How to deal with extreme push-pull behavior

[wdone]

Back again.

My udBPDbf and I have been seeing each other again for about 3 months--I think we had 6 or 7 weeks without speaking.

He is, as usual, getting really close, and then backing off, however, it had gotten better, and he was more aware of his/our pattern and he was not pulling the "break up" card as much.  And he was re-appearing more consistently, and able to laugh more at himself and his behavior and fears.

Last week, he asked me to go out of town (across the country) to meet up with his brother and sister in law for a show.  We also talked about long term stuff again (baby, etc).

He disappeared after that weekend, where we also went for a long walk, he cooked for me, we laughed a lot, and were intimate.

(As I am writing this, I am realizing it's probably just the same pattern of intimacy and then pushing me away)... .  

SO, I've texted him a few times over the last week, and left maybe 2 messages.  Normally, he "remembers," stabilizes, becomes regulated, and has told me the texts from me have been comforting, or helped him to realize i am "kind, and supportive and loving."

I texted him tonight to see if he wanted to have dinner, and he texted back an angry text, swearing and said if I text him again, that he will get a restraining order.  

It took my breath away. And scared me.  I did call a friend from a support group I recently took for partners of mentally ill people, and she suggested I call one of the crisis numbers to talk about what to do, so I did.  

The worker was very supportive and understood the situation, which was helpful.  He asked if I thought my bf was safe and if I wanted them to take action to see of he was ok, to which I said no... .

I am still left feeling like the crazy one, I think due to the crazy making.  The self doubt and anxiety is awful.  

I'm trying to remember how afraid and overwhelmed he gets and trying to remember his pattern of pushing me away when he's intimate with me.  

And, it scares me to think that his illness could make him believe that he needs a restraining order against me to feel safe in his world.  

The worker suggested I text my bf again to tell him I was there for him, and that if he needed me, to please text or call me.  I decided against that, as I figured my bf may still be dysregulated and out of fear that he would act on his threat... .  

I am still spinning that he could feel that unsafe, and have that much fear and distrust for me.  

I don't know what to believe as usual, but the last time he did something like this, and when I saw him next and he was perfectly sane and said he had been crazy and that he loved me, i vowed to remember that. I told myself that when he did this again (raged, pushed, threatened, got irrational), that I would not buy into it or get upset, as he never means it.

And, I did not react "to" him, only inside and to friends.  I responded with love and detachment and care.  And took myself to a meeting and called the crisis number to ask how to deal with it, and drank some tea and called a friend.

Have you been through this?  

I need someone to get this... .   thanks  


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[Rockylove]

And, I did not react "to" him, only inside and to friends.  I responded with love and detachment and care.  And took myself to a meeting and called the crisis number to ask how to deal with it, and drank some tea and called a friend.

This is so very difficult.     I go through the push/pull all the time~~perhaps not to the extent you describe, but it's there.  From what you are saying though, you are not feeling what you are saying/doing to and with him.  Are you being true to yourself~~taking care of yourself by soothing him and being in turmoil within? 

I ask with genuine concern for your well being~~what is it that you feared from his threat? 

[patientandclear]

I haven't been through this exact thing myself, though my exbf relates stories of women mysteriously stalking him, and I've read SO many stories here about BPDexes threatening ROs that it seems part of the script.  So in that sense, I don't think this is anything to "worry" about, it is just a different edition of a dynamic you already know.

When anyone asks you not to contact them on pain of them applying for a RO though, I think you've got to respect that.  So, glad you didn't take the advice to text him back.

Yes, he is really afraid of your closeness.  You know that though.  I wonder if you'd sort of allowed yourself to slip into thinking it had changed?  Might change?  This man is excruciatingly afraid of your intimacy.  Clearly, he is also really drawn to you, since even after really gut-wrenching episodes and disappearances, he always returns (how did you guys get back in contact? when we last heard from you, you seemed pretty resolved that his illness was bigger than you could contend with and it seemed like you were making some decisions about being finished).

My pwBPD has been completely gone from me for a month now.  Yes, it's because he's scared in complex ways.  But in order to explain the fleeing, which is rude as all get-out, and breaks all the principles he said he would honor about communication, he has to have told himself a story that I am really bad.  Just as your ex has undoubtedly told himself a story that you are really bad.  Seems like after a few months yours can allow that story to fade and begin again to see you in a more positive lens.  But right now, you are bad in his eyes.  You've been through that so many times before--he's explained he doesn't know why this happens, & you know it doesn't last.

I asked how you guys got back in contact because I'm wondering if there is any pattern of him reaching out after significant time.  My memory of your story is that you are almost always the one who reaches out.  If that's the only way you ever reconnect after he has pulled away, I can see why the idea that you cannot reach out because of his current request tied to the threat of a RO, would feel scarier than his usual pull-back, because it may feel that there is no way back.

So -- does he eventually connect with you, or is it always something you need to do?

If the latter ... .   I suspect if you wait a few weeks and reach out again, he will not remember the thing about the RO.

Good to "see" you Wdone  

[hithere]

The paranoia is rough... .   she would call her mom crying that I was plotting xyz and she was afraid of me, next day she would act like nothing happened.  This behavior became one of the deal-breakers for me, it was too stressful.

A threat of a restraining order is crossing a big boundary as that implies the police and legal action could take place.  I would be very cautious and since you are in the staying section I recommend you wait for him to contact you first.

good luck

[wdone]

patient and clear, hithere, and rocky love, thanks!

my biggest 2 fears were/are that he will follow through with it, and the police will come arrest me or something and 2. that i will look like the crazy one, and he will paint a picture of me and that people will believe him. i guess also, a big fear, is that his distorted reality could make him believe that i am "evil" "a vampire" (all the words he uses to describe me when he is in trauma/terror/painting me black.

the general fear of mine is of his severe neurosis and how that could potentially play out! wow.! scary stuff.

patient and clear, when you mentioned the other fear i might have about me not being able to contact him (and thats a main way we have reconnected), i think that that is a part of it, --and all of my communication has been taken away from me.  powerlessness.

however, i did have the insight this morning that he will have to sit with himself now... .   that we're not communicating. AND, as was pointed out, this may last a few days or a while.

also, i am MAD suddenly after realizing what a big threat this was from him, how awful and out of the blue and feels like a violation.  it was mean, and scared me. 

patient and clear, we got back in touch as i called to let him know my dog had passed.  he came right over, and we cried and cried together and talked about memories with him (my dog)... .

so, then we were back in contact.

and, i had been getting to know another man, and i stopped going on dates with him almost immediately, and let me bf know about it, (that i had been trying to move on and had been dating a guy a few times and that i was still in love with him --my bf-- and that i had stopped, to which he said he was grateful and happy to know i was still in love with him)

[wdone]

does anyone else have experience with their BPD so threatening or getting a restraining order?

[briefcase]

It happens.  You'll be more likely to find members w ho have dealt with this specific threat over on the legal board.

[Empathy101]

wdone,

I'm not familiar with the backstory but your post concerns me quite a bit. Threatening you with a TRO is not "extreme push-pull" in my opinion. That very act (and whatever might be said in a frantic effort to justify it) could be dangerous to your future, to your career, etc.

I think you handled it well by making some calls about what took place, but how much thought have you put into your own personal boundaries? Is there is a limit for you? If you were arrested, does that cross a boundary?

You obviously care about this person and, as I said, I don't know whether they are in treatment or not, but as much as your sympathy, support and love for him are noble things, I think you may be at a point where you need to support and love yourself more than him.

I'm very sorry that you're going through this. I know how tough it is. I know all the frustration and despair that a BPD's maladaptive coping mechanism can cause. I know trying to help them and failing can cause emotions that linger for a very long time. It sucks! But I really hope you try to step back and view this from a distance because it really appears the situation with this particular person has crossed some lines and become potentially dangerous to your happiness and well-being - and that should be the primary concern.

I wish my reply had some "fix" to that situation but I firmly believe that any disordered person who uses threats of violence or legal recourse (utilizing false claims) is in a place where you cannot help them. Furthermore, they are adults and need to be held responsible for making such threats. That won't happen if you ignore the threats. You wrote that he seemed to understand his issues. Well, if that's correct, you'll eventually get an apology that explains how wrong he was to threaten you with a restraining order. If you don't believe you'll ever get that, then you likely know deep down that this situation is a very unhealthy and unsafe one.

[waverider]

Only thing I can add is be very wary of enmeshment, and particularly reactionary behavior and decision making on your part. Plan your life and what you want to do around your decisions and let him fit around it as he feels like. Dont jump to follow his "good" moments, or panic to his "bad" moments.

Dont follow him on the roller coaster, you will always be behind and still on the up when he has peaked and on the way down and viz versa. Stay the straight line and let him oscillate around you, he will also find that less threatening than always on his tail and hence highlighting his inconsistencies, as they will be mirrored in you.

Your job is to keep you stable not him. He will do as he will. He needs a stable source of reference to stand any chance of settling himself

[wdone]

wdone,

I'm not familiar with the backstory but your post concerns me quite a bit. Threatening you with a TRO is not "extreme push-pull" in my opinion. That very act (and whatever might be said in a frantic effort to justify it) could be dangerous to your future, to your career, etc.

I think you handled it well by making some calls about what took place, but how much thought have you put into your own personal boundaries? Is there is a limit for you? If you were arrested, does that cross a boundary?

You obviously care about this person and, as I said, I don't know whether they are in treatment or not, but as much as your sympathy, support and love for him are noble things, I think you may be at a point where you need to support and love yourself more than him.

I'm very sorry that you're going through this. I know how tough it is. I know all the frustration and despair that a BPD's maladaptive coping mechanism can cause. I know trying to help them and failing can cause emotions that linger for a very long time. It sucks! But I really hope you try to step back and view this from a distance because it really appears the situation with this particular person has crossed some lines and become potentially dangerous to your happiness and well-being - and that should be the primary concern.

I wish my reply had some "fix" to that situation but I firmly believe that any disordered person who uses threats of violence or legal recourse (utilizing false claims) is in a place where you cannot help them. Furthermore, they are adults and need to be held responsible for making such threats. That won't happen if you ignore the threats. You wrote that he seemed to understand his issues. Well, if that's correct, you'll eventually get an apology that explains how wrong he was to threaten you with a restraining order. If you don't believe you'll ever get that, then you likely know deep down that this situation is a very unhealthy and unsafe one.

Thanks--I had titled the thread differently, something like "What to do when your BPD threatens a restraining order", and one of  the moderators changed the title, as they said it sounded more like push/pull behavior... .   I was relieved to hear they thought this, but like you, I was very concerned.

It had me really afraid of what he may be capable of.

I took further action yesterday and called the local DV support line to ask some questions, and the woman I spoke to said that many "abusers" flip the situation around and try to put the focus and blame on the woman(person being "abused", and she said she has heard about several men who tried to get restraining orders against their partner.  It's a common way to get power and project blame, I guess.  She also said he would not have any basis for it, and that a Judge would never grant it to him.  My texts said things like "Remember our walk around the lake last week?" and "i love you" and "Would you like to come for dinner? I made fish"

To get a restraining order, the person in question has to have made threats or be threatening the persons physical safety. 

I also found out the police cant just arrest someone in a situation with a RO... . one would be served with it, and then go to a court date and be able to state their side of it.

And, YES, I cam utterly devastated that he would pull something like threatening me with a restraining order.  I am so sad, and tired today.  Yes, I am shocked at the implications and possible outcomes if I were to send him a text (as was suggested) saying I'm worried about him, and here for him if he needs me". It's CRAZY. and very sad. 

I did wonder today if/when he's going to show up again, and if he will say he's sorry. he has said sorry about yelling/raging/"breaking it off" --saying that he was overwhelmed and "insane" and didn't know what else to do, and that he didn't mean it.

Thanks for your concern. I am concerned as well

[wdone]

Only thing I can add is be very wary of enmeshment, and particularly reactionary behavior and decision making on your part. Plan your life and what you want to do around your decisions and let him fit around it as he feels like. Dont jump to follow his "good" moments, or panic to his "bad" moments.

Dont follow him on the roller coaster, you will always be behind and still on the up when he has peaked and on the way down and viz versa. Stay the straight line and let him oscillate around you, he will also find that less threatening than always on his tail and hence highlighting his inconsistencies, as they will be mirrored in you.

Your job is to keep you stable not him. He will do as he will. He needs a stable source of reference to stand any chance of settling himself

THANK YOU! I needed to be reminded of that. 

And, on the outside, I did stay pretty detached and loving. 

(He sent another text about 10 minutes after the one about the RO, and i did respond, and just said that his mixed messages have confused me, that i was sorry he seemed overwhelmed, and that i loved him but didn't like when he gets like this, as it is hard for me to deal with.)

I did go to the gym yesterday and had a massage today, and worked a bit this morning. 

I really appreciate your feedback--I do need to stay strong. 

[wdone]

It happens.  You'll be more likely to find members w ho have dealt with this specific threat over on the legal board.

Thanks, Briefcase. I did go over there. Scary stuff, but helpful.

[motherof1yearold]

So sorry this happened to you! I just read that post with my jaw dropped! 

To answer your question, yes I have experience with ex threatening a Restraining order.

What happened is he texted me 8 or 9 texts speaking aggressively of our marriage , and when I replied with ONE level headed text he threatened to have me arrested for harassment , and if I didn't stop he would also put a R.O . on me. I was floored. He was the one harassing, and I simply replied with one text (devoid of cursing and aggressive behavior) It was appalling!

[wdone]

So sorry this happened to you! I just read that post with my jaw dropped! 

To answer your question, yes I have experience with ex threatening a Restraining order.

What happened is he texted me 8 or 9 texts speaking aggressively of our marriage , and when I replied with ONE level headed text he threatened to have me arrested for harassment , and if I didn't stop he would also put a R.O . on me. I was floored. He was the one harassing, and I simply replied with one text (devoid of cursing and aggressive behavior) It was appalling!

Wow... . so sorry. What happened? Did he try to follow through with it?

I've been told he/they are projecting... . and don't feel safe around themselves.  Which made sense to me.  Like, he was/is trying to protect me from him. Weird.

[motherof1yearold]

Yes I agree it is projection. My pwBPD didn't follow through but I am aware he will use it as a weapon at any point. For my ex he didn't like to hear the truth about himself and what happened to our marriage so he needed a way to shut me up quick. It is also a power play/ control as well. Just like abusers , borderline people operate on power and control .

[wdone]

Thanks, so true,

I think my bf cannot handle his emotions for me. He pushes so much more when he feels so much for me.  He had just asked me on a trip, he had brought up having a family together, he had said how much he cares about me, we had laughed and been so connected.

He then calls me a "vampire" or says it is "mind control"--he simply cannot own his feelings. his emotions and feelings he has for me. He has literally said he thinks I am controlling his mind/feelings, and that I "suck him back in." It is all victim stuff.  I have to remember these things. How awful for him to not be able to own and enjoy his emotions. 

[wdone]

just wanted to check in again, as it's a rough time. 

i've really been trying to "let go and let god" for the first time in a while--i am back in touch with how much i love my bf, and how i cannot control his feelings or behavior.  and that he is always going back and forth. and he has never really "left." this may sound like basic stuff, but i really got it in my heart tonight again. 

i am trying to be in the moment, and not think about the future too much.  i took a bath and called my mentor.  i have gone into such fear in the past when he has done similar things, and he has always come back.

and like patient and clear said, and someone else i think, he probably won't remember his threat, or he will not relate to it in a serious way, which is comforting (and a little disturbing)... .  

also, my mentor reminded me that if god wants us to be together, we will be.  and i have always believed that it has been god's will for us to be together or he would remove us, and/or the feelings... .   maybe this last part isn't true, but i would hope so.

my mentor said its obvious to her how precious he and the relationship is to me, and also that i have to give it over.  which i am doing. again.

just hard to not be connecting with him. but as he always says, (when he's sane), we are always connected even if we're not talking, whether he likes it or not. still, i miss him... .  

[patientandclear]

Wdone, I think you understand all of this completely, and the problem is it is just very hard to accept the complete truth.  You want it to be different than it is, and it just isn't going to be different.  And that continued wishing and wanting is what causes you so much anguish.

You're right, your mentor is right, your bf is right -- you two are connected in a deep way.  And he does always come back.

But also -- he always leaves.  And he is going to keep leaving.  And coming back.  And leaving.  And coming back.

And unlike my ex, who just leaves and doesn't like to talk about why or even acknowledge that it happened (and who, BTW, may not always come back -- we don't have the kind of well-established pattern you do), your ex says things while he is leaving or when you are asking him about leaving or coming back that are really hard to hear.  About you being a vampire or controlling his mind.  So that's going to be rough, unless you hear all of that through your decoder ring as "I feel like I have to get away from you to feel better, but when I do get away from you, I never do feel better for more than a brief period, and then I feel bad that I'm away from you, and I don't understand why that is, because part of the time, being with you or wanting you makes me feel really BAD."

And that's just a definition of BPD.

I think the task before you, as it has been for a long time, is to worry less about whether he will return, and to accept more (if you stay committed to the r/s) that he IS going to leave, and he is going to do it in some spectacular ways, and he is going to do it especially when you have been really close.

One question: I hear that you were again discussing having a baby.  I want to fold you up in an enormous   because I know this is really important to you, and so is he.  But Wdone, I think you have to choose.  I don't think this man can have a baby with you.  I think it would send him even further into profound dysregulation and that that whole scenario would be awfully damaging to the child -- not that you wouldn't protect the child from her/his dad's emotional instability, but the truth is, you can only protect a child so much from that, and even more important, his affect on YOU is so profound that it would undoubtedly really affect your ability to be the mother you would otherwise be.  I say this from experience -- I'm a mom, and the accumulating heartbreak and mini-tragedies I've endured with my uBPDexbf the past two years have really compromised how functional I am as my daughter's mother and primary source of love and support.

I really, really think you have to be honest with yourself that if you are staying in this r/s you are either not having a baby or if you do, it will be super rough for you and the child.  You said you were seeing someone else, and I know you are feeling very solid in your commitment to your bf and, I  imagine, your decision to step away from that other dating relationship.  But for your future happiness, I just really want to push you a little to see that you have two roads before you, one with your bf with all his coming and leaving, and one with a possible baby or child (one way or another -- not saying biological conception is the only way forward here).  Either choice is completely valid, but from where I sit, it really is a choice, bf or child.

 

[wdone]

patient and clear, i thought about the baby vs my bf thing again last night... .  

i had similar thoughts, and it seems to be that i am presently where i'm at, and where i am is that i am in love with my bf still, that i have tried to move on, and i have not been able to, no matter how much i wanted to.  i love him. i remembered being in my "marriage and family" class a long time ago, and reading from the textbook that couples sometimes face a dilemma, around different wants or values, in terms of marriage, baby, moving, etc.  And I remember thinking "If I fall in love with someone and am with someone, we would talk about it, and make a decision together and of course, stay together and just deal with the decision we made."

i realized, also , that my bf may feel abandoned by me as i have been putting a baby first.  i felt bad for this today.

i've said this before, but i don't just want to "have a baby", and i have tried to date recently and it just doesn't work, doesn't feel right, i don't feel i'll ever be ready for that. 

SO, does that mean i am choosing my bf and no baby?

it's hard to be in a relationship though, when he has threatened a restrainign order.

also, he did mention that "maybe (he) should date other people", as he has said a few times in the past, but hasn't. i worry he will but am trying to let go of that as well, and remember that he would do the same thing/have the same issues.  :'(

thanks for letting me work this stuff out on here with you guys. 

[patientandclear]

BTW I didn't mean to refer to him as your "ex" above -- that term is so automatic for me in my own weird r/s or lack thereof, but your guy is clearly not "ex."  (Even though he's threatening a RO )

I don't think your guy is going to go start dating someone else.  It's been a LONG time now.  If he wants to let someone that close, it's going to be you.  It's just that he can only sometimes do that.

I think it is completely fine to accept that you don't want to date anyone else.  I don't either.  It felt good recently to realize I am deep in mourning for what happened with my ex, I do love him still, I am going to be processing that for a long long time, and I simply cannot line up another person and act like I can't tell the difference.

Maybe someday, someone I meet will touch me the way my ex did.  Maybe not.  Short of that though, I'd rather not engage with someone in a romantic way.  It just feels so much less.

I also think it is completely fine to surrender the idea of having a kid, because in actual life, you are choosing a r/s with someone who really cannot do that.  That's a completely valid choice, if YOU will let yourself off the hook about it.  That's the question.

When I was in a cruddy marriage in my late 30s I spent a lot of time panicking that we wouldn't get our situation straightened out in time for me to have a kid.  I wasn't in a financial position to adopt because my then-H was a financial basket case & was draining all our resources.  But I thought a lot about how I needed to separate the question of my role as a parent from the question of my problematic r/s, or I'd lose my sanity because I seemingly could neither end nor fix my r/s.

I ended up conceiving a child with that man, acknowledging that we might not be able to salvage our r/s, and indeed, we are now divorced.  He's not been the optimal parent but he's not awful.  The most important piece of that is that (i) I left him because he was unhealthy for me & that was unhealthy for our daughter; and (ii) he is not BPD so his dysfunctions, while not great in a co-parent, are not so destructive to me that I regret having a kid with him for her sake.

For you ... .   I wonder if another strategy makes sense, if you don't feel comfortable surrendering the wish for a child.  Sounds like you are going to stay connected to your bf indefinitely and do the best you can with that.  What about initiating some other process of becoming a mom (adoption, insemination) on a parallel track?  Something you have control over and that does not depend on him?  I would still have the concern that you in a r/s with him will really struggle to maintain the emotional even keel that is so important to parenting.  Maybe radical acceptance and complete commitment to the Staying skills practiced on this board could really help with that though.

[Grey Kitty]

my mentor said its obvious to her how precious he and the relationship is to me, and also that i have to give it over.  which i am doing. again.

 My heart goes out to you. This is some tough stuff to work through. I remember a really tough point in my marriage where I went on a 10-day silent meditation retreat. It really helped me a lot, and by the end I realized two things about myself, and that they can both be true at the same time.

• I love my wife dearly and will love her as long as I live.



• I might have to leave my marriage to save myself.

I really found some peace when I understood that my love for her didn't include sacrificing my self, my soul, or my self-respect and dignity for her issues. It was tough getting there. But it was the biggest step I've taken. Next biggest was probably finding this place and working the lessons/tools here.

Fortunately, the second part has changed for me--while I would leave to save myself, I can't see any reason I would need to now.

it's hard to be in a relationship though, when he has threatened a restrainign order.

Yeah, that is tough. I can't think of much that you can do about it... .   at least nothing easy. 

[wdone]

my mentor said its obvious to her how precious he and the relationship is to me, and also that i have to give it over.  which i am doing. again.

 My heart goes out to you. This is some tough stuff to work through. I remember a really tough point in my marriage where I went on a 10-day silent meditation retreat. It really helped me a lot, and by the end I realized two things about myself, and that they can both be true at the same time.

• I love my wife dearly and will love her as long as I live.



• I might have to leave my marriage to save myself.

I really found some peace when I understood that my love for her didn't include sacrificing my self, my soul, or my self-respect and dignity for her issues. It was tough getting there. But it was the biggest step I've taken. Next biggest was probably finding this place and working the lessons/tools here.

Fortunately, the second part has changed for me--while I would leave to save myself, I can't see any reason I would need to now.

it's hard to be in a relationship though, when he has threatened a restrainign order.

Yeah, that is tough. I can't think of much that you can do about it... .   at least nothing easy. 

thank you... .  

i think i need someone to take me through the lessons--does that ever happen here? like a sponsor kind of?

i really want to find some peace... . i realized i can't stop loving him, or get over him, so i better keep educating myself and taking care of myself.

[VeryFree]

Hi Wdone

I've been there.

My stbBPDxw has repeatedly threatened to file charges against me for DV.

It never touched me really, because I knew I never have done anything wrong and never would.

A few years ago I was contacted by a mutual friend of us asking what was going on. I asked to explain that question and was told, that my stbx had said I had beaten her up several times. I was totally flabbergasted! Never done that kind of thing.

At that time I should have ended the r/s but knowing she had a hard time, my codependency and hoping for a better future I started to JADE. (didn't know about BPD back then).

Years past by and the false accusations were spoken about many times: I JADE-d, she was telling me she would maybe file charges against me later on.

As you can read elsewhere on this boards, she attacked me a couple of months ago. After both calling and talking to the police I left the house. Two months later she filed charges against me, even having prove that she had bruises (must be self-inflicted).

For me that one was the most threatening: if she is capable of harming herself to damage me and my future, what else is she capable of.

For handeling this kind of stuff: allways stay calm, make notes, allways stay calm, make a paper trail, allways stay calm, inform others that you trust about what is going on, but most important: allways stay calm.

   

[benny2]

I have not had any experience with a RO with my pwBPD, but I did have a RO put on my ex husband and I know there has to be a threat in order to do so. I don't think he could have one put on you for some harmless text messages. Sounds like he is just blowing smoke, but I would definately not contact him anymore. They say mean things when they are raging but 9 out of 10 times they do not mean them. My pwBPD actually accused me of poisioning him while I was living there because he was having stomach problems. I am pretty sure his stomach problems were due to the fact that he was cheating on me and I was catching him in lies. Your pwBPD sounds like he really rages when he gets to close. Its most likely his anger towards himself that he is projecting onto you.

[wdone]

Hi Wdone

I've been there.

My stbBPDxw has repeatedly threatened to file charges against me for DV.

It never touched me really, because I knew I never have done anything wrong and never would.

A few years ago I was contacted by a mutual friend of us asking what was going on. I asked to explain that question and was told, that my stbx had said I had beaten her up several times. I was totally flabbergasted! Never done that kind of thing.

At that time I should have ended the r/s but knowing she had a hard time, my codependency and hoping for a better future I started to JADE. (didn't know about BPD back then).

Years past by and the false accusations were spoken about many times: I JADE-d, she was telling me she would maybe file charges against me later on.

As you can read elsewhere on this boards, she attacked me a couple of months ago. After both calling and talking to the police I left the house. Two months later she filed charges against me, even having prove that she had bruises (must be self-inflicted).

For me that one was the most threatening: if she is capable of harming herself to damage me and my future, what else is she capable of.

For handeling this kind of stuff: allways stay calm, make notes, allways stay calm, make a paper trail, allways stay calm, inform others that you trust about what is going on, but most important: allways stay calm.

   

thanks, i'm so sorry you went through that... .

i do need to stay calm--i've been meditating more, praying more, 2 massages this week, hot tub, trying to remind myself that he has threatened this before as well as other things, when he doesn't feel safe in the world... .  

i did call a friend from the partners of mentally ill class i took recently, and also called the crisis line to let him know what was happening, and also the local DV line, and they have a record of my call, letting them know what was going on.

i never ever thought i'd be going through this in my life. 

i do love him a lot, and feel for him, and that hasn't changed, but i do feel mad/offended that he would threaten that. maybe it was his only tool at the time in his overwhelmed moment, as he has eluded to in the past.

thanks for the advice.

[wdone]

I have not had any experience with a RO with my pwBPD, but I did have a RO put on my ex husband and I know there has to be a threat in order to do so. I don't think he could have one put on you for some harmless text messages. Sounds like he is just blowing smoke, but I would definately not contact him anymore. They say mean things when they are raging but 9 out of 10 times they do not mean them. My pwBPD actually accused me of poisioning him while I was living there because he was having stomach problems. I am pretty sure his stomach problems were due to the fact that he was cheating on me and I was catching him in lies. Your pwBPD sounds like he really rages when he gets to close. Its most likely his anger towards himself that he is projecting onto you.

my bf has also thought i was poisoning him in the past with food.

yes, thanks for pointing out his anger towards himself.

[wdone]

i really do want to communicate with him about what i have had insight about i.e. i love him, have felt selfish, feel guilty that i put a baby ahead of him and us/our love, and that i want to be with him, and that  i do not want to break up and go have a baby with someone else. (this is different from how i felt and what i expressed before)

this feels like a really important thing to tell him, and i do want to respect his need for space (at least that he had on wed--could be totally different now), and respect my need for my safety given that he may or may not follow through with a restraining order. 

does anyone have any suggestions on how to go about this?  i thought about calling a mutual friend of ours that may or may not still be talking to him, or hoping to run into my bf, or calling him, or sending a text asking if he is open to an important communication at this time, or if he still feels like he needs space... .  

what do you think? 

[VeryFree]

i really do want to communicate with him about what i have had insight about i.e. i love him, have felt selfish, feel guilty that i put a baby ahead of him and us/our love, and that i want to be with him, and that  i do not want to break up and go have a baby with someone else. (this is different from how i felt and what i expressed before)

this feels like a really important thing to tell him, and i do want to respect his need for space (at least that he had on wed--could be totally different now), and respect my need for my safety given that he may or may not follow through with a restraining order. 

does anyone have any suggestions on how to go about this?  i thought about calling a mutual friend of ours that may or may not still be talking to him, or hoping to run into my bf, or calling him, or sending a text asking if he is open to an important communication at this time, or if he still feels like he needs space... .  

what do you think? 

I don't have an answer, but I have my thoughts. I think that you're blaming yourself.

The question you should ask is if this self-blaming is fair.

A second question to answer for yourself: in my opinion a r/s is made and maintained by two persons. If one of those is a pwBPD, a lot of maintaining is on the shoulders of the non. Can you handle that, is that what you want in life or do you think your SO will turn around?

Be gentle on yourself!

[wdone]

i really do want to communicate with him about what i have had insight about i.e. i love him, have felt selfish, feel guilty that i put a baby ahead of him and us/our love, and that i want to be with him, and that  i do not want to break up and go have a baby with someone else. (this is different from how i felt and what i expressed before)

this feels like a really important thing to tell him, and i do want to respect his need for space (at least that he had on wed--could be totally different now), and respect my need for my safety given that he may or may not follow through with a restraining order. 

does anyone have any suggestions on how to go about this?  i thought about calling a mutual friend of ours that may or may not still be talking to him, or hoping to run into my bf, or calling him, or sending a text asking if he is open to an important communication at this time, or if he still feels like he needs space... .  

what do you think? 

I don't have an answer, but I have my thoughts. I think that you're blaming yourself.

The question you should ask is if this self-blaming is fair.

A second question to answer for yourself: in my opinion a r/s is made and maintained by two persons. If one of those is a pwBPD, a lot of maintaining is on the shoulders of the non. Can you handle that, is that what you want in life or do you think your SO will turn around?

Be gentle on yourself!

thank you,

i don't know if i am blaming myself... . rather, maybe owning my part and having some insight about what i really want... .   (i have friends tell me all the time that i am hard on myself, though, so i hear what you're saying)

yes, im pretty clear i want to be with him whether he is BPD or not, the way he is or not... .   i will think and pray more about this but i feel very clear today.  i always get back to this place it seems. my love for him is real and strong. it's not an ideal situation, and i wish he was more stable.  but not sure what other options may be. the ones i thought were there didn't work out i.e. me trying to date, me setting boundaries around my bf getting treatment etc... .  

[benny2]

I have found at times like this it is best to let them come to you. Mine seemed to love the chase and played on it, which made things even worse. Sitting it out and waiting is extremely difficult. I almost had to train myself to do it. As far as envolving a third party, I use to go to his daughter for answers. He resented that and it did not put her in a very good position. I have stopped that too. Its so hard, believe me, I know but letting him be at this time is really the best solution and you will not be adding any fuel to the fire.