Worn out - struggling

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi everyone

So, lately I've been struggling. In short my dBPDbf has been going through some heavy stuff in therapy lately, he's been increasingly frustrated and short-tempered, even violent one evening (I made another thread about it when it happened). It's been about a month now, and even though I know why he's feeling this way and why he's spinning out of control, I've come to a point where I'm just worn down. It was actually going better for a while when he first started therapy - and I'm so thankful that he decided to go into therapy. But at the moment he just gets mean, cold and heartless so quickly and I'm worn down trying to validate or getting the h*** out before it explodes. It feels like he lashes out even before I know what's happening and it's just ALL THE TIME so more often than not I find myself JADE-ing left and right. Too often lately I've ended up in a flood of tears in a corner. Not good   He has admitted when calm that he's very touchy at the moment at that he takes it out on me. Doesn't help much when he get going again... .    And I can't seem to stop myself JADE-ing. ****!

So, as I mentioned in one of Rockylove's threads, I've decided to make me a mantra: "Stay healthy, stay calm!" Or maybe "Healthy, calm, detached!"

I'm also working on some new boundaries. I already have in place "I won't stay in the same room with someone who yells at me". He doesn't do that so much any more, but he gets mad in a ruthless, ice-cold kind of way, which I really hate. I need to work on my own abandonment fears for sure. But back to the boundaries. The following values are important to me:

- Honesty and truthfulness

- Being respectful of others

So I'm thinking about the following boundaries:

1) Honesty and truthfulness: I won't continue talking to someone who

- takes things out of context

- picks small parts of a large picture to fit with their story

- reinvents history

2) Being respectful of others: I won't continue talking to someone who

- says hurtful things

I feel like I need to work on this some more. What do you think? And I might not talk that much with him if I implement this  

--------------------------------------------

And now that I've read it back it doesn't feel quite right. I'm at a loss here. I want to do something to make the situation better. It's not good for him nor me that we get stuck again in these circular conversations. I managed to more or less stop it, but then this last month it's all gone out the window. And I feel like I don't have the strength to back out when needed. I think it's connected to my own abandonment fears and need to be accepted and seen and I'm heartbroken when he so coldly and so fast shuts me out and launches one accusation after the other.

I feel like this sobbing woman standing in the street sobbing with a sad little fist halfway up in the air and a sign in the other saying "Healthy, calm, detached". Like Meg Ryan in French Kiss in the "I will triumph" scene!

Scarlet Phoenix - soon to be healthy, calm, detached

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[byasliver]

SP,  ! I wish I had some great advice for you but, TBH, I'm feeling very similar: worn out, frustrated, tired. Why does it have to be so much work to be with someone we love? And to get so little in return... .  

Hope you find some answers soon

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Thank you Byasliver

A   to you, too!

[united for now]

I know how hard it is to change 


There' a story in our head that keeps us engaged past the point of being unhealthy.  For change to happen we have to change our story.

The story... .  

I am too weak

I am unloveable

he will leave me if I don't listen

I want things to be better... .   so I'll listen to him hoping it will calm him down

It will get worse if I leave

I'm not strong enough

Change requires us to do things that feel scary and uncomfortable. Change requires us to look at the long term consequences.  Change is possible... .   it requires determination and conviction and a belief that you are doing the right thing... .  

Nothing changes without changes... .  

[Seashells]

 

Just a bump for support.

They say it gets worse before it gets better, and while I'm not waving a victory flag... .       I have to agree whether my situation / r/s goes on, or not, since I've tried to take care of myself and erect some boundaries around what I can accept or not, its improved.



It's hard and at least for me it came to the point where I had to do something.   

I wish you well.  I wish you peace and peace of mind.    

Others who are wiser can add more.

[Seashells]

and... .   FWIW

I think we come in here feeling like we were on the wrong end of a punching bag and not understanding why.  Our brains are made to try to figure out what's wrong in unfamiliar territory.  Coming to grips is hard but lifts our souls when we realize it's not about us completely.  Then there is sadness at the discovery of what BPD or similar traits pointing to mental illness is all about.  It's then a grieving process, a bargaining process, a leaving process for some, a loving process for all when you really get to the heart of what this is all about.  (IMO)

These relationships are unfamiliar territory.  (or for some too familiar)

There is a saying about picking yourself up by your boot straps.  I think these relationships can drive us so far down before we try to get up... .  

Maybe it's time to pick up your boot straps?  It feels good to pick yourself up by the boot straps.

And sometimes we need someone to help, a helping hand for the boot straps.  I can only speak for me. 

It pains me to read your pain.   

[Rockylove]

It's not good for him nor me that we get stuck again in these circular conversations. I managed to more or less stop it, but then this last month it's all gone out the window. And I feel like I don't have the strength to back out when needed.

  I know the feeling, Scarlet.  Although the circumstances are different for us, the feeling of being too wiped out to "back out" of the circular arguments are the same.  

I love your mantra idea and I'm putting it into practice!  I've also been taking some nice breaks from the stress of our (seemingly) endless renovation project.  When I'm working on the house (tiling) I get in my creative head and zone out.  It's something that I love to do, but it's also exhausting, so I've taken time for me.  Yesterday, I went to my grand son's T-ball game then had lunch with my sister, visited some friends for an hour then came home and worked for a few hours, threw some dinner together for the guys and went out to see a play.  It was a less productive day than I would have liked, but it was also a great way to recharge my batteries!

I hope you can find time to do some things to do that you enjoy (by yourself or with a friend) that takes your mind and focus off your situation for a while~~it may just be the break you need to get over the bump in the road that your wheels are spinning on.  

Scarlet Phoenix - soon to be healthy, calm, detached

[yeeter]

Hugs scarlet.



The best thing you can do for him, and for the relationship, is keep yourself strong both emotionally and physically.  When you are tired, worn out, depleted, EVERYtHING is harder... .  

I posted this as much for my own benefit as well as yours.  Have been traveling and was starting to feel down, and recognizing I'm just really tired right now.  So time to take a step back and get some rest and refill my emotional cup.

What do you turn to to recharge?

[TigerEye]

Hey Scarlet

Sorry to hear that things have been tough for you lately.

Can I ask, when you say you don't have the strength to back out, how far 'out' do you feel you have to back? Do you have a space where you can go in the home or would you have to leave?

I ask because the best way to not get involved in these mind games is not to play in the first place. I have recognized the benefits of taking a time out, going upstairs, taking the dog out, going off and doing something for myself etc. This way I'm not caught up in the dysfunction and my head doesn't end up twisted.

It is so easy to fall into JADEing the illogical, so set those boundaries and consistently follow through on the consequences, that way you get head space (and potentially have some fun for yourself) and they will learn that you won't tolerate the disrespectful behavior, after all, their cold/mean/heartless approach is most likely nothing that we have caused, it's theirs to deal with so let them get on with it. Be there when they want to talk respectfully, detach with love when they don't.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi everyone

Just wanted to let you know that I read all your kind answers. Thank you so much for your support and suggestions. You've been a great! 

I'll be back another day to write more. Since I started the thread, I've been in a regrouping mood, thinking and working to change things (my thinking on many levels).

[MockingbirdHL]

Scarlet,

Your two boundaries really resonated with me. My dBPDh and I have been together 3+ years, married for one year. He's "left" me five times during that period; most recently two days ago after dropping me off at home when we returned from our week long anniversary vacation.

I wish I could set those boundaries. I will try if he returns. His cycle usually revolves around holidays or important dates. Usually. And it goes like this:

Partial Withdrawal (I feel him becoming distant) ---> Explosion ---> Silent Treatment (usually by him removing himself from my presence) ---> Separation (when it's really bad) ---> Reconnection (sort of I'm sorry) ---> Almost Manic / Hypersexual.

Repeat.

Right now we are in Silent Treatment. The withdrawal / explosion occurred during the trip. He started the silent treatment there but couldnt initiate the separation because he couldnt leave (we were in another country on an island). We got home from the airport in the middle of the night. Literally. He brought my bags inside. I instantly knew he wasn't staying. He told me he had to get his stuff for work and go. His family have a place on the lake about an hour from here. I begged him not to go. At times he seemed hesitant - going in the kitchen for water, sitting on the stairs. I tried to comfort him physically. He rejected me. He stood and said I'm sorry, I have to be alone. I said I understand. He looked at me several times during that time with a sadness or regret. I hope it was genuine, but then again I was hoping it was for the situation, but it might have been for himself. So he's gone. This is the first time he's left to go somewhere else while we've been married. Typically he leaves for a few hours to calm down and comes back. Or he leaves for work (he travels for work routinely 4-5 days a week). Last time he did that but texted me intermittently during those days. This time I've heard nothing. Not a word. He leaves for work this morning and is out if town til Thurs night /Fri. He told me "I'll talk to you later in the week". I've heard that phrase before too. I take it to mean I'll contact you, don't try to contact me. Which is against every natural instinct and urge I have. Last time I heard that (before we were married or living together) he did contact me, came over to tell me that he "couldn't do this anymore" but there seemed to be no conviction in his voice so we talked and stayed together. For a month until the next big important date in his life when Explosion resulted in Silent Treatment and Separation which lasted over three months. But we are married now ... .  

Anyway, I got off my point. Your two boundaries ... .  During his explosions which are usually short and moving into silent treatment, I notice that the perception of who holds the power seems to make him change how he's acting but it's such a delicate thing. Eg, when I'm crying and pleading he is stoic and cold (does he not care that his wife is hurting?). But if he says something that causes me to lash out (which i try not to do) or leave the room (which I couldn't do when stuck in a hotel) he will start to look distraught and say things like "I didn't plan for this to happen" etc.  which bring me back down to trying to talk / comfort him and that results in his switching back to stoic and cold and silent. And he regains the power, the control.

So I don't contact him. I wait for him to contact me. When (if) he does this time I'll need to be very careful about what I say. It'll be text. Not phone. Maybe even email if he can't bear the thought of dealing with my reactions immediately.  I feel like he's really gone this time - because he wouldn't stay in the house with me, because he brought his daughter and mine into the Explosion conversation this time (it's usually just about me and him).

I feel like dying inside.

[allibaba]

I am worn out and struggling as well today.

I feel like today that I am trying to act normal in an insane world (my house) and that I am starting to lose my mind.

Time to read some of the lessons again.