If I stay married I am missing out?

[jaird]

I am just wondering. We all see how intense these r/s are. How it seems no normal r/s could ever compare. Without judging me, and saying that I have issues of codependency, or some inadequacies, or was neglected and unloved as a child, (LOL, not true!). I am just wondering if anyone else felt they could no longer sustain a LTR or marriage because a BPD affected person had entered their lives, and then abruptly left.

I have a great spouse, kind, supportive, loving, understanding, calm, everything my BPD ex was not. Yet I was not all that happy in my marriage before my affair with my BPD ex. I guess I was content to stay married before, but I did at the end plan to leave my spouse for my ex GF. My spouse is very risk averse, and dependent upon me emotionally. She does not like change. She is probably well aware that there was an affair, as I started going away and traveling with my ex GF. But my spouse does not want to confront this or know about it. We have discussed separation, but she has never asked if there was another woman involved. Both my T have said not to tell her if she does not ask.

Now I find myself even more restless, wondering who else/what else is out there. I feel if I stay married I am missing out on possibly some good years of fun times, freedom, less responsibilities, coming and going as I please, seeing whomever I want, etc etc. I know I will never be able to be faithful to my spouse, no matter how much I love her as a person.

I had these feelings before the affair too, but now they just seem stronger and more intense. My kids are grown, and I feel that now is the time to go. I am broken up with the ex for four months now, so she is pretty much out of my system. Of course there are many memories, some good and some bad, but it is really not about the ex anymore.

Just wondered if anyone else experienced this, and would appreciate any insights. My T described it as a mid life crisis, which I agree with. But there is more to it as far as where I want to live, which is somewhere my spouse has no interest in moving to, and just the kind of outdoor lifestyle I would like,

Thanks in advance. You people do have some great insights.

[DreamGirl]

Hi jaird,

I don't know your history. I also haven't had my life rocked by a pwBPD in the same way you have.

I do have a husband who is struggling much like you are.

I noticed something about him on a recent vacation. We were in one of the most beautiful places on the planet enjoying some of God's greatest creations... .   the air was crisp and the quiet peace was almost breathtaking.

And he was restless.

He was talking about the next time we came to that place... .   who we should bring, what we should do... .  

I reminded him to slow down and enjoy the right now. It's something he has realized that he needs to work on very much. Quit wondering how much better the right now could be.

You sound restless, jaird. And full of fear.

Fear is the path to the darkside... .  

There are also different ways to fall in love again. Happiness relies on that... .  

A new band that tickles your sense of euphoria. A new hobby that awakens the sleeping creator in you. A faster car that you can wipe down with a cloth diaper reminding you of a youth that claimed your soft skin and hairline. Maybe even a trip to a foreign land where you can sit alone in a cafe and listen to the chatter around you... .   knowing that no matter the culture, gender, creed, religion that marriage and relationships are complicated.  

Then I will gift you the very best advice.

Talk to your wife. Tell her how you feel.

My husband is my best friend. Him telling me what it is that he wants and what he's afraid of caused the roots of our relationship to grow deeper. We were two strangers living in a house and he desperately wanted to be in love. We built walls and he confided his secrets in someone else and it was because of the built up walls. All we ever needed was to talk more, worry less, and remember why we ever got married in the first place. A marriage counselor helped that a whole lot.  

And a red dress.

Buy her a red dress.

She'll have the right shoes. We always do.

-DG

[Want2know]

I am just wondering if anyone else felt they could no longer sustain a marriage because a BPD affected person had entered their lives, and then abruptly left.

Jaird, not sure this is a good "shout out" topic considering how many members have been devastated by infidelity or how many members have come to realize that they are attracted to unhealthy people/relationships.  Might be best to just stay focused on you and your family.

I have two questions.  

1. Now that the affair is over, what is the right thing to do by your wife?  Whatever circumstances lead you to become involved with the other women have passed.  So now is a time to pick up the pieces and part of that relates to your family.  As you say "I have a great spouse, kind, supportive, loving, understanding, calm, everything my BPD ex was not.  Your wife has been a faithful spouse and good mother.  How do you honor that right now?  You don't want her to feel this:

... .   they really just don't care at the end. It's like you were a piece of trash along the highway, and they just sped by... .  

2. What is beckoning you?  What was it in this "BPD relationship" that was so attractive to you?  Was it real or was it fantasy?

They are a contradiction in so many ways, and that goes back to fleeting feelings and few core values.  My ex and I both agreed it was our best sex ever, and she was all about being together long term in a committed relationship, and she was insanely, really insanely, jealous.

[marbleloser]

Are you missing out? No. You're not missing out on anything.Try to rekindle the spark with your wife.She sounds like a keeper.

I"ve been there jaird.You get into routine and before you know it,years go by and you wake up feeling like you've missed out.But,you're not missing out.Your ex just gave you a taste of what you wanted and you liked it.Let that be enough and find new ways for you and your wife to enjoy life together.

[jaird]

Thank you DG, Want2know, and marbleloser. Beautifully written DG.

I have spoken to my wife. She asked me what I wanted, specifically. I described a r/s like I had with my ex, a r/s with a partner that was devoted to me and made me the center of her life. And you know what? My wife responded very well. That was three weeks ago, and she is still making a good effort.

But there is really more to this. It is not about my wife, it is about me. I feel I have lived the last 23 years for my children, and now they are grown. I have really wanted out of the marriage since about 1995. It is also about how and where I want to live.

I have traveled quite a bit, done the red convertible thing (may do it again!), and try to live in the present.

I do feel that if I stay married I am missing out. And yes, the r/s with the ex was built on a house of cards perhaps. Maybe it was a sand castle and washed away. Maybe it only felt so perfect because we became enmeshed and she mirrored quite a bit. Or maybe we were just very alike, and she was a better fit in many ways than my spouse.

I don't know if fear is the path to the dark side. It could be, but I am thinking fear is more of the path to freedom.

[pallavirajsinghani]

If you are asking for our permission to leave your marriage because you are bored, then you do not have it.

You have support from us... .   not absolution.

In many different ways, we will ask you the following:

1)  Have you considered a couples counseling that specializes in teaching couples how to rekindle their romance?

2)  Are you afraid of getting older?

3)  Are you going through menopause?  Yes, men go through it too.  Are you going through a period of clinical depression and are looking for a "lift"?  Could it be low thyroid hormone levels?  Low testosterone? 

4)  Do you just want to trade your wife for a newer model?

Freedom is another word for nothing else to lose.

Be careful of what you wish for.  The grass is not greener on the other side, it just appears to be so.

Do get a thorough physical, talk in detail to your doctor about how you feel... .   there may be a physical cause involved, get yourself a good counselor.

[Louise7777]

Palla is giving great advice here. You are very lucky, your wife is great, very understanding and patient. But patience has a limit. Mine is very limited, for example. ;-)

[Maryiscontrary]

Ok, my brash self I'd going to chime in here. First we don't know if his wife is a keeper. We are assuming Jairds observations he has had since 1995 to be invalid.

However, I have a nauseous feeling in my stomach when I read your post, Jaird. The impressions I get were extremely self entitled and very dismissive of the feelings of a woman who is the mother of your children, and who you have shared a huge chunk of your life with. Please correct me if I am wrong.

Don't screw with her feelings. Dont lead her on, when she can find someone who is a better fit. This is baaaaad karma and a sign of immaturity. If you need to go, then do it, and really show extreme mercy and empathy with her feelings, and tie things up like a responsible man would do. Be very mindful of your actions, or the guilt will destroy you.

If you are not happy with this person since 1995, end it immediately, and address all fallout like a man, and you will be fine. I know this is harsh, but this really sounds like a train wreck.

[yeeter]

I will chime in with my take on what you posted.  Please correct me if I misinterpreted:

Your children are grown.  You and your T both recognize you are going through a 'mid life crisis'  (a term that convey much to me personally but notable that it means something).

You are bored with your marriage.  You had a nice list of positive attributes of your wife, so no real animosity but it sounds like you are bored.

Then you dont know what you want to do with yourself for the next couple chapters of life.  I get it, years and years of sacrifice to raise a family, structure, reliability, do certain things certain ways for others sake is behind you.  You want some release from this and to release some of the items that are unsatisfying (I will also say that often men and women are very differently programmed in this way - what provides comfort for women can create restlessness for men - so a natural tension that needs to be BALANCE)

The BPD excitement is definitely not boring.  So that part is enticing.  At the same time, after a while, that same BPD dynamic will destroy you (sorry but you dont stand a chance against it).  So really all you could get for excitement is the initial idealation phase - or a series of these if you just jump from one to the next.

"I am missing out on possibly some good years of fun times, freedom, less responsibilities, coming and going as I please, seeing whomever I want, etc etc."

You should break this down and understand exactly which parts of being married that prevent you from doing this.  And a part of that involves getting very realistic and practical about the image of what your future life really will look like.  Often we see the upside but gloss over the downside.

But this statement is your very first one to tackle, above all else:

I know I will never be able to be faithful to my spouse, no matter how much I love her as a person.

If this is true - which I assume it is - you need to just tell your wife this and let her decide how she then wants to move forward with the relationship.  You are making a statement here that you WILL continue to cheat on your wife.  You arent going to get support from this group to do it. 

Your wife is trying.  She is responding to your discussions.  It sounds like she is open and direct about what she wants, and is open to consider what you want.  At the same time - it may very well be - that the characteristics that were attractive and interesting to you during the last phase of your life, are not attractive or interesting to you going forward (Im not trying to sound flippant, just acknowledging that there may be things you want to do with a partner that she is not interested in).

But the only way to know that really, is to get clear about what you do want.  Break it down.  And then discuss it with your wife.  She may, or may not be able/interested/willing.

My bet is this:  She will not be interested in living in a poly relationship (its rare that it works).  That she WILL be willing to try change, doing new things, shaking it up a bit - to a point.  You might still feel bored and you just want to go.  I would guess that there is a LOT more comfort in your current marriage than you realize, and that after you do leave you will start recognizing just how comforting and supportive your wife really was.  Maybe too much.  And after a while my bet is you tire of the excitement and start looking for someone more like your current wife to get back in a relationship with.

At the same time you should encourage your wife to go pursue some of her own hobbies, interests, etc.  Make herself less supportive and less available to you.  This will develop a different flavor of the person and could make her more interesting.

But again, if you are just wanting to go date and sleep around, then just tell her and let her move on with her life.

This post presumes a lot, and really isnt fair for me to say since we dont know much of the situation.  But its not that uncommon of a stereotype, so there could be elements that are relevant.

(for the record I divorced my first wife after a 17 year relationship.  Not for someone else, but because a) she had an alcohol problem and b) we could never go anywhere do anything - things I wanted to do - because of the alcohol dependency.  In most other ways we were very compatible.  I did it quickly, moved on, and havent seen her since although I wish her well and there was no real animosity.  By being direct it made it easier - there were no affairs or other shenanigans - she wasnt interested in being in a relationship with someone that didnt want to be in it with her).  Im just saying it wont be as easy if you go the route of having multiple affairs... .  

[jaird]

Thanks yeeter,

You are quite correct.

[seeking balance]

Without judging me, and saying that I have issues of codependency, or some inadequacies, or was neglected and unloved as a child, (LOL, not true!).

Interesting, people who have affairs and go deep in therapy realize that the act of having an affair is compensating for some inadequacy, are you sure you want to delve into this topic and work on yourself or are you simply hoping we tell you it's ok?

Affairs happen for many reasons - knowing your root cause is critical as is changing the behavior and being remorseful.  Your BPD didn't make you have an affair.  I have had an affair, I did it because it was easier than dealing with my own emotions around the relationship - it was wrong, hurtful and immature.  The mature response is to deal with those core emotions.  The loving response to your partner is honesty and self-reflection.

A marriage is a choice - not a feeling... .   if you are bored, go on an amazing vacation - reconnect.  It's easy to fall for someone else - that is why it is called "falling" - nothing hard about falling, right?

I stupidly had an affair a long time ago - but coming to PI board and not wanting to look at your inadequacies seems a bit... .   (--)what word would you use here Jaird?

If you don't want to do the work of being married, than perhaps your definition of love is different than your wife's - if so, be honest with her and let her choose the life she wants.

Peace,

SB

[arabella]

Many voices, many wise words. I don't have a lot to add right now, but I will address the question you posed in the thread title.

If you stay married, are you going to miss out? Yes. You will miss out on things. BUT, and here's the thing, if you don't stay married you will miss out on just as much. You will simply miss different things. You can not have everything. Many things, yes, but all things, no. What do you want, jaired? A few years of excitement traded for a lifetime of love? The thrill of a new lifestyle (which you only assume your wife won't accommodate)? Or someone who will care for you when you are old and not so able to live that lifestyle anymore? And no matter how old they are, your kids will still feel the effects of your decision and they will hold you to it. Sometimes the fun in the thrill is gone when our safe place to land disappears.

You can't live your life for someone else and it isn't fair to your wife to lie to her - about fidelity or about love. No one here can tell you what is right for you, but be honest both with yourself and with your wife. If you need to leave then leave cleanly and leave fairly. Choose carefully - because that green spring grass often scorches in the heat of the summer.

[Grey Kitty]

Hmmm... .   lots of good thoughts from people for you in there. Here's one more:

I am broken up with the ex for four months now, so she is pretty much out of my system. Of course there are many memories, some good and some bad, but it is really not about the ex anymore.

As a guy who hasn't dealt with that sort of breakup, take a grain of salt with my words here... .   but given how long others have been dealing with breakups with an ex-BPD on these boards, that doesn't sound very long. I'd give yourself some more time before acting thoughts of ending your marriage, or something similarly dramatic.

Read some of the posts from people 1 year or 2 years out of their r/s with a BPD 'round here... .