EX BPD Won't look at me or say anything to me.

[jonnyz]

 OUr town has two gas station. My exBPD works all the time at one of them.  It is  on my way home , so it is easy for me to go to for gas whenI'm running on empty. This happen to me a couple time s in the last two weeks.   I had to stop for gas and she was working. It was like about 9:30 p.m.  There was no one in the Gas station except me and her.  I stood at the counter for about 3:00 minutes could not see her. She seem to be hinding under the counter.  I know she had to turn the pump on for me to use, which also seem to take along time.   She finally waited on me. She did not look at me.  ask her how she had been?  She did not acknowledge my question.  She gave me my change. she did ask if I wanted my recipt. I said yes and thank you.  She never once look at me. even when she gave me my change.    It was like She did not know me or I did not exist.   I'm confused by this behavior.    About a week later I was going home and the gas light came on.  I stop there for gas again. She was working. UGH!   This time she did look at me at first, but still treated like she did not know me and really did not look at me.  I did not ask her and question this time and left.   My Question  is what does this mean?  IS it guilt on her part or something esle.  I do not understand this behavior.   What is going on here?

[OTH]

I would take it as a sign that she doesn't want to talk to you or think about you. I'm sure that is very frustrating to experience. If this is making you uncomfortable I would pay closer attention to my gas gage. If you are seeking some sort of closure or understanding from her it looks like a lost cause. Is this an issue with you?

[Surnia]

jonnyz

Yes, it is hard to bear being treated like air. 

Perhaps she is feeling shame, perhaps she is fearful you could ask her something. Only she can know it.

How do you feel about her doing this?

[jonnyz]

jonnyz

Yes, it is hard to bear being treated like air. 

Perhaps she is feeling shame, perhaps she is fearful you could ask her something. Only she can know it.

How do you feel about her doing this?

I hate it.  I makes no logic sence.  I'm starting to except it.  I know she is mad because I'm friend with her oldest daughter (18).  I left it to daughter wheather or not to stay friends and she choose to stay friends.   I just don't understand it.  I was very good to her.  I really don't deserve to be treated like she was treated me.

[jonnyz]

I would take it as a sign that she doesn't want to talk to you or think about you. I'm sure that is very frustrating to experience. If this is making you uncomfortable I would pay closer attention to my gas gage. If you are seeking some sort of closure or understanding from her it looks like a lost cause. Is this an issue with you?

  well, i know she needs a stable good person in her life.  Also I really don't know why she broke up with me.  There was really no logic reason for her to do that.  I quess we go tto close.   There is just no logic or closer to this.  I'm working on accepting what has happen. Yes, I'm being more aware of thegas gauge.  I sweaer she is only perwson working there.  Thank you for coment.

[BorderlineMagnet]

Jonnyz,

I feel your pain, that sounds awful. It does sounds like she might have a lot of "core shame". The most messed up thing about this is she might have left you because she didn't feel worthy of you. That she feels doesn't deserve someone nice and stable. I'm in a similar predicament with my ex pwBPD. I'm really scared to send her an olive branch email on the anniversary of our meeting early next month. With all the advice I've picked up from this board my ex probably is the same way. I was much different than her usual lowlifes that use and abuse her. I don't think she felt worthy of my kindness or love. She went out and found a loser that is pretty much just using her for sex from what I can tell. It's not logical at all, but that's BPD. Now I get more and more anxious as that day approaches to send the email. I feel like my chances are A) 50% That she will respond positively (she was not a hater even when confronted, and left herself a back door), B) 35% That she won't respond at all, and C) 25% that she will respond with anger. The worst for me would be no response actually. So really, I feel for what you are going through.

[HarmKrakow]

I would take it as a sign that she doesn't want to talk to you or think about you. I'm sure that is very frustrating to experience. If this is making you uncomfortable I would pay closer attention to my gas gage. If you are seeking some sort of closure or understanding from her it looks like a lost cause. Is this an issue with you?

  well, i know she needs a stable good person in her life.  Also I really don't know why she broke up with me.  There was really no logic reason for her to do that.  I quess we go tto close.   There is just no logic or closer to this.  I'm working on accepting what has happen. Yes, I'm being more aware of thegas gauge.  I sweaer she is only perwson working there.  Thank you for coment.

BPDers don't react with logic. They don't act logically. They move on, don't want to face it, are emotional immature, and every time a r/s breaks they take that baggage with them to the next one and because they don't process the next one might become even rockier than yours.

They are ill. They can't help it. I'm exactly the same, I want some sense of closure, i've always had good closure from other r/s. Always. This one? None... .   but ... . hold on... . doesn't that clearly confirm she is mentally ill? And emotional immature? Why would you want to take care of that?

BPD is a illness, and there is no logic. My shrink often told me, stop making sense of the chaos. It will only hurt you more because when you seek for answers you are going to open a black hole.

[Rocknut]

exact same thing happened to me.

My boyfriend cut off communication with me. I went to see him at work. When he saw me, he literally looked like he had seen a ghost. He turn around and RAN in the restaurant cooler. This man I dated for 5 months just ran in to the cooler when he saw me.

It has no logic. I spent a lot of time trying to figure it out. Others are right. It's probably shame.

[OTH]

She has to be responsible for her needs. Sometimes letting somebody sit with their mistakes produces change... .   of course sometimes not but by stepping back and letting somebody own their own life it gives them a chance to grow. As harm notes this is kind of the script for people with BPD traits. It is very difficult to experience. I went through something very similar.

What are you doing during this time to take care of your own health? Try not to dwell on it and spend some time thinking about how you can make your own life better. If your life becomes focused on somebody else's  emotional problems you are putting your own emotional health at risk. Kind of like the advice on the airplane. Make sure your oxygen mask is in place before helping others.

I would take it as a sign that she doesn't want to talk to you or think about you. I'm sure that is very frustrating to experience. If this is making you uncomfortable I would pay closer attention to my gas gage. If you are seeking some sort of closure or understanding from her it looks like a lost cause. Is this an issue with you?

  well, i know she needs a stable good person in her life.  Also I really don't know why she broke up with me.  There was really no logic reason for her to do that.  I quess we go tto close.   There is just no logic or closer to this.  I'm working on accepting what has happen. Yes, I'm being more aware of thegas gauge.  I sweaer she is only perwson working there.  Thank you for coment.

[jonnyz]

Jonnyz,

I feel your pain, that sounds awful. It does sounds like she might have a lot of "core shame". The most messed up thing about this is she might have left you because she didn't feel worthy of you. That she feels doesn't deserve someone nice and stable. I'm in a similar predicament with my ex pwBPD. I'm really scared to send her an olive branch email on the anniversary of our meeting early next month. With all the advice I've picked up from this board my ex probably is the same way. I was much different than her usual lowlifes that use and abuse her. I don't think she felt worthy of my kindness or love. She went out and found a loser that is pretty much just using her for sex from what I can tell. It's not logical at all, but that's BPD. Now I get more and more anxious as that day approaches to send the email. I feel like my chances are A) 50% That she will respond positively (she was not a hater even when confronted, and left herself a back door), B) 35% That she won't respond at all, and C) 25% that she will respond with anger. The worst for me would be no response actually. So really, I feel for what you are going through.


  I think you may be right. Cause when she was with me one time she said she did not deserve me.   If I were you  and allI have read on here. I would not send that email or worry over it.  From what i have read on this site even if the y come back. they really only come back to recycle.    What makes this really bad is I dated her in high school for 2 year 25 years ago. She was my first love.

[jonnyz]

She has to be responsible for her needs. Sometimes letting somebody sit with their mistakes produces change... .   of course sometimes not but by stepping back and letting somebody own their own life it gives them a chance to grow. As harm notes this is kind of the script for people with BPD traits. It is very difficult to experience. I went through something very similar.

What are you doing during this time to take care of your own health? Try not to dwell on it and spend some time thinking about how you can make your own life better. If your life becomes focused on somebody else's  emotional problems you are putting your own emotional health at risk. Kind of like the advice on the airplane. Make sure your oxygen mask is in place before helping others.

  LOL! on the Oxygen mask remark.  I have been working on my self.  It did hurt when she would not look at me or talk to me.   I have accepted what is going on.   It would not have been so bad ,but she was my first love and girl freind in high school 25 years ago.  If not for that Losing again would not been so hard on me.  Thank you.

I would take it as a sign that she doesn't want to talk to you or think about you. I'm sure that is very frustrating to experience. If this is making you uncomfortable I would pay closer attention to my gas gage. If you are seeking some sort of closure or understanding from her it looks like a lost cause. Is this an issue with you?

  well, i know she needs a stable good person in her life.  Also I really don't know why she broke up with me.  There was really no logic reason for her to do that.  I quess we go tto close.   There is just no logic or closer to this.  I'm working on accepting what has happen. Yes, I'm being more aware of thegas gauge.  I sweaer she is only perwson working there.  Thank you for coment.

[jonnyz]

exact same thing happened to me.

My boyfriend cut off communication with me. I went to see him at work. When he saw me, he literally looked like he had seen a ghost. He turn around and RAN in the restaurant cooler. This man I dated for 5 months just ran in to the cooler when he saw me.

It has no logic. I spent a lot of time trying to figure it out. Others are right. It's probably shame.

  WOW!    One thing I have learned ove rthsy last 5 months of dealing with  this person is alot of what they do is not logic, but impulsive. You will drive your self nuts trying to make logical sense out of it.   Laugher is tha the best med.

[jonnyz]

I would take it as a sign that she doesn't want to talk to you or think about you. I'm sure that is very frustrating to experience. If this is making you uncomfortable I would pay closer attention to my gas gage. If you are seeking some sort of closure or understanding from her it looks like a lost cause. Is this an issue with you?

  well, i know she needs a stable good person in her life.  Also I really don't know why she broke up with me.  There was really no logic reason for her to do that.  I quess we go tto close.   There is just no logic or closer to this.  I'm working on accepting what has happen. Yes, I'm being more aware of thegas gauge.  I sweaer she is only perwson working there.  Thank you for coment.

BPDers don't react with logic. They don't act logically. They move on, don't want to face it, are emotional immature, and every time a r/s breaks they take that baggage with them to the next one and because they don't process the next one might become even rockier than yours.

They are ill. They can't help it. I'm exactly the same, I want some sense of closure, i've always had good closure from other r/s. Always. This one? None... .   but ... . hold on... . doesn't that clearly confirm she is mentally ill? And emotional immature? Why would you want to take care of that?

BPD is a illness, and there is no logic. My shrink often told me, stop making sense of the chaos. It will only hurt you more because when you seek for answers you are going to open a black hole.

Yea, I have learn that over the last 5 months. It just hurt when she  acts like I don't exist.  I have accepted  it and it has freed me.   I don't think the break up would have been has bad if  not for the fact she was my girlfriend  in highschool 25 year s ago and my first love.

[NiceGuy83]

Stop going to that gas station.

Be honest with yourself.  You KNOW that subconsciously you have done it on purpose.  It would be easy to think ahead and go to the other one.

We've probably all done this, or at least thought about doing it.  I personally have done similar things in the past.  What I was looking for was a sign, some sign that I meant something.  Some validation.  How would she have even given it?  I have no idea.  It was pointless for me, and it is for you too.  Face the facts, and move on.

If you saw someone else doing it, what would you say?  If I told you, I'd hacked my exes FB and emails, to try and find out what she was doing, what would you say?  You'd say it's unhealthy, bro, and it could get you in a lot of trouble.  You'd say beware of restraining orders.  You'd say she's not worth it.  Apply that to yourself, and take your own advice.  Keep reading the articles here - this one is pertinent - https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=120426.0

[j4c]

Dont they act so strangely after the break-up!

In my uexBPDgf's distorted mind i treated her terribly when we were together and hurt her very deeply. In reality i treated her like a princess! She walked past me in the street 3 months after we'd split like i was a complete stranger. It hurt so bad!

Putting my heart and soul into someone that wouldn't care if i dropped dead was the most devastating experience of my life!

[Chazz]

jonnyz... .   I feel you about being "treated like air". I have defined myself as feeling like "road kill". She knew she drove over me - there I was standing right in front of her for God's sakes. For good measure, she backed up, and drove over me again and again. Me, I volunteered for the role. Her history of abuse and sexual mayhem caused me to believe she was a beautiful broken bird trying to work through her trauma. That, and her seduction and head games. She waltzed off without barely a scratch - the benefit of her ability to project and compartmentalize.

Yes, I think they have "core shame". But the cruelty and ability to shut down to their partners' suffering at their hands is about something else. I'd say a pathological lack of empathy except when it serves them.

There is no fixing that for them. The best we can do is save ourselves.     

[motherof1yearold]

My opinion : Overwhelming guilt AND a way to punish you. 

My ex BPD H is this way about my father because my father treated him like a SON and did everything in the world for ex , only to be betrayed. I think the best way to avoid their guilty feelings rising up are to cut the people they have wronged out of their life forever.

So sorry you had to experience this

[expos]

I'd say a pathological lack of empathy except when it serves them.

There is no fixing that for them. The best we can do is save ourselves.     

I will agree.  Just no empathy whatsoever.  I remember at times in my marriage where I’d clearly be upset with something.   A person who I sort of knew indirectly died of cancer a couple years ago.  I started to get choked up and shed a few tears thinking about the loss and how their family was affected by it.  My wife’s response was – “well, he should have taken better care of himself”.   Really, who the fvck says that about a person who just passed away?  Just no empathy to be found, unless it involves them being hurt – than you must be empathetic to them.

My ex-wife, in our last meeting, looked annoyed by my mere presence.  I got the feeling that I was just a burden to her. 

Be glad that you have real emotions, care about others, etc.  There is a reason why these people have little to no friends at all. 

The reason BPD’s fail over and over and over again is because they redirect or dismiss instead of getting to the heart of the matter to figure out what makes them fail. 

As hard as it is to let go, realize these people will do nothing but let you down over and over again.   Don’t look at them as even people, I look at my ex like a totaled car….just unfixable.

That being said, shop around for a new car…one that isn’t a lemon.