uBPD mother, have I inherited BPD too?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I am reading "Surviving a Borderline Parent" and it says it is not uncommon for BPD to be passed on in families. It says "If you think you are BPD you probably aren't". I think I am VERY lucky if I don't have it because all the causes of BPD are there. I was sexually abused as a child, abandoned AND I had a borderline parent.

I am very afraid of developing this disorder (I feel like if I developed it I would never suspect?).

I'm 28. I think under times of great stress I do begin to have borderline traits, such as splitting and mirroring. However, I tend to keep quiet and leave a situation when I start to feel overwhelmed or feel like engaging dramatically. I have taken CBT and Mindfulness classes and I use those skills in times of stress.

I have a therapist who I see weekly, and I've read and am reading several books and resources on the disorder and the effects it has on children. I am also meditating, practising yoga, and doing mood journals.

If anyone has any other ideas about how to avoid, or eradicate this disorder - let me know! I'm frightened to death of developing it because I see what it did to my mother.  :'(

[skelly_bean]

I am reading "Surviving a Borderline Parent" and it says it is not uncommon for BPD to be passed on in families. It says "If you think you are BPD you probably aren't". I think I am VERY lucky if I don't have it because all the causes of BPD are there. I was sexually abused as a child, abandoned AND I had a borderline parent.

I am very afraid of developing this disorder (I feel like if I developed it I would never suspect?).

I'm 28. I think under times of great stress I do begin to have borderline traits, such as splitting and mirroring. However, I tend to keep quiet and leave a situation when I start to feel overwhelmed or feel like engaging dramatically. I have taken CBT and Mindfulness classes and I use those skills in times of stress.

I have a therapist who I see weekly, and I've read and am reading several books and resources on the disorder and the effects it has on children. I am also meditating, practising yoga, and doing mood journals.

If anyone has any other ideas about how to avoid, or eradicate this disorder - let me know! I'm frightened to death of developing it because I see what it did to my mother.  :'(

[Kwamina]

Hi skelly_bean!

I think the fact that you're worrying about having BPD is a very clear and encouraging sign that you probably don't have it. When I look at my own family, my uBPD mom & sis to this day won't admit that there's something wrong with them. In my experience one characteristic of BPD's is that they actually believe there's nothing wrong with them and therefor won't do a thing to change. Normal non-BPD people are able to look at their own behavior, identify things they would like to improve and seek out ways to achieve their goals. You're doing all these things and to me this clearly sets you apart from most people with BPD. It's very common for people like us who were raised by a BPD parent to take over some of their behaviors. The difference is that it's just learned behavior, and through hard work (CBT, meditation etc.) we can unlearn it. You're on the right track! 

[Louise7777]

I agree on all Kwamina said. Also, my uPBDs were never abused or abandonned and still, they are BPDs. In this case, it was quite the opposite: they were favourite children and spoilt over their siblings.

So, dont think it as a "natural development" for u. People react to same things in very different ways.

Take care. 

[ScarletOlive]

Hey skelly_bean, you raise a good question. It is tough to have the risk factors and then worry, "oh no that's going to be me too!" Many of us here have those risk factors too. That doesn't mean you have BPD though. Most of us have some BPD traits when we arrive here... .   we like to call them fleas.  Since you have a therapist, maybe you could tell him/her your fear? Also, the healing work you have done is amazing-CBT, mindfulness, yoga, meditation, reading! The fact that you are looking for ways to heal and seeking the good is excellent. You are most certainly not your mother. You are your own person.

What would change for you if, worst case scenario, you found out you had BPD? You're doing all these amazing, awesome, healing things and you would probably keep doing them right? Please don't worry yourself too much over this. Sending you lots of calming thoughts, much caring and support.

[XL]

I was the first to be diagnosed with BPD traits. I view it as an absence of skills paired with an unwillingness for self reflection. I didn't have the communication tools that other kids learned when they were little, and the therapy was really a kind of reparenting.

No one taught me how to end an argument, when to start an argument, it was totally acceptable to throw things or disappear for attention in our house. If you think you have these behaviors, inherited or learned, the same fix applies. Therapy. DBT therapy specifically (a lot of the skills are already on that workshop page SET, DEARMAN, etc).

I have occasional meltdowns (maybe one every 2 years) but by and large I am stable and my relationship is stable.

[GeekyGirl]

Hey Skelly,

I agree with ScarletOlive--many of us have developed fleas  as we've learned some unhealthy habits over the years. While it is true that children of people with BPD are at a higher risk for developing BPD, many do not.

You're already doing something good for yourself by working in therapy and in yoga. That will help you immensely as you work on the traits that concern you. 

[skelly_bean]

It's very common for people like us who were raised by a BPD parent to take over some of their behaviors. The difference is that it's just learned behavior, and through hard work (CBT, meditation etc.) we can unlearn it. You're on the right track!

That is exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you

Also, my uPBDs were never abused or abandonned and still, they are BPDs. In this case, it was quite the opposite: they were favourite children and spoilt over their siblings.

I always assumed my mother had a terrible childhood. She did grow up with her grandmother, and her mother was not involved in her life. But I was shocked to hear from my aunt that my mother was spoiled rotten for those same reasons. I guess the causes can range widely!

Most of us have some BPD traits when we arrive here... .   we like to call them fleas.   Since you have a therapist, maybe you could tell him/her your fear? Also, the healing work you have done is amazing-CBT, mindfulness, yoga, meditation, reading! The fact that you are looking for ways to heal and seeking the good is excellent. You are most certainly not your mother. You are your own person.

Such sweet words to hear! I can't hear "you are not your mother" enough times, as I'm sure a lot of people with borderline parents can relate to. I will talk to my therapist about it next session. Thank you for the encouragement!

I guess I am most worried that I could develop BPD traits and then not even realize! That in that state of mind I would deny I have a problem at all. At least during one period of extreme stress in my life (moving from one city across the country to another) I truly started to behave erratically and irrationally. People in my life at the time kept telling me that I was behaving insanely and I didn't believe them. I thought THEY were the problem.

Looking back I really recognize that I was the one who was causing the majority of the problems. I am afraid of that happening again. Of course, that was before therapy, before CBT, before mindfulness practise, yoga, everything. I'll keep it up and have to trust that knowing what I know I will be able to navigate the possible rocky times ahead.



If you think you have these behaviors, inherited or learned, the same fix applies. Therapy. DBT therapy specifically (a lot of the skills are already on that workshop page SET, DEARMAN, etc).

I have occasional meltdowns (maybe one every 2 years) but by and large I am stable and my relationship is stable.

I will check those out. Thanks! Also, that sounds like amazing progress!


I agree with ScarletOlive--many of us have developed fleas   as we've learned some unhealthy habits over the years.

It makes a lot of sense since our parents are our most prominent role models. I think "splitting" is something that has caused a lot of stress in my previous relationships. At least I can recognize it and try to own it.