I feel like I've been setback...

[BorderlineMagnet]

Things have started to go decent in my life again. Living positive and healthy has paid off, and I was even offered a great job yesterday and I'm being considered for an even better one. It felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. So last night I was able to go out for the first time in awhile with a female friend and her bf. Had a good time watching a baseball game, checked in on Facebook, then hit a bar that was close. I was apprehensive about the bar because it is in an area of town my ex pwBPD gf lives in, but there are many, many bars in this area, and it is quite a big area too. I told my friends I was kind of nervous, and my female friend understood why. But I thought I was being paranoid, so I had a few beers, checked in on Facebook, and tried to relax and have a good time. Then about 2 hours after I had checked in on Facebook, my worst fear for that night was realized. My ex walked in with her new guy. She walked right by me, about 5 feet away. I looked at her the entire time and she walked straight by without looking (though her d-bag, dumpy new guy looked at me and my friends with a stupid smile on his face). I even said out loud "Oh what F, are you serious?" Told my friends that was my ex, and even they couldn't believe she was there.

I had been wondering for awhile if I had been erased, or painted black since she initiated our NC (which ironically it had been a month to the day last night since we last spoke). I had been wondering if she had been thinking about me at all. I was planning on sending her a nice note as an olive branch of friendship very soon. But last night confirmed to me that I had not been erased. Me and my friends all that it was waaaaay too much a coincidence for her to show up there. Especially after barely 2 hours of me checking in on FB there. She even looked like she had been in a hurry to get there- hoodie, jeans, hair down, glasses... .   For the type of girl she is, and this being a Friday night, her not dressing up struck me as odd. Not to forget to mention her dingleberry guy was dressed to go out. So I didn't confront her, or even look back at where they were sitting. My friends said her guy kept making eye contact and smiling at them, they were creeped out by it. Eventually my ex went to the bathroom, and my female friend (who has never met her) went in after her. She said "You know he is here right?" And she I guess lamely played it off as "Oh he is? I didn't see him" (she had walked right by me, and unless she has lost her peripheral vision in a month I know she saw me). My friend gave her a look like yeah right. She told my ex that she was here with me, and then my ex got reeeal interested and asked if she was seeing me. She said "No, I'm here with my BF too, and me and him are friends. You better be cool." My friend is small and skinny, while my ex isn't big at all, she didn't get an attitude in return. So I start drinking. Hard. I'm taking shots because it was really painful seeing her there, and also in case her dude made the mistake of running his mouth to me, I wouldn't be in the mind to severely beat him (He's short and dumpy, frat-boyish, I'm almost 6 foot and I body build). I would be much more inclined to smash him sober than drunk (backwards, I know). I have to go near their table every time I went to the bathroom, and I had an extremely intimidating look on my face, yet refused to look at them. At some point I glanced back, and all of a sudden instead of sitting across from one another in a booth (like normal people), he had moved to her side and was almost like blocking her view of me and my friends. I stayed till close (friends left shortly before me), so did they, and I followed them out. I was so hurt, angry, and confused at this point that I just flipped them off. She said something, but her lil guy wouldn't even get out of the car. I took a taxi home and zonked out.

I feel setback because I was getting to a better place in my head about all of this with her. I hadn't looked at her FB page for a week, and I was confident that I would feel even better about sending her an olive branch email, like more closure. Last night confirmed some things for me that I had thought were just wishful thinking on my part. She HAS been looking at my FB page, and she must still have some kind of feelings for me. There is no way this was just a coincidence. Had she gone there to check my friend out? That maybe she thought I was seeing her (she comments and Likes my posts a lot). And if so why does she care? She chose the other guy when I found out about them and made her make a choice. I ended up sending her the email, with an added part saying you know what? Forget it. I WAS going to send you this on the day we met, but now screw it. It makes me feel like now she hasn't let me go, when I was beginning to kind of get alright with the thought of her letting me go. Why did you choose him if you're still interested in me and what I'm doing? Now I'm stuck thinking she still has feelings for me, and I'm just kind of lost again. And this was the most BPD thing I had seen her do yet. Coincidentally showing up at the same bar in a part of town I normally don't go to. It makes me wonder if I had never checked in on FB would she have shown up... .  

[jrx]

I'm sorry to hear you feel like you've been setback. It sounds like you're in a fragile emotional state. I'm no expert, but I do know that Facebook causes a lot of angst between exes, even without adding BPD. Checking in on Facebook in an area where your ex lives might even be seen as a dare, again, even without adding BPD. The best piece of advice I've gotten about dealing with BPD is one simple word.

Disengage.

You may not be ready to do that. I wasn't for a while too. Time really does heal all if you let it, and you probably already know things you can do. But only if you want to. NC. Send her emails to spam. Block her phone number and texts. De-friend her. De-friend her friends if you need to. Leave if you see her. You might follow your instincts and consider not checking in if you don't want people to know where you are.

You seem to be on your way. One week not creeping her FB page was a good start. But she's trolling you. By reacting to her the way you did, though, you're giving her power. By going off-balance (getting drunk, flipping people off), you're giving into what she wants.

[BorderlineMagnet]

Thing is man, I'm not gonna change my life to accommodate her. I'll check in on FB wherever I please. I have friends. And actually she's not even a FB friend. That was my biggest red flag something was up when she wouldn't accept her own BF's friend request. So I watched her page (while she was still telling me she just needed time to think about us) and she stupidly posted a pic of her and her new guy. So while I was justified to be suspicious, she is just creeping me for whatever unknown reason. I think she wanted to keep me as a fwb (which is what we started as originally) and him as guy for her kids (I wanted that role, but her abandonment issues got in the way of letting me try). She is probably jealous of my female friend who is strictly just a friend. It's like she doesn't want me, but doesn't want anybody else to have me. We had strict NC up until that night. No texts, calls, or emails on either side (she initiated it when I busted her to her new guy, forcing her to make a choice). I know I reacted poorly, but I had such a great day. And she had to ruin it out of whatever sick desire to see who replace her, or to make sure I was still available. Her new guy must be such an idiot to not be able to figure out what she was doing that night. You think he would pose a question or 2, but he's just part of her cycle of white trash losers that use her for sex.

Today I did take a firm step forward. I left a public message on my page saying no more. I didn't call her out specifically, but she would have to be stupid not to know it's directed at her. It says stop looking at my page. And that there is nothing here for you anymore, nor will there ever be again. I am better than you, him, and all that will surely follow him. You will never find true love, because you will never let someone truly love you. I said a little more, but it made me feel good for taking a harsher step forward, and not treating her with kid gloves anymore out of some kind of hope for us. She smashed all that hope by showing up that night the way she did.

[Sleep doc]

It's a process and it takes time.  She is being manipulative for secondary gain - classic BPD trick.   Mine deleted me from Facebook because I wouldn't respond to her text or call.  Then four days later she texted to say she was freaking out because she thought I was dead.  When I didn't respond she called me from a blocked number.  Its emotional terrorism and it stops when you stop.  Every time you care you give her power.   Don't give her power - give it to yourself.  Stay clear and heal.

[BorderlineMagnet]

So today me and her talked through a few emails. Her responses were classic BPD. Contradictory, mirroring, using exact words I have said to her to describe her life, and yet filled with remorse. The way she described how happy she was with her new guy seemed sad and frantic. She let it slip that I've come up in the relationship a lot, and that seeing me started and old fight again between them. Old fight? They have not even known each other/been together 2 months. If he's still pissed about me and they are fighting than her claims of happiness are lies. Me and her never argued. Even through email though I'm being harsher with her than I ever have, it's still so mild that it doesn't feel like a fight. She never disputed certain things I said, but I was not surprised that she had an excuse for showing up at the bar that night. Granted, it sounds plausible, but with BPD involved I have to go with my gut and say she knew I was there from my FB check-in, which was public. And speaking of happy, the only one I saw smiling that night was her douchey guy. She never smiled there once.

It was very cathartic in a way to talk to her today and let her know my feelings have changed. Although I don't feel the same way about her anymore, I still do have love for her deep down. And I still took the high road and said kind things to her instead of being a jerk. Even though I told her I feel like I should be a jerk, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I mentioned her disorder for the first time, and as expected she said it had no factor in what happened. They never like to talk about the elephant in the room. I know better though. And I even let her know that if your uncomfortable talking about it, then I'll stop, but if it was your disorder that gave you these fears then it's alright. I know it wasn't meant to hurt me, and that I probably understand her better than she'll ever know. I left her with kind words of how I hope some day we can return to being friends, and that if she is ever in need that my door and my ear will always be open to her. It's sad to see her lie to me and herself, but these boards and my experience with my previous ex pwBPD gf have gave me almost a Rosetta Stone to translate what a BPD is saying. She's not a bad person. I wish her all the best.