i ran into my so today. of course. it was very serendipitous. and he was calm, and said he was "fine" and that he "loved (me) and trusted me in this moment." and asked me to go get tea, and we did and talked and talked.
WHY oh why can't he stay that way? (at least consistent and communicative and open)
we did talk about the threat of the restraining order and he said he didn't know how else to get space from everyone at that time, and all the things i thought... . i did express that it hurt me and scared me. and that i don't want to interact on that level... . that i don't want us to see the other as the enemy. we talked about glass half full/empty stuff and perception.
i did say there is nothing i can do about his fear/perception.
i asked him, so that i could be very clear, what he wanted me to do, what he needed/wanted and he said he didn't know, and the he knew he felt the love and care for me and thinks i'm beautiful and fabulous but knows "it" will happen again, and he doesn't know how to deal with "it." (the deregulation)
he did say several times, that he knows it is him and not me or us... . that he "would be and is insane with or without me being around"
(PROGRESS!)
he cried a little and talked about how he hated his life. i felt so much compassion for him. he is trying SO hard to "get his life together."
he also misinterpreted a text from me, and distorted it quite a bit. i was talking about an animal in reality and the text was clear and was straight forward and he took it to mean that i thought he was the wounded animal i had come across that day... . wow. led to lots of weirdness in his head, and he had a hard time believing me that i wasn't referring to him. it took him a while to get that he had completely made up a story out of fear and paranoia. but i think he got it.
i love him and was so grateful to be able to tell him how i felt.
he texted me a half an hour later that it was good to see me.
