I thought I was special/'we' were special - arrogance?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I recycled with exH several times over years - including after our divorce last year.  I've known about BPD (he's not diagnosed) for most of those years and been around this site a long time.  Instead of using this knowledge to make healthier choices, I seem to have believed that I could use the knowledge to strengthen the relationship.  So few 'success stories' here but we were going to be one of them!

There are various reasons I recycled but I am wondering if one of them was arrogance.  I thought that I was the one that he really wanted to be with.  I thought the gf he saw every time he left (but was careful never to 'overlap' was the 'distraction'.   Now he has left again and is going to be married to a 'new' woman in a few weeks time (i.e. not the ex-gf who thought he was going to marry her).

I am realising that I was a distraction too - from his pain/fear/anger. 

Don't think this was always the case - we were married a long time before things got really difficult but once the main crisis occurred, there was probably never any way back.  But I hung on.

On the one hand, I am feeling liberated by his engagement as he is totally engrossed in his new life and leaving me in peace (we have children so can't go completely NC).  On the other, I am struggling with the thought of him planning a wedding to someone else.  I am not shocked at him rushing into this - it just confirms my view that he shows traits of BPD - but there is a level of disbelief that he is going ahead with writing vows to someone else; showing our kids the wedding venue; excitedly discussing it all with bemused family and friends who tell me more than I want to know. 

I thought I was special to him.  I thought that I was special in the sense that I could be strong enough to hold on; be patient; work on myself so my boundaries were healthier.  I thought 'we' were special because he kept coming back.

I have spent a lot of time (and money!) working on myself and although I don't think this has been wasted, I do feel that I need to work on why I thought I was/we were going to be able to make this work when the red flags were waving in my face 

[clairedair]

I recycled with exH several times over years - including after our divorce last year.  I've known about BPD (he's not diagnosed) for most of those years and been around this site a long time.  Instead of using this knowledge to make healthier choices, I seem to have believed that I could use the knowledge to strengthen the relationship.  So few 'success stories' here but we were going to be one of them!

There are various reasons I recycled but I am wondering if one of them was arrogance.  I thought that I was the one that he really wanted to be with.  I thought the gf he saw every time he left (but was careful never to 'overlap' was the 'distraction'.   Now he has left again and is going to be married to a 'new' woman in a few weeks time (i.e. not the ex-gf who thought he was going to marry her).

I am realising that I was a distraction too - from his pain/fear/anger. 

Don't think this was always the case - we were married a long time before things got really difficult but once the main crisis occurred, there was probably never any way back.  But I hung on.

On the one hand, I am feeling liberated by his engagement as he is totally engrossed in his new life and leaving me in peace (we have children so can't go completely NC).  On the other, I am struggling with the thought of him planning a wedding to someone else.  I am not shocked at him rushing into this - it just confirms my view that he shows traits of BPD - but there is a level of disbelief that he is going ahead with writing vows to someone else; showing our kids the wedding venue; excitedly discussing it all with bemused family and friends who tell me more than I want to know. 

I thought I was special to him.  I thought that I was special in the sense that I could be strong enough to hold on; be patient; work on myself so my boundaries were healthier.  I thought 'we' were special because he kept coming back.

I have spent a lot of time (and money!) working on myself and although I don't think this has been wasted, I do feel that I need to work on why I thought I was/we were going to be able to make this work when the red flags were waving in my face 

[marbleloser]

I don't think it's arrogance,but that you were willing to give it all you had.Sadly,in the end it doesn't matter.

I have to remind myself,and it sounds so damn narcissitic that it makes me uncomfortable,but "we deserve better".It's out there somewhere,and we'll find it.

[maria1]

Hi Claire

It isn't so much arrogance but I do believe its the narcissistic trait in us that the BPD 'feeds' if you like, the need to feel special. I needed it because I didn't get it at all as a child. I don't like to look at my narcissistic traits but they are there. They are in all if us.

My BPD and me weren't so special. I think we got on well but so do lots of people in love. There are millions of people out there all getting on with it a lot better than we did!

I'm sorry you are suffering with feeling he has chosen someone over you. I think that was the realisation for me. My ex hasn't found someone who quite ticks all his boxes in the way I did but he will. It's his a matter of time. Then there'll be someone else.

Keep focusing on you but hopefully you can do it for your sake now and not on the hope of you and him?

[BlushAndBashful]

Clairdair- Be gentle with yourself. I don't know your story but I am a firm believer in "If the shoe fits, wear it... .   but if the shoe doesn't fit, don't try to force yourself into it."

I think arrogance is a harsh word. I thought I was/ "we" were special, too... .   because it felt special. He said it was special. What I experienced was something I had never felt before. I don't have some unfulfilled need to be special... .   but it sure felt nice. That doesn't make us arrogant or narcissistic.

I don't think "healthier choices" automatically means walking away. In the outside world (meaning not BPD), Isn't trying to strengthen a r/s and make it healthier usually a GOOD thing?

You have to be your own judge about the quantity, severity, and obviousness of those  .   

[MaybeSo]

Clairdair,

I could have written your post.

My ex hasn't yet announced plans to marry or move in with another, yet, but I'm sure it's just a matter of time.

He seems to have the ability to make every new or recycled female feel super special. I really thought I was the one who could help him if anyone could and I was the best, the others were distractions and symptomatic of his attachment disorder. But, My role in his life was another symptom of the same disorder!

He use to say, and write to me about how special I was and would say 'you are a bright and shining star, don't ever forget it'. He made me feel very specially loved, and cared for, and it matched up perfectly with old childhood wounds.

I once found a note to the other woman he was constantly distracted with while supposedly in

love with me; know what it said? 'you are a bright and shining star bla bla bla bla... .   '

Ugh!

Despite how painful all of this is, it is actually these experiences that have highlighted for me areas of low self worth that I bring to the table and I know now, that I do matter and I am special, without him. My job is to keep nurturing that relationship with self.

[Maryiscontrary]

I think we really need to analyse this "feeling special" phenomenon. There is something amorphous and undefined, and I don't believe it is all a product of narcissistic dynamics.

I think feeling special is a good thing. This does not mean others do not have special things about them. I mean, Mr. Rodgers wasn't all wrong. Does we mean we think we are better? Well, seeing what a mess a typical person is, with self destructive habits and thoughts that are unaddressed, well yes, I do think I am better than that. And I deserve better than to be around people like that.

I don't think that is narcissism. That is healthy perspective.

Now, if we think we are special enough to change a very disordered person, then I think that is fantasy.

It seems that this definition is nebulous, and needs further clarification.

[DreamGirl]

We are all special.

We are all valuable.

Trouble ensues when we seek outside sources to feed that part of us that needs to feel those qualities.

Arrogance is funny in that it is usually a mask to a low self-worth. The paradox of it, an ego-based confidence that is actually an underlying and debilitating fear.

A fear that we are not special, that we are not valuable.

When in fact, it is up to us to determine that.

I don't think it was arrogance that you thought your relationship was unique and special. I think it was just your hope that happiness and unconditional love had a face... .   and that face looked adoringly back at you seeing you for who you are and loved you anyways.

I think we all have the same hope, the same desire to be valued and adored. Yet the most difficult, most rewarding path, is to be able to find that face not reflecting back from someone else, but to see it in a mirror.  

-DG

[TheDude]

I'm not thinking that the words 'arrogance' or 'narcissism' personally apply. I tend to try and find balance with making sense of things, and consider that everything need not have a negative and/or dysfunctional connotation. Any significant and intimate relationship has the element of being special, as does the individual participants. I do believe that there are some sort of 'special' - or at least unique - things that must exist in myself and/or the relationship we had, as she's returned several times. To the best of my knowledge, she's never recycled/reconciled any of her previous relationships (marriage/romantic/family/friends).

Frustratingly, it would seem as if whatever this 'special' dynamic is... .   it has actually made things even more confusing and dysfunctional for her. For me? Well, maybe it's as they say... .   better to have loved and lost than not loved at all... .  

[clairedair]

Thanks for all of your replies.  

Maybe 'arrogant' and 'narcisstic' are words that reflect how hard we can be on ourselves.  I was thinking after I posted that whilst looking at my own part in all this was a positive thing, I should give myself some credit for my patience, commitment, willingness to learn from my mistakes, ability to forgive and so on.

Now, if we think we are special enough to change a very disordered person, then I think that is fantasy.

I grew up with repeated messages about 'sorting' people and situations.  Hard to get past that but I agree - trying to change a disordered person has pushed me nearer to being very unhealthy rather than pushing him nearer to being healthy.

He seems to have the ability to make every new or recycled female feel super special. I really thought I was the one who could help him if anyone could and I was the best, the others were distractions and symptomatic of his attachment disorder. But, My role in his life was another symptom of the same disorder!

Exactly! I find though that I am not particularly jealous that this is what new fiancee is experiencing because I know what's coming next... .   and I don't feel 'replaced' because my 'competition' is not another woman, it's the dis-ease in him.

I too felt like the one who could help; who was the best; the favourite.  I keep thinking about a quote on here "I made you and priority and you made me an option".  It devastated me to realise this was the reality but it was actually helpful to read this.

I was married to exH for a long time and we have children together so that's part of why I felt different to the ex-gf (and initially to new gf, now soon-to-be-wife).  But also because of what was said and some of his behaviour when with me.  The other relationship was described as 'second best';  I was the most 'significant' relationship etc.  Maybeso -  I really felt for you when you wrote that you had read a note to his other woman that used the same words he used with you - it would have made me feel physically sick.

I think we all have the same hope, the same desire to be valued and adored. Yet the most difficult, most rewarding path, is to be able to find that face not reflecting back from someone else, but to see it in a mirror.  

I was brought up in a very loving, large family so I struggle with feeling that I may have self-esteem issues.  However, my home was always incredibly busy with many people coming and going so I think I do really respond to someone singling me out for attention.  I am someone who is quite happy with her own company and in many ways I think quite highly of myself so I don't always understand my definite need for my exH to value me (not so much now but it's not gone completely).  

I'm sorry you are suffering with feeling he has chosen someone over you. I think that was the realisation for me. My ex hasn't found someone who quite ticks all his boxes in the way I did but he will. It's his a matter of time. Then there'll be someone else.

This made me chuckle - the first gf was exactly what my exH said he wanted in a partner but when he wanted to reconcile, he told me "she ticked all the boxes, but she isn't you".  I held on to this for a long time whilst he recycled me then her.  Now he's not with either of us but marrying a third woman.

take care,

Claire

[maria1]

I must just add this- My ex told me 'you have the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen'. A couple of months later I heard him say it in exactly the same, utterly convincing way to another woman- my 9 year old daughter   He just can't help himself.

[AnotherPhoenix]

We are all special.

We are all valuable.

Trouble ensues when we seek outside sources to feed that part of us that needs to feel those qualities.

Arrogance is funny in that it is usually a mask to a low self-worth. The paradox of it, an ego-based confidence that is actually an underlying and debilitating fear.

A fear that we are not special, that we are not valuable.

When in fact, it is up to us to determine that.

I don't think it was arrogance that you thought your relationship was unique and special. I think it was just your hope that happiness and unconditional love had a face... .   and that face looked adoringly back at you seeing you for who you are and loved you anyways.

I think we all have the same hope, the same desire to be valued and adored. Yet the most difficult, most rewarding path, is to be able to find that face not reflecting back from someone else, but to see it in a mirror.  

-DG

Great post, DreamGirl! What you are talking about is what many on these boards are looking for, and as you point out, what makes us so easily manipulated by others.

It comes from us! Nobody else. We're looking for others to make us feel good about ourselves. That leaves our self-image dependent on others. We are all special. We are all lovable. So many post talking about filling a "hole". That is for us to fill for ourselves.

I've definitely been there, and wanting somebody to help me feel better about myself was what allowed me to get into and stay with an abusive person. She "mirrored" what I was looking for at the beginning of the relationship, and I thought her behavior would improve through my compassion and help (like so many other posters). Funny thing was, even though her mirroring masked my poor self-esteem, I could tell that her mirroring was acting like a band-aid, but wasn't curing my self-esteem. My self-esteem got better through working on my thinking processes and my positive friendships.

It's difficult to make this change because of the brainwashing we received from our FOO and the BPDs in our lives and because of overly harsh "rules" about good and bad that we've learned in our life.

The good news is that these are things that you learned, so you can unlearn them and learn a great self-image and compassionate rules about good and bad and things like that.

This is done by thinking about our self-image, working with a T to help us with this.

One thing that doesn't seem to be mentioned is the importance of (1) being around people who treat you with love, respect, and compassion so that you can internalize it, which helps our healing, and (2) avoiding those who do not treat us this way like the plague.

I've had to work a lot on this myself. I have learned to not let anything affect my self-image other than my own self-image. Anything anybody tells me and anything life throws at me doesn't change who I am. My BPDex telling me that I'm the abusive one doesn't make me abusive. If my divorce doesn't go well, that doesn't change my being a great parent.

AnotherPheonix   

P.S., Maria1: My BPDex does a similar thing with my son.    As you said, she just can't help herself.

[Finished]

I don't think that is arrogance at all.

Who doesn't want to feel special? Who doesn't want that "we are special together" feeling? I think that is normal.

Think about it this way? If you didn't want to feel special, what would that say about how you see yourself?