I never learn... .

[Depression = 72% of members]

I never learn to keep my opinions to myself. My pwBPD has been on the edge of a blow up for a couple of days now. This morning I was attacked for not washing his clothes on his schedule on his instructions. I was doing great. I didn't get upset and went on about my day. Truth is I really wanted nothing to so with him while he was acting like such  a jerk. After dinner, he seemed to be getting back to normal. We were chatting about the Boston stuff. I made a comment that the public comments were really nasty, and were unrelated to the crime. Alsp said that the suspect had been found guilty by public opinion.  I also said the guy deserves a fair trial because of the innocent till proven guilty thing.

He lost his mind attacking me about how stupid.I am. How conversations like this make him really scared because my thought process is so flawed. Also that Thomas Jefferson would have taken me on the lawn of the whitehouse and shot me because I am an inch away from treason.  

I am not sure why this set him off so badly. I dont know if it is just my opinion was different than his or what. Anyway, I hate the fact that I cannot share my opinion. It is bad enough to get attacked for something relevant to us. I cannot even wrap my mind around this, but I won't be sharing my thoughts for a while.

[sadeyes]

I never learn to keep my opinions to myself. My pwBPD has been on the edge of a blow up for a couple of days now. This morning I was attacked for not washing his clothes on his schedule on his instructions. I was doing great. I didn't get upset and went on about my day. Truth is I really wanted nothing to so with him while he was acting like such  a jerk. After dinner, he seemed to be getting back to normal. We were chatting about the Boston stuff. I made a comment that the public comments were really nasty, and were unrelated to the crime. Alsp said that the suspect had been found guilty by public opinion.  I also said the guy deserves a fair trial because of the innocent till proven guilty thing.

He lost his mind attacking me about how stupid.I am. How conversations like this make him really scared because my thought process is so flawed. Also that Thomas Jefferson would have taken me on the lawn of the whitehouse and shot me because I am an inch away from treason.  

I am not sure why this set him off so badly. I dont know if it is just my opinion was different than his or what. Anyway, I hate the fact that I cannot share my opinion. It is bad enough to get attacked for something relevant to us. I cannot even wrap my mind around this, but I won't be sharing my thoughts for a while.

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[rollercoaster24]

Hi sadeyes,

I totally relate, often wondering, if I just had a lobotomy, would I indeed then be the perfect partner for my BPD partner?  Picture that image if you will, you sitting on the sofa like Homer Simpson, tongue lolling and them ranting on at you, and you groaning occasionally, yet they don't even notice anyway!

Whilst my partner is ranting on, I also picture a t-shirt that says, 'Not listening, all I hear is Blah Blah Blah', and I smile to myself looking away, so he cannot see me. I know this is probably mean really, but it helps me get through another episode on my own!

But yes, I often make the same mistake, hence my sick joke! Every time my partner has another extinction burst, I usually manage quite well, twice a week for a month, but after a month of it, and several phone calls similar whilst we are apart, I present him with the truth, and it isn't always pleasant!

This obviously doesn't help, but sometimes, I just can't take it anymore, they are so selfish it makes me hopping mad... .

[jedicloak]

Hi,

I have a few questions about things I've read on this particular thread - perhaps you can help me.

"Extinction burst" - what is that?

Is this normal (ie. typical) behavior to be verbally attacked when we have a difference of opinion or is that dependent on the pwBPD?

Do you consider this verbal abuse? Why or why not?

Does the pwBPD apologize later when they've calmed down? Does it make a difference to you if they do or is the real damage done already?

Many thanks.

[Rockylove]

Hi,

I have a few questions about things I've read on this particular thread - perhaps you can help me.

"Extinction burst" - what is that?

Is this normal (ie. typical) behavior to be verbally attacked when we have a difference of opinion or is that dependent on the pwBPD?

Do you consider this verbal abuse? Why or why not?

Does the pwBPD apologize later when they've calmed down? Does it make a difference to you if they do or is the real damage done already?

Many thanks.

Extinction Burst - The term extinction burst describes the phenomena of behavior temporarily getting worse, not better, when the reinforcement stops.

You can read more about this if you search "extinction burst" in the lessons.  Basically, it is their reaction to us disengaging. 

I can't speak for everyone, but my bf does NOT apologize.  I don't ever expect him to.  I've asked him why he doesn't when he obviously feels regret after being such a jerk and he said "I figure it's been said and it can't be taken back so why apologize" which to me is so fundamentally irrational, it leaves me scratching my head!  That's where radical acceptance comes in.  I know he regrets saying some of the things he says, yet it's going to happen... .   when he's dysregulated, he opens his mouth and s*#t falls out and I know that he's not going to apologize for it and I know that if I talk to him about the hurt it caused, he will go into justify mode.  It is what it is.  If it starts and I say stop, he will at times, but when he's on a roll, I have to walk away.

If feel (to some extent) that it IS verbal abuse.  It wears a person down.  It feels really awful.  It can break down communication and the relationship.  On the other hand, I understand that this is part of the illness and when he's dysregulated he is not in control of his emotions.  He's hurt/angry/frustrated and all common sense and decency goes right out the window!  Do we say that someone with Tourette Syndrome is verbally abusive when they spew cuss words uncontrollably?  I have to keep in mind that it's part of the illness and I have the power to walk away from it.

I suppose it depends on the individual as to whether they will allow the harsh words to damage their self esteem.  Part of what comes out in the rages has a ring of truth and part of it is just the mental illness talking.  I have to take what is mine from what is said and if I feel that it's something I need to work on, I will.  If it's just a bunch of junk being spewed in anger, I have to let it roll.  That's the hard part and I'm in the process of learning how to differentiate what's mine and what's just junk.  It's a constant learning and growing process for me.

[sadeyes]

Hi,

I have a few questions about things I've read on this particular thread - perhaps you can help me.

"Extinction burst" - what is that?

Is this normal (ie. typical) behavior to be verbally attacked when we have a difference of opinion or is that dependent on the pwBPD?

Do you consider this verbal abuse? Why or why not?

Does the pwBPD apologize later when they've calmed down? Does it make a difference to you if they do or is the real damage done already?

Many thanks.

For me, it is fairly common that he gets disproportionately angry when I disagree with something like this. Social and political issues can get angry responses. It doesn't get dropped either, and comments are sometimes made for days or weeks.

He never apologizes for this type of disagreement, and rarely does for other bursts. He will sometimes say I am sorry you made me so mad or something like that, but I don't really consider that an apology. He will sometimes apologize in his own way by an action or something. N

If I did not know him so well, I would not know he was apologizing.

A sincere apology would help to an extent, because I feel everyone makes mistakes. We have all said things in anger that we wish we had not, but to some extent damage is done.

I do consider it to be verbal abuse, because of the attempt to devalue my ideas.

Everyone is different.

[Rockylove]

sadeyes... .   I can totally relate.  It happens more often than I'd like to admit, and I've taken to joking about walking around with duct tape over my mouth.  I do think that more often than not, he'll jump at judging my character because he's feeling out of sorts~~totally unrelated to anything being discussed at the moment.  It happened just recently and I found out the main reason just yesterday during a huge episode.  He feels that I've judged him and continue to judge him... .   on ONE issue.  To me, the original comment I made was not a judgement, but an opinion which happened to strike a huge nerve with him.  Someone (or many people) must have really reamed him a new one regarding this particular subject and he rehashes it constantly accusing me of berating him (wish I could recall the exact word he used)  So, what does he do in defense?  He judges me.  I suppose it's just a tit for tat thing although irrational, it is what it is.

[arabella]

Is this normal (ie. typical) behavior to be verbally attacked when we have a difference of opinion or is that dependent on the pwBPD?

Do you consider this verbal abuse? Why or why not?

Does the pwBPD apologize later when they've calmed down? Does it make a difference to you if they do or is the real damage done already?

My pwBPD doesn't do this. Which is good because I'm really opinionated! So I think it does really depend on the individual.

I would consider any verbal barrage that makes the target feel devalued, humiliated, ashamed, or stupid to be verbal abuse. It's one thing to have a difference of opinion, it's another thing entirely to express that in a condescending or mean-spirited way. I debate with my friends all of time - no one puts each other down or makes them feel less intelligent or valuable.

When my pwBPD does cross the line, he will sometimes apologize later, although not always (and much less often than I do). Some of the damage is done but some of the damage comes from letting things linger or hang over our heads - so an apology will stop some of the bleeding (for me anyway). I think apologies make a difference.

[bruceli]

This is totally me too... .   Smiling and saying I totally agree has gotten me far on many ocassions... .  

Hi sadeyes,

I totally relate, often wondering, if I just had a lobotomy, would I indeed then be the perfect partner for my BPD partner?  Picture that image if you will, you sitting on the sofa like Homer Simpson, tongue lolling and them ranting on at you, and you groaning occasionally, yet they don't even notice anyway!

Whilst my partner is ranting on, I also picture a t-shirt that says, 'Not listening, all I hear is Blah Blah Blah', and I smile to myself looking away, so he cannot see me. I know this is probably mean really, but it helps me get through another episode on my own!

[Rockylove]

This is totally me too... .   Smiling and saying I totally agree has gotten me far on many ocassions... .  

Hi sadeyes,

I totally relate, often wondering, if I just had a lobotomy, would I indeed then be the perfect partner for my BPD partner?  Picture that image if you will, you sitting on the sofa like Homer Simpson, tongue lolling and them ranting on at you, and you groaning occasionally, yet they don't even notice anyway!

Whilst my partner is ranting on, I also picture a t-shirt that says, 'Not listening, all I hear is Blah Blah Blah', and I smile to myself looking away, so he cannot see me. I know this is probably mean really, but it helps me get through another episode on my own!

It certainly helps me to laugh~~priceless! 

[Chosen]

I can relate to this.  I am opinionated but obviously most of the times our opinions don't change a thing about the facts, like stuff in the news, or politics, or whatever.  I used to just blurb out whatever I think but H doesn't like anybody who disagree with him.  Because obviously he knows best.

So now, when I remember, I keep my mouth shut.  When I really feel like giving some opinion I need to be really gentle, and also accept that he will disagree and think I'm dumb afterwards.