Depressed.

[mama m]

Since I married in to my husband's family ,6 years ago, it has been constant passive aggressive actions made against me. I did not grow up in a family like this and the effect has been devastating. This week was a family wedding. I DID NOT HANDLE IT WELL. I made SO many mistakes. I drank a few glasses of wine, I did not avoid conversations that I should have... .   and I ended up being the one crying and in a poor fashion trying to explain to family members how this family is messed up. Every family member that jumped in was against me. I see now that because of my fear, the alcohol, and being just burnt out I just sounded like a 'crazy' person.

My husband wants to go NC. Always has. I wanted to stay in contact for our kids. But now I'm sitting here in bed so depressed about how I acted. I basically proved them right. I'm crazy not them. They were calm, collected, and I'm the one crying throwing a fit. I deserve all the rejection, silent treatment... .  

I used to be calm, self confident, assertive. How did I become this mess? Is it me?


This all seems so insane. I can't see the light. How do you move on? How do I get my self back... . my life.  :'(

[Swampy]

I'm eagerly awaiting much more qualified responses to your post, but if you're like me and you produce solid evidence of passive aggressive and smearing type behavior... .   you'll be labeled paranoid and delusional and your feelings will be dismissed and ignored.

[isshebpd]

mamamonster, sorry for what you are going through.

Have you looked up "gaslighting"? This is a strange type of abuse that causes people to doubt themselves and their sanity. I experience this with my FOO.

Previous threads here have discussed it.

[mama m]

Have you looked up "gaslighting"? This is a strange type of abuse that causes people to doubt themselves and their sanity. I experience this with my FOO.

Thank you so much for giving this behavior a word! Something in this craziness I can hold on to... .  

Have you ever experienced a BPD family trying harder to have a relationship when they realize you might pull away? All the sudden they are really trying hard. Guilt on me is abounding, it makes me want to stay and keep on trying. My husband keeps are reminding that his family is nuts and nothing has changed. :/

[GeekyGirl]

Gaslighting is very common in families affected by BPD. That could describe what's going on with your in-laws.

We all make mistakes. You know what kinds of conversations to avoid, and under different circumstances, you avoid them, right? That doesn't sound crazy to me. Your judgement was somewhat compromised and you said a few things that you probably would have otherwise. Not crazy.

My husband wants to go NC. Always has. I wanted to stay in contact for our kids.

Honestly, this sounds to me like it's a bigger issue than what happened at the wedding. It's so important that you and your DH come up with a scenario that works for both of you. I can understand how you want to protect your kids, but I can also understand that your DH needs some space. Can you two meet halfway and work out an arrangement that gives his parents some very controlled/limited access to your kids?

To answer your question, you move on by working on yourself and your self-esteem and putting boundaries in place to protect yourself and your kids. It's hard to say whether the family is trying harder now that they think you're going to pull away or not. How have things changed in the last few weeks? Besides the wedding, have you changed how you interact with them?

[Pilate]

In my experience, if a family member has suspected BPD, the chances are good that there are other behaviors, issues throughout the family system, too, and it may be generations deep and wide.

I came here because of a situation with my SIL, and my SIL exhibits all 9 BPD traits and has for the 2+ decades I have known her. Soon after I came here, I started therapy to work on myself. After a few months, I realized that this isn't about my SIL but me. I can't make my SIL change or my husband's family members change, but I can work on myself and how I feel about myself and act within dh's family system--as an outlaw rather than an in-law.   As my therapist told me, my DH picked me for a reason. If he wanted another person to fit into the enmeshed system, he could have done that, but he didn't. It sounds like your DH picked someone who wasn't going to go along with his his family's system, either.  Change is good.

Enmeshed families are weird things if you didn't grow up in one. My DH still is amazed at the difference between how our families operate. My family is not perfect, and we have our own issues to work on. A big difference is many in my family know we have issues and we do personal work and/or meds and it's helpful. DH's family views personal work as admitting weakness, vulnerability, failure, which are all viewed as negative.

If you focus on yourself, this is the best thing and an area you will see improvement. Trying to understand you inlaws' POV or make your inlaws understand that there are problems with them will end up in tears and frustration.

It sounds like your DH wants some space from his family. I think it's great he actively realizes there is a problem. If he is initiating it, I say take a break. Taking some time to be no contact does not mean no contact forever. Of course, enmeshed families see any type of separation or change from the host organism as cut off. However, you know better. It sounds like both you and your DH want to create a new family pattern and a safe environment for your children.

If your child came to you and said they were hurting, you would want to understand what was hurting and help to find a solution to solve the hurt. In enmeshed families like my dh's, if we say we are hurting, we hear "you are not hurting. That doesn't hurt. You probably did something to deserve it. If you want to know about hurting, I am the one who is really hurting." Buh?   A temporary stint of no contact or very limited contact while you work on boundaries and yourselves might bring some peace and new opportunities/perspective to your family.

Be warned, though, that it doesn't make the disordered family members act better or like you more. In my case, it often seems like the opposite. However, we often feel more capable and confident about our choices even when the disordered people try to make us feel bad or responsible for their behaviors and choices. Their behaviors are a statement about them not us.



Pilate

[Louise7777]

I read somewhere that PA behaviour is crazy-making. If thats the case, Im not surprised you are behaving in a way that doesnt match you at all... .   I suggest you read more about Passive Agressive behaviour. 

[Beachbumforlife]

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this!  How heartbreaking!  Please know it could have been anyone in your situation that broke down from the stress.   

You say your husband wants to go nc.  Was he nc before you got together?  How old are your children?  What about your own family, do they live close and do you have support from them?

[Eureka1]

Please do not beat yourself up.  We all make mistakes.  The stress of just knowing you will be in the same room with a person with BPD or BPD traits is enough to send you into nervous tremors. 

I know from my perspective, I am quick to criticize myself and I think it is due to being verbally abused by my uBPD sister.

[Kwamina]

This week was a family wedding. I DID NOT HANDLE IT WELL. I made SO many mistakes. I drank a few glasses of wine, I did not avoid conversations that I should have... .   and I ended up being the one crying and in a poor fashion trying to explain to family members how this family is messed up. Every family member that jumped in was against me. I see now that because of my fear, the alcohol, and being just burnt out I just sounded like a 'crazy' person.

My husband wants to go NC. Always has. I wanted to stay in contact for our kids. But now I'm sitting here in bed so depressed about how I acted. I basically proved them right. I'm crazy not them. They were calm, collected, and I'm the one crying throwing a fit. I deserve all the rejection, silent treatment... .   

Hi mamamonster,

The situation you describe here sounds very familiar. Dealing with BPD people is very difficult, you really want to do something to change the situation and let people know what's really going on and then things like this happen. I've been there too but I realize now that it wasn't just me breaking down, my BPD relatives actually set me up for this. One thing I've come to realize about my BPD relatives is that allthough they often act crazy, they aren't completely insane. They are very good at manipulating and making others believe that you're the crazy one. In social gatherings they are able to put on a mask and make everybody believe that they are such kind and sweet people. So if something's wrong everybody will think that you're the crazy one because that sweet person couldn't have done anything wrong.

I used to be calm, self confident, assertive. How did I become this mess? Is it me?


This all seems so insane. I can't see the light. How do you move on? How do I get my self back... . my life.  :'(

The most important thing is to focus on you and your own wellbeing. Being around BPD's isn't healthy so considering NC isn't a bad idea. Remember that this doesn't have to be forever, you can also go NC for a while to get yourself back together and do the work of healing. Don't beat yourself up too much about what happened. It's very common for people breaking down after having dealt with BPD's for a long period of time. The BPD behavior greatly affects the people around them. The BPD often seems much less affected, probably because they see their behavior as normal so in their mind there is no reason to get upset.

We all make mistakes but that doesn't mean we are mistakes. The real you is still there. In fact I believe you breaking down is the real you telling you enough is enough, you gotta do something here because you can't go on like that. You've reached your limit, your internal boundary. Feels horrible right now but this in fact is a great opportunity for personal growth.