How to apply validation to this?

[Depression = 72% of members]

How do I apply validation to this?

About 30 minutes ago, I simply texted my wife asked her what was for lunch?  She sometimes goes out to lunch on Tuesday's with her co-workers.

Her reply: ":)o u really care?  I'm not really high on your list and I don't know what else to do.  I GIVE UP!"

I have not replied because I don't even know how to respond to that.

Here is what I am thinking in my head:  "What are you talking about?  You have barely spoken to me in a week.  

I have tried talking to you over and over again but you won't even acknowledge that I am in the same room.  If you do acknowledge me, it is only to criticize every little thing I do or say.

It is very hard for me to like you or want to be around you when I know that any idle word, incorrect response or perceived facial expression will trigger a multi-day silent treatment.  I know I'm not perfect, but I am making every attempt to be good husband and father.  Besides going to work, I don't do anything that involves time away from home so I don't know how you can say that you are not high on my list.  I don't have a freaking list!  I try to do what I am supposed to do and it is never good enough to make you happy.  I don't need this anymore.

Obviously that's not the right answer.

Can anyone offer up a good validating reply?

Thank you.

[Indiana]

How do I apply validation to this?

About 30 minutes ago, I simply texted my wife asked her what was for lunch?  She sometimes goes out to lunch on Tuesday's with her co-workers.

Her reply: ":)o u really care?  I'm not really high on your list and I don't know what else to do.  I GIVE UP!"

I have not replied because I don't even know how to respond to that.

Here is what I am thinking in my head:  "What are you talking about?  You have barely spoken to me in a week.  

I have tried talking to you over and over again but you won't even acknowledge that I am in the same room.  If you do acknowledge me, it is only to criticize every little thing I do or say.

It is very hard for me to like you or want to be around you when I know that any idle word, incorrect response or perceived facial expression will trigger a multi-day silent treatment.  I know I'm not perfect, but I am making every attempt to be good husband and father.  Besides going to work, I don't do anything that involves time away from home so I don't know how you can say that you are not high on my list.  I don't have a freaking list!  I try to do what I am supposed to do and it is never good enough to make you happy.  I don't need this anymore.

Obviously that's not the right answer.

Can anyone offer up a good validating reply?

Thank you.

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[Indiana]

Another message:

"You have not given me the life I wanted.  The only thing I have is my kids."

These messages came absolutely out of nowhere.  I think she has lost her mind.

I know it may not be her fault, but it's not my fault either.  I'm thinking lately that I should just let her be crazy on her own since I obviously can't help.

[briefcase]

Yeah, that's tough to validate.  The good news is that you don't have to validate it.  It's ok to not respond.  

The trick to validation is to try to hear the underlying emotions that may be unspoken.  Is she feeling neglected, lonely.

I know I'm in the shrinking minority on this, but I don't like texting a "conversation."  So, if you want to validate, do it tonight when you get home - in person.  "You seemed upset this afternoon when I saw your text.  Is there something we need to talk about?" - or something like that may be a good opening.  Then listen to her.  Hear the emotion more than the words and acknowledge the emotions you are hearing.

If she gets abusive (name calling, screaming, etc.) then you can tell her you need a time out and leave for an hour or so.  

[byasliver]

I know it's tough - probably the hardest thing to ever do. But try to remember that she is scared and hurting and it probably has nothing to do with you. There is not always a need to validate but just to reassure pwBPD that they are safe. Maybe you could reply, "Yes, I care very much and you are one of my highest priorities. Please don't give up. I'm still here and I still love you."

Then just let it go. She may very likely try to argue and you don't have to participate in that. But the reassuring statement may be immensely helpful to her... .   even if she doesn't show it.

[Chosen]

I get stuff from my H like that a lot. 

He would say I don't value him at all, just hours after saying he thanks me for putting in effort for the home.   

So let me tell you what I will say, "Hmm.  I care a lot about you.  Did something happen that cause you to feel you are low on my list?"  (for my uBPDh, he will usually just reply, "You just are." 

If she answers, good, if she doesn't answer directly, or insists you don't, I'd just say, "I do care about you, but I guess it must feel really bad when you feel that your spouse doesn't care."

And then just leave it at that.  They can either choose to believe you or not, but it's not your concern.  You have expressed the "truth" from your side already.

[Allotrion]

Just want to pop in and thank you all for these suggestions.  I also get texts and/or comments like this alot. 

Plus, my validating skills are terrible, so any help or suggestions I can get out of these forums help. 

[Chosen]

Allotrion, my validating skills are poor as well 

I guess we all just keep learning!

[briefcase]

For me, validation was very much a learned skill.  It takes conscious effort and practice.  But, it does eventually come to feel natural.   

[amaris]

My problem is that I DO know pretty much how to validate and try to stay on my game and be prepared with his rage pops up out of no where and is totally crazy making... .   but when I start to breath again and sink into the thin veil of having a normal marriage he catches me off guard and I lose it too ... .   his accusations and hurtful ways are insane and I react big time... .   so when I leave it takes me an hour or so to realize I have blown it again by expecting him to hear my pain from his abuse.   I have to self talk.  He is not normal.  He will never validate me.  He thinks differently.  There will never be any reasoning with him when he is flaring.  He will never be able to offer me support in any way.  He will always be jealous of anyone I love.  and on an on... .   it puts me back on track and empowers me to be in control of me... .   and let his issues be his.   I have built a wall around me and have learned to pretty much tolerate him while he deceives himself to think we actually have a marriage.   

[pallavirajsinghani]

I have a slightly different perspective.

First, I agree that conversations should be done in person.

Where I have a different suggestion is that I believe that we must allow a person ownership of their own emotions and feelings.  So, perhaps beginning the conversation with a statement acknowledging that their emotions are theirs is a good start.  It subtly yet powerfully gives the power and control over their emotions back to themselves.  It absolves you from the responsibility of causing those emotions and also prevents the resulting guilt when you see that you have failed in changing those emotions in a fundamental way.

So, perhaps something like this is better,  "I am sorry that you feel so down.  Would you like to talk about it?  I hope that you will feel better soon."

If she tells you in practical terms what you did or did not do, then you can respond appropriately.  If shaming, name calling, criticism ensues, then you do need to say politely that you need a time out and leave for as much time as you need to collect yourself.

You really won't know what the least triggering statement(s) conversation(s) gesture(s) is/are.  You just have to do what you believe is right... .   that which does not denigrate her and that which does not denigrate you either.  That which is kind... .   yet not acknowledging mistakes that you have not made or shortcomings that you do not have.

Hope this helps.

[profplum]

i am far from a master at validation but why not respond something like sounds like you're having a tough day, hope you have a good lunch

if you get another text which is hostile - i'd then quit for the day & leave it until she decides to be more friendly/social, if necessary i'd even leave her a few days however it long it takes for her to soothe out of things

if it's any help i get messages or responses like this as well & validation is tough, it doesn't always work either but on balance i find life better since i tried to use the technique