She Was Approved For Apartment Today... Feeling So Much Pain

[LostSunshine]

Today I faced the realization that she's leaving me.  Even thought it's been said time and again that it was happening... .   hearing the approval came through made it all so real.  The emotional pain i'm feeling right now is immense, even though I'm trying to hide it from everyone.  The tears won't stop falling... .   and all my dreams with her are playing through my head right now.  I know this is mourning... .   and it hurts so much.  Her family have already voiced their displeasure about this.  They don't acknowledge that she has problems (accept her sister), but they are more against the lesbian thing, and her breaking up the family for something they are steadfastly against.

I feel pain and sorrow for her.  This is scary.  Her family is turning their backs on her. 

Mostly though, I am feeling pain and sorrow for myself and my kids and the multitude of changes that are about to happen.  Nothing will be the same for them and they are sure to hurt a lot.  I pray to God that I find the strength to stand strong for them.

I don't know where to go from here.  The prospect of being alone is chilling.  All my adult life I have been joined together with her.  I am still very much in love with her, and that may be my biggest problem.  I can't turn off what I feel.  I know in my heart that she is struggling with life as best as she can and the turmoil she goes through isn't easy at all.  Her sister and I are of the opinion that things will get worse for her when she leaves because she won't be getting the help she needs.

However I know that will soon not be a concern of mine (even though I want to be her biggest supporter and cheerleader).  She's the mother of my kids... .   and my first true love... .   I'll probably NEVER stop loving her!  My family will certainly also turn their backs on her once she leaves as this will be the second time.  My heart is still open to her coming home someday... .   foolish I know.

I don't even know where I'm going with all of this... .   I guess I just needed to get this out.

[HarmKrakow]

She is leaving? Good, finally time to work on LostSunshine!

You feel pain and sorrow for her? You shouldn't, it's time for healing and recovery for LostSunshine!

You have the ability and realization to understand that your kids need the love to prevent them getting into something with a disorder themselves.

You are not going to remain alone forever. You are not in love with her, but with a mirror image of yourself. That one has detoriated and you now feel lost. Meaning, you follow therapy?

You don't want to be her biggest supporter, don't fool yourself. You will stop loving her. The priority is simple ... .

1) your kids

2) yourself

3) and for the rest maintain as low contact with looney as possible.

[LostSunshine]

She is leaving? Good, finally time to work on LostSunshine!

You feel pain and sorrow for her? You shouldn't, it's time for healing and recovery for LostSunshine!

You have the ability and realization to understand that your kids need the love to prevent them getting into something with a disorder themselves.

You are not going to remain alone forever. You are not in love with her, but with a mirror image of yourself. That one has detoriated and you now feel lost. Meaning, you follow therapy?

You don't want to be her biggest supporter, don't fool yourself. You will stop loving her. The priority is simple ... .

1) your kids

2) yourself

3) and for the rest maintain as low contact with looney as possible.

Thank you for taking the time to reply.  I do appreciate that.

However, I don't appreciate you assuming that everyone's situation with their ex mirrors your own.  This was not the case here.  Did she wrong me?  Undoubtedly.  Did she struggle with her choices and her disorder?  Yes she did.  I saw it play out in front of my very eyes on Labor Day last year when she literally went from seductive and engaging to totally shutting down and questioning why she couldn't be happy with what she has.

I have read your situation.  It is obvious that we both have suffered a great deal.  You have gotten angry and that fuels you to move on.

I am not angry.  I accept that this is who she is.  And as sad as I am, if she were to stay, nothing would change.  She'd still never get the help she needs.

My ex has already acknowledged that she has a major problem.  She has acknowledged what she's done and read enough about BPD on her own to suspect that she probably has it.  She has said that one of the things she's working on is herself when she moves.  This is all great news.

I still am entitled to feel compassion for this person who I feel great love for, even if she is leaving and it IS best for BOTH of us at this stage.  The pain of the seperation will linger for both of us as well.  Do I believe she is totally switching teams?  No, but that is irrelevant now.  What matters is that she is leaving and I am not. My path has been made for me, which is why I am in the Leaving board.

It is my hope that she will accomplish her task of working out her issues for herself, but I can't own that if she doesn't.  I want to see her succeed and become a better person for herself and for our children.  Whether it leads us back together is also irrelevant.  It is better for our kids if she is healthier.

I know the focus will shift to me.  It's a process i've already started.  However, please don't assume that every single situation is one of animosity and anger.  There is none here.

[imstronghere2]

LostSunshine - I feel your pain as most assuredly all of us do here.  None of our stories are exactly the same but there are similarities that run through them all.  I strongly advise you to search out a therapist who is experienced with BPD.  You have a long, hard road ahead of you to recover from this but recover you must for those children.  The choice of a loving, united family has been taken away from you and that's brutal.  You will most likely suffer from PTSD.  A good therapist can guide you through all of this mess.  Try as best you can to eat well, exercise and if you drink, watch out for that as it can become one more problem you'll have to deal with later on down the road.  Acceptance is key to getting to a better place.  Believe it or not you're already half way there by not being hateful and angry at her.  Just be careful if or when she comes back to recycle you.  You'll have a very hard decision to make if that happens.  Think about what's best for you and your kids and get your ducks in a row for what may come out of a divorce. 

Good luck and we're here for you.

[HarmKrakow]

She is leaving? Good, finally time to work on LostSunshine!

You feel pain and sorrow for her? You shouldn't, it's time for healing and recovery for LostSunshine!

You have the ability and realization to understand that your kids need the love to prevent them getting into something with a disorder themselves.

You are not going to remain alone forever. You are not in love with her, but with a mirror image of yourself. That one has detoriated and you now feel lost. Meaning, you follow therapy?

You don't want to be her biggest supporter, don't fool yourself. You will stop loving her. The priority is simple ... .

1) your kids

2) yourself

3) and for the rest maintain as low contact with looney as possible.

However, I don't appreciate you assuming that everyone's situation with their ex mirrors your own.  This was not the case here.  Did she wrong me?  Undoubtedly.  Did she struggle with her choices and her disorder?  Yes she did.  I saw it play out in front of my very eyes on Labor Day last year when she literally went from seductive and engaging to totally shutting down and questioning why she couldn't be happy with what she has.

I apologize if I caused any offense. However the strength of this board is familiarity and the fact that people recognize themselves in many of the stories written here. There are exceptions, of course, but the main underlying strength of this board is that the majority of all the stories are similar, if not completely at least to a greater extent.

And in most cases here, and from what i've heard during therapy, or from what i've read in academic papers or even from friends, is that this sort of behavior is mirrored. And the advice given here, is mostly based on mirrored experience.

I don't base my sayings on my own experiences but also what I gain from my own therapy by therapists and doctors. I don't project my own ex, on everyone else's as if you read my story you also might know she got diagnosed by PTSD and social phobia so it's already quite the case on its own. What I do get fueled by is the fact that some people do get defensive, and are willing to remain in the FOG and sometimes a 'blunt approach' breaks you through the FOG. It's what my shrink and therapists also did with me. And I seriously do wonder why people would like to be pulled under and remain in the FOG while every week they post that they are hurt. I get it, of course I do, i've done and still do it myself as well. However, sayings like, everything will be fine, is not helping anyone. Or maybe next time it will be better. If you cut yourself every week, you'll have a scar every week. But if you then every week complain for scars on your fingers, it's the other way around.

I still am entitled to feel compassion for this person who I feel great love for, even if she is leaving and it IS best for BOTH of us at this stage.  The pain of the seperation will linger for both of us as well.  Do I believe she is totally switching teams?  No, but that is irrelevant now.  What matters is that she is leaving and I am not. My path has been made for me, which is why I am in the Leaving board.

Of course you are entitled to feel compassion for her. I never said you shouldn't. I think you shouldn't consider this love, as it will only hurt you more in the long haul and if you ever find a new relationship, the process of grieving and rebuilding your own boundaries will take longer because you won't find 'this sort of love' not in a normal relationship. And this is not some dung I talk from my own life experience, this is what i've been told after therapist, and therapist and therapist ... . and therapist ... . and ... . should I continue? As i'm quite the skeptic myself.

I also doubt if the pain of separation will linger for her as much as it will do for you. Because I think it will hurt you a factor 200x more. Again, i'm not sucking this out of my thumb, and I don't want to cause any hurt at all, and i've been in a lot of mess myself, but this is what I hear from my therapists and can even read upon yourself. If this person has BPD, the pain of seperation will be, factually(!) felt different and a lot less because of the fact that her brain is not normally evolved in comparison to yours. I'm not saying worse, i'm saying underdeveloped. If she has BPD. Specific parts of her brain are smaller or lesser in volume than yours and therefore the emotions in regards of attachment, love, etc. are 100% considered different. If id' be married for 20 years with someone and I find out my ex is BPD diagnosed and we split up. Why would I lie to myself saying to myself that she will also be hurt like I will? Of course she will be hurt. Her emotions are in such a rollercoaster that she doesn't know how to handle the emotions while we do have the sanity to do so. But factually she will mourn less and move on quicker. This is of course the core that it will haunt her back eventually while we grieve and process it better and make sure that in any other r/s that mistake isn't done again while the BPDer jumps from misery into misery.

It is my hope that she will accomplish her task of working out her issues for herself, but I can't own that if she doesn't.  I want to see her succeed and become a better person for herself and for our children.  Whether it leads us back together is also irrelevant.  It is better for our kids if she is healthier.

I know the focus will shift to me.  It's a process i've already started.  However, please don't assume that every single situation is one of animosity and anger.  There is none here.

Of course every situation isn't filled with anger and animosity. But I could also read the despair and anxiousness out of your post of uncertainty in regards of being alone and what more. My shrink told me to let go of the other part, re-establish the thoughts what you once thought was love, principles of feelings etc. rather than keeping yourself vulnerable and cherish the past which you thought was love. I'm not saying this to hurt you, i'm saying this to you that I hope that you realize you shouldn't be worried about you being alone. You realize your weaknesses. Her development is out of your hands and if she wants to get better, fine, if not, so what. You have yourself and your kids to work on. That should be priority. Otherwise you keep yourself vulnerable towards her... .

[laelle]

I dont think anyone has a right to tell anyone how they should or should not feel period. (just got out of a BPD realtionship for that reason)  I do not have to devalue my ex to be able to understand and except reality.

I am not angry at him, even tho I have anger.  I dont need to slander him even tho I feel slandered.

People handle their pain and grieve differently.  I wouldnt accept someone telling me that what I felt wasnt real and that they know better.  

Yeah, they mirror, but so do we.  Yeah, they devalue, but ive also seen it from the members on this website ALOT lately.

Yeah they are sick and we cant save them, but we can still love and respect what were and are our own feelings for them.

[HarmKrakow]

People handle their pain and grieve differently.  I wouldnt accept someone telling me that what I felt wasnt real and that they know better.  

Why not? I know situations what you are saying here what ended in suicides from people I knew. A father of a friend and a mother of another friend of mine. Because they wouldnt accept someone else telling them stuff ... .

Don't you think they (family and friends) are pulling the hair out of their heads and regret they were not being a little bit more blunt towards this person in regards of them being in denial? FOG is sometimes thick like plutonium armor.

I would accept someone telling me what I felt wasn't real if they come up with some good arguments. Why live in denial? I'm only good in numbers, the rest i'm average or even below average. I don't pretend to know stuff better than others, so I thought it was love, and if my shrink tells me, it wasn't, and if the next one says it wasn't either, and the third one and my doctor even says it wasn't either, I of course do question my own judgement. What I might feel, might not be reality. And if I look back on it, I perceived something to be love, I gave my brain the allowance to put a label of 'love' on this sort of relationship.

People are allowed to grieve and mourn and process their stuff on their own way. Maybe i'm a bit more blunt because my therapists are hammering on me because they see that the FOG with me was thick. And since I do work in a sector where 'beating around the bush' is a waste of time, I know I might get over a bit strong.

But i've also seen many examples here where people relapsed in recycles, in being hurt again, in not wanting to delete the facebook page or something of their ex and 6 months later you read from them that they should have done it earlier and feel shame that they didn't listen to the 24 users who said, why keep torturing your self? Yes, grieve it through yourself, and everyone has their own pathway of 'pain'. But some can sink really deep and when someone is so much in denial 'shock' therapy could work.

[Clearmind]

LostSunshine, sorry to hear all this! We can hear it however we can never be fully prepared for when it does actually happen.

You show tremendous empathy for your partner, and respect, given she is the Mom to your Kiddos.

Right now its painful, I know! You have just landed at bpdfamily.com and please continue to post about your feelings. Its important to process them.

How is your support network LostSunshine? Friends, Family, Work?

CM

[VeryFree]

@lostsunshine

Don't stop realizing what has happened.

Do start realizing why it has happened.

Try to understand -with help?- which part you played in it.

But mostly: don't blame yourself! Whatever you feel for your BPD, it's not your illness; you did what you could and propably more.

[LostSunshine]

LostSunshine - I feel your pain as most assuredly all of us do here.  None of our stories are exactly the same but there are similarities that run through them all.  I strongly advise you to search out a therapist who is experienced with BPD.  You have a long, hard road ahead of you to recover from this but recover you must for those children.  The choice of a loving, united family has been taken away from you and that's brutal.  You will most likely suffer from PTSD.  A good therapist can guide you through all of this mess.  Try as best you can to eat well, exercise and if you drink, watch out for that as it can become one more problem you'll have to deal with later on down the road.  Acceptance is key to getting to a better place.  Believe it or not you're already half way there by not being hateful and angry at her.  Just be careful if or when she comes back to recycle you.  You'll have a very hard decision to make if that happens.  Think about what's best for you and your kids and get your ducks in a row for what may come out of a divorce. 

Good luck and we're here for you.

Thanks a lot.  I'm already in therapy and it's helped me immensely.

@Clearmind  I'm no stranger here. My post count is low, but i've been lurking for over a year reading and absorbing information while dealing with all of this.  I will probably start posting much more once she's out and gone so I can move through many of the other workshops that I haven't taken.  I have a lot of good support with my therapist, family and friends.  Some of them have known about my struggles longer than others.  Some are just now finding out the extent.  But they are all here for me.  I will get through this with their help just fine.

@harmkrakow -  No offense taken brother.  I know your intent was in the right place.  Again, I'm not deluding myself here.  Nothing will change by her staying.  I know the shift is moving towards myself and my kids.  I know that holding out hope is foolish, but it's how I feel at this point.  I fell in love at the tender age of 15 and it's been going strong since.  It's more than compassion here.  I'll always be attached and she'll always be in my life.  How much is the question.  God knows what the future will bring.  It may bring me a better love.  It may bring me her again (most likely as a recycle) and at that time if I deem she hasn't done enough to give it a go, I'll be strong enough to erect boundaries to not let that happen.

Thank you all for your comments and support! 

[GreenMango]

Glad to have you lurking.  Hang in there and post as you need. 

It's okay to have compassion for the mother of your kids.  It's also understandable to be deeply hurt by all this. It's okay to cry and be sad over the loss.  No one will judge you for it. 

Take good care of you and those kids.  This sounds like the darkest hour through all of it.  It's a climb out from here, it will get better slowly though.

Ask any questions you need to - many members have walked a similar path.

[LostSunshine]

Glad to have you lurking.  Hang in there and post as you need. 

It's okay to have compassion for the mother of your kids.  It's also understandable to be deeply hurt by all this. It's okay to cry and be sad over the loss.  No one will judge you for it. 

Take good care of you and those kids.  This sounds like the darkest hour through all of it.  It's a climb out from here, it will get better slowly though.

Ask any questions you need to - many members have walked a similar path.

Thank you so much GM.  I will most definitely do that.