Silent treatment (again)

[Louise7777]

Hey there!

Im aware there are other posts about silent treatment, but they are "old" and full. So I decided to open a new one, hoping you can help me (and others, Im assuming).

How do you deal with silent treatment? Im receiving it from a non-BPD, but any response will be appreciated, since the results for us are the same.

I have been subjected to it through the years, did what everybody does: apologized (didnt know what for), wrote emails, phoned, etc. Until I found out it was abuse. So I clearly explained him my position and what it was and told him never to use it again otherwise no more contact would be necessary. It worked well for a year and now I got it again... .  

So, Im NC (including emails) but still, I feel Im playing the game, cause the moment he decides its over, he will phone again as if nothing has happened... .  

I read a lot about Passive Aggressive behaviour and silent treatment, and still, Im being punished. Any advice? Should I vanish myself? Is that the only way? Cause I really dont see other... .   Thanks a lot. 

[Clearmind]

Its hard because there is no communication and right now there is little you can do cristina accept to believe that is has very little to do with you.

Do you blame yourself? Feel guilty for something you did/didn't do?

[Louise7777]

Thank you, Clearmind!

No, I dont blame myself at all. I did, but not anymore. I made my feelings clear to him and I understand this is a kind of punishment. He knwos his PA behaviour makes me frustrated (his own words).

I accept there´s no way to change anybody´s behaviour unless I change mine. So I keep contact to a minimum (or I go NC) but the problem is, even by changing my behaviour, his doesnt change.

So I wonder what can I do when he contacts me again: dont pick up the phone, talk to him as nothing happened or what... .   Im detaching myself but Im not sure its making much of a difference... .  

[Clearmind]

cristina, talking to him would be fine. Start off with "It's important to me... .   "

Might also be time to think about what you want long term. We get to know enough about BPD that we can depersonalise it - its not easy however!

[motherof1yearold]

I've been going through this a long time and still get it even after our divorce. If you are together, I would certainly tell him (when he allows you to :P) that you won't accept that behavior in the future. If you are not together, I would act as if NOTHING happened and go with a complete cut off. You see , wether you are together or not, this is a power play! It is power and control (main staples in abusive R/S's)

I personally believe BPD's do this for punishment, control, power (and a way to gauge how much power they have over you), or even sadistic pleasure. My ex did it for all those reasons I listed. This IS a tough one though! It makes you feel so badly to receive the silent treatment and then you are in a fog once they "snap back" to reality and stop shunning you. It's grueling!

Since you are undecided I would firmly state how immature and unacceptable this is to your partner.

And here are some quotes that I find helpful in regards to Silent treatment :

"Is there a pattern in a person’s behavior that relates to his/her tendency to use the silent treatment, instead of direct confrontation, direct engagement?

In general, most silent treatment is an indication of poor communication, distress tolerance, and emotion regulation skills.

Some silent treatment indicates an emotional paralysis or an inability to articulate one’s feelings during relationship conflict. These people are sometimes popularly referred to as “emotionally shut-down.”

Silent treatment intended to inflict emotional punishment is present in a variety of people including people with anger management issues, “You made me angry so now I will punish you.”

People with narcissistic tendencies (e.g., “I will punish you if you reject me, have any complaints about me, or suggest that I am lacking in any way.”), and people with antisocial tendencies (e.g., “If you cross me or disrespect me you will pay for it and I don’t care how it makes you feel.”) also use silent treatment.

Silent treatment that involves a need for validation through emotional game-playing is often present in people with low self-esteem, people with Borderline Personality Disorder, and people with dependent personality tendencies (e.g., “I need you to prove to me that you love me or reassure me that I am worthy or valuable in order for me to feel okay about myself.”)."

[Louise7777]

Thank you so much for the responses. 

Clearmind, I talked to him abt how I felt and said I wouldnt accept that anymore. Also, I stated that if he did that again, he didnt have to call me back EVER again. (I dont think hes BPD, I believe hes PA). That worked for a year and I thought problem solved, but we are back at the same once more. I agree talking and putting the cards on the table would be the logical/ reasonable thing to do and I did, but I feel Im back to square 1. I was very assertive, I dont know what else I can do except for detaching.

MotherOf1YearOld, what you said also made a lot of sense to me. You put many alternatives and I really dont know which one applies to my case, I guess all of them! Yes, hes emotionally unavailable (he does the Silent treat. to others too, its not personally directed to me only but still doesnt help me at all realizing that). I agree its a struggle for power, has narcissistic stuff going on, punishment, etc.

As I said before, I can only think of detaching myself from the situation. No more phone calls or emails from me (I have been doing this for a while). So next will be talking abt superficial things, and keep contact to a minimum. It may sound as a punishment from me (maybe it is) but Im tired of being desrespected. I may sound like a drama queen, but Im not happy. So hes pushing me away and Im done trying to make it work, cause its all about him... .   Am I over-reacting?

[Clearmind]

cristina, you set a boundary and told him you will not accept it. I guess you have a choice of sticking by your boundary or bending it (again).

[Louise7777]

Yes Clearmind, you are right. Its very easy indeed. But as you can see, I have a problem setting boundaries (and when I finally do, sticking to them!).

[Clearmind]

  it's hard I know. We fear the consequence of setting a boundary. I know I did. I was afraid that one last boundary would send him out the door for ever. Walking on eggshells is not fun!

Be kind to you

[Louise7777]

Thank you so much, ClearMind! 

Yes, its not easy and although hes no BPD, Im walking on eggshells indeed.

Im aware I have to focus on myself (and I am, at least more than before) but I like to analize and I keep thinking there must be some reward for his behaviour. What can u get from punishing somebody? Maybe its a sadistic thing... .   but towards so many people? Its a pattern he has long before he met me, Im not guilty at all, but I wonder what reward u get by disrespecting people?

Thank u so much for ur care, people dont get how hard Silent treatment is and they call me mean for not putting up with it.

[motherof1yearold]

I agree it *CAN* be a sadistic pleasure thing. My ex  is very sadistic and gets great pleasure out of the silent treatment . You could attempt to dis arm him and explain the immaturity behind it and threaten to leave, or detach yourself completely and act like nothing happened but don't jump at him as soon as he decides punishment is over. Just keep yourself busy during the actual silent treatment time and do not jump at him when he deems you worthy... . that gives him too much power. Domestic violence is all about power and control- DV is emotional , physical and or sexual.

[Louise7777]

Thank you, MotherOf1YearOld!

Yes, I have told him before how ridiculous/ childish/ immature his behaviour is. But as seems to be a pattern established very long ago, I guess it wont change a thing. I can only think it gives him some reward... .   Or maybe its self-destructive but he cant help it.

I see him as having close to zero emotional intelligence... .   PA people, from what i have seen, are lonely because they push and pull people... .   But again, thats not my problem and its their choice. My problem is I have a pattern in choosing PA people... .    

[motherof1yearold]

Don't chase after him or give him any pleasure. Focus more on yourself and less on him. I know it so hard, it still happens with me and I'm divorced.

I hope your pwBPD comes around!

[Louise7777]

Oh I dont chase him at all, I dont contact him over the phone for more than a year now. And just now I decided no emails from me either. I didnt send emails anyway during the silent treatment periods, but now I simply dont send emails and dont respond to the ones I receive (silent treament going on or not).

About the "dont give him any pleasure": I dont know how to do that. Even me being quiet seems to please him, since he goes back on phoning like nothing has happened and then gives me the silent treatment again... .   Seems the mere act of punishing me makes him happy. Its so weird! 

[motherof1yearold]

Definitely sadistic! he feels in control at all times... . no matter what you do. No contact would be best at this point if you don't plan on continuing any relationship with him.

[Louise7777]

I may be in denial, but I cant figure him as sadistic. Id say his attitudes are mean and definetly a power play. Seems to me he has to be in control all times, true. And for him to win I have to loose. Its sad, actually, cause we both could win... .  

[motherof1yearold]

my ex is more sadistic psychopath than BPD and for him it is all about "winning" , especially in court.

I hope things get better between you two, or at worst you decide to cut him off and relax for a bit.

[Louise7777]

Thank you, MotherOf1YearOld. Ill let you know what happens.

BPD or no BPD its hard to deal with adults with a 3yo emotional intelligence... .  

[motherof1yearold]

Ahh so true!

[Louise7777]

Hey guys!

How are you doing? I didnt forget this thread, I didnt update it cause Im still being punished with the silent treatment. Two weeks and counting. 

Im doing my things anf focusing on me, although I cant deny that sometimes I still think on how immature this behaviour is... .  

Good luck to all of you out there. 

[benny2]

Hi Christina, I also am going through the silent treatment right now because I took a stand for myself and told him I am not playing his baby games anymore. Now just like I'm dirt he will not allow me to discuss my feelings or respond to me at all. I just don't get it. Sometimes I think it is punishment, sometimes I think he enjoys the game of seeing if I will beg him back, which I usually do, but not this time. 5 days for me, and I feel as if I am in a standoff. There is so much I would like to explain to him as to why I feel the way I do, but I am totally cut off as if my feelings mean nothing. I'm sure when he done dealing with his ex, he will be back only to pull me in again and push me away. NO MORE!

[Louise7777]

Hey Benny,

How are you doing? I hope you are feeling somehow better.

Yeah, its a baby game, I completelly agree on that! I think they enjoy the game and enjoy the punishment we suffer. Its a control/ manipulation game. Im in week 2, but the longest time was 3 months, so its just starting for me. 

You can google about it and you will find many useful links. The idea is to punish, make us confused until we apologize (we dont know what for)... .  Its like a parent punishing a child, in a cruel way, btw.

Online I found some tips on how to deal with it: tell him you dont like it and then you wont accept it and give an ultimatum. Problem is> they dont care abt our feelings... .  . And they know very well its hurtful. So, my solution after years of that is: I dont phone, I dont send emails and I dont answer emails received. The emails btw are not personal, are just a song or video thats supposed to make me respond. But Im quiet as a church mouse.  I guess Im giving him the silent treatment too!

My doubt is whether Ill pick up the phone when he finally calls... .  But I wont have to decide until maybe june. 

Wish u luck! Keep me posted! 

[MockingbirdHL]

Cristina - thanks for starting this thread.  My dBPDH uses it on me too.  We've been together 3+ years and married for one year and this is the first time it has happened since we have been married.  We've had some explosions during that time, but he didn't go completely silent.  This time he has - he basically ignored me for two days on vacation (he couldn't leave, so he just didn't talk or look at me or anything while we were stuck in a hotel room for two days), then silent at the airport, silent on the plane except for the very occasional "do you want anything?" etc. referring to bottled water etc.  I could barely stand to shake my head at him by the point.

As soon as we get home from the airport (silent in the car) he drops me off and says he has to be alone.  Takes his stuff for work and leaves after I try and talk to him etc.  He barely says anything except stuff like "I'm sorry, I have to be alone" and "I can;t do this anymore" and "I don't know what I want anymore" etc.  I'm thinking ... .  wait a minute, three days ago you seemed FINE!

So he left.  That was about 36 hours ago.  Nothing.  No calls.  No emails.  No texts.  "I'll talk to you later in the week" he said (he works out of town and would have left this morning until Friday).

Now, if the roles were reversed, I would want him to at least text me and say "I love you and I'm here when you;re ready to talk" or something like that.  Even now, after being through this MULTIPLE times, I don't know whether I should do that or not.  I want to.  But I also think he meant "I will contact you, do not try and contact me".   

So I am left at home trying to explain to my 10 year old where he is.  Checking ym phoen and emai like some kind of maniac.  nothing.

[Clearmind]

The best thing you can do is get on with your life. If his silent treatment is debilitating you and keeping you from making decisions, hanging out with the kids, family and friends - you are self blaming.

We have the power to stop the self blaming and live.

[Louise7777]

Hey Mockingbird! Sorry to take me long to thank you for your post! I guess I just didnt read it! 

I hope by now you are feeling better, whatever the outcome was. Im still receiving the ST, for over a month now. And you can stick a fork in me, cause Im done. 

[Mark2430]

I can relate to all of this, my BPDexgf has been gone almost 5 weeks now, and it was after I called her on the behaviors and told her I wasnt going to take the name calling, and accusations anymore and I told her I just wanted her to handle things differently and that I loved her but enough was enough. She responded by telling me that when we were together it was an amazing feeling but she didnt think she was ever in love with me... .  and take care and I responded with take care as well... .  I have since talked to a mutual friend and I dont know what to think... .  she has posted things about wanting a meaningful relationship only to change to not wanting to date anyone at all, to last week I guess she deleted everyone that hasnt contacted her on facebook in awhile saying they are pathetic people and there isnt a point in being freinds if they dont even contact her... .  then she hid her profile completely... .  our friend thinks its all tied to our breakup... .  and that she took it hard because she has known her for a long time and seen her go through alot of guys and never talk about anyone like she did me... .  but I dont know what to think... .  I just know I set my boundaries and I wont bend them... .