My humiliating encounter

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

After many months of no contact, she said she was ready to start paying back the money she has owed me. She asked if she could stop by my parents house to bring the 1st installment. It was a total coincidence that I was alone at the house. My sisters and I were each taking a turn to care for my parents animals while they were gone on vacation. Long story short, she handed me a check outside then wanted to talk. (I know this next part was stupidity). I let her in and we talked. Life, jobs etc. Then she leaned in... .   kissed me so passionately. This was so confusing to my emotional mind. Next, she left and said she didn't feel for me anymore. Why am I feeling so out of it today?

[svasana]

After many months of no contact, she said she was ready to start paying back the money she has owed me. She asked if she could stop by my parents house to bring the 1st installment. It was a total coincidence that I was alone at the house. My sisters and I were each taking a turn to care for my parents animals while they were gone on vacation. Long story short, she handed me a check outside then wanted to talk. (I know this next part was stupidity). I let her in and we talked. Life, jobs etc. Then she leaned in... .   kissed me so passionately. This was so confusing to my emotional mind. Next, she left and said she didn't feel for me anymore. Why am I feeling so out of it today?

[HarmKrakow]

After many months of no contact, she said she was ready to start paying back the money she has owed me. She asked if she could stop by my parents house to bring the 1st installment. It was a total coincidence that I was alone at the house. My sisters and I were each taking a turn to care for my parents animals while they were gone on vacation. Long story short, she handed me a check outside then wanted to talk. (I know this next part was stupidity). I let her in and we talked. Life, jobs etc. Then she leaned in... .   kissed me so passionately. This was so confusing to my emotional mind. Next, she left and said she didn't feel for me anymore. Why am I feeling so out of it today?

This is a textbook example on how we should establish our boundaries after a break up. I'm sorry for you, as I can imagine it screws with ur head.

This can only make your head twirl, I don't know what to tell you. I would not particularly know WHAT to feel if that would happen to me.

[mango_flower]

Gosh, that would definitely set me back quite a lot!  Look at it as a blip, onwards and upwards.  So difficult I know.

Can you get her to set up a bank transfer in the future?

[GlennT]

Vampires! That's horrible... . I'd be a mess... .   She was probably mad she still had to pay you back, and wanted to pay you back for it the BPD way  

[goldylamont]

geesh, glad i read this, my BPDxgf just contacted me wanting to pay back money she owes too. but i KNOW better, that she's just broken up with another victim bf and maybe sees me as less of a monster, someone to dump her emotional weight onto. i'm about to start another thread on my situation but, wow this is just classic and horrible, sorry you had to go through this. she just used you b/c she wanted to know that she could. once she stole your power she laughed and left, already having what she was seeking in the first place. i had a previous discussion about power struggles, there's lots of info here about reasons why BPD's act like this, i tend not to care so much why they do any more, it's easier just to see this as a power grab; so that next time you'll make sure to protect yourself better. sorry this happened!

[MammaMia]

svasana

Your ex is checking her "control muscles" to be sure she can still manipulate you.

The others are correct.  Have her mail the check in the future.  If you give her an inch it will be all over.  You will be sucked back in to the chaos.

Boundaries are so necessary ... .   and they love testing them, so be careful.

[svasana]

Thank you all so much! I thought that maybe it was about power too. Yet hard to accept. Maybe that is why I feel so humiliated. The worst part is that I went through so much for her. It just seems so mean and cruel. Especially because we loved eachother do dearly. I feel humiliated and hurt so  guess I took a few steps back. The most wonderful part about this site is that I didn't have to say much to make all of understand my emotions. Thank you for amazing support.

[goldylamont]

so glad this was helpful svasana! here's another little diddly from my past ex that might make you laugh (and, please laugh at this point, ok, i'm doing pretty good now

after our big breakup, my ex got a new bf and announced it on FB 2 weeks after meeting him, while we were still living together. they have a turbulent r/s, it was stupid, they break up 4 months later. somehow i was still clinging on, i didn't know about BPD at the time. 2 months after she broke up with this guy, we'd been talking for a while, walking, talking working out a bunch of things we *should* have talked about while in the r/s, but of course it was impossible then. we were both dating people at the time but neither too serious. she put on a front, told me how she realized how she had done this/that wrong in our past r/s, the whole 9. i caved, wrote her a love letter (i don't regret this at all, i needed to know). she gets the letter, says it left her speechless, we agree to meet for dinner. i go to the dinner knowing that either we are going to give it another try or not, but i knew i had to find out. we worked through some really tough issues over the dinner, somehow staying respectful, i'm still glad we did it. before i'm leaving though, at the end of the night i ask if she thinks about being back together... .   she says nothing. and, i understand, i just wanted to try, i was thankful just for the dialogue. so, i politely tell her thanks so much, and, that since i was dating someone that i'd have to let them know i was still dealing with some leftover emotions, and that i needed a break with no contact from her (exBPD) so that i could heal and move forward. i felt like the r/s was over (it was, ) and that it was my responsibility to heal on my own b/c i wanted some point later to be friends, even if we were with other people. so, i get my stuff, say goodbye and leave... .   then as i'm walking out the door, she says "Wait!"... .   i look back, she's almost in tears. i'm like "what?", she comes over to the door and grabs me, holds me crying fully, then "i never stopped loving you! i thought of you everyday! i'm so sorry for what happened! i miss waking up to you every morning! boohoohoo, i love you so much. i miss the way you SMELL! blahblahfrigginblah!". unbelievable. when she/we both stopped crying in a grip of death hug we agreed we wanted to get back together, we both agreed to break up with our current dates, we agreed we would take things slow, be more understanding and try hard.

next day in the evening, i had such a tough conversation with the girl i was dating having to tell her i was giving my ex r/s another chance. i felt horrible doing this. then, literally, just after i hang up and break up with the woman i was dating, my ex calls me and says "i dunno, i think i want to be single. maybe you should stay with that girl". LOL. it wasn't even 24 hours later! there's more to this story but i've made it long enough.

alls this to say, we FEEL you svasana, stay STRONG! 

[svasana]

Wow... .   thank you Goldylamont. I appreciate your willingness to share. How are you? I have to say again how much I appreciate such openness and support.