim and go to bed, said that. he said "I need to see you". I said no again ":)o you always get what you want?" He said "No" but kept on until I agreed to meet him after swim, he was waiting for me outside the gym.

[trevjim]

Got a call saying she needed a friend, her son was in social services care as her ex was abusive to her and the little boy. That could of been a red flag and too this day I don't know the truth behind it all. Anyway we met up and hung out at a park she goes "we will be having sex within two weeks" I smiled then like I had just won the lottery! Looking back it was a red flag.

[healingmyheart]

Great question.  I can actually look back to our first date and remember that he got a little overly frustrated at one point.  He was driving around asking where I wanted to stop to get something to eat or drink and I was undecided and he got very weird on me.  It was out of character from the rest of the behavior on the date.  I remember thinking, "that was kinda strange."  

Also, the first week or so that we started dating, I noticed the influx of high volume texts and phone calls.  If I didn't respond right away he was worried or kinda upset.  I thought he was just a little intense beyond that I guess I just enjoyed the attention.

I remember when we had only been dating like for two months.  He had just given me his key to his condo so i could stop by and drop off food which I like to do so he had a nice dinner when he would get home from work.  It was valentines day, so I bought him a present and dropped it off at his condo.  I remember he called me and acted upset and asked if I saw anything I shouldn't or something along those lines... .   in other words, was I snooping?  Obviously, he was hiding something from me and to this day, I'll never know what it was.

[Wooddragon]

Sowing me a bunch of photos of his exes on the second or third date. Within the first month taking me to a party where I didn't know anyone and then proceeding to spend the night chatting to another woman. That should have been a deal breaker but he explained it away and I felt like I must be insecure & over reacting.

[Deleted]

Within a month and half of knowing me my exBPD told me some real deep dark past experiences , spoke about her ""horrible ex boyfriend who scarred her for life"" daily and it wasn't even anything negative just random remarks. Had me sleeping over her house for about two weeks. When she would get angry she'd blow it out of proportion I believe due to past experiences. Unfortunately I was an idiot and I stayed, lust and fun kept me around 

[Deleted]

I forgot to mention this all occurred during a 2-3 month period. She presented me with such heavy issues that as a boyfriend of only 3 months how could I possibly deal with that. She excepted me and the relationship to have the same amount if history and commitment as a 5 year normal relationship would have. I felt as if I was competing against the douchebag exboyfriends. My god I was an idiot.

[Deleted]

She would guilt me and evoke feelings by saying well so and so did this he knew me but that's all in their plan I guess.


Sorry i kept posting I just get reminded of more and more things, it's actually embarrassing on my part that I put up with that. I guess not everything that's pretty is good for me.   

[BorderlineMagnet]

That she bought everything. She wouldn't let me pay for a movie, dinner... .   you name it. And she always brought me something when she came to see me. That and her Mom loved me after meeting her twice. Think it's cause I was not the usual white trash loser that is her pattern.

[paperlung]

Before I met her in person, we would text each other back and forth, playing the question game. She told me she came from a broken home and didn't like to talk about her mom.

When I finally met her, which was when she invited me over to her dad's place (kind of weird if you think about. I could've been a rapist/murder and she was home alone, but she wasn't the least bit worried). But yeah, first red flag when I finally met her in person was when she showed me pictures of all her ex-boyfriends, talked a bit about each of them too.

[mango_flower]

Within no more than 10 days of dating her, she emailed me asking did I really want to know all about her past? I said yes, and she sent me a massive word document detailing all the bad things that had happened to her in her life... .  

[GreenMango]

We're a detaching board and I'd like to redirect this discussion into a more healing direction.

The OP raised this question.  

Hi everyone!  I've read so many posts where hindsight would have been 20/20 vision.

My question of the day is, "What is the first red flag you noticed, but ignored?"  

I bet this could become very revealing!

Most of us have these redflags and there are lots of reasons why we ignored them.  People with BPD are prone to unstable interpersonal relationships.

Healthy  A constructive discussion would be to explore what you ignored Sad but Wiser personally and the effects it had on the relationship in an effort to detach.

Unhealthy  An unhealthy discussion is to take a really broad term like RedFlags and open it up to telling war stories.   Doing this is called co-ruminating which is both rewarding and not healthy.

The term researchers use is “co-rumination” to describe frequently or obsessively discussing the "same" problem. The behavior is typical among teens and psychologists say it has intensified significantly with e-mail, text messaging, instant messaging, messageboards and Facebook. And in may cases it can spin into a potentially contagious and unhealthy emotional angst, experts say.

So Sad but Wiser, can you tell us what happened in the early parts of the relationship that were questionable but didn't cause any pause, and lets talk about how to work through Steps 1, 2, and 3 of the Attachment Leads to Suffering Detachment Leads to Freedom healing path.

[sad but wiser]

Very good Green Mango!  I had dozens of red flags and ignored every one, since he was in the middle of a crisis and said I shouldn't judge him by how things were just then, because he was a much happier person usually.  We dated for a year before we married, but I was hooked in a matter of weeks.

Furthermore, I was just coming out of another relationship, which was, yes, BPD, though I did not know it at the time.  I had never heard of BPD until 3 months after I broke up with my husband.

Looking at everyone's posts, it seems like we all had red flags.  We got too close too fast and it started seeming normal.  Does this leave us in a vulnerable position for another bad relationship?  Perhaps.  You would think we would have learned our lessons and that this would never happen again.  Especially since most of us feel like we don't want to get involved with anyone. (every emotionally drained, still emotionally attached)

What do you think?

[GreenMango]

Heck yeah we all had flags and most of ignored them.

Well I know you wouldn't be the first person to get into a relationship with a pwBPD while vulnerable or following a divorce/breakup.

Lets take a step back.  We make picks on partners, if we are attracted to a certain "type" then it's seems pretty consistent we would keep picking them.  

Maybe you could delve into some of why you ignored the flags because it will help to know for the future as to not get into another rough relationship.

So what was your thinking/feeling when you were experiencing some of the things going on in the relationship and maybe some more background on where you were personally?

[sad but wiser]

I was dreadfully insecure inside and wanting to be loved.  He was gentle and kind, intelligent and not pushy.  Just what the doctor ordered!

[mango_flower]

To reply a bit more after Green Mangos' update  

I ignored the red flags because of my genuine belief that if she had a good relationship, all the bad would go away.  I just didn't realise quite how broken she was... .   and she was good to ME, so I never worried about red flags in our relationship.

I don't think it was anything self-serving, except for genuine naivety that she could feel better if she just had good circumstances around her... .  

One interesting thing though, I do find that when people have a tough life, I want to show them the good that is in the world.  I don't necessarily want to fix them, but I want to share happy stuff to help them realise that there IS good in this world. x

[sad but wiser]

mango flower,

You are a very kind person.  Never lose that!

[GreenMango]

Sad but Wiser -

Feeling insecure sucks.  It's an awful place to be and really vulnerable.  I bet it felt good to have some kindness.  

Do you think that insecurity and neediness at that time may have clouded your judgment a bit when it came to looking at him warts and all?

Mango_Flower-

If she had a good relationship all the bad would go away?  Whaaaaat  ?  Why?  That's taking on a huge responsibility - Why did you feel like this was up to you do for her?

Why isn't your good-hearted presence and support alone enough?

[jaird]

My first red flag was after my father died and I was going to go to my mom's house after the funeral. This was so I could stay with my mom a week or so, and she wouldn't have to go home to an empty house.

My ex emailed me that she had gotten a room near my mom for Thursday night, and would be driving four hours across the state to meet me. First I asked where she had gotten my mother's address from, and she said "the internet". So, she had googled my mom or parents.

Then I said great, I need a night out of my mother's house, so I would take my ex for ice cream or coffee or a drink. She said no, just come to the hotel, as she would be tired from the drive.

I have never in 53 met a woman who did not want to have coffee or a drink and talk first before hopping into bed. NEVER!

That was my first red flag, an ex who was stoned, drinking wine, and just wanting to do me. I worked in law enforcement for 20 years, and have an excellent eye for when people are a bit off. I knew she was then. The next day she called me and asked me how I felt. I said I felt guilty. She said that is not what she wanted to hear.

I swore to myself after that first meeting, that no matter how flattered I was that someone would drive four hours to meet me and do me, I would never see her again. So much for good intentions, because a month later she was by my house asking to go for "coffee"... .   and then it all started.

[GreenMango]

This isn't a venting piece only.

Jaird - help each other out here by digging a little.  Why do you think you ignored this?

[jaird]

This isn't a venting piece only.

Jaird - help each other out here by digging a little.  Why do you think you ignored this?

I chose to ignore it. I liked my ex as a person, her sense of humor, her intelligence. In my wife's own words, I was a neglected man. I was, as I have learned the definition now, in a sexless marriage for about seven years before I met my ex.

So, i was a guy who was ignored, had dropped out of his marriage, was not having sex much, and was on FB too many nights. And then this woman who was funny and intelligent came along and offered me sex and wanted a r/s with me.

I ignored the flag(s) for friendship, attention and sex. And really, there weren't a lot more flags until almost a year later. She was pretty good for several months.

[VirtuousWoman]

The first red flag I notice is how much their words match their actions.

[jaird]

The first red flag I notice is how much their words match their actions.

One of the first things my ex ever told me was "I'm not like anyone else you ever met. I'm selfish. It's all about me".

I thought that was such a strange thing to say, and I ignored it as idle chit chat.

I learned 2+ years later that it was 100% true, and I should have paid more attention way back when.

[VirtuousWoman]

I've learned whenever a person has to sell their traits using lines like this, it usually means either they want to paint a mental picture in your head about them and/or they're speaking in metaphors. True character traits sell themselves by actions.

[jaird]

I would not consider that a "sales job".

It was clearly a warning.

[GreenMango]

Virtuous Woman - ignoring a lack of consistency between words and actions (ie Integrity) is a pretty big thing to ignore... .   and looking from this thread not uncommon.

Because this isn't a venting thread - and focusing back on ourselves.  Why do you think you ignored this lack of integrity and why do you think what looks to be a lack of good judgement among us, the ex-partners, is so common?

[VirtuousWoman]

Right, but what I mean by "sales" is along the lines of a consumer buying a car. The salesman wants that consumer's minds to be filled with thoughts about how great and wonderful that car would if they just took a chance on buying it, so they talk constantly about the car's best selling points. The consumer's mind is not thinking clearly because the salesman's has zoned in on the wants (the selling point) of the consumer rather than their needs, which is a good quality car. The detailer comes in and waxes the car all up, making it look all nice and shiny on the outside, but after the consumer takes the car off the lot and find out this car is not all that the salesman said it was, it's too late. And that's when the consumer realizes they should have been more focused when discussing the car. Hope that makes better sense.

The same goes for people. Whenever someone is giving themselves a good review, chances are they are not telling the truth because they are trying to cloud your judgement by giving you a false impression of themselves verbally.