Why is she calling me? I am so confused

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My exgfuBP (I am new so I'm not sure the acronym is correct) broke up with me too many times to count over the year we dated and we finally broke up for "real" in February.  She usually called and start the process of us getting back together within a few hours or days.  Now, it's been very little communication for weeks at a time, which, while highly unusual, I still know it is best.  But she called me this week and left a voice mail.  WHY? It is so heartbreaking and she knows I am going through a lot of pain bc I told her last time she texted me that I couldn't talk to her bc it comes in waves like grief.  Her voice mail said she was calling to say hi and to see how I'm doing.  The one before it said she missed me and was feeling sad. I didn't call her back.  I just cannot understand why she is doing this.  She goes for so long and then out of the blue, calls me.  I am in therapy trying to figure out how to get healthy but it seems as though this break up didn't phase her and the way she is acting like its no big deal is devastating.  How do I stop thinking about her and the ridiculous fantasy of getting back together? How do I not let her random calls completely devastate me?  I would appreciate any advice.  I'm reading the boards but there is so much info its kinda overwhelming.  Why is she calling me when I have no reason to believe she truly cares about me? I feel hopeless and can't stop crying.

[blackbirdjournal]

My exgfuBP (I am new so I'm not sure the acronym is correct) broke up with me too many times to count over the year we dated and we finally broke up for "real" in February.  She usually called and start the process of us getting back together within a few hours or days.  Now, it's been very little communication for weeks at a time, which, while highly unusual, I still know it is best.  But she called me this week and left a voice mail.  WHY? It is so heartbreaking and she knows I am going through a lot of pain bc I told her last time she texted me that I couldn't talk to her bc it comes in waves like grief.  Her voice mail said she was calling to say hi and to see how I'm doing.  The one before it said she missed me and was feeling sad. I didn't call her back.  I just cannot understand why she is doing this.  She goes for so long and then out of the blue, calls me.  I am in therapy trying to figure out how to get healthy but it seems as though this break up didn't phase her and the way she is acting like its no big deal is devastating.  How do I stop thinking about her and the ridiculous fantasy of getting back together? How do I not let her random calls completely devastate me?  I would appreciate any advice.  I'm reading the boards but there is so much info its kinda overwhelming.  Why is she calling me when I have no reason to believe she truly cares about me? I feel hopeless and can't stop crying.

[paperlung]

For your own sanity and health, please change your number. Don't allow this person to reach you anymore.

And don't think she's calling because of you. It's never about you, sadly.

[healingmyheart]

I am going through the very same thing... .   I know how painful and confusing it is.  I broke up with my ex BPD boyfriend 3 months ago.  He had been verbally abusive towards me, manipulated, controlled me and was extremely jealous.  I tolerated all that until he started raging and being verbally abusive towards my child... .   that was the wake up call.  

Over the past 3 months I've tried NC only to have my ex continue to text and email me and he has succeeded in pulling me back twice.  He is my drug and without a doubt I am going through withdrawals.  When he texts me and says things that pull at my heart strings, it is so difficult not to respond.  I've blocked my phone so no calls or texts but he still emails me.  I've told him a million times its over and he needs to move forward.  He says I need to just forgive him (oh yeah, forgot to tell you about the 3 emotional affairs he had) and accept him back into my life.  Needless to say, that will not happen.  I can't tell him he has BPD.  I can't go back and take the abuse.  I still miss him and love what we had and it makes me very sad that I no longer can have that in my life.  Even though there was bad, there was so much good and we had fun together.  I really miss him but I've got to accept the bad with the good.  

I personally think they maintain contact in an attempt to keep you connected to them. They never seem to want to lose contact with previous girlfriends.  They may try to recycle you or use you later.  They may triangulate you back into their life when they are having issues with their new girlfriend.  

I'm doing everything I can think of to move forward.  I lost myself in my relationship with my ex BPD.  I am going to counseling.  I am going to divorce and recovery meetings.  I just started going to codependency meetings last night.  I think it's very important to look at yourself and see how your role played into the dysfunction.  Obviously I am not responsible for my ex's BPD but I am responsible for allowing it to happen as long as it did.  I tolerated his behavior too long and I became an enabler so to speak.  When he raged at me and I took it, he learned he could do that and get away with it.  Sadly, I'm learning that in all truth they lose respect for you when they abuse you and you tolerate it or take them back.  You have to respect yourself enough to let go and take care of yourself.  

Allow yourself time to cry and grief for now.  But when you are strong enough, pull yourself up and fight for yourself. Go out there and start living again.  Be patient with yourself.  You're going to feel scared and alone for awhile and that's ok... .   that's part of the healing process.  My whole life I've never been alone.  I went straight from my parents house to my husbands.  I am alone for the first time.  The quiet and feeling of being all alone is so uncomfortable at times.  The quietness is deafening.  

I no longer want to be codependent.  I don't want to live my life through other people.  I want to be comfortable in my own skin.  I know it's going to take time and right now I'm feeling very lost.  I just keep reaching out to different things and trying to pull from it what I need.  Eventually I'll find the right path I need to take.  

Just know that your ex is reaching out to you due to his own selfish needs and insecurities.  It will pull you down and drain you if you allow yourself to get sucked back in.  Try your best to maintain NC.  Healing cannot begin until you are able to let go.  The further out you get from all the melodrama, the easier it will be for you to see the manipulation and the games they play.  I know its hard somethings when you are in the middle of it.  You are doing the right thing by reaching out to us.  We totally get it!

Good luck

[blackbirdjournal]

Thank you both so much.  I know you are right.  I need to remember that her calling - it's not about me, or about a realization on her part, but instead a recycling attempt on her part.

The point you made about keeping connection to the ex-girlfriends really caught my attention.  I was never accused of being exceptionally jealous in any relationship until this one.  It seemed like the conversation and attention was always circling back to an ex, and it started to make me very uncomfortable.  When I expressed this, it was thrown back at me that I was super jealous and controlling. It made no sense to me, but after awhile I believed her, and thought I had a jealousy problem.  Now, I am starting to see that it was part of the manipulation.  I think I need to read more about the term you used "triangulation (read definition)" because I often felt like I was somehow involved in a sort of tug of war with her exes, or a competition of sorts, even though I never met them and despite it not being my usual way of relating to people. It's hard to describe but it was like she was  "hinting" about still having some sort of connection to them that was flirty and intimate oriented.

Thank you so much for your response.  I am trying to not look at her Facebook page and so instead, I come to this board.  Feeling the support and shared experiences of the process is tremendously helpful. I wish you the best, too!

[GlennT]

Always remember that they are still damaged if they have not been being treated. If they still call you, or return in any form to re-establish contact with you, it is to make you suffer again for real or imagined wrongs, that happened to them long ago, and need very much to repeat the trauma. They know no other way to get past their hurt, except to become relationship junkies. But they avoid self-analysis, and look for us or others to make themselves believe we did it to them. Later on down the road, you will see their projections onto you. In other words, they subconsciously, are making us do the deep work, they are suppose to be doing. They may even apologize, and things may go well for a short time, but their actions should always be taken as their truth. Until you see they have been being treated for awhile, do not engage them, or if you must, try to find a mediator who will talk for you. Since you are new, please learn about the different types borderline personality disorder such as the Waifs, Witches, Hermits, etc.

[somethingtolose]

So familiar. Maintain no-contact if you can. I went through the same process after she broke up with me. Her idea of friendship was some strange emotional torture that I couldn't refuse at the time. It seems using their past relationships as leverage in their current one is incredibly common.

[slimmiller]

For your own sanity and health, please change your number. Don't allow this person to reach you anymore.

And don't think she's calling because of you. It's never about you, sadly.

I second that! There has been much good advice here. Read as much as you can, it helps with the grieving process. In a sense consider yourself lucky too. I take it you have not had any children with her? I had three with mine and talk about HELL even when she has completely triangulated. I have 11 more years to have contact with her in some form or another regarding the kids.

My thought often is in a case like yours to tell her off and dont contact you but I think complete silence is probably the best. If you say anything, anything at all you have acknowledged her existance and even if you were to say something hurtful to deter her, she would probably be able to say something even more hurtful (i.e. I never really loved you etc... .   ) I have heard that in the process of trying to get closure from her. Probably will never happen

Good luck and take care of you

[slimmiller]

Oh and one more thing, Dont look at her FB page. It will do nothing but rub pain into an already open wound.

[blackbirdjournal]

Thanks so much. I appreciate the advice immensely.  She has tried to contact me but I haven't answered or responded.  I haven't looked at her facebook page for a whole week! This is a big deal for me because looking at her page made me feel connected, but I know it was very unhealthy.  I read somewhere that people who have BPD are often like a "different" person when they are raging.  Sometimes when she was angry with me usually for something really minor, she would do the things you have described here on these boards:  mock me when I would talk or call me names or express disgust. Once she looked at me during a rage and said really really slowly and deliberately "You are such a b****."  It was like she was a different person. I really need to continue to look at why I allowed someone to treat me that way, and why I am even thinking of her longingly.  The people here have given me hope and made me feel less alone.  Towards the end I really felt like I was going crazy.

[Validation78]

Hi Blackbird!

You have already been given some very wise advice here. I would just like to add my support and to remind you that you have more power and control here than you think. Turing your back to her attempts to reach out is self protection. We don't have to understand why they do it. What we have to come to terms with is what it's going to take to protect ourselves. It doesn't matter how others view our need for NC if that's what we need. Focus on your needs now, and to heck with anyone else's. Detachment and grieving is tough stuff, and it's up to each individual to decide how we must go through it. I for one need to maintain LC-NC. The only communication we have is via email, and I keep the conversation limited to the divorce issues, despite stbxh attempts to do otherwise. I will not take his calls, I will not engage in emotional exchanges. I don't do this to be difficult or mean. I do it to take care of myself. Just seeing his email in my mailbox triggers anxiety in me. Nobody knows how it really unnerves me but me. I must be strong enough to say no to invitations to engage, however friendly they may appear. It's all bait that will lead to places I've already been and don't care to go again. Know what you want and need, and proceed accordingly!

Best Wishes,

Val78