After some obsessive months of learning about BPD and how would I deal with my husband of 3 years, I've decided to ask him to get help or I have to divorce. At the same time I was in so much pain because I was codependent and had panic attacks about my future alone without him. Sometimes all I really wanted was to hide in our marriage because the world was scary. But how could I stay with his unpredictable rages and blaming me all the time? I felt I was dying inside: I had inner conflicts of needing his idealizing of me and getting so hurt by his devaluing of me. He didn't want to get help, in fact saw he saw there was nothing to get help for. So, I asked him to do get divorced. We expedited the divorce together, surprisingly amicably and quickly.
Having to face many large decisions without him is still scary. Who do I go to now to ask if this decision is right or this decision is wrong? There were so many decisions to make: financial, health insurance coverage, my will change, were to live, which job do I choose, where do I get a job, how do I get friends and support groups. He was always there for that when I had to make decisions. I was desperately looking for
[url=https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation]validation[/b][/url] and guidance, from anywhere and any one. You see, I have problems with esteem and making mistakes, and which decision is the right one. On top of that, my childhood was loaded with domestic violence and now I am facing those memories. It is all too overwhelming adjusting to my new life without my ex with BPD to hide behind.
I'm seeing a therapist, and she's helping me with techniques to calm my nerves. Like, "just look around you, and ask yourself, are you in actual danger?" I am trying to implement some of these kinds of techniques in my daily life. Still, many times, I am feeling so alone and scared. The image of the abused and shell-shocked animal in the corner of the cage comes to mind, and that's how I feel.
I have gotten so much information about this disorder from all of you. As you shared your experiences I feel this has been the biggest blessing to my so many confusing experiences in this devastating relationship. Not only did I uncover the truth about my husband, but uncovered the wounds I carried for so long from my childhood, and how my low self esteem and toxic shame shaped my life and decisions. I uncovered that I am a co-dependent in relationships and to break free is to start by esteem myself. It is all so hard to see reality for what it is.
Since the weather has been nice the past 2 weeks, I am getting lonely and I have forced myself to socialize after years of seclusion with my ex. This past weekend, I decided to go backpacking on a one night adventure with a local meetup group. It's hard for me to socialize again with new people. It's sometimes nerve racking and overwhelming with all the laughter, small talk, and conversations. Walking on the trail with my backpack, I had chatted with one woman who I risked being vulnerable and telling her about divorcing my BPD husband. She said her dad was like that. Her dad had sudden rages of blaming, and she learned to speak in a way so not to get him raging more. I said, "like walking on eggshells", and she agreed. I told her it took all of me to leave this relationship, but I couldn't see having children in the house, if we did have children, to expose them to that. And finally I told her that I have left and divorced my ex, but I am still in recovery. She was so compassionate, with our big backpacks on, she gave me an unexpected hug.
It is great to hear all of your stories. At the same time it is SO helpful to also meet some tangible person out there in real life to share recognition on how difficult it is to be on the other side of the relationship with a BPD person. Just that hug was so healing that day. It was so comforting to be recognized and affirmed. I am SO grateful for this short interaction.
I just wanted to share this small story, and I hope you are all doing well today. Please know there is hope in recovery.
