Mother in Law Problems

[AZlady25]

Hi Everyone,

I am new to this site so I wanted to introduce myself and get other member's advice.

I am a newlywed (I've been married for 5 months) and I'm having a lot of problem with my mother in law already. My husband has been supportive so far and we recently met with a counselor who said it sounds like his mother has BPD. We plan to continue with therapy, but I thought I would get involved here too for advice.

I will try and briefly explain my situation- my mother in law has acted weird, dramatic, controlling and like an attention whore for a while now. But she took it to a whole other level at our wedding! She was kissing my husband's groomsmen on the mouth, grinding on them on the dance floor, jumping in their arms and having them carry her around, etc. I thought that behavior was ridiculous and pathetic, but she also treated TONS of guests (mostly my friends and family) so rudely, and that is what upset me most. I literally had 25 different people come up to me and ask what was wrong with my mother in law!

My husband and his dad tend to ignore her behavior and I felt like I should keep my mouth shut over the holidays to 'keep the peace.' But I recently got so upset and told my husband we HAD to discuss her behavior at our wedding with her. He called her up and surprisingly, she acted nice to him on the phone (although she did get 'cryptic' and said something to make my husband believe she might 'kill herself!' towards the end of their discussion... .   ) She denied and/or made excuses for the majority of her behavior at the wedding, but she actually told my husband that she realized she should apologize to me.

Two days later, I received a 5 page typed letter in the mail. It essentially said 'sorry if you were embarrassed by my actions' then proceeded to deny most of her actions and then the remaining 4 pages of the letter attacked me for various vague things that I have no idea what she's even talking about (ie that my husband and I have 'used' her, she read a mystery email where I bashed her- which is completely MADE UP, etc etc.)

So my husband called her again upset and they got in an argument since she sent me that letter. That was 3 weeks ago. His dad has tried to tell my husband that his wife was 'coming from a good place' we need to all hang out etc etc.

Our current plan is to meet with both of them and list some boundaries for the future once we are a little less emotional.

I guess my question to members is: I expect her to throw another fit and not talk to us once we try and put some boundaries in place. When she does that (and any time she gets mad at us and stops talking to us) should we always wait for her to make a move first before we have contact with her? Should we always demand an apology or... .   ? Every time she has gotten mad at my husband in the past, they don't speak for months on end until his dad forces him to come over and see his mom. I see this as a power struggle where she thinks she 'wins' when she never has to apologize, call us first, etc.

Any thoughts you have would be much appreciated! Thanks!

[Grey Kitty]

Hello, AZlady25 and 

Sorry to hear you had so much drama at your wedding.

We aren't professionals here, and can't diagnose your mother-in-law, but it is definitely possible she has BPD. If so, you will find a lot of useful resources and support here.

I've got a couple of questions:

When your mother-in-law isn't throwing a fit, do you enjoy her company?

What about your husband? How much normal contact does he have with her, and does he enjoy her company?

I've also got a couple suggestions on how I would deal with this if I thought she had BPD.

1. Don't hold out for / expect to get acknowledgement of her bad behavior or a sincere apology for it. Yes, it is reasonable for  you to want these things. No, it isn't likely that she is capable of it. (Just like you don't expect a dog to quack)

2. Boundaries are a great tool, but there is a particular perspective on them that is very helpful:

Boundaries (as we use them here, anyway)  are not rules you expect her to abide by, which gives her the choice of how she will behave.

Instead, boundaries are the things we do to protect ourselves from her actions that are hurtful/unacceptable to us.

For example, if she starts verbally abusing you ("throwing a fit" you can choose to leave rather than subject yourself to it.

I will note that this example has worked very well for me when I was dealing with my wife's issues.

Here is more you can read about boundaries, with examples:

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

GK

[AZlady25]

Thanks for your note GK. I will definitely read that link on boundaries, and I appreciate your perspective! As far as your questions:

-I've never felt very comfortable around my mother in law. Half the time that we see her she seems to be upset about something and barely talks, the other half of the time, she is over the top acting like she loves me, hugging, kissing me, hanging onto me. She has pretty much never asked me questions to get to know me and the conversations are entirely one sided with her talking about herself non-stop, interrupting, etc and I usually just nod and listen. So her talking about herself is as good as it gets with her. If she's mad for some reason she makes everyone else uncomfortable and is always trying to control me, my husband and father in law. She doesn't like anyone in her husband's family and only a few people in her extended family. (not sure if she just prefers to be with her husband and sons as she can control them easily or what.)

-My husband loves his mom but he gets frustrated with her as well and has expressed that she doesn't seem interested in what's going on with him and that she calls him to talk about herself and try and rely on him for emotional support. A lot of times when all four of us get together, he seems to only want to interact with his dad and I end up listening to his mom talk... .  

She actually lives 3 miles from us(!) so we normally see them about once a month and I think my husband talks to her on the phone once or twice a week.

Thank you again for your advice!

[Grey Kitty]

You are most welcome. Keep on posting here--it really does help.

When a family member has BPD, the illness can negatively everyone in the family system, including children, siblings, and in-laws. Senior members on the [L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw board are experienced with and can help you with setting boundaries, finding relief from FOG, encouraging self-care, improving your handling of relationships impacted by your BPD relative, and pursuing a path of recovery from traumatic experiences. The validation, information, and support will give you strength on your journey.

I hope that the difficulties with your mother-in-law gets in the way of your relationship with your new husband.

Has he been reading about BPD also? Is he willing to work on how he relates to his mother? When I say this, I don't mean that any of this is his fault--She is the one who is being completely unreasonable. I just mean that if he is willing to adjust his own behavior, it will make a huge difference... .   because until you start to work on things, your "natural" reactions really make things worse when dealing with a pwBPD.

GK

[AZlady25]

Hi GK-

Yes, my husband and I are going to counseling together to learn how to deal with his mother and we are both reading 'Stop Walking on Eggshells' currently. So he is willing to work on it but I tend to get frustrated because I feel like his natural reaction is just to continue reacting like he (and his dad and brother) always have- ignore, deny, try and laugh it off, etc. But hopefully the steps we are taking will point us in the right direction. Thanks again!

[Louise7777]

Hi AZLady!

I suggest you read about histrionic traits and Histrionic Personality Disorder.

I found that behaviour very draining and I hope you can establish boundaries. 

[AZlady25]

Thanks cristina2323- its funny you mentioned that! I was just reading about it. I previously thought she might also have narcissistic personality disorder, but after reading about histrionic, that sounds more accurate! Thank you again!

[Louise7777]

You are welcome, AZLady!

I wish I could provide you with links on how to deal with that... .   But I need them myself. All I can say is try to get away from all the drama. Dont be a part in the play and dont be in the audience. Im still struggling with that, makes me soo drained!

Good luck to you. 

[Grey Kitty]

Hi GK-

Yes, my husband and I are going to counseling together to learn how to deal with his mother and we are both reading 'Stop Walking on Eggshells' currently. So he is willing to work on it but I tend to get frustrated because I feel like his natural reaction is just to continue reacting like he (and his dad and brother) always have- ignore, deny, try and laugh it off, etc. But hopefully the steps we are taking will point us in the right direction. Thanks again!

Sounds like you are both doing the right things.

Since he grew up in this "system" his role in it must feel normal to him, and sorta comfortable... .   at least in a way that it doesn't at all to you, having grown up in something different. (My wife's family isn't as bad as what you describe... .   but my wife sure is more used to how things are there than I am, and more comfortable 'playing the game', even after 20 years!) I sure find some frustration in her ways of dealing with them too!

I can't help you either on histrionic traits... .   wish I had something for you there, but I'd be starting with google myself!

You might find somebody with better ideas on the [L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw Board... .   starting a thread there asking about it (along with a quick introduction) is worth a try.