It's going on 3 months since I had to kick my ex out. Things between us had gotten so bad between us... . the raging was escalating and ultimately he started to direct the raging towards my child. When the dysfunction was directed at my child it really woke me up. Plus, I had just discovered the lies and deceit of emotional affairs going on behind my back... . one of which was with a married women who introduced us. I'd ask my ex not to communicate with her and he promised he wouldn't... . well, it goes without saying that he didn't keep his promise. There seems to be this bond between them that they can't seem to let go of. She is in a very unhappy marriage and has had two other affairs besides the one with my ex. Like my ex, she has no problems overextending the boundaries. He says that she is ADHD (don't know if she's formally been diagnosed with such) but I did a little research into ADHD and affairs and low and behold, it is a huge problem. I guess since people with ADHD tend to get bored real easily and are very impulsive, they have affairs. So, my ex BPD boyfriend and this ADHD are truly a perfect couple... . their personalities are very compatible. After the physical affair between this married women and my ex ended, they continued to be "friends" (I believe with benefits still at times but whatever) and my ex continued to hang with her husband and her family and go on vacations with them and go to football games with her husband... . to me, it's just so wrong. I still can't wrap my head around how my ex could have a physical affair with a married women, befriend her children and husband and just hang out like nothing ever happened... . no remorse for sure. Is it just me that this all seems so bizarre?
Anyway, after kicking him out he has continued to try to maintain contact and makes numerous attempts at getting me back. I've gone from blocking him on facebook which he still is to blocking him on text and phone calls. I'm trying to move forward. In fact, I'm going to divorce and recovery meetings and counseling. We never married (thank goodness) but the divorce and recovery meetings still apply in that I'm recovering and trying to move forward. In my counseling sessions, I'm truly discovering that I've lost myself in this relationship. I don't know who I am anymore and need to find me. :)uring my relationship with my ex we did his hobbies and his interests... . it was always all about him. I became very codependent on him... . that is my dysfunction. I allowed him to manipulate me, control me and be verbally abusive towards me.
Well, we started communicating again over a race we were suppose to do together and one thing led to another and I finally reached my breaking point and send an email outlining his issues. I never said he had BPD but I talked about how he refuses to assume responsibility for anything... . he blame shifts, he rages, etc. etc. It got very painful and ugly. I felt so awful the next morning that I asked if we could meet for coffee. I just want to stop the pain and try to leave on a pleasant note. He agreed and we met up to talk. We talked for hours about what we'd been doing in our lives, our children, etc. It was good to see him and I really enjoyed it. I let him hold for awhile. I told him that we are definitely in two different places in that I can't and won't be his girlfriend and he of course still wants me. He says he understands but still wants us to be friends and try to heal together. Well, the next day we met again. We went to the gym and had lunch and talked some more. This time we talked about his married "friend". It was very circular in that we still continue to say the same things. I can see that he is trying to be more forthright and offer more information when i ask but still very difficult for him. He says he is sorry and he messed up but yet he'll later say that I wouldn't let go of the issue hence I ultimately drove him back to her. I sense he still deep down still blames me... . he is never at fault for anything.
Low and behold one of my daughters friends must of seen my ex and I talking and this person told my daughter. She didn't know I had meet up with him (obviously I didn't tell her for she wouldn't understand and didn't need to know) and when I got home she went ballistic on me. She feels I deceived her and how could I go back to a man who ultimately was abusive towards us?
What the ... . am I doing? Part of me wants to leave him but part of me can't. I so enjoyed my weekend talking with him. There is such a beautiful part of this man that I want almost feel that I need but there is the other side which I know I can't handle. Although I know in my heart I can never be in an intimate relationship with this man, I thought maybe we could be friends or at least leave on friendly terms and still maintain contact. I just can't seem to let go and he is making this so hard. Last night he sent me an email saying that he understands that I need time to heal and he will just wait til I'm ready for him. I don't even know what to say to him. I have told him that I can't go back to him as a girlfriend but somehow I feel like I am leading him on because he still has hopes and believes that he can seduce me back. He even asked yesterday if he could just have a few weeks with me to say goodbye and a last time to make love. Part of me wants to make love to him again and part of me says "what the hhit_ are you thinking?"
Please someone help me see the bigger picture here. I'm so confused. Am I going back to him because I'm just so darn lonely that I am desperate and have nothing else or is it because I still need him in my life. I don't know what to do anymore. I am so devastated that I hurt my daughter. I don't understand why I'm doing certain things anymore. I am an educated women but I seem to be acting solely on emotions. Please, any input would be greatly appreciated... . thank you
