All time No-contact record tonight

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Well friends I think we are gonna finally shatter the all time NC record tonight at 9:50

EST. This record has reached 11 days twice before the first time with her sending a "hi" text on Jan 15 after silence from Jan 4-15. Then just a few weeks ago as it hit 11 again I broke the ice with a "hi hope you are doing okay" text of my own.  

If you are a betting person you can be fairly sure tonight will come and go and a new record will be in the books. I know for a fact that I will not be texting or calling her. And, I'm guessing by the ending of our last email exchange(" please do not contact me again" she said) she wont be breaking the ice anytime soon.

The short and sweet version of events is as follows: after 7 months of torture and back and forth contact and texts calls and 2 dinner meetings (nov3/jan25) I finally

decided I cant take it much more. As recently as two weeks ago we were exchanging funny happy texts and calls but it all came to a head two Friday nights ago when I made the under the influence mistake of driving by her house at 1215 am on my way home from a bar. Her car wasn't there and it was dark. She has no garage. The next day during our morning happy texts she says she's running late to her son's concert that morning. I said oh isn't he with you today? She says no her X has the kids this weekend. Ouch. I'm reeling with thoughts of where she was the night before but I stay quiet. That night (Sat) we talk on the phone she's home tired going to bed and definitely alone. We talk for 1/2 hour where she casually mentions she went for a wax at the spa that afternoon. YES that kind of wax. So, I'm a taken back and say oh you still getting those? We continue the happy happy chat where she laughs at my every utterance and drifts off to sleep.

The next day I wake up and I just cant take anymore. And then comes the fateful Sunday (11 days ago) email exchange where I say this is BS don't want to hear about your waxing especially if potentially for someone else( you also said too painful and expensive but you got them "for me" and this in F in BS and I'm hurt and pissed so maybe of there's another man in your life just tell me and ill move on, F in hurts too bad to know it if it was the case. She had of course just told me weeks ago she would be "gutted" if she knew I was dating someone.

So, she responds last Sunday night at 9:50 11 days ago with--- my F in vagina is none of your business ---didn't think I was hurting you----been trying for 7 months not to hurt you-----I wax for myself not for someone else----but I AM seeing someone and I dated someone last fall "is that what you wanted to hear" ----just move on ----I've been telling you for 7 months to move on (oh really ? that why you text me " I still love you and miss the living snot out of you huh? I d like to say to her) -------it must hurt to see me moving on----- leave me alone ----for good-----do not text me call me email me-----do not contact my kids ----leave me alone-----get the help you need( I need?)-----I should have sent this terrible callous email 7 months ago but I didn't and I feel like a F in btch for doing so now but I'm not one----so just leave me alone----she ended with "please do not contact me again" . Those are just the highlights I remember cant bear to read it again.

So, my kind friends and supporters it certainly appears that the all time mark will fall this evening, AND, I will take notice and be sad. She probably has no concept of the days NC and has once and for all erased me from her life... .   or has she?

Chuckstrong followers and newbies PLEASE I need to hear your comments, thoughts,

suggestions et al.

After that email exchange do you all think I've finally had enough of this unadulterated

pain and agony? Or is there more to come? Please advise.

THANK YOU!

Chuck(strong)

[chuckstrong]

Well friends I think we are gonna finally shatter the all time NC record tonight at 9:50

EST. This record has reached 11 days twice before the first time with her sending a "hi" text on Jan 15 after silence from Jan 4-15. Then just a few weeks ago as it hit 11 again I broke the ice with a "hi hope you are doing okay" text of my own.  

If you are a betting person you can be fairly sure tonight will come and go and a new record will be in the books. I know for a fact that I will not be texting or calling her. And, I'm guessing by the ending of our last email exchange(" please do not contact me again" she said) she wont be breaking the ice anytime soon.

The short and sweet version of events is as follows: after 7 months of torture and back and forth contact and texts calls and 2 dinner meetings (nov3/jan25) I finally

decided I cant take it much more. As recently as two weeks ago we were exchanging funny happy texts and calls but it all came to a head two Friday nights ago when I made the under the influence mistake of driving by her house at 1215 am on my way home from a bar. Her car wasn't there and it was dark. She has no garage. The next day during our morning happy texts she says she's running late to her son's concert that morning. I said oh isn't he with you today? She says no her X has the kids this weekend. Ouch. I'm reeling with thoughts of where she was the night before but I stay quiet. That night (Sat) we talk on the phone she's home tired going to bed and definitely alone. We talk for 1/2 hour where she casually mentions she went for a wax at the spa that afternoon. YES that kind of wax. So, I'm a taken back and say oh you still getting those? We continue the happy happy chat where she laughs at my every utterance and drifts off to sleep.

The next day I wake up and I just cant take anymore. And then comes the fateful Sunday (11 days ago) email exchange where I say this is BS don't want to hear about your waxing especially if potentially for someone else( you also said too painful and expensive but you got them "for me" and this in F in BS and I'm hurt and pissed so maybe of there's another man in your life just tell me and ill move on, F in hurts too bad to know it if it was the case. She had of course just told me weeks ago she would be "gutted" if she knew I was dating someone.

So, she responds last Sunday night at 9:50 11 days ago with--- my F in vagina is none of your business ---didn't think I was hurting you----been trying for 7 months not to hurt you-----I wax for myself not for someone else----but I AM seeing someone and I dated someone last fall "is that what you wanted to hear" ----just move on ----I've been telling you for 7 months to move on (oh really ? that why you text me " I still love you and miss the living snot out of you huh? I d like to say to her) -------it must hurt to see me moving on----- leave me alone ----for good-----do not text me call me email me-----do not contact my kids ----leave me alone-----get the help you need( I need?)-----I should have sent this terrible callous email 7 months ago but I didn't and I feel like a F in btch for doing so now but I'm not one----so just leave me alone----she ended with "please do not contact me again" . Those are just the highlights I remember cant bear to read it again.

So, my kind friends and supporters it certainly appears that the all time mark will fall this evening, AND, I will take notice and be sad. She probably has no concept of the days NC and has once and for all erased me from her life... .   or has she?

Chuckstrong followers and newbies PLEASE I need to hear your comments, thoughts,

suggestions et al.

After that email exchange do you all think I've finally had enough of this unadulterated

pain and agony? Or is there more to come? Please advise.

THANK YOU!

Chuck(strong)

[mitchell16]

Wow, I know how you must feel. I havent heard a sound from mine in 3 weeks. She left some very nasty texts and vm and then tetxed next day she was drunk and loney and said she was sorry for what she said. I didnt respond. A few days after thatshe sent an email saying she was sorry. I didnt respond. Thisweek she appeared at my favorite restuarant that I eat everyday. made a big production so I would see her. Still nc and I havent heard a word out of her. Who knows if you will here from her again. If I was a betting man I would say you will at some point. But what I look at is Why would you. Thats what i keep remiding myself wheneever I start taht kind of thinking. Today was a bad day for me. I leave for vaction and she should be with me on this trip but shes not and it does make me sad. But even if she was. what would happen? We would have a great time. We would be in love. I would be happy with her once more and would start to beleive it could really work. I would spend a bunch of my money and just as soon as it was over. Bam, she would pull her same mess, start up with the pushing away again. So i keep reminding myself all of this. and it does help.

[lockedout]

11 days isn't that long but it's good that you're distancing yourself from her. Not bad, but keep the count rising. Is she one of your friends on Face Book? Is so, change it. Mine un-friended me before I even left; have no idea when. People have mentioned some of her pictures on there - all the fun she was having on her "alone" time. I really don't want to know. I've been 3 1/2 months NC; the only contact is whatever concerns our son. She suggested the "three of us" have dinner last week; I respectfully declined telling her I'm not yet ready for that. She wants to take our son to Disney World for his birthday and thought it would be a great idea for us both to be there for his first time there. I told her to go have a good time and I'll take him another time. There's nothing in my separated life that I have the least bit of desire to share with her. After some idiot pulled his Mustang into my garage right in front of me right after she changed the locks, I could care less what's going on in her life. Besides, I've been dating and I don't want to send mixed signals to anyone I date; regardless of the future of those relationships. "I'm enjoying your company, but I won't be available next weekend because I'm going to Disney World with the fam, but nothing's happening that you need to worry about" isn't a very credible statement.  I've seen her on the same dating site I'm on (I don't post my pic) and I'm actually hoping she'll meet someone to take her attention off me and make the divorce go smoother.

The only advice I can give you is to take her advice and move on. It's not easy but it gets better. And yes, mine spent the better part of the last year trying to get me to move on. So I did. She'll still tell me how she's not doing well, but I've assumed all the responsibility I could for her happiness or unhappiness: it's been used up. Yes, I feel sad when I hear of the mother of my son not doing well but I know there's nothing I can do; I gave her what she wanted. And I'm moving on quite well with both good days and bad days, but even my worst of days are better than my better days were before, especially near the end. My self esteem is returning, I'm kicking habits I picked up while self-medicating from the loneliness and neglect and replacing them with better ones. I'm becoming more outgoing and confident. My relationship with my son has been improving. And if we're going to talk about the dating thing (which you will do when ready), I've been out on a few; I have plans with a marathon runner tomorrow night and a good looking redhead Saturday night. It's safe to say that as you date for a while you'll come across good and bad, BPD and co-dependent, sweethearts and b***es, hotties and fatties, and yes some of them wax too. You'll learn to establish boundaries and won't as afraid to as you were before; there's nothing that can happen now that hasn't already.

To answer your question, whether you've had enough of the pain and agony is up to you. Resolve to stay NC. If she starts crossing into your boundaries, be nice, but don't open them up to her. Being "mean" or forgetting boundaries will expose you to more hurt and encourage her to act in hurtful ways.

[GreenMango]

The dance of sexual innuendos with hidden emotional meanings and contradictions.  Sounds like real fun   

If you are dealing with someone who's trying to gauge your emotional attachment by mentioning waxing their crotch then gets upset when you take bait and you are increasingly finding yourself wondering about the truth and trust - then it's time to seriously evaluate if this person is truly capable of having the kind of relationship you need. And beat the facts into your head like a broken record - staying away from the what ifs, unfounded hopes, and unrealistic expectations.

So, my kind friends and supporters it certainly appears that the all time mark will fall this evening, AND, I will take notice and be sad. She probably has no concept of the days NC and has once and for all erased me from her life... .   or has she?

Chuck I've been reading your posts - sounds like you are expecting a come back here.  No contact isn't the holy grail.  It's great for getting your feet underneath you and getting your head together if you are too vulnerable etc.  It's all about the detachment my friend.  Don't hinge your healing solely on the no-contact thing.  Do both - In healthy measure for your own sanity.

So where to from here?

[chuckstrong]

Thank you everyone!. Green Mango---what next ? Wish i knew. Healing and

detachment I hope. Day 12--- one day at a time.

Chuckstrong

[lockedout]

What you have is a big empty gap. The end of a relationship with a "healthy person" leaves a large abyss where the companionship, compatibility, closeness, affection, sex, love, sense of belonging, positive stimulation, etc once were. You didn't have any of those things past the idealization phase of the relationship; you simply lied to yourself and did a pretty good job of convincing yourself that they were there or just below the surface and return once you showed her you were a "good" partner. The projecting, blaming, emasculating, gaslighting, manipulating, etc leave the same sense of emptiness after they're gone: you went from dismissing them as "normal" dysfunctions of a "healthy" relationship, to denying they existed, to depending on them: they took up such a large footprint of your life that you cam to know nothing different. how would you get through your day without someone on your ass 24/7 telling you all of the thing you were or weren't doing that made their life unbearable?

All you can do is find healthy things to replace these things with. Maintaining no contact is good for a short time, but it's like standing on the edge of the cliff being happy that you don't fall over. Eventually the edge your standing on will erode and you will likely fall. You need to create distance between you and the edge of that cliff. You do it by putting space between you and the edge. You do that by surrounding yourself with healthier people, healthier activities, doing things that are only for you even if you think it's "selfish". I started by taking up running; I've been doing 5k racers and have a 10k next Saturday. It does a lot to fill the void that was left at the end of the relationship. In the beginning, I would look in the community events calendar for activities to keep me from sitting home wallowing in my sorrows at night. I ended up joining a meditation group and a Bible-based support group. I've gotten in touch with old friends and made new ones over time. It's a slow, day-by-day process and it's just that: day-by-day. You can't take a day off from the healing; that's when you can relapse. Some days will be better than others. You learn to accept the bad days and learn why they are bad. Go with the flow on the good days. Over time the "bad" ones will be less intense and fewer and far between. Over time you won't be counting the days of no contact; you'll simply lose track.

[chuckstrong]

Locked out thanks for that post. As an

update to my situation we had a development

yesterday and NC was broken in a very odd way.

After I left work yesterday morning ( I work in the

town next to where she lives) I was headed toward

the beach to get some peace and hang out alone

for a while. While there I was meditating, reflecting

and of course thinking about my BPD xgf and how sad

I was we were at 12 plus days NC and how I hated

the email exchange that was our last contact. The

final words in her email saying " please do not contact

me again" . Those words still ringing in my ears for most

of the 12 days. So as I'm leaving the beach I'm having a

conversation in my head with God where I basically ask

to hear from her in some way so I can maybe have things

end on better terms and get somebod that so elusive

closure that many of us here seek.

So, I got in my car ( keep in mind the beach is in the

town she lives in) and while heading to the main road

I spot the post office where I get out and mail 4 letters

I suddenly remembered were in my briefcase. I get back

in my car and go to pull out and guess who drives right

toward and then past my car linking right at me in the

process? OMG! I am sitting there in total disbelief and

relative shock. This happened approximately 4 minutes after

my " request" and 12.5 days after any contact at all from her.

10 minutes pass and low and behold I get the following text

" I can see no good reason why you would be driving around

******** (town she lives in) right now. Or ever."

So, I debate long and hard next 5 hours what to do?

Respond? Ignore? Something else? I decide after consulting

my close and trusted friends ( thank you!) to send the

following response : " I had no expectation of seeing you

today and my business in ******** had nothing to do

with you. You requested no contact and I have honored that

and will continue to do so. Please accord me the same respect.

I don't want to end on a hostile note-- I wish you the best."

22 minutes later she responds " Oh Really ? You don't want

to end on a hostile note? Coulda fooled me"

A couple things I'd like to point out then I would love to hear

everyone's take on this exchange. First of all she bragged to me

two weeks ago how she was right down the street from me where

I was playing tennis eating burgers at five guys ( in the town I live

in) but that's ok I guess. Also, not sure when I was hostile at all I

was sad and hurt in my last email to her about her waxing comment

and possible other person. She lashed out at me and told me in no

uncertain terms move on we are done I'm seeing somebody leave me

alone please don't contact me again et al. Now THAT's hostile.

What the heck I say. I am so glad I saw her and got to hopefully regain some

dignity here and get some " power" back. Her response seemed odd to

me but then again this whole thing has been crazy. Of course, I did not

respond to her last text.

So, what now? Start the NC clock again I guess

and try desperately not to obsess over this and her.

Have some fun and healthy interactions with others

and just move ahead probably the best idea.

Thoughts ? Comments? Suggestions?

Thank you everyone here at BPD family. You ARE the best.

Chuck ( strong?)

[lockedout]

You handled it with pretty good dignity. You held your ground without engaging. You established to her that what you were doing there had nothing to do with her, asked her to respect your wishes, and wished her the best. You didn't engage when she tried to incite an argument ("coulda fooled me... .   ). All of this gives you the upper hand. They only hold power over you when they can get you to engage in their cognitive distortions.

You can keep the NC clock going - you weren't the one who broke it and you only did so to establish your boundaries. Keep looking for distractions; detachment is a slow but rewarding process.

A couple things I'd like to point out then I would love to hear

everyone's take on this exchange. First of all she bragged to me

two weeks ago how she was right down the street from me where

I was playing tennis eating burgers at five guys (in the town I live

in) but that's ok I guess. Also, not sure when I was hostile at all I

was sad and hurt in my last email to her about her waxing comment

and possible other person. She lashed out at me and told me in no

uncertain terms move on we are done I'm seeing somebody leave me

alone please don't contact me again et al. Now THAT's hostile.

She did you a favor by asking you to leave her alone. it could be worse. She could be making all kinds of threats; ie suicide, terrorizing your life by going to all your friends to tell them how awful you are, etc.

[chuckstrong]

Thanks lockedout... .   I am feeling much better after seeing her and the way the

communication went yesterday. I definitely feel ALOT better than I did the past two weeks. I am just looking for some semblance of closure and some recognition of the validity and importance of the relationship. She said in her last email " it was an eleven month dating relationship and it didn't work out." Well, for me it was MUCH

MUCH more and while I understand he honeymoon/idealization stages are not coming back all I want is some acknowledgement of the love that I felt we shared. I know she

probably wont ever give me that. But I know what happened. So, I have taken the high road the entire way and feel I did that with my text yesterday while at the same time strongly establishing where I currently stand. I think that maybe I did at least for the moment get the "upper hand" as you said and minimally at least I feel that I regained some of my "power" back. I was quite strong and independent when I met her. Time to get some of that Chuckstrong mojo back!

Chuck

 

[chuckstrong]

Chuckstrong update

All quiet since the brief encounter on Saturday and subsequent text exchange. I figured

maybe that rattled her cage but quiet ever since. Trying hard to maintain NC as I know

from past experience its the only hope I have of finally grieving this and putting it behind me. Still would love some validation as to the importance of the relationship but I got that a lot in the early stages of the break up but not so much lately. So I guess I have no choice but to "move on" as she has suggested. As most (if not all) of you here know it's just SO damn hard.

Chuck

[Validation78]

Hi Chuck and All!

NC is hard friends, however, it does get easier in time. You have to decide if this is a person who adds something to your life. If she is causing you pain and agony still, by talking about private matters, and you are left feeling bad, what's the point of maintaining any contact at all? There may come a time when you can talk to her, without the old feelings being stirred up, that doesn't seem to be happening now. She seems to be getting some pleasure out of this talk, and it's all at your expense. It's up to you to maintain distance. Ignore her. Protect yourself and your wellbeing. If that means NC, then NC. No texts, no phone, no email, no drive by. Busy yourself with the things that bring joy and pleasure to your life, and push thoughts of her aside. It it a discipline, and a healthy one, that you must practice in order to heal.

Best Wishes,

Val78

[Billa]

What you have is a big empty gap. The end of a relationship with a "healthy person" leaves a large abyss where the companionship, compatibility, closeness, affection, sex, love, sense of belonging, positive stimulation, etc once were. You didn't have any of those things past the idealization phase of the relationship; you simply lied to yourself and did a pretty good job of convincing yourself that they were there or just below the surface and return once you showed her you were a "good" partner. The projecting, blaming, emasculating, gaslighting, manipulating, etc leave the same sense of emptiness after they're gone: you went from dismissing them as "normal" dysfunctions of a "healthy" relationship, to denying they existed, to depending on them: they took up such a large footprint of your life that you cam to know nothing different. how would you get through your day without someone on your ass 24/7 telling you all of the thing you were or weren't doing that made their life unbeareable?

you hit the point

[benny2]

Just know that what you have gone through is what you would have with her and it is what the next person is going to deal with. A disorder controls their life. Any of the good was fake. I too have to realize that I will never have the kind of relationship with him I deserve and want. They lie, they cheat, they step on anyone who is willing to stand in front of them. I for one have decided to no longer be that person. Its hard, it hurts, but the pain they put us through is much worse.

[Hurt llama]

The dance of sexual innuendos with hidden emotional meanings and contradictions.  Sounds like real fun    

Chuck I've been reading your posts - sounds like you are expecting a come back here.  No contact isn't the holy grail.  

I had that familiar sick feeling at the pit of my stomach reading about her sharing the waxing with you and then telling you she is seeing someone. My ex might not say it exactly that way but the gist of it was enough to make me feel momentarily ill in the similarity.

I know how confusing and confused all of this can make us. I never felt my feet solidly on the ground with my ex for any length of time over 6 years of knowing her!

I said to my ex within the first few weeks, that I was 'addicted' to her... . I didn't mean it as a negative and didn't really think much about why I said it. But her eyes lit up and boy, she took that in and without me knowing it it knocked me down in her impossible to please 'checklist' that every and any man will be 'up against'.

She referred to herself (proudly with a sly smile) as "The Impossible Girlfriend" and I should have taken her at her word.

I've posted in other threads that I felt like I was living in Crazy Land, on a roller coaster ride that made me sick. And whenever it stopped I wanted to go back on again.

Just so much fun until you just can't heave any longer and are just tired of the ride.

Stay Strong, Mr. Strong!

[chuckstrong]

Hi all ----update as follows:

I'm trying to stay Chuckstrong after last weekend sighting, text exchange

and now subsequent 8 days NC again. I suppose I could of taken the bait

and somehow responded to her " oh really? you don't want to end on a hostile

note? coulda fooled me " final text last Saturday but to what end? She made

it quite clear I need to move on she's dating someone and it's 100% over so

maybe I should just heed her suggestion? Problem is like many of us here I am

having so much trouble coming to grips with her disorder and I continue to seek

some form of closure or some sort of answer from her as to why if I " loved her better

than anyone else has ever loved her" and " treated her like a princess " as she told

me many times she had to push me away for no good reason. The reason being I know

now from learning here is that she has major abandonment fears and based on the

aforementioned closeness she HAD to leave to avoid potentially facing that hurt.

So, instead she strikes up the band ( apparantly with someone new) and

starts the process all over again. It's so so sick. And, still after 8 months I

sit here still shellshocked having to will my self day to day hour to hour to

maintain NC and detatch once and for all from this toxic addiction I still have

to her. Its SO hard. You guys all know how hard. That's why I write here and

continually seek everyone's advice.

Can this be done ? Will I be stuck in the seemingly never

ending abyss forever ? It seems like I know what has happened

and I know what I need to do but it's just SO hard to execute.

Just 7 hours ago at 2 am I came so close to texting her? Why?

Then just now I woke up to a dream of her sleeping  and me kissing

her gently on the forehead to wake her up.

I need to get her out of my head once and for all but it's hard

and seeing he last Saturday as I pulled out of the post office

( and the subsequent text exchange)certainly didnt help. But

I feel I took some power back by my text response to her and I

need to work hard to keep it. The true test will be on Tuesday

May 7 her birthday if I can help myself then. Can I do this?

Am I Chuckstrong?

Thoughts comments suggestions ?

Chuck

[lockedout]

There are three things you need to do:

1. Find distractions.

2. If you can't find them, crate them. 

3. When you do find or create them, try to make them as far from your ordinary path as possible.

When I left my house in January under rather volatile conditions. This was my DONE moment. Depression had already been really bad and I'd already had what I think was a total nervous breakdown. The last time I saw the house that I love so much and imagined a long future in was when I tried to egg some guy into a fight after he, in a rather cavalier manner, drove his car right into my garage while I was consoling my 2 year old son because he couldn't understand why I couldn't let him in the house. My depression in which I was just about to give up in life turned into an ongoing feeling of rage. I'm doing MUCH better now/ How did I do that? I forced myself to get better.

- > I'd alienated friends over the years and felt guilty about losing contact. Having friends was a no-no, at least in the passive-aggressive sense. I've come closer to some of them now than I was before getting married. I felt awkward at first calling them, and almost didn't but it has helped me tremendously.

- > On nights I wasn't working and I didn't have my son. ie free to sit home all night feeling sorry for myself while binging on pornography and drinking myself into a stupor, I went online and found something to do. I joined a meditation group and a Bible based support group. I didn't bring alcohol to where I'm staying and I've STOPPED indulging in any porn.

- > I'd started running in December, wanting to exercise while trying to fool myself that things would get better. I got up to a very difficult 2 miles before taking a break for the holidays and my total mental meltdown. Yesterday I competed in my first 10k. The best sex my ex could possibly give me doesn't even come close to the adrenaline rush of hammering out 6.25 miles and being cheered on as I sprinted to the finish line. Followed by more cheering on when I placed 2nd in my age group and after it was mentioned that this was my first 10k when I went up to get my award. If you had told in January that all this would be going on just a few months later I would have told you it was              impossible. But even when I was depressed and tired from my lousy sleep patterns, I forced myself to get out and run.I bumped it up 1/2 mile each week until I got where I'm at. I ran in a couple of 5ks (two more scheduled in May). When I saw I could fit a 10k in for only a $10 entry fee, I went in hoping to simply finish the race and ended up doing pretty good. I ran for a little while several years ago but gave up on it, essentially starting at 1/2 mile in December. So if there's something you've been wanting to do but think you can't, try it. You can. I'll also mention another thing: when I run I don't listen to music. I listen to two things: my breathing and my feet hitting the pavement. I think of nothing other than how to adjust them so I get the most out of my run.

My STBX still pushed my buttons (though she has been a bit nicer lately) but I've learned to simply type it into the journal I keep on her antics and snide remarks in case she doesn't want to play nice down the road. We have a son together, so total NC isn't an option. I don't harbor any anger or resentment any more (OK, very little, but I'm getting there). and I think there will come a day in which I'll be able to tell you that I wouldn't have had it any different. I'm coming out of this learning what I want my life to be and tuning out all the crap that isn't that important. I've dated a little and have met some nice women out there. If nothing happens, I accept it and don't look inward to try to find out what I did wrong. And there are a couple chicks out there that I left staring at their cell phone wondering why I stopped communicating with them.

Who do I give credit for getting to where I am? Me. Yes, there are some people out there that I've become very close to and have given me all the more reason not to look back: just by being in my life now. Writing on here and being a part of this forum has helped immensely. I'm starting to meet people through my running (went to lunch last week with a H.O.T. chick who runs in marathons). But nobody told me to go out and do those things or showed me the way. I kicked myself in my own ass and wither found my way or cut through the forest on my own to get there. It can be done.

[Hurt llama]

Hi all ----update as follows:

I'm trying to stay Chuckstrong after last weekend sighting, text exchange

and now subsequent 8 days NC again. I suppose I could of taken the bait

and somehow responded to her " oh really? you don't want to end on a hostile

note? coulda fooled me " final text last Saturday but to what end? She made

it quite clear I need to move on she's dating someone and it's 100% over so

maybe I should just heed her suggestion? Problem is like many of us here I am

having so much trouble coming to grips with her disorder and I continue to seek

some form of closure or some sort of answer from her as to why if I " loved her better

than anyone else has ever loved her" and " treated her like a princess " as she told

me many times she had to push me away for no good reason. The reason being I know

now from learning here is that she has major abandonment fears and based on the

aforementioned closeness she HAD to leave to avoid potentially facing that hurt.

So, instead she strikes up the band ( apparantly with someone new) and

starts the process all over again. It's so so sick. And, still after 8 months I

sit here still shellshocked having to will my self day to day hour to hour to

maintain NC and detatch once and for all from this toxic addiction I still have

to her. Its SO hard. You guys all know how hard. That's why I write here and

continually seek everyone's advice.

Can this be done ? Will I be stuck in the seemingly never

ending abyss forever ? It seems like I know what has happened

and I know what I need to do but it's just SO hard to execute.

Just 7 hours ago at 2 am I came so close to texting her? Why?

Then just now I woke up to a dream of her sleeping  and me kissing

her gently on the forehead to wake her up.

I need to get her out of my head once and for all but it's hard

and seeing he last Saturday as I pulled out of the post office

( and the subsequent text exchange)certainly didnt help. But

I feel I took some power back by my text response to her and I

need to work hard to keep it. The true test will be on Tuesday

May 7 her birthday if I can help myself then. Can I do this?

Am I Chuckstrong?

I re-read your original post and again got sick to my stomach as I did reading it the first time. It's exactly the same conversations and interactions with my ex at various points in the relationship with the sexual innuendo and then dropping the bomb that she's with someone else.

There's little more crazy making.

I ended mine over 3 years ago and we continued to do the push pull constant contact... . she invited me to visit (3 hour flight) on my birthday a couple of years ago and called and left a voicemail canceling it. . I can laugh now.

I stayed in this friend text happy place as you described for almost 3 years and during that time I was dating and she finally had a long relationship in which she would see me when she conveniently broke up with her ancient bf and then go back... .  He as me 5 years go... . ... .  so bad.

I've gone 15 days since I told her once again, it can't work out and for the first time in 6 years, I've gone NC for 8 days and LC for 15.

I've suffered plenty during all of this and I am breaking free and I know I will be fine... .  I do allow myself the benefit of a slip... . but I hope to avoid it... . Even if I do slip, I will not fail and I got the wake up call and am tired of living half a life obsessed wtih a dead end road and ride in Crazy Land.

All I can offer is yes, you can break away... . I know it... . but just like other addictions it will happen when you get sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Learning the special dynamics of BPD partners has helped tremendously.

This process is not entirely about 'will' or setting records of NC... . In fact that alone is not nearly enough or not enough for me. That sort of thing only made me feel worse... . I think once you start identifying the dynamics and read story after story that's the same you will start to be able to pull away... . meanwhile your record beats mine so what do I know? : >