She took my life

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Sounds more dramatic than I mean it, but today I realised she really took my life. In two ways:

The first: during our r/s I could not have a life. She controlled everything. From what I could or couldn't do, the way we did things around the house, when to take a day off, the amount I ate. This one I found special: didn't I ate enough, she would be angry at me. It wasn't about her cooking, because she also became mad if I cooked. I still don't understand that part... .   But bottomline: she decided how our (and thus my) lives were going. Sure, I was there and I let it happen. So probably I took my own life.

The second: Things I wanted to do I always tried to make her part of it. Of course because doing things together is nicer, but in this relationship also because otherwise I couldn't have done them. One of the things we started together I had a lot of fun. She less, but she managed to follow. I had to quit because of our upcoming divorce. Simply because I didn't want to bump into her everytime. It was not just quiting an activity. It was quiting a way of life, because I had grown into this one and did a lot of things around this activity. Things my stbxw didn't want, but let me do.

Today I spoke to one of my former friends from this activity. He told me she was all into this activity. Doing a lot more than before and has taken over my tasks. She has taken my life!

Hard thing to realize. Feeling bad about it.   

[VeryFree]

Sounds more dramatic than I mean it, but today I realised she really took my life. In two ways:

The first: during our r/s I could not have a life. She controlled everything. From what I could or couldn't do, the way we did things around the house, when to take a day off, the amount I ate. This one I found special: didn't I ate enough, she would be angry at me. It wasn't about her cooking, because she also became mad if I cooked. I still don't understand that part... .   But bottomline: she decided how our (and thus my) lives were going. Sure, I was there and I let it happen. So probably I took my own life.

The second: Things I wanted to do I always tried to make her part of it. Of course because doing things together is nicer, but in this relationship also because otherwise I couldn't have done them. One of the things we started together I had a lot of fun. She less, but she managed to follow. I had to quit because of our upcoming divorce. Simply because I didn't want to bump into her everytime. It was not just quiting an activity. It was quiting a way of life, because I had grown into this one and did a lot of things around this activity. Things my stbxw didn't want, but let me do.

Today I spoke to one of my former friends from this activity. He told me she was all into this activity. Doing a lot more than before and has taken over my tasks. She has taken my life!

Hard thing to realize. Feeling bad about it.   

[momtara]

You will survive.  There are women who have been in this situation and it's even harder for them because their controlling husbands made it difficult for them to work, support themselves, have hobbies, etc.  You can start to get your life back.  Hang in there.

[VeryFree]

Hi Momtara,

Sure I will get my life back. No problem. Will take some time to start over again, certainly when knowing that she will leach me financially for the coming xx years. But: better off broke, free and healthy than rich, oppressed and ill.

[VeryFree]

What I was asking myself: is this copying somebody's life a sort of mirroring?

[VeryFree]

Last days had some more information from collegues from different activities that we both attended.

She seems to have told that persons, that I wasn't in those activities anymore, because I didn't like them. By the way, would she have said, didn't he do them last year really either. 

Interesting, belongs to the part of painting me black I think.

[Surnia]

This sucks, Vs!

What I cannot appraise is how much endurance she has doing this! I could imagine this is kind of a enmeshment from her. Doing things who are fun for you both brings her back to you... .  

Is there any way to proceed in your activities at another place or just keeping loose contact with the folks there, without bumping into her? Perhaps she will stop in some month and you are back on the track... .  

[VeryFree]

I do Surnia.

I talked to different collegues and explained that I didn't want to be together with her anymore, but wanted to stay active in this fields.

I chose not to tell them about the backgrounds of our stb-divorce and her BPD-issues. I don't have to paint her black, that's her territory. By telling others about me, she digs her own 'grave' I pressume.

Because of this lack of information they didn't understand ("you're both grown-ups, get over it", but will respect my wishes. For now I have a healthy distance to her and can do (part of) my thing. Knowing that she never has finished one thing in her life I think she will quit sooner or later and I'm back 100%.

That saying, it doesn't feel good, that even after this toxic r/s I still am dependent of her doing.

[Surnia]

Yep, a unhealthy rs stays often unhealthy even finished or divorced, it took me a while to accept this. Its like doing a long cleaning and repairing work after a bad, derailed party... .  

You are dealing really well with all this! Keep going! 

For now I have a healthy distance to her and can do (part of) my thing. Knowing that she never has finished one thing in her life I think she will quit sooner or later and I'm back 100%.

[momtara]

Hope you can find a way to re-enjoy all the things you loved.  I didn't mean to be so flip before.  I *do* sympathize.  It's tough. 

[VeryFree]

Hi momtara,

Thanks. About your previous post: no harm done. After ten years with a BPDw things must become quite heavy to get me in the curtains 

[VeryFree]

Today I learned she messed up one of my old tasks.

Can't say I'm happy about it or even a little bit positive.

Just feeling sorry for her (I know she has tried her best) and for me (I would have liked it to do) and even for us (together we could have done it, if our r/s was working).

[Lucky Jim]

Hi VeryScared,

better off broke, free and healthy than rich, oppressed and ill.

I thought you put that well.  I can relate, believe me.  Seriously, you are better off.  I lost myself in a BPD marriage, and suffered emotionally, physically and financially . . . .  Finally, after the divorce, I have my life back, though some of it is in pieces on the ground.  Yet it's a lot more authentic and peaceful for me.  I remain hopeful again, which is something I lost during my marriage.

What sort of activity did you share together?  Why are you feeling guilty that she screwed up some aspect of the activity that she took over in your absence?  I suggest you drop the guilt, which is unhealthy for all, in my view.  You are on a path for a better, more peaceful life, though I understand that it's hard to see the path at times.  Hang in there, LuckyJim

[mrclear]

Dear VeryScared,

She didn't take your life, she redirected it... .  I will, in some macabre way, will forever be grateful, that my ex-BPD put me in touch with my own issues. The experience with her has helped me to grow and to evolve. She is not responsible for that, I am. She was a catalyst, not a cause. I was meant to meet and be with her, so I could become the person I was meant to be... .

My Borderline is in my past now. She carries the sole responsibility for the life she has chosen to lead. I release myself of any responsibility, guilt and the experience of that. I am myself and I have my own road to travel... . I am still healing and processing and am content to do so... .

We relive our patterns, the ones we have experienced in childhood. We need a catalyst, or a crossroads to break these patterns and to live the life we were meant to live. Let go, forget about the Borderline and live the life that you deserve... . She doesn't control you... . You do... .

atb, mrclear

[VeryFree]

Hi Lucky Jim

It's not real guilt I'm feeling. Just pity I think. I think it's sad for her not managing the things she wants to do. I realise the things she tries to do, she's doing to show the world she's better than me, or she at least can do the same things as me (or she's just mirroring).

For me it's not satisfying to see she fails.

Probably it would be better if I didn't feel anything. I will be there one day.

Thanks!

[VeryFree]

Hi mrclear

I'm feeling the same way. Still having troubles to see a bright future, but realising that I'm better off now than I was when I was living with her. I now have my freedom and have learned a lot about myself. Without her I problably wouldn't have. For that I'm thankful, because I know -just like you- that these insights make me a more complete person.