Contact after the breakup

[sea5045]

Yes when mine posted she was moving back here on Facebook, my friend said don't give her any credit. It's not her letting you know what's going on, It's as simple as she's fishing to see if anyone is going to reach out with "Yay you're moving back".

It's all about her, and I complicate it too many times.

I look forward to June 29th when I don't call her for her birthday.

[GreenMango]

Sea,

Hang in there I know its hard to step out of the conflict and not get draw in.  And awareness on your part is hard earned. 

GM

[sea5045]

Sea,

Hang in there I know its hard to step out of the conflict and not get draw in.  And awareness on your part is hard earned. 

GM

Thanks I just turned a corner and had my whole plan actually implemented and she moved back here one week ago, she is already here... feel like my safe place is gone. It's not I know,  I just have to not get dramatic, stir up anything. Yesterday when someone told me she was here waiting for her things I said "Yes I heard,but I haven't actually heard from her". And that nipped it... .ugh... .just nervous... .

[tcevans78]

My x cycles between the boundary busting and picking fights.  If he wants something - he is all sweet and asking favors - anything from sex to an errand to money.  If he is struggling from too much stress in his life he gets mean and hyper-critical.  Then he gets mad and says that it isn't fair.  "If I'm nice to you - I can ask you for favors.  But if I'm having a lot of stress and I'm mean - I can't.  That's not fair that I have to be perfect all the time for you to be nice to me.  You should be nice to me all the time." 

This logic use to win me over and make me think I was a bad guy who held a dbl standard.  No acknowledgement of the fact I was being hurt or used. 

The other day he asked me for sex and I had to be very assertive in saying no (he kept thinking he could be sweet and persuade me).  He finally stated - I have a problem with sex (not the first time he has acknowledged this) and all I ask is that you help me out a little bit.  If you give me what I need I can do whatever you want me to - I can spend time with you and the baby and relax.  But if you don't it just drives me crazy all day. 

I use to make that my problem.  Seriously.  I did.     But not any more.  It was a huge step to tell him I didn't want that kind of trade.   

[PM10]

I know this is an old thread, but I just read it all and wanted to weigh in. 

As most of you know since I have been posting about it ad nauseum, I was recently contacted after a 6 week period of NC.  What complicates my situation a bit is that I am married, and my ex has been pressuring me to leave my husband for the last year.  In fact, I would say that was exclusively made up our relationship for the last 8 months at least.  From the 3rd day of our relationship he wanted me to leave, and he resorted to threats, manipulation and downright abuse (emotional) to get his way. 

So I read all the posts here about re contact.  I would say his contact fit under most categories.  I can honestly say I don't even know what boundaries are any more!  But essentially he contacted me to use all of his previous tactics to get me to leave my husband.  He first says he has moved on, and is going back with his ex wife.  Then he rehashes everything and tells me how the demise of our relationship was all my fault.  He then sets paramaters about what I can and can't say during our discussion.  He threatens with every email that he is not going back to our "old ways" and everything I say is unaccrptable.  He sends numerous long emails making a case for me to leave my husband.  He even, and this made me laugh, sent me links to pages about emotional neglect, and how that was abuse.  As if to say my husband is the one who is abusive, not him.

What got me caught off guard in this thread though was talk of how a "normal" break up occurs.  It says that the normal person would put up blocks to any form of reconcilliation.  Essentially that is what he did.  Granted, he wanted me to still leave my husband, but he would not back down from that and has now renewed his decision to go back to his ex wife.  So now this makes me feel (and this is something I really struggle with) like he's the "normal" one and I am the "crazy" one.

But then I think about how the communication made me feel.  I felt reprimanded.  I felt like a little kid being put in my place and being told what to do.  He said he had to control the conversation to avoid our going back to "old ways", but when I thought about it, this was EXACTLY like the old ways.  He could say whatever he wanted, and blame me and judge me, and anything from me other than a "yes sir, you are completely right" was a "wrong answer".  He would actually use those words.

Sorry, I rambled here!  I am still just trying to process this last bit of communication.

[Wimowe]

Do I have an obligation to tell my uBPDxgf that I can't be friends with her right now?

About three weeks ago, I unilaterally ceased initiating contact with my uBPDxgf without telling her I was doing so or why.  I respond politely to her phone calls and texts and decline her invitations to get together (e.g., she invited me to spend Christmas with her at her brother's).  I haven't heard from her in almost two weeks.  In the past, when someone has broken up with me, I've appreciated being told forthrightly and, although tough to take, it's been helpful to my emotional/ spiritual growth to know the reasons.  In contrast, I've found it very hurtful when someone simply disappears and refuses all contact.

I could initiate contact for this specific purpose or passively wait for her to contact me.  In either case, I envision telling her that we apparently disagree on standards of acceptable conduct in an rs/fs, and that I can't be friends with someone who behaves towards me as she does.  (One hazard for me is adopting a superior and/or blaming and shaming attitude.)  I'm willing to discuss my reasons, if she expresses interest.  The more I read on these forums, the less likely I think that will be.

We live in a small community and are in many of the same social circles, so I'm likely to encounter her sooner or later.  I'd prefer to have established an understanding with her about our rs/fs status before that happens.

I'll appreciate thoughts and suggestions.

[Wimowe]

What is the best way to dispose of the belongings (e.g., cookware, picture frames) my uBPDxgf left at my house?  Some possibilities:  (a) Shipping them; (b) dropping them at her house at a time I know she won't be there, without telling her (she lives about twenty minutes from me);  (c) telling her that I'll drop them at her house and then doing so at a time I know she won't be there; (d) trashing them.  (Asking her to pick up her belongings at my house is not an option.)

Currently option (b) looks the most responsible and least complicated to me.

[mango_flower]

Today ( 7 weeks after breakup) my ex uBPD gf called to say hi. I was caught off guard and answered the phone.  She had seen a fb post my friend had made that we were going on holiday and she asked "And I suppose I am not included in these things anymore?".  I was gobsmacked.

I replied that I didn't think her new gf would like it much - her reply was "You shouldn't judge her before you know her".  Errrrrm?

I get the feeling that this weekend her new relationship hasn't been going great, and that she was on her own, feeling lonely and miserable.

So from what I read above, I should NOT be reading into things that she wants to get back with me?

[GreenMango]

Do I have an obligation to tell my uBPDxgf that I can't be friends with her right now?

About three weeks ago, I unilaterally ceased initiating contact with my uBPDxgf without telling her I was doing so or why.  I respond politely to her phone calls and texts and decline her invitations to get together (e.g., she invited me to spend Christmas with her at her brother's).  I haven't heard from her in almost two weeks.  In the past, when someone has broken up with me, I've appreciated being told forthrightly and, although tough to take, it's been helpful to my emotional/ spiritual growth to know the reasons.  In contrast, I've found it very hurtful when someone simply disappears and refuses all contact.

I could initiate contact for this specific purpose or passively wait for her to contact me.  In either case, I envision telling her that we apparently disagree on standards of acceptable conduct in an rs/fs, and that I can't be friends with someone who behaves towards me as she does.  (One hazard for me is adopting a superior and/or blaming and shaming attitude.)  I'm willing to discuss my reasons, if she expresses interest.  The more I read on these forums, the less likely I think that will be.

We live in a small community and are in many of the same social circles, so I'm likely to encounter her sooner or later.  I'd prefer to have established an understanding with her about our rs/fs status before that happens.

I'll appreciate thoughts and suggestions.

If she approaches you, you can communicate your needs.  But calling to say after an extended period of time you cant talk or be friends just sounds like you want the last word.

I'd let this be.

As far as this:

What is the best way to dispose of the belongings (e.g., cookware, picture frames) my uBPDxgf left at my house?  Some possibilities:  (a) Shipping them; (b) dropping them at her house at a time I know she won't be there, without telling her (she lives about twenty minutes from me);  (c) telling her that I'll drop them at her house and then doing so at a time I know she won't be there; (d) trashing them.  (Asking her to pick up her belongings at my house is not an option.)

Currently option (b) looks the most responsible and least complicated to me.

If it's been over a month, I'd donate it.  Or you could give her the option of picking it up and leaving it out for her.

On a serious note, it sounds like you might want some contact with her for whatever reason.  No judgment. Piece of advice though if you do, give some serious thought to what you want from this contact and follow through.  If you want to give her the stuff and close this door to her then do that... .  if you want to contact her and try to sort it out in some way figure out what you need to say and how to communicate effectively.

[Wimowe]

If she approaches you, you can communicate your needs.  But calling to say after an extended period of time you cant talk or be friends just sounds like you want the last word.

[... .  ]

On a serious note, it sounds like you might want some contact with her for whatever reason... .  

GreenMango, Thank you for your response!

I take your point that I might be fishing for an excuse to contact her.  A part of me still does hope and believe -- against overwhelming evidence to the contrary -- that this relationship can be saved.  On the other hand, any contact with her has almost always been painful lately, so I've become aversely conditioned against it! 

I started NC/MC one day at a time, rather than deliberately.  I stopped initiating contact but still responded to her vmails and texts.  While I politely declined her invitations (and ignored her hintvitations) to get together, I never expressly told her that as far as I am concerned our friendship is done.  I feel like a coward, but I probably needed to sit with the decision myself for awhile.  She hasn't tried to contact me in over two weeks, so I'm sure she's figured it out.  When we were seeing each other, she complained about people who disappeared without explanation.  On my own behalf, I want to be satisfied that I've acted with integrity (although I didn't by persisting in the relationship as long as I did).  I do want her to know that I'm ending the friendship and why (we apparently have differing ideas of acceptable conduct).  I'm thinking a brief note (physical, not email or text) rather than in person or voice contact.

As for her belongings, there really isn't anything I need to discuss with her.  Although this will be emotionally hardest to do, it is simplest (most convenient) for me to drop them at her place at a time when I'm reasonably certain she won't be there (e.g., at work).

Thanks again for your thoughts!

[Wimowe]

As for her belongings, there really isn't anything I need to discuss with her.  Although this will be emotionally hardest to do, it is simplest (most convenient) for me to drop them at her place at a time when I'm reasonably certain she won't be there (e.g., at work).

Which is exactly what I did.  Logistically straightforward and it was emotionally hard.  I smudged my house when I returned.  No word from her -- which is just fine with me.

[awake]

Reading this thread is really helping me.  I have been breaking up with xBPD b/f for 7 months.  Originally he moved to Canada, from the US to be with me.  Swept me off my feet, we fell madly in love.  I never had such passion, romance and excitement in my life.  I was with him for 5 of the best and worst years I've ever known.  This break up has torn me apart, it was twisted, sick, euphoric, excruciatingly painful, sweetly poignant.  We never actually got back together, but we couldn't seem to stay apart either.  I have been as likely to contact him as he has me. I cycled through nc several times, but then he'd reach out with some excuse and usually I'd get drawn back in.  It's funny, because I'd make such progress with healing during nc, but somehow the connection was just too compelling to resist.  Of course, he's been charming and charismatic again, which is what I fell for in the first place.  I never forgot the cruelty and control though, I was never tempted to reconcile, but I just couldn't quite resist being in touch.

Now he has gone back to the US, he is 2,000 miles away and I know I will never see him again.  The sadness has sidelined me.  He emails and while I write emails in response, I never send them.  I am going to start filtering his emails into junk, just seeing his name in my inbox starts anxiety for me.  Being caught up in this drama, with all the big "romance movie" moments is like some kind of addiction.  It takes great strength to step away from it. 

[Surrender]

Wow that is spot on. My ex uBPD tried to emotionally blackmail me by trying to coerce me with guilt to maintain a friendship with him. He told me that I was his best friend and actual family. He said that I was half his 'Wing' in life. It was utterly contradictory because he literally cut me out of his life and immediately re-connected with his exes (sexually) to seal the deal in his mind but was expecting me to still be there for him. He used guilt trying to convince me that I after all was and am his spiritual family and best friend.

Twisted. So far I have maintained my boundary but I have to admit it is really difficult. I have not emailed him or called him. I have made every effort to NOT contact him. However, I know that it will only be a matter of time before he calls me to 'check-in' and see if I have "abandoned him".

I'm still utterly dumbfounded and confused in my feelings but I know that I have to stay true to my boundary and finish it in my heart. The question is can I still be his friend? Am I deluding myself by thinking in desperation that I could be his friend? Is that just a way for me to continue the false and deadly hope because I'm co-dependent? I have to look at a lot of things inside me clearly.

It's hard to Let Go but in my mind it is screaming to let go completely but my heart is trying desperately to hang onto any hope even if it under the guise of friendship.

I'm so confused... .  

[Surrender]

Hi there elemetia

You sound like you have things clear in your mind.

I guess the bottom line is if we go total No contact we must face that it is really over.

Letting go is SO hard even if our brain is telling us it is the right thing to do.

I am trying to convince myself that calmly letting go is actually a gift to my uBPD partner.

the wise board members have given me good counsel

I am sure we will all take one step forward and two steps back at various stages

It sounds like you have almost convinced yourself of the best path for you

Stay strong but vent your confusion here in this safe place

I am so grateful for finding this space

Look after yourself

In the end we will have derived at the very same place so might as well just let go right now. Why prolong the agony, the pain the suffering for one empty word that we will cling to because we are so desperate? If I let go now it will spare me some extra pain that frankly I don't think I can endure at this point. I won't change the outcome if I hang onto what ever scraps are flung my way. The end is the same. That is the cruel reality. So if that is ultimately the reality which I know it IS, then I'd rather let go completely now and get on with my life. What ever life that is because right now it certainly doesn't feel like much, but it's something.

I have a hard time knowing who I am without him and that is what I need to recover and get back.