After 8 1/2 yrs I've finally called it quits

[Confused69]

Hello all.  I've been on and off these boards for the past 5 yrs or so.  I was with my uBPDexgf/exw for 8 1/2 yrs.  we were married briefly for a few months.  I have been recycled to many times to count or even try to.  I must admit I was at fault for at least half of these.  It was a very crazy ride.  I don't really know what happened this time but I really have no desire to ever go back. It's been almost a month since I last talked to her and went NC. I don't expect her to ever reach out to me again because I was really miserable this time around. And I told her.  Wasn't trying to be mean, it was just the truth.  I love her and miss her but it really isn't worth all I had to put up with and what I lost being with her.

I think the fact that we lived together this time for 8 months and she never gave me a key to the apartment was a big factor.  Especially since I was paying the rent. I didn't mind at first as I have a good job and could afford it.   But after a while I noticed I couldn't count on her financially in any way.  ( honestly its always been like that but she made me believe it was my responsibility bec I was the man). Also she went on to her job an hour and a half before I did.  So I had to get up and leave when she did bec I didn't have a key.   Ahhh. The things we do for love.  I asked her why she didn't want to give me a key (although she always promised she would). And she said bec I know your gonna leave me.  She said this bec in the past every time I tried to leave she would stop me, Block the door, or cry or I would just give up.  So I had a bad way of leaving her, I'd wait till she went to wrk and I'd move out.  Not proud of it but that was the safest way for me.  I think this time she knew just how bad I wanted out.  She didn't want me to leave but I did.  I had to. 

About a week later( About 3 weeks ago) I text her to get some closure and to tell her how much I loved her but I couldn't do it anymore. She was very kind and told me she would always love me.  Then she asked me to pay some bills for her.  I said no as I no longer loved there.  Well she switched on me and told me to lose her number.  The conversation quickly turned ugly. So I just decided right then to go NC and I was and am really ok with it. I hope I don't see her again but she still lives on same apt complex as my son.  So for now I am staying away.   Sucks.  But I have to.  There's so much I could write about but I'm sure y'all have been threw the same.

Any comments, advice and warnings will be greatly appreciated. I'm still not sure what really happened this time other than the fact that I stayed alot longer than I wanted to. I think she pretty much killed the fire I had for her.  That's what my friend Jill told me would prob happen. I think that's what happened. I've moved on, got my own apt and seeing different women now.  I think the peace I feel now was long over due. I don't miss her like I used too but I still do... .   sometimes. Good luck to all of u trying to figure out your BPD. I continue to pray for her and myself.  I will always love her but its time to love myself more.