how can they still get under our skin?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

its been 7 weeks since our break up, 3 weeks since any contact on her part. she tried a few times and I didnt respond or answer back. She has always ahted facebook, in the last week she became the fb queen and started making freinds with some of my firends. I shut my account down. It bother me alot that she would do this. If she had always been on FB I wouldnt have aproblem with it. It these people had been her freinds I wouldnt care. I made it thru the weekend and ws starting to feel better. Yesturday she shows up at my favorite resturant during my lunch break. She doesnt live in my town and her main office wehere she normally works is not in that town. But she pops in and make sure I have to see her. I give her a polite smile and wave. I havent heard anything since. But this bothered me alot she has been on my mind alot since then. She knows I leave for vacation this week. would this be the reasn she is starting abck up. Or is it all my imagination.

[mitchell16]

its been 7 weeks since our break up, 3 weeks since any contact on her part. she tried a few times and I didnt respond or answer back. She has always ahted facebook, in the last week she became the fb queen and started making freinds with some of my firends. I shut my account down. It bother me alot that she would do this. If she had always been on FB I wouldnt have aproblem with it. It these people had been her freinds I wouldnt care. I made it thru the weekend and ws starting to feel better. Yesturday she shows up at my favorite resturant during my lunch break. She doesnt live in my town and her main office wehere she normally works is not in that town. But she pops in and make sure I have to see her. I give her a polite smile and wave. I havent heard anything since. But this bothered me alot she has been on my mind alot since then. She knows I leave for vacation this week. would this be the reasn she is starting abck up. Or is it all my imagination.

[First19]

I don't believe anything they do is accidental!  I think they are always thinking (scheming) of ways to manipulate us.  It will be two months of NC this week and I just pray that it continues. 

[healingmyheart]

mitchell 16

My ex did the same Facebook deal.  He also hated facebook and accused me of spending too much time on it and he never went on.  After we broke up (I kicked him out), he went on facebook and started befriending my friends and family.  I asked some close family members to delete him.  He has no right to me or my family after we have broken up.  I've also blocked him on facebook so he can't see any of my doings. 

[schwing]

Hi Mitchell16,

This is how I would look at it:

its been 7 weeks since our break up, 3 weeks since any contact on her part. she tried a few times and I didnt respond or answer back.

7 weeks considering the intensity of the relationship is not a lot of time.  Granted a person with BPD (pwBPD) can switch their attachments on and off like a light switch, but this doesn't mean us nons can do so.  That she has persisted in trying to contact you would bother anyone as it is an example of her not respecting your boundaries: you communicated quite sufficiently that you didn't want contact by not responding or answering back, but she is still attempting to reach you which tells you she is doing it for her needs regardless of your feelings.

She has always ahted facebook, in the last week she became the fb queen and started making freinds with some of my firends. I shut my account down. It bother me alot that she would do this. If she had always been on FB I wouldnt have aproblem with it. It these people had been her freinds I wouldnt care.

This behavior demonstrates how a pwBPD's *personality* (in a personality disorder) is mutable.  You might see it as she was not being truthful when she originally told you she "hated" Facebook.  But I see it as she will change any and everything about herself in order to placate her own needs/feelings.

This behavior might also be an example of a "distortion campaign."  She may try to persuade anyone and everyone that her distorted perspective of what happened in your relationship is the "correct" one.

I made it thru the weekend and ws starting to feel better. Yesturday she shows up at my favorite resturant during my lunch break. She doesnt live in my town and her main office wehere she normally works is not in that town. But she pops in and make sure I have to see her. I give her a polite smile and wave. I havent heard anything since. But this bothered me alot she has been on my mind alot since then. She knows I leave for vacation this week. would this be the reasn she is starting abck up. Or is it all my imagination.

She is clearly trying to elicit a response out of you.  These relationships can be described as "intense and unstable interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation."  Even now, I suspect she is oscillating between idealizing you (trying to draw you back in) and devaluing you (smearing your character with anyone and everyone who will listen).

It might seem like she is trying to indirectly communicate something to you.  But as I see it she is still expressing the different aspects of her personality disorder.

Best wishes, Schwing

[mitchell16]

That what I felt but was wondering if it was my imagination and just reading into things to much. When she was in the idealization I remember she would have this certain gaze in her eyes when she made eye contact with me. She didnt have that anymore in the end. BUt the other day at resutuarnt she made long intense eye contact much like she did in teh beginning. I admit it still has an effect on me. But what keeps me strong is the fact that this isnt the first time or the second even. and  it alway reverts back to the same behavior. Oh, how I wish I could make it work and she was all better. But I have tried that so many times ive lost count. What would be her point with the chance encounters. Is this her way of gettiing some sort of fix or thinking about a recycle attempt. I miss her and parts of me long for the recycle. But most of me cringes when I think about it going back to that road of hell. I have never made it 7 weeks before.

[schwing]

That what I felt but was wondering if it was my imagination and just reading into things to much. When she was in the idealization I remember she would have this certain gaze in her eyes when she made eye contact with me. She didnt have that anymore in the end. BUt the other day at resutuarnt she made long intense eye contact much like she did in teh beginning. I admit it still has an effect on me.

Of course it has an effect on you, it is part of a seduction.

Oh, how I wish I could make it work and she was all better.

You can only make it work on your end.  It is her end that throws everything in a tizzy. 

What would be her point with the chance encounters. Is this her way of gettiing some sort of fix or thinking about a recycle attempt. I miss her and parts of me long for the recycle. But most of me cringes when I think about it going back to that road of hell. I have never made it 7 weeks before.

My best guess as to why pwBPD "recycle" is that without *someone* to attach themselves to, and to project all their negative feelings and thoughts, then they would be forced to deal with it themselves.  They might be forced to consider that all their woes are due to their own dysfunction.  And this would be very hard for them to face and deal.  So they need to run away from these thoughts and find someone who will "rescue" them.

It doesn't matter that 7 weeks ago she thought you were awful.  Right now, she's feeling awful and she sees you as someone who can help her avoid facing her own demons, by pinning those demons onto you.

[mitchell16]

schwing, Thanks very good advice. Your right 7 weeks ago I was terrible according to her. Just the day before the break up, I took her out to eat. She had been out of town and I hadnt seen her in a week. I told her if felt liek foreever since i saw her. I was showing affection. She said, You are obseesed with me. I just laughed. Then she said you need to have more confidence in our relationship. I didnt say anything. becuase what is the point. The next day she gets drunk, rages at me, tells me she is done with me and is thru with therapy. Says im crazy, and hse is done. Next day i let he sober upa nd tried to talk to her. She wont take my calls and send me a text telling me she wasnt us done and didnt want to to talk to me anymore. I say ok and go NC. 3 weeks later she is blowing my phone up and sending nasty texts because I wont answer.

So, it looks like know she is trying to get my attention. She cant stand rejection so she tries in sly ways to get my attention. I thought this was an attempt but it is a little diffrent approach then her norm. So i guess I can chalk this up to a reycle attempt or attempt to make sure I dont enjoy my vaction that she knows Im going. I was doing very well in the past 7 weeks. I had days of ups and downs of course but was being stronger then ever. That look of hers is very seductive. its what got me in the beginning.