Trying to make some sense of it all

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm not really sure what I'm trying to accomplish with this post. Maybe I just need to vent. Maybe I'm looking for some insight into my gf/friend.  She's frustrating to deal with, but I honestly don't know if she's BPD or not. My T suggests she has borderline traits, but isn't PD.  I think I tend to agree. I know no one here is qualified to diagnose, but this is what I see:

I've never seen any mirroring behavior from her.  She seems to have a very well-defined sense of self.  She knows her own likes and dislikes and goes out of her way to try to get me involved in all of them, be it activities, music, movies, tv, etc.  It's almost like anti-mirroring in that she seems to be trying to get me to take on as many of her interests as possible. That isn't hard, because we like and dislike most of the same things.  If she can tell I don't like something she wants me to try, she drops it and doesn't try to push it on me.

I've not experienced real push/pull behavior from her.

She's not exhibited any black/white thinking that I've ever noticed and I've never seen her split anyone/anything.

She takes responsibility for her actions, in a way.  When she does things that screw up her life, she will tell you "This is all my fault.  I did this, this, and this that caused the situation I'm in and I know it."  That said, she never seems able to change and repeats the same mistakes/bad behaviors/bad choices over and over.

She's shown genuine empathy. She's been very supportive in helping me deal with problems I've been going through and has been truly upset/regretful and apologetic when she's done something that she knew hurt me, even unintentionally.  She can be such a sweetheart when she knows I'm going through something.

I've seen no evidence of suicidal thoughts, threats or actions from her, nor does she show any signs of self-harm or self-mutilation that I've ever noticed.

I've never seen her be violent and I've only seen her really get into a rage once.

That said... .  

She has abandonment and trust issues.  She's adopted and was psychologically/emotionally abused by her adoptive father.  From what I understand, her adoptive mother really didn't parent her and basically abandoned her when she turned 18.

She was raped as a teen.

She does have intense emotions that flare up at times out of nowhere. When she's really angry at someone, she uses silent treatment and passive aggressive behaviors as punishment.

She loves to flirt, loves male attention, and loves to create drama.

She can be jealous and manipulative, particularly with men. The manipulation often comes off as a little temper tantrum and when she does this with me, she will almost always apologize soon after for the "little fit" she had or for "being a brat."

She has very little impulse control.  If she wants to do something she will do it regardless of the consequences to herself and doesn't give much if any consideration to other people's feelings.  She's said she gets intense cravings for things and can't rest until she's had or done whatever it is she wants.

I'm not sure I'd say she has an alcohol problem, but she drinks a lot.  She tends to drink on and off throughout the day (if she's not at work) and rarely gets drunk, but when she does I've seen her get absolutely hammered.  She often experiences memory loss when she gets drunk, even just a little bit.  She also loses all of her boundaries when she gets drunk.

She has a history of unstable relationships and she's been fired from almost every job she's ever had (and there have been many) for absenteeism.

She has very little ability to cope with the stresses of life.  When something major happens that really upsets her, she completely implodes: shuts out all of her friends and family, stops going to work, sits alone in her apartment and smokes weed or synthetic/spice/K2. A recent episode lasted for two weeks.

She has been sexually promiscuous in the past, but I see no evidence that she's still like that, at least not in the time I've known her.

She's expressed interest in changing and in going to therapy to do so, but I've yet to see any real actions that back up those words.


She's gorgeous, fun, has a great sense of humor, and can be a real sweetheart most of the time.  I love her a lot and hope that there can be a real future for the two of us together, but goodness she can be a challenge to deal with a lot of the time.

[Manager32]

I'm not really sure what I'm trying to accomplish with this post. Maybe I just need to vent. Maybe I'm looking for some insight into my gf/friend.  She's frustrating to deal with, but I honestly don't know if she's BPD or not. My T suggests she has borderline traits, but isn't PD.  I think I tend to agree. I know no one here is qualified to diagnose, but this is what I see:

I've never seen any mirroring behavior from her.  She seems to have a very well-defined sense of self.  She knows her own likes and dislikes and goes out of her way to try to get me involved in all of them, be it activities, music, movies, tv, etc.  It's almost like anti-mirroring in that she seems to be trying to get me to take on as many of her interests as possible. That isn't hard, because we like and dislike most of the same things.  If she can tell I don't like something she wants me to try, she drops it and doesn't try to push it on me.

I've not experienced real push/pull behavior from her.

She's not exhibited any black/white thinking that I've ever noticed and I've never seen her split anyone/anything.

She takes responsibility for her actions, in a way.  When she does things that screw up her life, she will tell you "This is all my fault.  I did this, this, and this that caused the situation I'm in and I know it."  That said, she never seems able to change and repeats the same mistakes/bad behaviors/bad choices over and over.

She's shown genuine empathy. She's been very supportive in helping me deal with problems I've been going through and has been truly upset/regretful and apologetic when she's done something that she knew hurt me, even unintentionally.  She can be such a sweetheart when she knows I'm going through something.

I've seen no evidence of suicidal thoughts, threats or actions from her, nor does she show any signs of self-harm or self-mutilation that I've ever noticed.

I've never seen her be violent and I've only seen her really get into a rage once.

That said... .  

She has abandonment and trust issues.  She's adopted and was psychologically/emotionally abused by her adoptive father.  From what I understand, her adoptive mother really didn't parent her and basically abandoned her when she turned 18.

She was raped as a teen.

She does have intense emotions that flare up at times out of nowhere. When she's really angry at someone, she uses silent treatment and passive aggressive behaviors as punishment.

She loves to flirt, loves male attention, and loves to create drama.

She can be jealous and manipulative, particularly with men. The manipulation often comes off as a little temper tantrum and when she does this with me, she will almost always apologize soon after for the "little fit" she had or for "being a brat."

She has very little impulse control.  If she wants to do something she will do it regardless of the consequences to herself and doesn't give much if any consideration to other people's feelings.  She's said she gets intense cravings for things and can't rest until she's had or done whatever it is she wants.

I'm not sure I'd say she has an alcohol problem, but she drinks a lot.  She tends to drink on and off throughout the day (if she's not at work) and rarely gets drunk, but when she does I've seen her get absolutely hammered.  She often experiences memory loss when she gets drunk, even just a little bit.  She also loses all of her boundaries when she gets drunk.

She has a history of unstable relationships and she's been fired from almost every job she's ever had (and there have been many) for absenteeism.

She has very little ability to cope with the stresses of life.  When something major happens that really upsets her, she completely implodes: shuts out all of her friends and family, stops going to work, sits alone in her apartment and smokes weed or synthetic/spice/K2. A recent episode lasted for two weeks.

She has been sexually promiscuous in the past, but I see no evidence that she's still like that, at least not in the time I've known her.

She's expressed interest in changing and in going to therapy to do so, but I've yet to see any real actions that back up those words.


She's gorgeous, fun, has a great sense of humor, and can be a real sweetheart most of the time.  I love her a lot and hope that there can be a real future for the two of us together, but goodness she can be a challenge to deal with a lot of the time.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[hithere]

That said... .  

She has abandonment and trust issues.  She's adopted and was psychologically/emotionally abused by her adoptive father.  From what I understand, her adoptive mother really didn't parent her and basically abandoned her when she turned 18.

She was raped as a teen.

She does have intense emotions that flare up at times out of nowhere. When she's really angry at someone, she uses silent treatment and passive aggressive behaviors as punishment.

She loves to flirt, loves male attention, and loves to create drama.

She can be jealous and manipulative, particularly with men. The manipulation often comes off as a little temper tantrum and when she does this with me, she will almost always apologize soon after for the "little fit" she had or for "being a brat."

She has very little impulse control.  If she wants to do something she will do it regardless of the consequences to herself and doesn't give much if any consideration to other people's feelings.  She's said she gets intense cravings for things and can't rest until she's had or done whatever it is she wants.

I'm not sure I'd say she has an alcohol problem, but she drinks a lot.

These all sound like problems stemming from the abuse

[Manager32]

These all sound like problems stemming from the abuse

I'd tend to agree with that assessment.  I know she says her adoptive father (whom she refers to simply as "the ass" was pretty normal up until she was about six years old and then he changed. That's when the abuse started.

Her mother is still in her life when it suits her.  She seems to genuinely love her mother and they seem to have a good relationship even though they see each other rarely.  I've met mom and she appears to have some narcissistic traits.

[byasliver]

Sounds more like PTSD, to me. The two (BPD and PTSD) share a lot of symptoms. My H shows more BPD traits than PTSD but because he is a military vet, the VA would rather call it PTSD. That bothered me at first but then I found out that they are treating the symptoms that are the most troubling... .   so, I really don't care what they call it right now. Many of the tools and advice on here will also still be helpful to you in going forward with your r/s with her.

No matter which she has, you're in a good place to get advice and support!