help

[help9111]

My mom has bp and wont get help. She wont work and my brother lives with her and he wont work. Ive been maintaining two homes and its killing me financially. When I talk about moving away or stop supporting them cuz its too hard, then I hear suicide threats or she will have to have my brother sell drugs, which he has , when I was so behind in bills. She said, look what you made us resort to and then comes... . my life is horrible, I should just kill myself. She has said she wants us all to live under one roof. No, im grown, need privacy and cant deal with their negativity. She keeps saying she wont sign her lease cause sge dont want to live there. I called her bluff by saying well, I guess you will find somewhere to go. Then she signed it saying she did it for my brother cause she gonna hit the lotto or sell her books and get rich. I said ok, but I thought, whatever. Ths has been since 17. Im 41. Ive had to help her off and on all those years but since my divorce she has totally relied on me. I told her im not supporting a grown man and the cycle of threats and verbal abuse begin. I make enough to support myself but not them. She is jealous if I spend time with anyone except her. Im gonna just stop the support but I fear,, what if she does off herself, is it my fault? Then I think bad like if she dies, I will have some peace which is awful, but im so fed up and i started out loving and understanding, now im getting angry. :'(

[Being Mindful]

Dear help9111,



I'm glad you are here. I hear your pain and frustration, especially the toll that being held hostage by both of them is taking on you. Of course you are angry and that is okay.

Here are a couple of links that can help you get started. Many members have found them useful:

The Five Stages of Non-BPD Recovery

Workshop - US: How do we know if we love our BPD parents?

And when you have time, check out these books:

Understanding the Borderline Mother

Surviving a Borderline Parent

So, help9111 we are here to help and support you. I look forward to getting to know you and learning how we can support you.

How are you coping and taking care of yourself? Do you have some friends nearby to support you?

Being Mindful

[help9111]

I am on depression meds and was seeing a psychologist free but I had to switch schools so I will not be able to go to school until august. Then, I will get one. It helps. My psychologist I had showed me how to set boundaries and contingencies which made things a lot better. He told me not to take the verbal abuse personally, which I did for years. I tell her not to call me or expect visits on the weekend cause those are my days. She was pissed but she has done well. I exercise, and try to do relaxing things. As far as help, my family is in ky and they are aware because she told them I help her but they say, they are not in it, that she always been the crazy one. So no help. I went back to school in hopes of better paying job and refund helps. I repeatedly draw on my 401k to aid.  Im tired of struggling especially knowing I dont have too. She did go to school, just to get refund and I said, pls stay in school 4 years so I can have a break financially. She said ok. It was great! I got my car fixed, could eat better. She didnt manage her money well but i only helped a month before the next refund. Well, after a year an said, school is like work and she dont like it. Then she started to say everytime she tried to do homework she had nosebleeds and all kinds of sickness. So no help moneywise right now. Thks for your response, means a lot. I was feeling guilty for being angry. I will check out those links and books! Thanks 

[hithere]

I called her bluff

Good for you and don't be too hard on yourself about the dark thoughts, everyone thinks bad things sometimes, it does not make you a bad person.

Your mom and brother are adults and need to stand on their own.

good luck

[XL]

Can you offer support without enabling? That might be things like helping her find disability income, food stamps, utility assistance, employment resource centers, etc. At least you could offer that route; help locating resources more than direct aid.

[chriskell]

I feel for you! I had to chuckle when I read your post because my uBPDm also thinks someday she will get rich selling her "books." I am around your age (a few years older), and my mom also lives with my brother in a home of mine. I spent many years worrying about their financial situation and trying to help my mom who was constantly sabotaging my efforts. Eventually, I learned to let go when I realized for her it was more about getting attention from me than making progress on her living situation. I have learned that my mom is a survivor who gets along just fine without me. I agree with XL and try to find ways to help without enabling. I make specific offers of help (offers I am comfortable with), and if she responds with something like "I have a list of things we will need to talk about before we can even think about doing that," then I say, "Well, let me know when you get that list made" and then she never mentions it again.

I know how it feels to be financially enmeshed with a BPD mom, and at times I have been depressed, frustrated, afraid and enraged over it. I hope you find some peace soon.

[chriskell]

One more thought - don't feel bad about the dark thoughts. I have those too. Who could blame us? My husband always laughs and says, "Your mom will outlive all of us. She'll be spitting on our graves someday."