When they push you toward an argument

[byasliver]

What do you do when they start off seeming to just want to discuss something with you but then it starts to appear that they just want to lure you into an argument? Here's what happened to me: Soo, after a fairly decent week my uBPDh says he wants to talk to me about some job offers he has. Turns out, two job offers are close by but significantly reduced pay but one is out of town with higher salary but would require that he maintain a separate home there. He asked for my opinion and I tried to only limit my responses to the facts of the situation concerning money and logistics but he pushed for more. So I told him that there are trust issues right now that would make his taking the out of town job undesirable to me and that our marriage is too shaky right now for me to consider moving. He answered, "sounds like a personal problem, to me." Yes, right then I should have walked out but I took a chance that he might be in a receptive mood (so brilliant, I know). I responded that the trust issues were not something I imagined in my own head. His response was a lecture about how hard he is trying and how difficult it is for him to communicate with me. His tone and inflection made it clear he felt I was to blame but was trying not to say that. He did ask that we end the conversation which is new for him but not before making it clear he was royally ticked off at me.

To add insult to injury, I learned this afternoon that now two of my kids are considering moving to their dad's this summer (we have one son together but then I have three daughters from a previous marriage). His response to that? "Okay, great!" He has made it quite clear he'd be totally happy for my girls to move out on many occasions even though he says it's not true.

Ugh! Not a good day! However, I am going to stand my ground on this. I have my boundaries about this (I will not move and if he takes the out of town job, it will not help rebuild any trust between us) and will stick to them. He will just have to make his decisions based on that. I will not argue about this with him.

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[Chosen]

but I took a chance that he might be in a receptive mood (so brilliant, I know).

byasliver, I think the hardest part of trying not to get into an argument is to distinguish when he is nitpicking and is going to start an argument anyway.  Like you, sometimes I'm too un-mindful and I don't realise it is happening, sometimes I have my hopes high and get disappointed... .  

One thing I know, and that is: if he's trying to fight, no matter what answer you give, he will have something to argue about.  This is why when I'm stuck in a situation like this and he is pushing me to give himsome sort of response, I would say something which is as emotionally detached/ logical thinking as possible (like, "Hmm... .   Of course earning more is good, but that job is further away."  And then just give my own opinion as little as possible.

But it's much easier said than done- I just failed last night