First post on this board; rather painful

[motherof1yearold]

Reflection.  I have realized how badly I needed it after divorce with ex BPD H.

I have reflected on my own behavior and taken some time to truly see his past behavior. I've been in 3 different weekly therapies , 2 of which are for DV victims and now am diagnosed with PTSD from my marriage with ex.  Strangely enough, during my "reflection" period, I have remembered things which I always shoved aside as soon as it happened, which was described as "abuse amnesia " by my T.


I am struggling with isolation more severely now than during the R/S due to ex's fierce smear campaign.

I am deeply hurt upon realizing  the torment ex's Mother purposely put on me to de humanize me. Who would want to do that? It just never ends. I am really hurt, I want to write a letter and burn it.

Slowly I am accepting my life alone with my daughter, which is a big deal for me. One of my T's said I have traits of an Adjustment disorder, which I second his opinion , my anxiety is often environmental. Don't want ANY changes. It is havoc on me.

I'm not sure what my next move will be, maybe I'm just depressed and generally mind -___ed... . 'scuse my french.

I'd really like to talk with some people on this board who may understood what I am feeling currently. I really appreciate this site and everyone on it.

[Want2know]

Glad you are here... .   this is the place to push forward and focus on you! 

Adjustment disorder is something that subsides when you become more comfortable with where you are and more stable with what you want to do next.  I had that, too, a few times in life.  It comes and goes, as you grow.

What is it that you want to do to be less isolated?  I'm sorry to hear about the smear campaign, but those who are open minded will see through it.  That is something you are going to need to muster some strength up to get past the paranoia of others looking at you in a less than accurate way.  I think many of us had to deal with that to some degree.  It's truly just a pain in the ass, and something you can get through by understanding what it's all about.

[motherof1yearold]

You are so right Want 2 Know!

There is not much I can do about the smear campaign besides move a few minutes away. I am 20, own a nice car and have yet to get my license. I think when I do that this week or so it will be a huge step to independence. Luckily I have a friend pushing me to do it and even volunteering I use her car for the test. I agreed.

I hope the Adjustment disorder issue subsides for me , as I have spoken to a landlord on a property for my daughter and I (and possibly my sister ) . I think mine is atleast partially anxiety based and I am on a high dose script. for anxiety .

I have concluded that my self esteem is so low I don't deserve to focus on myself  But I have to, all that thinking is over now and I have to complete some basic things to be a responsible parent for my daughter .

[Surnia]

Great you are here, Mo1yo

and a big big 

You are brave and I see a really big difference between your first time here on bpdfamily.com and now!

Many of us are struggling with low self-esteem. You can start with little steps of validation of yourself. Give yourself a  for something you did well. Daily! 

[Want2know]

I have concluded that my self esteem is so low I don't deserve to focus on myself  But I have to, all that thinking is over now and I have to complete some basic things to be a responsible parent for my daughter .

I think it may be helpful to think of you improving how you are living (mentally/physically) in regards to your daughter.  Being a stronger, more focused person on your own can only benefit your daughter.  

[motherof1yearold]

Thank you both.

I am not so good at validating myself in small accomplishments but my family tends to make me feel "good" when I complete a class or something of the sort.

I want my daughter to find a little comfort with me.

I just feel like I've lost four limbs , like I'm a failure - young and divorced with a kid. Ive only had one relationship in my life and of course it had to be this one.

I just cannot wrap my head around ex and his family's projections... .