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Author Topic: Finally brokedown today, in tears  (Read 2358 times)
paperlung
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« on: April 08, 2013, 07:06:31 PM »

It's been a long time coming, but it finally happened, and keep in mind I'm on an antidepressant. Last night I found myself looking through some old text messages my ex I sent to each other dating back to August 2011 when we first started talking, before we even met. For the record, I did delete her number, but forgot about her old number, which I still had in my phone. Boy, was it painful to read. I don't even know why I subjected myself to doing that. We both sounded so happy. What the hell happened? So I eventually stopped reading and went to bed (it was 4 AM) and I had class in the morning. I kept choking up in class, trying to fight back my tears. And by the time I finally got home, which was like only 15 minutes ago, I just started crying.

How could she have done this to me... .   After all I did for her, why? I feel so discarded, used, manipulated, unworthy at the moment. I know I'm better off without her. I know that, I really, really do. But it still hurts so freaking bad. I invested so much time, effort, and emotion into our relationship to make it work. It was never enough. I thought I found the perfect girl, we got along so great. But it all went down the toilet.

I wish it April 22nd already. I really need to talk to my therapist.
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Johan
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« Reply #1 on: April 08, 2013, 07:09:49 PM »

Stay strong paper lung, I also done the same not only a week ago. I deleted those messages, as I regard them as lies. They were too perfect for me to believe they were real. Thats how I dealing with such text messages, I know its hard. I still think of them, but make a positive out or a lie is all I can say, maybe the next girl might mean them and stick by us. Not run away.
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BorderlineMagnet
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« Reply #2 on: April 08, 2013, 07:17:57 PM »

Paperlung,

I'm so sorry to hear that. I do the same thing to myself when I read back emails we sent back and forth. It's like a road map to when things all went wrong, and even then it's confusing. It's confusing because nothing really went wrong. Her disorder and fears of abandonment led her to another man. Nothing I did. It's painful to see the emails in the final days before I found out bout the new guy and busted her to him. So much of my heart and soul poured out, so many kind words to her, so many reasons why she had no fear that I would leave her and her kids someday. But then I know I was being devalued then, so no matter what I said it didn't matter. He was her usual type of dysfunction and sickness, and I was not. She can know what to expect from him. It's weird, it's like she loved me so much and was so afraid of losing me that she went out and blew it all. Self-prophesizing. Nearly all BPD's do this. But it doesn't make it any easier when i read those messages and see how really happy we were, full of hope, love and caring. The messages when she was with him showed the devaluing me though. Inconsistent, to the point. It also showed her confusion too. Safety vs. the devil she knows. I still hold out for that reconnect, but it gets harder and harder everyday. The tears still come when I talk about certain things, other days I just drive myself crazy. But every now and then I can stop and validate that is was her disorder that left me, not her.
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seeking balance
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« Reply #3 on: April 08, 2013, 07:21:09 PM »

I wish it April 22nd already. I really need to talk to my therapist.

what would you say to your therapist right now?
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mango_flower
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« Reply #4 on: April 08, 2013, 07:24:23 PM »

Hugs to you Paperlung.  That's the absolute WORST, remembering the good and seeing how sweet it all was... .   reminds you of what could have been, and leaves you wondering what the heck happened for it all to end up like this when it was so perfect.

New day tomorrow.  Make plans, try to stay distracted.  It's just a minor setback. xxx
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jaird
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« Reply #5 on: April 08, 2013, 07:28:34 PM »

Hang in there bro', you will come through this and be stronger and smarter on the other side.

I have done the same thing others mentioned, read through 31 months of emails. She had at least 5 or 6 email accounts. It is a roadmap through our whole r/s and what went wrong. She went from adoring, to cruel, and very little of it has to do with my behavior. The last few months before we broke up, she was kind of cold. I see now that she was devaluing me so she could end it and not feel so much loss. It's a defense mechanism.

So while I was getting more committed, and being a better man, and looking forward to a life with her, I was unbeknownst to me getting devalued and she was preparing to dump me. I had grown tired of her rages, and she knew as well as me that her bad behavior, her rages, her inability to forgive, he unfounded, crazy jealousy, was off the wall. She knew her behavior was in danger of destroying us, so she devalued me. She knew we were "too close" her words, I was too inside her head and heart. And while I loved that soulmate aspect of the r/s, and I think most people would kill for a r/s like that, she felt threatened by it.
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paperlung
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« Reply #6 on: April 08, 2013, 07:31:25 PM »

I wish it April 22nd already. I really need to talk to my therapist.

what would you say to your therapist right now?

I'd first tell her my entire story. My relationship with this women. I haven't met her yet, but I got 75 minutes with her to talk.
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jaird
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« Reply #7 on: April 08, 2013, 07:35:09 PM »

Delete the messages if they are still on your phone. You need to heal. Delete whatever reminds you of her that you may see often-pictures, gifts, emails, texts. I kept only what I don't see unless I want to-saved emails that I will delete soon, and some pictures that are hidden away. One day, when I am sure she is gone and no threat to me, I will delete these too.

I got rid of everything else, and there were quite a few nice gifts. I threw it all out. While the r/s had some good times, and when she was good, she was very, very good-the whole thing is a painful memory now because of her lying and distortions.

Here's a bit of a reality check-You're ex is a BAD person. No human should treat another as so many of us on these boards have been treated. Your ex is F****ed up, and it is not your fault. Your ex is now someone else's problem, and believe me, unless your ex is really, really committed to doing that long hard therapy-she will be a major problem for someone else someday.
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« Reply #8 on: April 08, 2013, 07:37:49 PM »

I wish it April 22nd already. I really need to talk to my therapist.

what would you say to your therapist right now?

I'd first tell her my entire story. My relationship with this women. I haven't met her yet, but I got 75 minutes with her to talk.

ahhh - it is your first T - very good.

You are not alone and tears are good... .   we are supposed to cry to grieve - this is the healthy response.
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jaird
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« Reply #9 on: April 08, 2013, 07:41:41 PM »

I can tell you exactly what your T will say, because I have seen two of them, and they both say the same things:

1. This woman is no longer available.

2. What you had was not real. She was like your clone, and mirrored you.

3. You need to make a life for yourself, and your happiness should depend on what you DO, not on any relationship.

They can't bring your ex back, bro'. And they will even tell you that if she is BPD, it would never work anyway and the next ending could be far worse (violent). They will tell you that no one in their right mind would choose a relationship with a manipulative partner whom they can't trust.

And in time, you will see that everything they say is true. In time, you will look back and see the BAD, as well as the good. In time, you will realize just how sick your ex is, and how insidious an illness BPD is. It does not just "go away". It is there since childhood, and it is deeply enmeshed in their very being. Their thoughts, beliefs, emotions, and behaviors is who they are!
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paperlung
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« Reply #10 on: April 08, 2013, 07:47:07 PM »

Delete the messages if they are still on your phone. You need to heal. Delete whatever reminds you of her that you may see often-pictures, gifts, emails, texts. I kept only what I don't see unless I want to-saved emails that I will delete soon, and some pictures that are hidden away. One day, when I am sure she is gone and no threat to me, I will delete these too.

I got rid of everything else, and there were quite a few nice gifts. I threw it all out. While the r/s had some good times, and when she was good, she was very, very good-the whole thing is a painful memory now because of her lying and distortions.

Here's a bit of a reality check-You're ex is a BAD person. No human should treat another as so many of us on these boards have been treated. Your ex is F****ed up, and it is not your fault. Your ex is now someone else's problem, and believe me, unless your ex is really, really committed to doing that long hard therapy-she will be a major problem for someone else someday.

I'm going to delete them, but apart of me wants to finish reading them all first before I do; they go from August to February. Just as reminder, because I know not ALL of those text messages she sent me were good.

That reality check you speak of, it's the truth, and it's something I gotta keep reminding myself when I'm feeling weak/sad. She's NOT going to be miraculously better now that she's with somebody else. I tried to get her help, but she gave up, and has turned to somebody new who she has yet to kill emotionally.
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paperlung
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« Reply #11 on: April 08, 2013, 07:52:00 PM »

I can tell you exactly what your T will say, because I have seen two of them, and they both say the same things:

1. This woman is no longer available.

2. What you had was not real. She was like your clone, and mirrored you.

3. You need to make a life for yourself, and your happiness should depend on what you DO, not on any relationship.

They can't bring your ex back, bro'. And they will even tell you that if she is BPD, it would never work anyway and the next ending could be far worse (violent). They will tell you that no one in their right mind would choose a relationship with a manipulative partner whom they can't trust.

And in time, you will see that everything they say is true. In time, you will look back and see the BAD, as well as the good. In time, you will realize just how sick your ex is, and how insidious an illness BPD is. It does not just "go away". It is there since childhood, and it is deeply enmeshed in their very being. Their thoughts, beliefs, emotions, and behaviors is who they are!

Thanks for the support, jaird and everybody. I really appreciate it.

The thing is, I knew the relationship couldn't go on the way it was even just a month into dating. She told me about all of her problems very early on and knew that unless she got better with treatment, there was never going to be a REAL future with this girl. I held out hope for the longest time that she would improve, heal, and eventually the two of us could have a real, healthy relationship. Never happened. Never came close.  
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jaird
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« Reply #12 on: April 08, 2013, 08:06:28 PM »

We all love/loved our exes, and all of us wanted them to heal. I used to think that if I just lived with my ex, or near her, and loved her, she would be alright. But that is probably not true, because the issues she has, and the thoughts she has, and the accusations she made against me, most of those things have no basis in reality. That makes me really sad that someone I still care for and did love and maybe still love a little is so warped.

You know how this would have turned out if you had stayed with her. Imagine if you had married her, where would you be then 5, 10, 15, 20 years down the road? I can tell you pretty much where you would be, in the same position, getting dumped, after she had affairs. Being devalued and dumped again as she moved on. It's what they do. They fear abandonment and emotional intimacy. Read some of the other posts from people who were married to a BPD partner for years or decades. When I see that, I realize how lucky I am that I got out when I did.

I even found a therapist near my ex that specialized in DBT therapy. My ex said the woman does not take insurance, and that the therapy was expensive. That was over 18 months ago, before my ex got really bad, so we just dropped the subject. But in the meantime, my ex had money for so many other things that she wanted, she just didn't want to spend the money on herself. or she didn't want to do the hard work that intensive therapy involves. If she was interested, I would have offered to pay half. To me, this would have been a sound investment considering that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with my ex.

My ex bought me a book on loving someone with BPD. The book was so depressing that after reading about 50-60 pages I threw it out. The cases discussed were so heart wrenching, and you could see that the only people involved with the BPD patient are family members. Very few people have any type of romantic r/s with them.

I also met a woman who's nephew has BPD, and the nephew is the same age as the woman's son, so she has seen him grow up and seen what his family went through. Her opinion was the same, even families sometimes give up or stop trying for a while. There is no way anyone should do it for love or sex or a r/s.
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jaird
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« Reply #13 on: April 08, 2013, 08:43:41 PM »

Get the book Boomerang Love from Amazon. It's only like $20, and it's written by a woman who was married to a BPD man for decades. It's better than these boards because it's better written and she has more insight into the daily problems she experienced with her ex.

These boards can become like a lonely hearts club-"My ex is so bad he/she did this to me and dumped me". It's good to know that so many others are going through a similar nightmare, but it's on limited usefulness sometimes.

bpdfamily also has some good tools and workshops on the main page.

There is another resource I like, especially as first aid, but bpdfamily does not like the name of the therapist or her website mentioned on here.
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imstronghere2
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« Reply #14 on: April 09, 2013, 06:04:20 AM »

You know how this would have turned out if you had stayed with her. Imagine if you had married her, where would you be then 5, 10, 15, 20 years down the road? I can tell you pretty much where you would be, in the same position, getting dumped, after she had affairs. Being devalued and dumped again as she moved on. It's what they do. They fear abandonment and emotional intimacy. Read some of the other posts from people who were married to a BPD partner for years or decades. When I see that, I realize how lucky I am that I got out when I did.

Listen to jaird.  He's exactly right here.  I did 22 years, 19 married and I lost my life the day I said "I do".  That was the day my life became defined by what I could do for HER.   From that day forward, it was ALL about HER.   In the end of the r/s, she did exactly what jaird said.  Devalued me, had an affair and then abandoned everything.

Is that what you want?  I struggle every day with some aspect of the fallout and probably will the rest of my life.  Be thankful you got out now and do the best you can to never get into another r/s with a BPD.

Good luck to you!
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jaird
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« Reply #15 on: April 09, 2013, 09:16:29 AM »

Sorry for your troubles imstronhere2. I recall things charred had posted, and others.

I also think of my exes, ex husband, a man that raised two of her kids as his own. They were together 26 years, married 22. He had no idea she had affairs until his kids told him, after their divorce, to wake up and smell the coffee.
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Surnia
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« Reply #16 on: April 09, 2013, 09:42:19 AM »

A big hug, Paperlung! 

Yes, it hurts. And in a way it is good that the tears are coming.

Be nice with yourself. 
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“Don’t shrink. Don’t puff up. Stand on your sacred ground.”  Brené Brown
Mightyhammers
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« Reply #17 on: April 09, 2013, 09:45:11 AM »

Yes, it hurts. And in a way it is good that the tears are coming. 

Im jealous in a way, I wish I could cry as it would let a lot out but its just not happening right now
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paperlung
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« Reply #18 on: April 09, 2013, 01:22:04 PM »

I always knew I wasn't going to marry this girl. Not unless she got her ___ together/resolved her problems one day. Just way too many issues. She would even say to me from time to time, "I'm never going to be what you want me to be." I don't even think she knows what/who wants to be. It's really sad.
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jaird
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« Reply #19 on: April 09, 2013, 01:30:40 PM »

I always knew I wasn't going to marry this girl. Not unless she got her ___ together/resolved her problems one day. Just way too many issues. She would even say to me from time to time, "I'm never going to be what you want me to be." I don't even think she knows what/who wants to be. It's really sad.

I felt the same way about my ex. If she was ever able to get it together, and think and behave in a civil manner, I would have given her the church wedding she claimed she wanted and did not have in her two previous marriages. But that was a big "if".

And mine said the same strange things after breakup and before. "I could never be what you want me to be". "I'll never be enough for you". "I should have just been myself instead of trying so hard to please you". "You would never be happy with me"., and all those type of things. I have no idea what she was even talking about. I loved her for who she was, keyword here is "was". I had no idea she was trying to be anyone else or trying too hard to please me. I'm not even sure if any of that is true. Might just be more strange thoughts and feelings with no basis in reality.
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lockedout
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« Reply #20 on: April 09, 2013, 04:54:15 PM »

Probably the best thing to do is to pick a time when you have no interruptions. A Friday night o any other night you don't have to work the next day. Shut your phone off and eliminate all other distractions. Read through the texts from the beginning and feel all the emotions from them; both good and bad. When you're done; better yet, as you're reading them delete them one by one. You'll be able to experience all the pent up emotions and get them out of your system then eliminate the source once and for all.
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paperlung
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« Reply #21 on: April 09, 2013, 05:45:45 PM »

Probably the best thing to do is to pick a time when you have no interruptions. A Friday night o any other night you don't have to work the next day. Shut your phone off and eliminate all other distractions. Read through the texts from the beginning and feel all the emotions from them; both good and bad. When you're done; better yet, as you're reading them delete them one by one. You'll be able to experience all the pent up emotions and get them out of your system then eliminate the source once and for all.

I like the latter idea, but that would sure be tedious. We exchanged a lot of text messages, haha.
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MontyD
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« Reply #22 on: April 09, 2013, 05:53:32 PM »

Paperlung, go and have a read of my last postings !   

“I was going to move into her place... .   “

It works.

I’m feeling better everyday.

Monty

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paperlung
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« Reply #23 on: April 09, 2013, 06:07:57 PM »

Paperlung, go and have a read of my last postings !   

“I was going to move into her place... .   “

It works.

I’m feeling better everyday.

Monty

Yeah, I've been coming here every day since the 11th of March. Done a lot of reading, ect. I know at some point I will have to stop this obsession if I really want to move on completely; I'm just not quite there yet. Hopefully with therapy I will be able to.
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jaird
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« Reply #24 on: April 10, 2013, 12:38:03 PM »

Paperlung, go and have a read of my last postings !   

“I was going to move into her place... .   “

It works.

I’m feeling better everyday.

Monty

Yeah, I've been coming here every day since the 11th of March. Done a lot of reading, ect. I know at some point I will have to stop this obsession if I really want to move on completely; I'm just not quite there yet. Hopefully with therapy I will be able to.

You'll be there soon, bro'. Another month or two. Hindsight is 20-20. Don't just think about the good times you shared with her. Remember the pain she caused too, and the confusion. And realize that she will probably never, ever be well. And realize that there are healthy people out there who can provide whatever you need, and with less hurt and drama.
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Surrender
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« Reply #25 on: April 10, 2013, 12:45:18 PM »

I'm sorry and wish words could erase some of this agony. As for me I'm left trying to figure out what happened as well. Left wondering if any part of it was true or real. Wondering if I was so completely seduced to believe that I was living something that felt like it was more real than anything I ever had before, what that ultimately means about my own issues.

I'm left analyzing my own co-dependency issues and everything associated with the reasons why I was the one that stayed and was the one dumped by my uBPD ex.

I am now looking at myself to try and find the reasons why I was so enmeshed with a person that might not even have been 'there'.
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paperlung
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« Reply #26 on: April 10, 2013, 01:05:27 PM »

I actually found myself last night laughing hysterically over everything, especially towards her current impulsive decision to rebound and go move to another country to live with said rebound next month. Kind of like when Donnie from ":)onnie Darko" was laughing to himself before that plane engine came crashing down on him.
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jaird
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« Reply #27 on: April 11, 2013, 10:43:33 AM »

I actually found myself last night laughing hysterically over everything, especially towards her current impulsive decision to rebound and go move to another country to live with said rebound next month. Kind of like when Donnie from ":)onnie Darko" was laughing to himself before that plane engine came crashing down on him.

Well, there's no plane engine falling on you. The "engine" missed you! Thank God!
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Surnia
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« Reply #28 on: April 11, 2013, 11:50:10 AM »

  paperlung

How are you today?
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paperlung
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« Reply #29 on: April 11, 2013, 12:53:05 PM »

 paperlung

How are you today?

Every morning I wake up feeling the same; anxious. I guess it's from the dreams.

Just going through the motions right now. Probably gonna go to the gym in a bit before work. I got two finals next week that I gotta start studying for as well. Fortunately, my grades haven't suffered throughout this ordeal.

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