recycled, but aware; thoughts on codependency?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello all,

Its been a while since I've written on the board. In truth, I had to get away for a while because it was triggering some negative emotions, specifically anger on behalf of all the none.

To bring everyone up-to-date, I was NC with my exBPDgf for about 4.5 month. She had left me back in September for another man, and we had reconnected once (very toxic interaction) in November.

In mid March, I saw her at a restaurant. I was on a group date, and she was with a friend. We said hello, and I offered to buy them both a drink. Very amicable. The interaction was about 20 seconds in duration. I was certainly affected by her, but not like before. I enjoyed my date that evening, and went on with my life.

Two days later she calls me. I do not recognize the number, so I pick up. We talk, and the conversation is very predictable. Her relationship was not going so well for several months so they had broken it off, I still am the love of her life, she misses me terribly, it was so hard to see me, etc, etc. She explains that she is in therapy, and has been working very hard to 'address her demons.' I am supportive, but noncommittal (truly); listen to her for about 30minutes, and then end the conversation.

NC for 2.5 weeks.

Calls and invites me to dinner... .   at her place.

Dinner, conversation, sex.

None of it like it was before.

Tell her I can't do this.

She tells me she can't either.

Calls one week later to discuss what happened. Blames me... .   says I have weak boundaries (true). Said she's been working with her therapist on her 'codependency' - that she is addicted to me, that i am her heroine (her exact words). I suggest that this conveniently absolves her of all responsibility for the terrible and hurtful things she did to me. Answers that i need to take responsibility for my actions, be a man. She's very calm about it.

I get really, really angry... .   get off phone; haven't communicated since.

So could someone explain the codependency thing?

She grew up in an abusive home with an alcoholic father, so perhaps she did have to suffer for his actions as a child. She left in 7th grade, and honest to goodness, since that time she has been a bull in a china shop in each of her personal relationships (serial cheating, lying, emotional abuse). She explains that's because she is drawn to 'a certain kind of man.'

On the one hand, she did seem more calm, more settled. I know that the man she is seeing now (turns out they hadn't broken up) was a recovering alcoholic and introduced her to Coda meetings, etc.  So perhaps this approach is working to settle her internal conflict. But on the other hand, I fell like this is a terrible injustice to her, and her partner, because it doesn't address her very active role in all the fractured relationships.

Thoughts? Questions?

[johnnyonthespot]

Hello all,

Its been a while since I've written on the board. In truth, I had to get away for a while because it was triggering some negative emotions, specifically anger on behalf of all the none.

To bring everyone up-to-date, I was NC with my exBPDgf for about 4.5 month. She had left me back in September for another man, and we had reconnected once (very toxic interaction) in November.

In mid March, I saw her at a restaurant. I was on a group date, and she was with a friend. We said hello, and I offered to buy them both a drink. Very amicable. The interaction was about 20 seconds in duration. I was certainly affected by her, but not like before. I enjoyed my date that evening, and went on with my life.

Two days later she calls me. I do not recognize the number, so I pick up. We talk, and the conversation is very predictable. Her relationship was not going so well for several months so they had broken it off, I still am the love of her life, she misses me terribly, it was so hard to see me, etc, etc. She explains that she is in therapy, and has been working very hard to 'address her demons.' I am supportive, but noncommittal (truly); listen to her for about 30minutes, and then end the conversation.

NC for 2.5 weeks.

Calls and invites me to dinner... .   at her place.

Dinner, conversation, sex.

None of it like it was before.

Tell her I can't do this.

She tells me she can't either.

Calls one week later to discuss what happened. Blames me... .   says I have weak boundaries (true). Said she's been working with her therapist on her 'codependency' - that she is addicted to me, that i am her heroine (her exact words). I suggest that this conveniently absolves her of all responsibility for the terrible and hurtful things she did to me. Answers that i need to take responsibility for my actions, be a man. She's very calm about it.

I get really, really angry... .   get off phone; haven't communicated since.

So could someone explain the codependency thing?

She grew up in an abusive home with an alcoholic father, so perhaps she did have to suffer for his actions as a child. She left in 7th grade, and honest to goodness, since that time she has been a bull in a china shop in each of her personal relationships (serial cheating, lying, emotional abuse). She explains that's because she is drawn to 'a certain kind of man.'

On the one hand, she did seem more calm, more settled. I know that the man she is seeing now (turns out they hadn't broken up) was a recovering alcoholic and introduced her to Coda meetings, etc.  So perhaps this approach is working to settle her internal conflict. But on the other hand, I fell like this is a terrible injustice to her, and her partner, because it doesn't address her very active role in all the fractured relationships.

Thoughts? Questions?

[hithere]

Thoughts? Questions?

Why do you care if she is codependent?  Do you think you might want her back?

She seems to be lying and cheating still, I doubt she has changed.  My exBPD was also able to talk calmly afterwards on occasion, she was being medicated.

My thoughts are, stay away, stay NC, move on with your life to a healthy relationship and don't waste any more time on this person, I don't think there is an upside.

[Vindi]

i pasted a link that is very helpful below explaining codependency, and this doesn't sound healthy, being in contact, she may have changed recently, but she is still with another man... .   maybe focus more on yourself, and healing, and moving forward... .  



Imagine, if you will, a condition that affects every part of your being, particularly affecting you mentally and emotionally. Imagine, you are being controlled by someone you love very much, who may be addicted to drugs or alcohol or may be suffering through another type of illness. Imagine you are depressed because you feel trapped, yet you feel obligated to be there and endure more than you should because you feel that person needs you in order to survive. Imagine you are one half of a codependent relationship that feels like an endless cycle, and the more you run, you're not going anywhere, you're just growing tired of it all.

This is codependency. Codependency as defined by the Merriam-Webster online dictionary is a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition such as an addiction.

[sunrising]

johnnyonthespot,

I've been where you are.  When I moved from being angry with my ex and started feeling sympathy towards her instead, I broke NC after 2 months and allowed myself to be involved in a recycle attempt.  It helped me to go back and read this Ten Beliefs That Can Get You Stuck - Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder, paying specific attention to #10 (Belief they have seen the light).

I hope this helps you like it did me.

sunrising

[johnnyonthespot]

hithere,

You posed questions I've been considering for several days.

Do I want her back? No... .   but maybe?

I don't want the drama, for certain. I have been so productive for the past 4 months.

But I miss her still. And I definitely love her, am attracted to her, and have a special vulnerability for her.

The medication point is excellent... .   she does seem flat, and restrained. Seems like she's withholding a part of herself. Could be pharmacotherapy.

And I definitely still feel like I'm walking on eggshells, although she was collected and calm. I didn't speak openly.

And yep, she is lying and cheating per usual.

Vindl,

The codependency issue I'm simply curious about. I cannot imagine how she believes she was codependent. I was her puppy-dog in every sense of the word. She abused me daily, and has admitted as much. She stated 'You didn't get any of the good side of me... .   I'm sorry.' And while I am definitely a very profoundly flawed individual, I have never had a drug or alcohol problem. In fact, she was the one who became nasty after a couple of cocktails... .   reliably so.

So how am I the 'another who is affected by a pathological condition, such as an addiction?'

I'll be fine tonight without knowing the answers, but I just thought I'd fish for an answer here; in case someone else had experience with this.

Sunrising,

Re-read and noted! Thanks for the refresher course!

I do wish in my heart that she was better, though.