helping the children understand

[Depression = 72% of members]

OK, last question for the day (I hope).

My 8 yr. old son wanted to talk to me about how his mother has been (mis)treating him. He knows he can always talk to me about anything. But he was reluctant to come to me because he was afraid of her finding out. So he did it anyway. He came and told me what she has been doing to him and I tried my best to explain to him that it wasn't his fault and she does things and says things that can be hurtful because she doesn't know a better way of handling it.

The point is, after we finished talking he said "what if mommy asks me why I was talking to you, she'll get mad if she finds out", (he's very honest and wouldn't lie to her even if it meant getting hurt) So I asked him how his day at school went and he went on a few minutes about that. Afterwards I asked him ":)o you now have an answer for mommy if she asks?" He smiled and hugged me and thanked me (he's very bright). I don't want to teach him to be deceptive or deceitful, but I can't have my kids afraid to talk to me because their mother will abuse them for it.

Did I do the right thing?

Thanks

[joe_schmoe]

OK, last question for the day (I hope).

My 8 yr. old son wanted to talk to me about how his mother has been (mis)treating him. He knows he can always talk to me about anything. But he was reluctant to come to me because he was afraid of her finding out. So he did it anyway. He came and told me what she has been doing to him and I tried my best to explain to him that it wasn't his fault and she does things and says things that can be hurtful because she doesn't know a better way of handling it.

The point is, after we finished talking he said "what if mommy asks me why I was talking to you, she'll get mad if she finds out", (he's very honest and wouldn't lie to her even if it meant getting hurt) So I asked him how his day at school went and he went on a few minutes about that. Afterwards I asked him ":)o you now have an answer for mommy if she asks?" He smiled and hugged me and thanked me (he's very bright). I don't want to teach him to be deceptive or deceitful, but I can't have my kids afraid to talk to me because their mother will abuse them for it.

Did I do the right thing?

Thanks

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[briefcase]

Yeah, its hard for the kids to understand all this - heck, its hard for adults to understand.  Unfortunately, if she has BPD, your son has a mother with BPD and that's now a fact that can't be changed. 

Its now vital for you to be a stable an available parent to him.  Let him have a voice with you.  Keep his confidences.  Intervene when your wife dysregulates around him or wants to impose an unreasonable pnishment. 

It sounds like you did fine with him. 

[yeeter]

You did great.

Keep worrying about it, that's a sign that you both care, and are paying attention.

At some point you two are going to get busted.  Stick up for him when that happens, you have to protect him since he can't do it for himself.

My S8 is opening up more and more about the dynamics.  He is going to have more skill than I do in another few years, which is the payout.  That he learns that it's not normal. That he develops his own emotional management.  That the long term effects are mitigated.  That he feels loved.

[joe_schmoe]

Thanks to you both for the replies.