Sex, Intimacy, Abuse and BPD

[shammick]

Hello

When we fight, my uBPDw treats me like crap, abuses me, belittles me, or ignores me, treats me as though I don't exist, etc... .  

I try to accept her as she is. Knowing that it is not really directed at me but comes from a deeper broken part of her that she in the moment is pinning on me. In response, I get sad, I get defensive, I get angry, then I mostly get sad. I try to always treat her with respect and kindness despite what she does to me, and usually I am successful.

Sometimes these episodes last days or even a week or more.

My question is: what do you do about sexual intimacy when this happens? Our sex life, even minus the conflictual moments, is not great, in the past it was very intense, but in the last several years since our first child, we have sex now once every few months.

There are times when I find it difficult to even think about having sex with her because of her behaviour towards me... .   or I found myself fantasizing about someone else while having sex with her. And then there are times when I wish we could have sex, but then, like now, we are in conflict and she won't let me touch her.

Generally, our sex life sucks. And I wish it didn't. Do others have this problem? Sometimes I think about having my sexual urges released in some other way, like pornography, or masturbating, but I don't want to go down that path.

We've been in MC in the past, and it didn't get very far. She has been in some therapy also, but seems to never want to deal directly with her issues. She mostly deflects and blames me.  And it is partly true, I am not perfect, so I have worked on myself for the last several years since we got married. But things are still not great overall.

How do others deal with the issue of sex while trying to cope with an emotionally unstable spouse? Would like to hear from men especially.

Thanks.


Sam

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[Rockylove]

Interesting.  I've never had an issue with our sex life until the other night.  I was more angry than I'd been ever in our relationship.  I knew he was wanting to have sex (he took the time to shave) and I just felt that this was about make up, not intimacy.  He claims that it's not sex unless you feel it... .   a kiss is not just a kiss.  I didn't kiss him the entire time he was doing whatever.  I didn't respond.  He was being as he always is and he finally go the picture, but it was difficult.  I just had no desire what-so-ever.  I'd not felt this way toward him before.  It gives me pause.  What does this mean for the future?

[united for now]

Do you think resentment could be causing some problems - for both of you?

And have you asked her how she views it?

[bruceli]

In the same boat.  It's all about her being in controll.

[shammick]

Yes, that's a good point. Resentment may be part of it.

I think ultimately, it is about trust.

How can we be intimate with someone we don't really trust?

Sex is the ultimate act of self-giving and making oneself vulnerable to another.

Trust is a difficult thing, when once it is lost. In my case, through repeated offenses and conflict. And I see there is not a lot of change over the last two decades.

[united for now]

I don't know your full story. But I still think  resentment may be a bigger cause. Resentment at all the bad  treatment. The unapreciation. The lack of respect towards us. Many times we think its trust when the truth is we are angry... .   hurt... .   and feeling unloved.

[NonnyMouse]

Exactly the same situation for me too. It used to be great, now non existent. I've got used to it though, but that in itself is very upsetting. I have to confess that sometimes I do think about having an affair.

[myself]

Trust and closeness. They're almost interchangeable. When she's in blaming/acting out mode, she also feels ashamed. Which makes her feel unattractive and withdrawn. The pains you feel from her actions, even though you try your best to deflect, etc., bring your needs and wants to the surface and you crave attention of a nurturing/sensual kind. Finding what you're looking for, together, would mean you're both heading the same direction, breaking free of your old patterns. Reaching for each other in positive not negative ways. Can you move past it? How do you feel about having sex with someone who has been unkind with you? How does she see it, you wanting to be with her when she's been like that? If you can share some sensuality between you when things are going better, that may help there be less times when things aren't going well.

[yeeter]

I think there are several dynamics that can play into this.  I have experienced different ones at different times.

First is the sex as a weapon issue.  The power and control behaviors.  In general, these are destructive (in an acive way).  It's a very emotionally immature way to deal with relationship differences, and we all do it on both sides.

Then the resentment aspects.  These can be conscious or subconscious.  But resentment undermines our ability to receive genuine, loving emotions for ourself.  Even if we have a 'right' to feel the resentment due to being wronged, we have to come to grips with it and get it cleared.

Then there is just simple indifference.  You can become so emotionally detached that you just don't care anymore.  You might still have sex, which doesn't equate to intimacy.  Over the long run, thi is an area I am strugglingmto balance.  The need to detach to simply protect myself emotionally, without detaching so much I just don't care.

And at the risk of diverging off topic, I will say that I do believe that sex is different for men and women.  So by definition however it works for you, is not how it works for your partner.  So you have to be open to another perspective/moods.  

For sure trust and openess is a big part.  If one of you don't feel safe with the other, it's going to be tough to be in the mood.  And someone with a PD is going to have a harder time overcoming this hurdle.