I might tell her she has BPD, booyah

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

i've pretty much made up my mind already, however feel compelled to share, perhaps can gain some perspective. I'll really try and keep the back-story short: the big breakup with my uBPDxgf happened about 14 months ago. since then she's gone through 2 bf's. we were 'friendly' at first, then we had a short/fake/no sex recycling about 8 months after initial break. this ended about 6 months ago and i hadn't talked to her since, i removed FB friendship, NC the whole 9.

anyways she leaves me a voice mail a few days ago saying she wants to pay me back money she owes, and that she wants to drop off a drill i let her borrow. well, i heard thru the grapevine that she broke up with ex bf #2 (since our r/s) recently, i can smell the BS from a mile away. i didn't find out about BPD until a few months ago, prompted by her ex-roomate (another woman) who had intense fights with her and upon moving out called me telling me she thought "something is wrong with your ex". Fast forward to now, I strongly feel my ex is BPD.

I sent her a message today via facebook, we're not fb friends but i just sent a personal message. basically said not to worry about the money she owes and that i just appreciate that she wanted to pay it back but i'd rather she focus on herself and that i don't care about the money. also that she could keep the drill, that i'd forgotten i even left it with her and that i wanted to buy a newer one anyways. it was a very friendly message, but basically i was saying; or rather doing was removing any excuse she would have to contact me. so she calls me IMMEDIATELY after i sent the message and we had a brief but friendly phone convo (i felt like a fake if i didn't pickup, i ain't scared! )

i have a new gf now, and b/c of circumstances i've decided to let my current gf know about *all* communication with the ex. i'm friendly with all my exes other than my BPDex and feel i could be "friendly" with her given distance but no way in hell we can be friends now for as long as i'm with my current gf.

i never thought i'd hear from her again. now i feel like she'll try to get back in my life until she can sink her talons in her next victim. if she keeps pushing the issue i'm going to tell her that i can't see her at all b/c i'm with a good woman now and i'm not going to disrespect my current r/s. i'm also going to tell her i think she has BPD, but prolly only in an email or in written form, no way i'd risk feeling her poison saying this over the phone or in person. i've decided to do this for ME, b/c i want to, b/c i want to live by the truth, b/c i no longer fear any reaction she may have, b/c i don't like talking with anyone in a friendly manner with elephants this big in the room, b/c i know that i can say something this sensitive without any malice towards her

if she doesn't contact me again, fine, no need to say anything but i'm not going to talk with her in any way shape or form and EVER hide anything i feel like saying. as long as i'm composed, make sure i'm doing it to satisfy my own needs, and that i'm NOT trying to hurt her OR please her, then the truth shall flow. i bet you the truth is like kryptonite to her. comments? i think i just needed to talk it out :-)

[goldylamont]

i've pretty much made up my mind already, however feel compelled to share, perhaps can gain some perspective. I'll really try and keep the back-story short: the big breakup with my uBPDxgf happened about 14 months ago. since then she's gone through 2 bf's. we were 'friendly' at first, then we had a short/fake/no sex recycling about 8 months after initial break. this ended about 6 months ago and i hadn't talked to her since, i removed FB friendship, NC the whole 9.

anyways she leaves me a voice mail a few days ago saying she wants to pay me back money she owes, and that she wants to drop off a drill i let her borrow. well, i heard thru the grapevine that she broke up with ex bf #2 (since our r/s) recently, i can smell the BS from a mile away. i didn't find out about BPD until a few months ago, prompted by her ex-roomate (another woman) who had intense fights with her and upon moving out called me telling me she thought "something is wrong with your ex". Fast forward to now, I strongly feel my ex is BPD.

I sent her a message today via facebook, we're not fb friends but i just sent a personal message. basically said not to worry about the money she owes and that i just appreciate that she wanted to pay it back but i'd rather she focus on herself and that i don't care about the money. also that she could keep the drill, that i'd forgotten i even left it with her and that i wanted to buy a newer one anyways. it was a very friendly message, but basically i was saying; or rather doing was removing any excuse she would have to contact me. so she calls me IMMEDIATELY after i sent the message and we had a brief but friendly phone convo (i felt like a fake if i didn't pickup, i ain't scared! )

i have a new gf now, and b/c of circumstances i've decided to let my current gf know about *all* communication with the ex. i'm friendly with all my exes other than my BPDex and feel i could be "friendly" with her given distance but no way in hell we can be friends now for as long as i'm with my current gf.

i never thought i'd hear from her again. now i feel like she'll try to get back in my life until she can sink her talons in her next victim. if she keeps pushing the issue i'm going to tell her that i can't see her at all b/c i'm with a good woman now and i'm not going to disrespect my current r/s. i'm also going to tell her i think she has BPD, but prolly only in an email or in written form, no way i'd risk feeling her poison saying this over the phone or in person. i've decided to do this for ME, b/c i want to, b/c i want to live by the truth, b/c i no longer fear any reaction she may have, b/c i don't like talking with anyone in a friendly manner with elephants this big in the room, b/c i know that i can say something this sensitive without any malice towards her

if she doesn't contact me again, fine, no need to say anything but i'm not going to talk with her in any way shape or form and EVER hide anything i feel like saying. as long as i'm composed, make sure i'm doing it to satisfy my own needs, and that i'm NOT trying to hurt her OR please her, then the truth shall flow. i bet you the truth is like kryptonite to her. comments? i think i just needed to talk it out :-)

[changingme]

If you tell her you can't see her anymore, you are with someone else now and she has BPD all in the same discussion/email, she will only hear the rejection part.  The rest I don't think will go far. 

[Hurt llama]

I know it's tempting to tell her she has BPD... .   I recently starting going there with my back and forth ex... . Its not recommended and it is almost mean I think... . I have pulled far back from sharing any more thoughts of what is wrong with her.

Someone posted something good about it here... .   They said to a poster... .   "How would you feel if someone told you that you were mentally ill?"

That struck home... .

Interestingly my ex tonight was happy to text me that she thinks I am unstable.

Anyway, I don't see anything wrong and actually think it is good to tell her you are with someone else... .   Forego the 'good woman' part as it's maybe a bit thick for her.

Sounds like you are doing really well though... . Good for you!

[goldylamont]

If you tell her you can't see her anymore, you are with someone else now and she has BPD all in the same discussion/email, she will only hear the rejection part.  The rest I don't think will go far. 

gotcha. i'm doing it for me. writing things out, saying the full truth of the situation is healing for me. i could care less if she threw the email away... .   well, ok, i'm human i know a part of me would want to make an impact or perhaps have some positive outcome, but i've found over the past few months that i need to do things for me and me only (regarding any r/s with her). personally i think she'd just reverse things and say to herself that i was the one with a personality disorder; that would be my guess, but honestly i have no idea what she's thinking at any time.

i dunno, maybe others could share what happened when they spilled the beans? i'm still not sure if i will, just that i will if she keeps contacting me; for the simple fact that it feels good to tell the truth without regard for the response (as long as i'm in a *positive* mood). this gives me power back

[goldylamont]

Someone posted something good about it here... .   They said to a poster... .   "How would you feel if someone told you that you were mentally ill?"

That struck home... .

thank you for the words! so, i feel it's important for me, for my own personal power to be truthful and to not worry about her reactions, as long as my intention is coming from a place of personal love and power. i could care less how it makes her feel--please understand i say this without malice. just that having empathy for this person doesn't serve me at all. in this phase, after so much time i'm only after restoring my own personal power--writing on this forum is one way this restoration helps. telling the whole truth, keeping myself in check so that i'm not offensive to her or me, is a way for me to feel better. i don't know why, but so far as long as i've trusted my gut feelings it's been positive. if i can feel just a little better by saying the truth to her i don't really worry about how it would affect her. i'm incapable of making her feel any worse than she already feels about herself

[Hurt llama]

Someone posted something good about it here... .   They said to a poster... .   "How would you feel if someone told you that you were mentally ill?"

That struck home... .

thank you for the words! so, i feel it's important for me, for my own personal power to be truthful and to not worry about her reactions, as long as my intention is coming from a place of personal love and power. i could care less how it makes her feel--please understand i say this without malice. just that having empathy for this person doesn't serve me at all. in this phase, after so much time i'm only after restoring my own personal power--writing on this forum is one way this restoration helps. telling the whole truth, keeping myself in check so that i'm not offensive to her or me, is a way for me to feel better. i don't know why, but so far as long as i've trusted my gut feelings it's been positive. if i can feel just a little better by saying the truth to her i don't really worry about how it would affect her. i'm incapable of making her feel any worse than she already feels about herself

I am doing the same thing here in journalizing my experiences here. What are you hoping will come out of telling her?If you are coming from a place of love how can you not worry how it will effect her? I'm not judging as I just went through this... .

[goldylamont]

good questions... .

... .   What are you hoping will come out of telling her?

that i will feel better. simple as that. here's why--defining my thoughts by writing them out and communicating them is releasing out energy i have inside of me. giving lots of thoughts and feelings the form of words and then sending these words away helps me release from my body and soul subconscious ideas that i don't want to cling to. it's cleansing in a way. also, telling the truth, without the intent of malice or forgiveness... .   communicating this for me is a practice at the art of saying what i mean no matter how difficult the truth is. i'd be cheating myself if i just said a whole bunch of stuff in a mean way or to try to get a reaction, i'm looking to define my thoughts and know i have the courage to hit "send" and be proud that something so difficult to acknowledge has been said in a way that i'm proud of. then, it's outside of me and simpler to let go.

... .   If you are coming from a place of love how can you not worry how it will effect her?... .  

haha, that's the thing, i'm referring to loving myself, not her. truth be told, there's still some "love?" there for her, but this isn't real, it's not real love. but the love for myself is. i think it's a mistake to care for anyone who doesn't care for you. so here's the thing--if i can be truthful, to myself, and be respectful of myself, proud of what i say whatever she takes from it is on her. like i said, if the truth is kryptonite to her then that's not my issue. i don't think it will be though. mostly indifference is the most likely response. i get the sense that unless there's some immediate personal gain for her then she'll just filter out anything. either way, i know I would feel better 

if it sounds selfish, it's because it is. i feel it's important to be selfish, self love selfish, if you're dealing with a relationship where the other person only cares for their own self interest

[goldylamont]

Hurt llama, just wanted to clarify that my exBPD knows/has known that i'm with someone for a while. before, when we were still "friendly" we both talked about people we were dating, it's just that i'm still with the same person. you are correct i'm not trying to play any games by showing off my new gf to her, only that the truth of the matter is that we/she killed off any chance of having a friendship as long as i'm with my current gf (whole nother situation).

but i did want to mention that i don't know how healthy it is holding in how you really feel from your ex. it's true, you should never discuss things when your emotions can get the best of you and it could come out the wrong way--but understand that this is because *you* could hurt yourself, embarrass yourself, or give them fuel to justify calling you mean or crazy when you're not really.

how unfair is the situation you mentioned, where you actually feel bad about being honest to your ex and telling her you feel she has a personality disorder? when you told her, were you trying to be mean? were you angry? or were you concerned, perhaps trying to gain some understanding, hoping it would help in some way?

now, contrast that to her text to you saying that you were unstable--do you think for a minute that she feels bad about saying that to you? do you think she was acting to gain understanding? do you think she cares for how you feel?

personally, it's this continued, self-inflicted, forced, dishonesty and not being able to speak out which is the root of much of the emotional abuse i suffered in the relationship. it's emotional poison to care for this person if you make a comment and they don't care at all when the situation is reversed. they are literally taking your power to fill a void that can't be filled by you or anyone else. so best to not give that power to them. best to not care--this is of course assuming a lot because i don't know many details about your ex r/s. if you were married to this person or forced to keep in contact it would be another story... .   but if it's an ex that's playing games, why keep poisoning yourself by keeping your feelings hidden? or seek any reaction from her at all?

[whereisthezen]

HL,

If it was going to help her, yes she could be told.

If she would react as we would react to someone with credibility telling us, listening with ponder, questions, discussion, seek a professional opinion, yes.

If someone said it to me, it wouldnt be a fair example. Im not BPD. I may reply that I have stress or anxiety. I wouldnt react much, Id laugh but listen and Id say if I really knew them, I am nervous and in a codependent relationship. So do I have a mental illness? No, I dont, want some coffee?

Saying it to a BPD triggers emotions, feelings, probably disgust, shame, self awareness that is negative, overwhelming, an attack, a need to stop this feeling. Shut it off, go away, I hate you, you have BPD, mine would most likely have a break and dillusions, psycotic behavior. Some have a few diagnosis' so to know what would happen is a big roll of the dice.

It might be better if anyone says anything is to give them a list of their behaviors. They can tear it up, but you did tell them. If you can generalize it, maybe it can be done anonomously, but I would do it with great care and Id chose a therapists session vs a letter.

There's no easy answer here. I struggle with it too.

Sometimes we just have to take the time and energy and put that back into us. Its only fair. That is really hard to do when we do it for others with ease.

Best to you.

[whereisthezen]

Sorry last post was for Goldylamont

[causticdork]

I'm happy to share the results of mentioning BPD to my ex, though I don't know how helpful it will be.

I told mine during a conversation several months back where she had mentioned how badly she wanted to find a therapist because she knew there was something really wrong with her but she didn't know what.  It didn't lead to a fight or anything like that, but she was the one who brought up needing help, so I was just offering up a possibility that seemed likely to me.

Just this week, post-break-up but during a point where she was trying to convince me to give her another chance, she mentioned again that she was going to find a therapist and start working on herself.  I offered support, told her that was a great decision, and mentioned the possibility that she might have BPD again.  This time I explained a few of her behaviors that made me suspect BPD and she asked when I had looked all this information up.  I told her it was a few months ago around when we first talked about it, and she had no idea we had talked about it before. 

She had forgotten the entire conversation, which was a lengthy one where I directed her to websites that offered therapy tools and coping for people with the disorder, and even researched and recommended a few books.  This was less than 90 days ago.  She had gone to the website, told me she would try using the tools they had recommended, and then just instantly forgot about the whole thing.  I reminded her about the website and what it looked like and when I had shown her and she just looked confused and changed the subject.

Granted, my ex had a drug problem on top of the BPD (not uncommon, from what I understand) so it's possible that she was high as a kite when we had that initial conversation, but we went over the website the next day and then talked about it again a day or two later when I asked her what she thought of it. 

So... .   Mine did not react with anger and was actually fairly receptive to the idea.  She was also very high-functioning and would appear perfectly normal to everyone except her immediate family and former romantic partners, but was aware that there was something very wrong with the way she connected and communicated with me and with all the girls that came before me, so she was more self-aware than most with BPD.  Then again, she forgot about the conversation completely and went on with her life exactly the same as before.  She'll probably do the same thing this time too. 

I say if you feel it's something you need to tell her then go for it.  We get so used to walking on eggshells when we're dating someone with BPD that sometimes it feels good to stop caring and just jump up and down smashing the stupid eggshells. 

[wanttoknowmore]

Goldilamont,

I did text pwBPD that I think she might have  BPD and should try to understand and get treatment otherwise she will remain unhappy. I got a sudden barrage of angry,furious texts incl. a threat that she will have to get a restraining order if I dont stop texting her. I did stop 15 days ago and its full NC now.

She knows that I dont say things lightly and she trusts my analysis a lot. She ,used to say you overanalyse things but in the end you turn out to be right each time.

I believe she will ,sometime in the future, will give a serious thought about what I said. At some point in future she  might be thankful to me and say "U overanalyse but in the end u always turn out to be right" I took the risk but I don't regret it. She didnot carry out her threat of R.O... . I just did what I think a good,sincere friend would have done.

Make sure You say this in a nice, respectful and caring manner. Ensure you safety and take full precautions. All pwBPD's are not the same. Mine is not violent or vindictive.

[changingme]

I have spilled the beans recently and I got a "leave me alone" "your the one who is unstable and needs therapy" etc. 

I am waiting for his softer side to "come back" and I may attempt again for the sake of our child. 

[ltul]

I feel for you sometime the words are on my lips to tell my uBPDh but I always bite my lip. I don't think it would help for us to tell them. I don't think they could handle their perfect version of themselves being questioned.  I don't have any real help for you just wanted you to know that you aren't alone in wanting to tell. But maybe not telling them that they are ill is the difference between them and us. they don't even hesitate to let us know on a regular basis how messed up they think we are. So for now I am just going to pray that he is told but just not by me.

Good Luck you will know when the time comes what is right for you.

[sunrising]

it feels good to tell the truth without regard for the response

Goldy, it's good to see you back around here.

I know how it feels to want to tell the whole truth.  I often feel the same way.  My T calls this "purging".  It's healthy.  However, you might want to consider the importance of who you tell the whole truth to... .     We are no longer responsible for our ex's (never were, really... . ), but we are responsible to them, as we are to all other people.  Would you be telling your ex you think she has BPD out of love and compassion or out of a need to to feel better yourself?  It seems that the need to feel better yourself could be addressed otherwise, and without the risk of the consequences many here are familiar with in trying to tell someone we think they have BPD. 

Also, if you feel that telling her will help you regain some sort of power, I assume that means she still has some power over you at times.  I know the feeling, but when I've acted in an attempt to regain some power it has yet to work out well with the exception of one strategy: NC.  When I say nothing, that's when I really feel in control.

Just some of my perspective... .  

sunrising

[RedCandle]

if it sounds selfish, it's because it is. i feel it's important to be selfish, self love selfish, if you're dealing with a relationship where the other person only cares for their own self interest

My ex has done horrible things to me... .   but in a million years I would never tell him I think he has BPD... .  

... .   in my opinion... .   that's the equivalent of looking a Schizophrenic in the eye and saying, ":)O YOU KNOW YOU ARE CRAZY?"... .   and then, expecting some kind of result.

No one chooses to have BPD. No one chooses to have ANY mental illness. I don't see the good in throwing it in their face for, "self love selfish" motives.

Is this really about loving yourself... .   or evening the score?

Most days, when I think about how hurt my ex's actions have made me... .   I just want to strangle him! But I've learned how to detach WITH love. BECAUSE I care for him, I don't want to hurt him. Why would I want someone to hurt? HURT has done ME no good.

You have another relationship... .   why not focus on THAT instead of your ex?

[Hurt llama]

Hurt llama, just wanted to clarify that my exBPD knows/has known that i'm with someone for a while. before, when we were still "friendly" we both talked about people we were dating, it's just that i'm still with the same person. you are correct i'm not trying to play any games by showing off my new gf to her, only that the truth of the matter is that we/she killed off any chance of having a friendship as long as i'm with my current gf (whole nother situation).

but i did want to mention that i don't know how healthy it is holding in how you really feel from your ex. it's true, you should never discuss things when your emotions can get the best of you and it could come out the wrong way--but understand that this is because *you* could hurt yourself, embarrass yourself, or give them fuel to justify calling you mean or crazy when you're not really.

how unfair is the situation you mentioned, where you actually feel bad about being honest to your ex and telling her you feel she has a personality disorder? when you told her, were you trying to be mean? were you angry? or were you concerned, perhaps trying to gain some understanding, hoping it would help in some way?

now, contrast that to her text to you saying that you were unstable--do you think for a minute that she feels bad about saying that to you? do you think she was acting to gain understanding? do you think she cares for how you feel?

personally, it's this continued, self-inflicted, forced, dishonesty and not being able to speak out which is the root of much of the emotional abuse i suffered in the relationship. it's emotional poison to care for this person if you make a comment and they don't care at all when the situation is reversed. they are literally taking your power to fill a void that can't be filled by you or anyone else. so best to not give that power to them. best to not care--this is of course assuming a lot because i don't know many details about your ex r/s. if you were married to this person or forced to keep in contact it would be another story... .   but if it's an ex that's playing games, why keep poisoning yourself by keeping your feelings hidden? or seek any reaction from her at all?

It's not easy to be in a relationship with someone who is mentally ill. I forget I am dealing with someone with a clearly defined illness. I'm the one with no excuse really. I know better supposedly.

Of course it's 'unfair' and of course she is incapable of seeing things from a normal perspective. To her she cannot acknowledge shame, guilt, remorse. She shows very little empathy.

I'm damaged from the connection... .   and it's starting to feel like heroin addiction.

I gave it another try... .   and I feel like the crazy one here. And a case could easily be made that I did over react... .   or as she just texted me... . that i throw in the towel too fast.

It's a crazy making ride... .   And yet when it stops I feel scared.

[mrclear]

After 14 years of marriage to my exBPDw, I was cast aside. Completely broken down I went to see my first T. He listened to me for 30 min and diagnosed... .   , my ex! BPD... . I never stood a chance. I was applauded for lasting so long. I didn't know the full meaning of the disorder, was too frail to accept the diagnosis and was pulled back in for a recycle 6 months later. I mentioned the word BPD, but we didn't give it much meaning, because she was now "committed" to the relationship. The same terrible cycle lasted 10 months this time. Back to the T. His words: "How often are you are you going to let someone do this to you?" It was the final wake-up call. I read, researched and started to heal... .  

My ex called me shortly after in tears. She told me I was probably right about her BPD and asked me for help. I gave her all the info I knew and promised to help her. I was hopeful. She called me back  half an hour later. She had done the research and is not BPD. How DARE I waste my time on such a presumption! She was perfectly healthy and it just didin't work out between us... .  

My T gave me a great abbreviation to learn. F.E.R. F: Fascination, E: Enmeshment/Entanglement, R: Retribution.

So: You become fascinated by the person (and they by you). You become enmeshed/entangled in their life (and obviously their disorder) and then you get punished for becoming involved or getting to close: Retribution.

This is the cycle of BPD. It can happen in a few hours, or 15 years. How ever long YOU allow this to happen.

In conclusion: Telling a BPD she/he has BPD is pointless unless they are truly able to face there own personal wounds and are willing to take the hardship of a long, difficult therapy. However the case may be, since you are obviously the main cause of all her unhappiness, he/she will never accept this information from you. Don't even try... .  

She is now on her 3rd replacement and running F.E.R. again and again and again... .  

mrclear

[Dire Wolf]

My uBPDxW is still so angry that I chose to leave our relationship (forget the fact that she put us in debt on travels with friends, jewels for herself and oh yeah, an affair). We split in 2006 yet she still speaks of it like it was yesterday. She now lives alone in a 1 bedroom rental apt. Unhappy and alone.

The kids have a stable home base with me. My life chugs along just fine.

Yet I still get raging emails stating how selfish and mentally disordered I am. Thankfully I have learned to ignore her rants. No volleys of emails. Only the now relatively rare communication regarding the kids.

If I ever tried to guide her to help she would reject it swiftly and aggressively. The truth is too hard for her to face. I think she talks about herself (without knowing it) when she throws her rages at me.

There is no middle ground. There is no help we can give other than to set them on their own and let them get the help on their own (from someone else, hopefully professional).

Dire Wolf

[whereisthezen]

Mrclear, thank you. Good food for thought!

"My T gave me a great abbreviation to learn. F.E.R. F: Fascination, E: Enmeshment/Entanglement, R: Retribution.

So: You become fascinated by the person (and they by you). You become enmeshed/entangled in their life (and obviously their disorder) and then you get punished for becoming involved or getting to close: Retribution.

This is the cycle of BPD. It can happen in a few hours, or 15 years. How ever long YOU allow this to happen. "

[goldylamont]

In conclusion: Telling a BPD she/he has BPD is pointless unless they are truly able to face there own personal wounds and are willing to take the hardship of a long, difficult therapy.

mrclear

mrclear i applaud you on your strength. the difference in our situations is that i don't expect anything from her. and i'm not trying to help her, because i know this isn't in my power. i am NOT saying this to hurt her. but i feel like a fake being "friends" with anyone and holding back feelings like this.

[goldylamont]

RedCandle, all valid points, please see my responses below:

My ex has done horrible things to me... .   but in a million years I would never tell him I think he has BPD... .  

... .   in my opinion... .   that's the equivalent of looking a Schizophrenic in the eye and saying, ":)O YOU KNOW YOU ARE CRAZY?"... .   and then, expecting some kind of result.

my uBPDexgf is very high functioning. i wouldn't say anything if i felt she was suicidal or if it would throw her into a rage or anything. if the situation was this intense, I'd just keep things to myself. so, first point is that i don't see her so delusional as a Schizophrenic. Second thing is something i've said many times already, but I should reiterate--I don't expect some kind of result... .   from her. I'm doing this for me. If there were a chance of severe harm to her i wouldn't do it. if there's a chance she may just get upset or not want to talk anymore, well, then i'm fine with that. because i'm just telling the truth, and respecting a friend like i would respect any friend by letting them know the truth.

I don't see the good in throwing it in their face for, "self love selfish" motives.

Is this really about loving yourself... .   or evening the score?

absolutely about doing something for myself. absolutely NOT about "evening the score". i know there's no way to even the score. i also know that expressing myself out of anger, frustration or hate is not helpful or healing to me. that's why i won't be coming from this place emotionally if i choose to write this message. it's also why i'm choosing to write it out and not talk it out, so that i can review it and make sure i am coming from a place of mutual respect and positive energy, which is required since the subject is so sensitive. it aint revenge trust me i know she can play that game far better than me, i wouldn't dare try it with her. 

You have another relationship... .   why not focus on THAT instead of your ex?

what makes you think i'm not? i communicate with current gf and let her know that i'm dealing with my ex, about the BPD, everything. we've had some tough conversations but i'm so happy that i can discuss this with her and i think this makes our bond stronger--now this isn't to say that we talk about it often  , , only that i keep her informed of any communication with the ex. everybody has a past, i choose not to ignore how i feel, rather try to find the most constructive ways to express my truth, without dwelling on it too much

[goldylamont]

it feels good to tell the truth without regard for the response

Goldy, it's good to see you back around here.

I know how it feels to want to tell the whole truth.  I often feel the same way.  My T calls this "purging".  It's healthy.  However, you might want to consider the importance of who you tell the whole truth to... .     We are no longer responsible for our ex's (never were, really... . ), but we are responsible to them, as we are to all other people.  Would you be telling your ex you think she has BPD out of love and compassion or out of a need to to feel better yourself?  It seems that the need to feel better yourself could be addressed otherwise, and without the risk of the consequences many here are familiar with in trying to tell someone we think they have BPD. 

Also, if you feel that telling her will help you regain some sort of power, I assume that means she still has some power over you at times.  I know the feeling, but when I've acted in an attempt to regain some power it has yet to work out well with the exception of one strategy: NC.  When I say nothing, that's when I really feel in control.

Just some of my perspective... .  

sunrising

so awesome sunrising, thanks. Yes, i think you hit the nail on the head regarding healthy "purging". This is what I am doing in a sense. I do agree that i don't necessarily have to tell exBPD about all this as I have a small group of friends to express this to. but, now the situation has changed, the ex is contacting me, i feel like a fraud even talking with her and not expressing to totality of how i feel. i don't think we will be keeping in contact much, but if she chooses to contact me in the future i want her to know where i'm at, how i feel. i don't like it at all smiling in someone's face while at the same time feeling uneasy. i'm not in the r/s anymore and i've made a personal promise to never walk on eggshells for this person again. but it won't come out spiteful or hateful, that would hurt me. also, i'd rather her hear what i feel from me, personally, with an even perspective than from her ex-roomate, who holds her in very very low regard. i've always been like this. i don't like talking behind people's backs. and, discussing this with a few select friends of mine was fine when i thought i'd never hear from the ex again, but now i don't like talking with her at all with this hanging in the air.

and regarding your comment on NC--you're totally right. so thing is i've had NC for around 7 months and never planned to break it. her contacting me now and trying to start up this friendship thing has forced me think about how to deal with things in a new light. i don't think she will be a big part of my life at all, but if she plays *any* part, i want this based on honesty. i hope you can understand. and, yes, of course she still has 'some' power over me or i wouldn't be on these boards, , i just want to be responsible with my response to whatever power there is left. hope this makes sense

[goldylamont]

So... .   Mine did not react with anger and was actually fairly receptive to the idea.  She was also very high-functioning and would appear perfectly normal to everyone except her immediate family and former romantic partners, but was aware that there was something very wrong with the way she connected and communicated with me and with all the girls that came before me, so she was more self-aware than most with BPD.  Then again, she forgot about the conversation completely and went on with her life exactly the same as before.  She'll probably do the same thing this time too. 

I say if you feel it's something you need to tell her then go for it.  We get so used to walking on eggshells when we're dating someone with BPD that sometimes it feels good to stop caring and just jump up and down smashing the stupid eggshells. 

THANK YOU! causticdork i think of all the replies this may be closest to my situation since i believe my ex to be high functioning, and i wouldn't expect her at all to take any responsibility for anything. thank you for the support, IF i choose to tell her the truth, as i said before it will just be to keep my word to myself, stop walking on eggshells, and further my detachment in a healthy and honest way. i don't expect any change from her. thanks!

[goldylamont]

I feel for you sometime the words are on my lips to tell my uBPDh but I always bite my lip. I don't think it would help for us to tell them. I don't think they could handle their perfect version of themselves being questioned.  I don't have any real help for you just wanted you to know that you aren't alone in wanting to tell. But maybe not telling them that they are ill is the difference between them and us. they don't even hesitate to let us know on a regular basis how messed up they think we are. So for now I am just going to pray that he is told but just not by me.

Good Luck you will know when the time comes what is right for you.

Itul, means a lot that you shared this. i didn't even find out about BPD when i was in the r/s, it was a full year after it ended that i even found out, so i dunno how i would have reacted if i found out sooner, even if it was just after the break. i suppose i am fortunate in the sense that this is my ex and this whole communication is really a blip from NC, i don't know how i would react if she were my wife (i believe you mention that you have an uBPD husband). perhaps there's a way that you could release some of this energy you've been forced to hold in and stop biting your lip... .   maybe some positive way to do it? i couldn't say how since you're still in the r/s, but i should say that biting your lip/walking on eggshells, etc., i feel is very hurtful and accumulates little by little over time. i wish you well!

[mrclear]

goldy and others, 

We're all using great words here: truth, feelings, healthy, responsible, honesty, etc. What we have to understand is, that people with BPD do not really have a concept of what these words really mean. It's not that they don't understand them, they simply can't. Their understanding of these concepts are deepy linked to their disorder and they will only use them to twist and project them into their false reality. Simply to survive... .  

My ex is highfunctioning too, but I think our brief exchange about BPD ultimately worsened our post-relationship communication. She is highly guarded when it comes to our exchanges about anything, because she knows that she is dealing with someone who doesn't see her as "perfect" and is ready to accept her and deal with who she REALLY is. This is intolerable for someone who is preserving a "false" ego. We have kids together and I have to deal with her, but my knowledge about BPD has become a shield and a tool for setting boundaries, not something that I bring up in order to constantly prove healthy values and honest feelings. They simply can't integrate it.

So what do we do? We have all felt the burning urge to write a farewell letter, a testimony of our truth, or communicate our view of the failed relationship. We have a deep need for justice and desperately want our exBPD to understand. That is something you should DEFINITELY do, but we should write it for ourselves, not for them. The udBPD's ultimate goal is to survive, not come to terms with their disorder. If that's our intention, we're on a lost path.

I have written a letter to my BPDex which has, over the past year, evolved and contains 8 pages. It has helped me tremendously to go through the stages of my rollercoaster-ride with a BP and too grasp the concept of my own counter-dependancy, but I know I will NEVER send it, because it would'nt do any good. I keep a journal of all my communication with her (again: there are kids) and sometimes write down an e-mail I would have like to have written instead of the one I really wrote. It's helps me to "purge" and stay on the right path.

If there hadn't been any kids involved and my goal had been to keep an everlasting NC with my ex, I don't know if I wouldn't have sent my letter, eventhough every authority on BPD wold have told me not to... .   In the end however, I believe the ultimate goal is to understand ourselves, why we chose this relationship and how we move on from here. I think we should take time to heal our own wounds. Also the ones we have carried with us all of our lives... .   Let's forgive ourself first, before we start thinking of trying to forgive and understand others... .  

If we then still feel the need to communicate this to our exes, we should be prepared for the fact that they will NOT understand, NOT feel, will NOT feel responsible, will NOT get healthy and will NOT share our "truth"... .  

I know that the day will come when I will read my letter and I simply won't care anymore... .   I will print it out and burn it. A little ritual, to add importance to the event, and then I will move on and realise that my journey with a BPD has actually made me grow and has guided me to a more valuable time in my life.

mrclear

[goldylamont]

nobody here seems to understand that i don't care about her reaction.

or, perhaps a little more truthful is that i don't *want* to care about her reaction

or, let's delve a little deeper, because i honestly feel like honesty and truthfulness is such a turn-off, bummer, yawn-boring for a BPD that maybe this would give me distance that i want. in a way i'd be protecting myself from myself by pushing her away. i do feel like some of these are hidden reasons i may have. it's worrysome being contacted by her, i feel pretty safe but hell i don't wanna get sucked back into that tornado

i really wanted to try and steer the conversation here to NONBPD folks talking about what *they* wanted. yet many posters default to immediately discussing how much they care about the reaction with the person with BPD. call me crazy, i guess i just felt like for once it would be nice to care more about how you would feel, rather than whatever reaction, or how/why or brain chemistry or anything else pertaining to a person with BPD. wouldn't it be nice, to just be so bored, so over it, just to yawn at the thought of even caring what they think or feel... . if just for a little while?

[GreenMango]

You feel that doing this will push her away and its a protective move.  You kill the possibility of being hurt anymore because you've hurt her to the point there is no saving this.  She runs away.  You want distance.

There might be better ways to protect yourself here and get that distance.  Like not engaging in any more of her antics, not dancing with her, not looking to engage in needless conflict.  It's as simple as saying "I can't have you in my life anymore your behavior is unacceptable to me.  I will not contact you again and will not be responding to any contact from you.  I wish you well."

The only distance you are going to get is the distance you make for yourself - don't rely on her actions for that.  one of the critical errors I made was handing the reigns over to a person who repeatedly showed me they had no business steering us anywhere.  Steer your own cart Goldy - I'm guessing there are better places you want to go.

[wanttoknowmore]

Goldilamont,

I also, feel that everyone feels about BPD's feelings and reactions. Nons are not important although they were the once of who were hurt, betrayed,abused and deceived. 

Seems like people need to protect the feelings of their "poor little BPD" even if BPD murders her own  boyfriend in cold blood. The guys life seems trivial as we are all in this mission to protect the feelings of our "poor,helpless BPD"  What a hypocricy ! Isn't it identifying with the aggressor?  By that measure, we should protect the feelings of poor ,little, Hitler or Mussolini as they were sick and didnot know what they were doing.

Yes, We do have right to tell BPDs that they are sick and hurt and cause damage to their loved ones by their behavior. We have right to tell them it's time to stop their cruel game and get help and try to fix their crazy patterns. Someone has to take the risk. Seems like Nons are so afraid to use their freedom of expression. Yes, Nons need to very careful, gentle and ensure their full safety before they tell BPDs that they need to get treatment.

[RedCandle]

If you want distance... .   you don't need to tell her she has BPD to get it. You can do it yourself.

Not responding. Not calling. Not emailing. Nothing. If YOU don't respond you have all the distance in the world.

If it's distance that you want to come of this... .   then really, you ARE hoping to get a reaction from her... .   you are hoping that she responds by going away... .   being "pushed" away.

But right now, you are doing the OPPOSITE of distancing yourself. Instead of investing time in your new relationship, you are investing it HERE, discussing your BPD ex and your plans to tell her about her mental illness. That's not distance.