Missing my 'best friend'

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

As I'm sure everyone on here had, I had a really strong connection with my exBPD, I felt like she was the only one that knew me for who I was and the only one I felt I could open up to.

That may have been fake or whatever but it still felt great to me to have finally found my 'soul mate'

I've not really thought of it like this before but I'm not only grieving over the relationship, I've also lost my 'best friend' and that makes me feel lonely.

[trevjim]

As I'm sure everyone on here had, I had a really strong connection with my exBPD, I felt like she was the only one that knew me for who I was and the only one I felt I could open up to.

That may have been fake or whatever but it still felt great to me to have finally found my 'soul mate'

I've not really thought of it like this before but I'm not only grieving over the relationship, I've also lost my 'best friend' and that makes me feel lonely.

[HarmKrakow]

As I'm sure everyone on here had, I had a really strong connection with my exBPD, I felt like she was the only one that knew me for who I was and the only one I felt I could open up to.

That may have been fake or whatever but it still felt great to me to have finally found my 'soul mate'

I've not really thought of it like this before but I'm not only grieving over the relationship, I've also lost my 'best friend' and that makes me feel lonely.

You felt like yes ... . but it wasn't.

I know exactly whay you mean, because my ex demanded all my attention, meaning losing my friends. In all my other r/s I had a best friend next to my gf. With my ex BPD I slowly murdered my social life. Because she demanded more and more of me so my life became hers and tadaaaaaa i was codependent on her all out of a sudden.

Your gf can never be your best friend. Never ... . ever ... .

You feel lonely purely because she became your bes friend next to your r/s. If one breaks, than the other breaks and ur fu***ed

[laelle]

Aww, I know its difficult to lose someone important in your life.  I understand that she seemed to be the only one who understood you.

She may have been as she mirrored you by watching you, and in the process learned how to behave as your best friend.  She also learned your deepest fears and emotions, and could push your buttons with them and hurt you with them when needed.  Correct me if im wrong ok? This is simply based on my experience, yours may be different.

I am not saying she did it on purpose, or that she didnt care in her own way, and I am certainly not trying to take away from the special bond you felt, but please understand that she doesnt feel the same way about you as you do about her.

She lives in the moment.  One moment one feeling, the next another.  Their feelings can change as they are literally coming out of their mouths.

Anything to get their needs met.  If their need is you fine, if not, your out or put back in 2nd class.  After all its their way or the highway.

I'm not saying this to hurt you, I am only trying to show you the truth of the illness that maybe you arent getting.

She could not have possibly been your best friend in reality, because she lacks the things that make up a best friend.

Empathy

Caring

Unconditional love

Respect

Selflessness

You were your own best friend mirrored by her.  Now try to be your best friend without her.

[trevjim]

Yeh i get that she mirrored me and it was fake to an extent, but it still felt like it was real at the time, its like someone giving you a present you have always wanted and then taking it away again

[laelle]

I know EXACTLY how you feel.  Its real in the sense that they are trying to be a whole person.  They want so badly to be, but you cant be what you dont have the ability to be.  Its like she is trying to play the piano without having learned to play. She can try with all her might and pick up a few notes here and there, but she will never be able to play unless she takes professional lessons.  While she has you, she doesnt need lessons, because you have the ability to play the piano and she copies you.  She feels some sense of wholeness from it.

It is real that she saw enough good in you to want to copy you, and that she probably had as much feeling for you as she was able.

Its not fake, but its not stable, trusting or ever lasting.

[laelle]

Like from that Warm Bodies movie.  When the zombies eat a persons brain, they can see and feel their memories.

They crave the brain because it makes them feel more human (real, authentic).  They will eat anyone that cant run fast enough.  

[momtara]

Nothing wrong with feeling this way.  We love these people for a reason.  Despite the illness and the craziness, there's good person there sometimes.  IF only that person was there all the time.  It's just not normal to have to be in fear in your relationship all the time, wondering whether the person is in a good mood or nutty mood.

[laelle]

Nothing wrong with feeling this way.  We love these people for a reason.  Despite the illness and the craziness, there's good person there sometimes.  IF only that person was there all the time.  It's just not normal to have to be in fear in your relationship all the time, wondering whether the person is in a good mood or nutty mood.

Gauging your mood in the morning by theirs.  I didnt know if I was happy or sad until I emailed him.

I was normally fed up, broke and unhappy. 

[HarmKrakow]

Nothing wrong with feeling this way.  We love these people for a reason.  Despite the illness and the craziness, there's good person there sometimes.  IF only that person was there all the time.  It's just not normal to have to be in fear in your relationship all the time, wondering whether the person is in a good mood or nutty mood.

That good person wasnt' them ... . that was us! Projection/mirroring. Thats why we felt that way and thats why we are on this board :P

[ScotisGone74]

I too actually thought of my expwBPD as my best friend.  Unfortunately they are not able to withstand being best friends for very long-I felt I got as close to mine as another person will ever get to me really.  I think mine really felt how much I loved her in the end despite her issues and she was scared of it honestly.  She told me right before the end after we had gone to Nashville on a summer night to her favorite restaraunt I paid and we walked around the little bars talking holding hands, went back home and had a long love session, saying that was the nicest thing anyone has ever done for her.   

We think in our mind that honestly we are the only one that can ever have these experiences with them, but the truth is that their brains don't work like ours', they lack a feeling of guilty conscience, they always believe they have a reason that justifies how they act, feel, what they do, or how they treat or act towards us.  At their very core they are an immature 5 year old at best.  They want desperately for someone to love them but the sad part is that they are not equipped to accept true mature love or give it back.  They are equal to a lost ship at sea. 

[lost007]

Trev. I feel that sometime as well. Been three months out of house. Divorce imminent. She still contacts me daily. Has taken all I have to resist. She was my works for 5 years. I have to remind myself that there was no other works but her. Unless she were in a mood to allow it. However. The attachment to these folk with BPD is like nothing else. It's consuming. I'm trying to detach. She has made it easier by still raging, blaming, projecting and all the catch words we use here. Still and yet I am alone now. Trying to figure a way back. I sympathize.

[afterdeath]

You will see me guilty in this department as well. Losing a best friend and lover, the kicker is, I know she wasn't my best friend because I have a few others I consider on that level, my legit best friend was actually asking me to have a chat with him about my relationship because he saw how unhappy I was. But she did the dirty work of pushing me out before he even needed to do anything.

I do miss who she used to be, but she's not that person anymore, that person is gone forever.

Much like warm bodies as it's referenced, her brain was eaten, she lives on in spirit, but what you see physically is no longer her.

If only their hearts would start beating again maybe they'd turn back  ;-) like the movie.

[Surrender]

As I'm sure everyone on here had, I had a really strong connection with my exBPD, I felt like she was the only one that knew me for who I was and the only one I felt I could open up to.

That may have been fake or whatever but it still felt great to me to have finally found my 'soul mate'

I've not really thought of it like this before but I'm not only grieving over the relationship, I've also lost my 'best friend' and that makes me feel lonely.

Trevjim I feel like I was reading my own words in my very own experience. That is the toughest part of losing him because I felt that finally I had found my soul mate. He was my best friend first and we remained tight with a bond that I thought was unbreakable and solid. The forever kind. I feel lost in this all because like you it isn't just my lover but my best friend and family that I lost.

Now I'm trying to discover a world without him and without feeling fulfilled in oh so many ways. Don't know what to say except that I'm trying to follow the guidelines to heal and even learn about me more.

[mango_flower]

Oh - I SO hear you!

I tell my friends this all the time - I miss my best friend!  Maybe because we were a same sex couple, I don't know. But we were together 24/7.

I know that some people here say "It's not real friendship, as real friends wouldn't treat you that way". But for that year, she was my best friend.  Just because she isn't acting like it now, doesn't mean it wasn't true at the time.

We'd talk all the way to work on hands free in the car.  We'd have a 15 min phone call on my first break.  Speak through most of lunch.  On afternoon break. On the way home in the car.  And spend the evening and night together.

Co-dependent, more than likely.  I know that and have to work on that.

But regardless of WHY, I still miss her.

I miss her caring how my day was.  I miss being able to text her to tell her something funny that happened.  I miss her caring enough to go out and buy me medicine when I was sick.  I miss just talking to her for hours and hours, or just sitting in comfortable silence.  I miss her always checking on me if we were on an evening out, checking if I needed a top up for my drink, or generally if I was ok.  I miss having somebody to share a taxi home with after a night out.  I miss having somebody to discuss an issue with, somebody who'd always back me up and make me feel better.

Yes, I miss my best friend.  Feels like I'm not complete without her. I mean I AM, but my life feels so much darker, scarier and emptier. xxx

[Hurt llama]

Nothing wrong with feeling this way.  We love these people for a reason.  Despite the illness and the craziness, there's good person there sometimes.  IF only that person was there all the time.  It's just not normal to have to be in fear in your relationship all the time, wondering whether the person is in a good mood or nutty mood.

I agree with you and yes BPD people share commonalities... .   and some are more dangerous than others and they vary as much as we do with  behaviours... .   Mine wasn't a bad friend... .   was a best friend of sorts and I do and clll miss her terribly (if i ever stop that is)... .   she has an identical twin... .   who is identically similar... .   it's incredible... .

I'll never hate my ex... .   no chance... . I wish I could vilify her, hate her and hold onto it... .   some have expressed they were 'jealous' of how the two of us communicate and I'm almost jealous of some who have crazier ex's... .   I know that's a fantasy but in this fantasy I see it as 'easier' to detach... . when I know in reality... .   the odd thing is how hard it can be regardless of the level of crazy in the BPD person.

Did somebody mention brain eating zombies? sign me up... . they have have this brain!

[trevjim]

Thank you for the replies everyone, Its sad that so many of us are in the same boat.

I guess it is the co-dependance that makes this harder.

[momtara]

yeah, i think i'm co dependent too.  there are worse things to be, though.  at least we're not trying to hurt anyone. 

[recoil]

I have been missing my "best friend" too.  She's been reaching out as well but I just haven't let myself get emotionally involved.  I still really love her - I just do it from afar (well, she's right down the hall from me at work).

Even after the honeymoon, she was still my best friend.  I just couldn't take when she'd push.  She'd push, I'd feel abandoned myself.  I learned to keep those fears bottled up and she'd come back but this last time, when she asked for a break, I bolted.

I often wonder what would have happened if I just agreed to the break.

[HarmKrakow]

yeah, i think i'm co dependent too.  there are worse things to be, though.  at least we're not trying to hurt anyone. 

Co dependency blows man, one of the worst things defo.

[afterdeath]

I have been missing my "best friend" too.  She's been reaching out as well but I just haven't let myself get emotionally involved.  I still really love her - I just do it from afar (well, she's right down the hall from me at work).

Even after the honeymoon, she was still my best friend.  I just couldn't take when she'd push.  She'd push, I'd feel abandoned myself.  I learned to keep those fears bottled up and she'd come back but this last time, when she asked for a break, I bolted.

I often wonder what would have happened if I just agreed to the break.

She'd find a replacement, it'd fail, she'd take you back and abuse you further pulling you further down the rabbit hole until she found ANOTHER replacement.

This is what happened to me... .   Consider yourself lucky, if she would've just let me alone the first time she did it I would've been fine, but after the return I got extremely over attached and enmeshed with her so i'd never lose her again, instead i lost myself, and then i lost her.

[Hurt llama]

This co dependent thing is tricky... .   I think many of us might have had a predisposition for codependency and over exposure to BPD people seems to trigger it... . I have no idea if I am co dependent at my core anymore... . Maybe a little? with her? a lot.

yeah I'm on contact with my ex... .   and sure she can be a friend... .   a real friend... .   not the 'best friend' I thought... . can I be her best friend? Of course. Easily.

it's ultimately healthier if we can move on and not have them as overly important... .   it is possible... .   it's hard in any breakup... .   but it's that much harder with BPD people.

But each case is different and if your BPD has dumped you and hurt you, romanticizing them as this amazing person is partially delusional and I speak from experience and am not judging even slightly (last to judge by far! )

[HarmKrakow]

This co dependent thing is tricky... .   I think many of us might have had a predisposition for codependency and over exposure to BPD people seems to trigger it... . I have no idea if I am co dependent at my core anymore... . Maybe a little? with her? a lot.

yeah I'm on contact with my ex... .   and sure she can be a friend... .   a real friend... .   not the 'best friend' I thought... . can I be her best friend? Of course. Easily.

it's ultimately healthier if we can move on and not have them as overly important... .   it is possible... .   it's hard in any breakup... .   but it's that much harder with BPD people.

But each case is different and if your BPD has dumped you and hurt you, romanticizing them as this amazing person is partially delusional and I speak from experience and am not judging even slightly (last to judge by far! )

To check if your co dependent is relatively easy ... .

If you would be alone in a monastery for over 2 month's ... . without contact with anybody ... . could you be happy? Or does that joy of yours depend on someone else?

Or did you hear that riddle of a BPD sociopath?

A girl goes the funeral of a friend because that friend her mother died. At the funeral the girl meets a very attractive guy, but does not approach him. They all go home after. What will the girl do next?

[ScotisGone74]

thats a good way to put co dependency harm.  From my own experience it seemed the more independent I was the harder she tried, until of course I ultimately became co dependent and then the game was up. 

[HarmKrakow]

btw another reason why you feel like you miss your best friend is because your best friend was a 1

on 1 copy of yourself in the other sexe