Help dealing with BPD/ other PDs...

[Louise7777]

Hi again. Maybe Im repeating myself, but Im still having trouble on how to deal with BPDs.

As far as I can see I have 3 relatives that are uBPDs. They have very different personalities, actually. Im thinking BPD witch, BPD queen and HPD... .   Not sure, but anyway, the relationships deteriorated to an extent that I can only have short/ normal conversations with the BPD queen. So Im keeping contact to a minimum or NC.

Is there any reading material useful for such traits in this website? I found this, I will read it carefully: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108307.0

Seems to me when I stopped being a doormat and set boundaries they either raged or gave me the silent treatment. But even on silent treatment Im supposed to watch the histrionic displays. And also hear indirect remarks addressed to me... .   Im really exahusted and they dont stop... .   Maybe going NC for the rest of our lives is the way to go... .   Any advice? Thanks!

[XL]

In what role are these people? Do you see them daily, yearly, etc?

I have a huge family with a ton of disordered people who are always fighting amongst themselves. I don't even bother with the ones I only see once a year. I stick to small talk, try to keep the conversation focussed on boring topics, and then cheerfully wander away. Sometimes I friend them online, but I block what I see from them. I definitely don't get involved in their fights between each other.

People who live with you or are dependent on you are much more difficult.

[Louise7777]

Hey XL, thank you for your answer.

Thanks God they dont live with me! I couldnt take that. I meet them twice a year and from some time on rare phone calls. There used to be daily (draining ones) but I set a boundary.

Yes, there is a lot of fighting among them, but suddenly they are best friends. I used to be dragged in such fights, but not anymore.

When we meet theres no small talk. Since I set the boundaries they got angrier towards me and they give me the silent treatment or just say nasty things to others meaning me (I was painted black). My answer to that is silence, pretending Im not understanding.

But still, I cant avoid getting annoyed by all the histrionic scenes and weird behaviour. I just want to run away. And then, other family member tells me to "be patient" (although she herself gets drained too).

Am I the crazy one? I just want to run and never look back... .  

[XL]

If I gave a cr@p every time a member of my extended family ran away, OD'd or ended up in prison, I would not have a life.   

If they are extended family, and you only run into them once a year (like an aunt or great aunt, distant cousin), I'd just try to keep the conversation light and walk away. I tend to redirect conversations too. If they try to goad me into politics or drama topics, I immediately flip the conversation onto something painfully boring, like the coffee I have, and other types of coffee. I tend to wander off for food refills a lot too.

Sometimes I start a mental list of 5 boring topics to start. Most are food, weather, vacation, or animal related. I also start them talking about themselves and zone out "So, tell me what your grandkids are doing."

You don't HAVE to show up either. I have a few cousins who never show up to anything, and I can't blame them. I have a lot more that broke ties with our family when they were little kids, and they're just strangers. I probably have 8 cousins that did a total NC.

[XL]

I guess my point is this: decide if there needs to be a continuing close relationship at all. If there doesn't need to be, and you're just catching up with distant family, then make an effort to be as polite as you can, then don't worry about them the rest of the year.

It might get under your skin for a day or so at holidays, so set aside some time to de-stress. If it's too much stress, make an excuse and don't go.

[Louise7777]

Thanks XL! You really made me laugh with the "5 boring topics".  Refils are great, I did that... .   LOL. 

Flipping the subject is a great advice. I was not able to do that, I always got dragged in and that drained me over the years. It was like hitting my head on the wall over and over again, being stuck in a play I dont want to be. Also, made me very stressed and even angry and resentful. And I dont want to be that person.

It was my lack of setting boundaries that led to this terrible point I ended up. I really appreciate your advice, it will help me a lot next time I have to go through it, hopefully not soon.