Winding down here on L-5

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello friends

It's been a very long and winding road since I first came to bpdfamily.com in December of 2011 during the tumultuous time of being in a r/s with my BPDg/f. 

After a rocky break up full of the normal nastiness, rage, etc we came back together under the delusion of being "just friends".  For a while though? it really seemed to work!  I learned many of the tools taught here, grew emotionally within myself and other than some minor, momentary blips we were pretty good.

The past few months though,  I've grown weary of being the emotional caretaker, this (what I now believe is happening) impending further distancing and parting of ways seems to be a rather natural thing at this point.

All the love in the world cannot cure or make any of this right.  I've tried, earnestly tried to be what she needed, while also respecting and caring for myself.

The sad truth is I need to move on, and taking the leap off the cliff has me reeling today.  My head is foggy, it aches, and there is this huge, wind sucking, gaping hole in my chest, a hole that I need to allow to close over and heal.  That little voice is telling me that I am doing exactly as she fears, abandoning her.  But I need to make myself the priority, love myself the most, stop this insanity.  God knows I've given it my best shot.

My heart is broken all over again.  This time the detachment and trying to let go come to me as an old friend it seems.  A familiar aching that almost paralyzes me with grief.  Grief shouldn't feel familiar though, heart ache shouldn't be a weekly illness to have to deal with.

I'm feeling deflated, guilty, and disloyal to want to no longer be in contact with her.  Not making any proclamation to her, (at least not today), she doesn't even realize what's happening in my heart and head, and that our daily phone calls, text messages, impromptu lunch dates, our usual activities will no longer continue.

I'm giving into my sadness today.  Tomorrow I'll begin my life as single, both in my heart, and to all who know me. I am my priority now, my feelings, my wants, my needs.   Even though XBPDg/f said we were just friends, we were waaayy more than friends.  I accepted the inablitly to recognize the relationship on her part, allowed that in order to not pressure her, because I loved her, I love her still more than I can put to words.  There is so much between us that is good... .   I've asked God why soo many times.

My heart is broken.

[Cardinals in Flight]

Hello friends

It's been a very long and winding road since I first came to bpdfamily.com in December of 2011 during the tumultuous time of being in a r/s with my BPDg/f. 

After a rocky break up full of the normal nastiness, rage, etc we came back together under the delusion of being "just friends".  For a while though? it really seemed to work!  I learned many of the tools taught here, grew emotionally within myself and other than some minor, momentary blips we were pretty good.

The past few months though,  I've grown weary of being the emotional caretaker, this (what I now believe is happening) impending further distancing and parting of ways seems to be a rather natural thing at this point.

All the love in the world cannot cure or make any of this right.  I've tried, earnestly tried to be what she needed, while also respecting and caring for myself.

The sad truth is I need to move on, and taking the leap off the cliff has me reeling today.  My head is foggy, it aches, and there is this huge, wind sucking, gaping hole in my chest, a hole that I need to allow to close over and heal.  That little voice is telling me that I am doing exactly as she fears, abandoning her.  But I need to make myself the priority, love myself the most, stop this insanity.  God knows I've given it my best shot.

My heart is broken all over again.  This time the detachment and trying to let go come to me as an old friend it seems.  A familiar aching that almost paralyzes me with grief.  Grief shouldn't feel familiar though, heart ache shouldn't be a weekly illness to have to deal with.

I'm feeling deflated, guilty, and disloyal to want to no longer be in contact with her.  Not making any proclamation to her, (at least not today), she doesn't even realize what's happening in my heart and head, and that our daily phone calls, text messages, impromptu lunch dates, our usual activities will no longer continue.

I'm giving into my sadness today.  Tomorrow I'll begin my life as single, both in my heart, and to all who know me. I am my priority now, my feelings, my wants, my needs.   Even though XBPDg/f said we were just friends, we were waaayy more than friends.  I accepted the inablitly to recognize the relationship on her part, allowed that in order to not pressure her, because I loved her, I love her still more than I can put to words.  There is so much between us that is good... .   I've asked God why soo many times.

My heart is broken.

[patientandclear]

Oh CIF.   

It's haunting to watch so many people over time (I first found bpdfamily.com in Feb 2012 and came to Staying in fall 2012) try and try and change and change and still get trapped in a corner of the chessboard and checkmated in the end by BPD. The pincers of self-respect and our values on the one hand, & BPD-driven inability to trust and have confidence in love on the other, eventually leave no good options.

I've learned so much from you & am still learning from you. I'm proud of you for being true to yourself and also to the r/s and to your genuine love for her.  You certainly can be confident that, if this could've gone differently, you would have made that happen.

[Cardinals in Flight]

I am so struggling today, doubting myself.  Even though I spoke the truth, my truth with love, the disentanglement is almost too much this time.

I've jumped into a project to keep my mind busy, and I know my mind is within my control only, but I'm afraid right now... .  afraid I've caused hurt and damage. I know pwBPD don't process and think like we do, but this feels horrible, as horrible as the day first came here... .  sigh  

BPD sucks! I suck... .  

[maria1]

Hi Cardinalsinflight

I think it gets to a point where it's you or them. It sounds as if you have been choosing her for a long time and it has to be time to pull away and put you first. I know that it feels as if you are literally physically detaching and it feels impossible, as if you are ripping something out of each of you. But you are not

Read your first post in this thread again and know that is your real truth and that you don't actually have another option. You know you are way more than friends. You have to stop the pretense and look to you now.

So many people here can help you detach. It will be hard but you can put all that strength you have used to care for her so immensely and wonderfully into caring for you.

Feeling for you x 

[Cardinals in Flight]

Thank P&C, and Maria1

I had a  moment in the night and I'll share the anology.

When you have a loved one, close friend, relative dying, who happens to be on life support and are faced with the choice of "pulling the plug", withholding nutrition, whatever the case may be, you think about it long and hard, seeking every answer, all the wise counsel at your disposal before making that awful decision.  You're at peace with your final decision and the day comes to follow through with end of life measures.  After it's done, you feel relieved, almost as though a huge rock was lifted from your shoulders.  And then, out of the blue comes this awful panic of "have I done the right thing, OMG, how could I have done that?"  The guilt, the enormity, the finality of your decisions hit you square in the eye.

Well, you know the rest.  Of course you did the right thing, you prepared, were thoughtful, you prayed, you sought counsel.

I'm in an ok place today thanks to some awesome friends who peeled me off the ceiling yesterday because I was having my, "OMG moments".

I went to church this morning for the first time in a long time, it felt wonderful and was humbling and very centering to me.

I don't know what tomorrow holds, but I'll be ok.  It sucks though, in a major way to leave or let go of someone you love so much.

If you love something set it free, eh?  :'(

CiF

[Grey Kitty]

  I remember seeing you go back into the r/s with your eyes open and determination to do your best. I'm so sorry that it didn't work out. 

Right now I'm thinking about a r/s of my own that seems due for a change or an end. (Not my wife--things are good there) But I've been thinking about it, deliberating with myself, and trying to work things out... .  But I'm feeling a smaller shadow of your dilemma.

If you love something set it free, eh?  :'(

Would that thing you are loving and setting free be yourself this time?

Wishing you healing,

GK

[Cardinals in Flight]

Thank you 

[Cardinals in Flight]

Well, after almost a week, my pwBPD reached out by text.  I was a little nervous about it but after thinking it through and a few deep breaths I responded lightly, politely but without truly engaging.

I'm continuing to make plans for myself with others, I'll not be available if she reaches out again to make plans etc.

I hate this part, it's like an aganol rhythm  :'(

Note to self: Must. Remain. Calm. Self-Focused.

CiF

[maria1]

How would it feel to change your number or block her? Possible?

[babyducks]

CIF -

I've a couple of months behind you in this amazingly disturbing process and like you am dealing with the physical fall out (nightmares for me).  I have come to wonder at the impossibly high  level of emotional intensity that can create this many physical symptoms.   I was reading on a different website about the difference between intensity and intimacy, to paraphrase we pour intimacy into the relationship and they pour intensity and the end product is this very fraught bond. 

My thoughts are with you today.

[hithere]

BPD sucks!

It does... .  it hurts so many people and causes so much misery!

It also sucks the life out of you... .  stay busy and good luck on working on YOU!

[Cardinals in Flight]

I can't block, not yet anyway.  She's pretty high functioning, mostly level-headed.  With limited, non-engaging contact, she'll get it  :'(

I always thought I was really good to her, I didn't even want much.  Just encouraged occasionally, told that I'm important.  I didnt think that was asking too much, sigh... .  

CiF

[seeking balance]

Since this is the staying board - I am curious as to what you are looking for?

You went back as friends, as such - friendships do go through ups/downs... .  this is normal.  I take breaks from friends when their drama gets to be too much, I think a lot of people do.  However, the grief that you describe seems more than "friendship".   

Is the goal to detach a bit for you to get your boundaries/balance under control or is your goal to leave her life forever?

[Cardinals in Flight]

I'm well aware this is the staying board, what I'm not well aware of is exactly where I belong atm.

The dynamic has become really jumbled, I thought long and hard before even hinting I had an issue with the down turn of the "unship".

We were waaayy more than 'just friends'.  And ups and downs are normal yes, I've become accustomed to that. 

I suppose I'm more needing to reestablish a couple boundaries, stepping back to do so.

I don't know how it will play out, I just know that something has to change and I'm the only one who can... .  

I'll land somewhere eventually.

[seeking balance]

I suppose I'm more needing to reestablish a couple boundaries, stepping back to do so.

I don't know how it will play out, I just know that something has to change and I'm the only one who can... .  

I'll land somewhere eventually.

Well, you are on the right board if you are simply taking a timeout to reestablish boundaries... .  this is why I was asking because the title seems you are leaving, but since it is the staying board and you have a relationship, it seems maybe you just needed a timeout.

Have you considered using DEARMAN technique to explain what/why you are changing the dynamic a bit?  This way, you are not knowingly pushing abandonment buttons, yet establishing some new boundaries.

[Cardinals in Flight]

I initially thought I'd be better off on the Undecided Board.  What I'm wavering with right now? Would it be better for me, to just let this go, all of it.  Sometimes I really don't think she would notice.  I know how I sound right now too... .  

Thanks SB, my T is on hiatus right now and seeing what I write helps me to process.

I'm not sure where all this "crap" inside of me is coming from, my own abandonment issues I guess?  ":)o unto others... .  " I dunno.  I feel like I've lost my wings

CiF

[Cardinals in Flight]

Hmmmm, thought we all did things at our own pace?  Could I not have "been winding down" IN MY OWN TIME?

I've been on Staying Board, been supportive to those who are there because I understood how difficult it is to navigate these BPD waters.  I'm by no means an expert, But with all due respect, isn't it for me to decide to switch boards?  I'm struggling yes, I'm human, yes!

I'm also very much involved with someone whom I love deeply who is afflicted with BPD.  If I can't come to bpdfamily.com and process, with the hope of support? What's the point here?

I realize how I sounded, muddled, who of us hasn't had muddled, effed up days being in these relationships?

So much for take your time, nothing has to be decided today... .  

CiF

[Grey Kitty]

  CiF, my heart really goes out to you, especially because you sound so confused and conflicted, and all over the place emotionally.

At the beginning of this thread, you sounded resigned to giving up and moving on, even though it hurt.

Yesterday, you just sounded lost and confused... .  as if the happy part of your soul had just gone AWOL.

Today, I don't care which board the mods move this thread to. I just care about how you are coping. 

It sounds to me like you were trying to let go of some expectations with your gf, and now have noticed that you didn't do as well as you thought... .  and some of those missed expectations turned into resentment and came back and took a big bite out of your heart.

How can we help you now?

GK

[seeking balance]

Hmmmm, thought we all did things at our own pace?  Could I not have "been winding down" IN MY OWN TIME?

I've been on Staying Board, been supportive to those who are there because I understood how difficult it is to navigate these BPD waters.  I'm by no means an expert, But with all due respect, isn't it for me to decide to switch boards?  I'm struggling yes, I'm human, yes!

I'm also very much involved with someone whom I love deeply who is afflicted with BPD.  If I can't come to bpdfamily.com and process, with the hope of support? What's the point here?

I realize how I sounded, muddled, who of us hasn't had muddled, effed up days being in these relationships?

So much for take your time, nothing has to be decided today... .  

CiF

I know it is frustrating to be undecided about where to be and what to do.  Looking over at choosing a path, you are on that track in that you stopped the bleeding and took a step back to look in the mirror.  Good Job!

Whether you slowly detach into not really having a relationship or you are going to go back - it seems you want to work on some boundaries... .  

Since you said you did become more than friends - do you know how that happened so you can set firm boundaries to protect your own emotional state if there is a next time?

[patientandclear]

I think, from reading her story, that CiF wants to be more than friends, and they have been more than friends, it's just that her pwBPD doesn't care to acknowledge that explicitly.  I don't get the sense that CiF has ever (till now, & maybe not now) sought to enforce a boundary of being friends only.

[turtle]

Hi CIF!

I'm so sorry that you are hurting.  One thing we can always count on is that these relationships HURT!

Hmmmm, thought we all did things at our own pace?  Could I not have "been winding down" IN MY OWN TIME?

I've been on Staying Board, been supportive to those who are there because I understood how difficult it is to navigate these BPD waters.  I'm by no means an expert, But with all due respect, isn't it for me to decide to switch boards?  I'm struggling yes, I'm human, yes!

I'm also very much involved with someone whom I love deeply who is afflicted with BPD.  If I can't come to bpdfamily.com and process, with the hope of support? What's the point here?

I realize how I sounded, muddled, who of us hasn't had muddled, effed up days being in these relationships?

So much for take your time, nothing has to be decided today... .  

CiF

I get your frustration about having your thread moved.  We post where we post for a reason and it's frustrating to have that taken away.  You wanted to clear things up on the Staying Board and I respect that so much! 

It's not fair for us to to assume that you want to be more than friends or that you have been more than friends or anything else.  We want to hear from you... .  how you are and what you need from us to be able to move forward with your life.

What's important here is how YOU are feeling and dealing right NOW.  These relationships -- and where we put them in our spiritual purse -- is what's important. The importance we assign to them is what gets us through today, the next day, the next week, year, etc.

How can we help you CIF?  If you need to wind down in your own time, please feel free to do that!  We all arrive at the end gate differently.  There's just no road map or time frame for this stuff. And... .  You do NOT suck!

turtle

[waverider]

The important thing is your decisions are made with your eyes wide open, you know the "whys and where fors". It is a subjective decision made from a position of knowledge and clarity. That will make your future more productive and reduce the rose colored if onlys.  Unfortunately you have to have really tried to make a difference, and lived the dysfunctionality, and failed in order to reach that point

[Cardinals in Flight]

I know one thing for certain, I'm in self-protection mode with limited contact while I figure it out, and while I'm figuring it out, I'm still in some sort of relationship with my pwBPD.

Admittedly I accepted our unship for what it was, a relationship without acknowledgement or a label.  I was treated well for the most part with the usual ups and downs of BPD navigation.  I learned when to pull ME back, that has worked, until now. 

I don't know if I can keep this up until we just aren't even in touch anymore, or if that would even happen?  I just do not know... .  I'm trying not to "drive it", centering on myself.

I guess only time will tell?  I want to be sure, I'm not sure of anything right now.

I apologize for being moody, but I felt disrespected in moving my thread.

CiF

[turtle]

I apologize for being moody, but I felt disrespected in moving my thread.

CiF

I totally get that. TOTALLY!

No worries, CIF. I'm glad you're protecting YOU!  That's the most important thing now.

turtle

[seeking balance]

I apologize for being moody, but I felt disrespected in moving my thread.

CiF

Moody is ok - and this is your safe place while you figure out what to do next with your BPD.  I assure you it was not a sign of disrespect as much as there are VERY clear guidelines on staying and the water you are navigating means a discussion of leaving or at least detaching pretty significantly - stuff that doesn't bode well as a staying thread or leaving thread  - thus undecided.

I know one thing for certain, I'm in self-protection mode with limited contact while I figure it out, and while I'm figuring it out, I'm still in some sort of relationship with my pwBPD.

That is ok - we all need to put some self-protection in place at times while we figure out things. 

Admittedly I accepted our unship for what it was, a relationship without acknowledgement or a label.  I was treated well for the most part with the usual ups and downs of BPD navigation.  I learned when to pull ME back, that has worked, until now. 

As some wise members on staying say, "if it quacks like a duck and walks like a duck - it's a duck".  You were in a relationship and you had expectations.  This is the looking in the mirror part and getting really honest with yourself.  Step 3 in choosing a path

My question is - if you want a true relationship with her - it is ok... .  just own it.  Did you or do you want a "labeled" relationship and is this even an option?

I don't know if I can keep this up until we just aren't even in touch anymore, or if that would even happen?  I just do not know... .  I'm trying not to "drive it", centering on myself.

I guess only time will tell?  I want to be sure, I'm not sure of anything right now.

Well, certainty is not something any of us get... .  how much I wish that was not true.

I am a problem solver - using facts - if your initial post is a vent, that is ok - it seemed, however, that you were looking for solutions, not simply some validation or a cookie cutter answer.  If that is true, I urge you to look at step 4 of choosing a path and then step 5.  Taking the time to do this can help in determining what is in your best interest... .  if I were you, I would post it here - so you can see it in writing.

No matter the path you choose - there are tools and approaches to help.  Again, needing a break from time to time is normal in BPD relationships, but one must also be mindful that being in a relationship with a pwBPD means a certain responsibility of NOT disappearing and reappearing.  What do we say when they do that to us?

CIF - there is no right or wrong in this and nothing is certain - but choosing a path by writing out the realities of if you stay or go and the boundaries and personal responsibility you assume with whichever path is something that should be well thought out and taking a step back to do this is healthy.

Peace,

SB

[Cardinals in Flight]

Thanks SB, here's what you said that brought some things to mind... .  "No matter the path you choose - there are tools and approaches to help.  Again, needing a break from time to time is normal in BPD relationships, but one must also be mindful that being in a relationship with a pwBPD means a certain responsibility of NOT disappearing and reappearing.  What do we say when they do that to us?"

I'm confident that I have been a true constant in her life over the past 2+ years.  When a break was necessary, it was she that pulled back, and kept to herself for whatever time she needed.  I became accustomed to that, and also realized it had very little, or nothing at all to do with me.  I reassured always that I am here.  These pulling back times, as folks here on bpdfamily.com describe, come after a period of intense closeness, good times, open communication.

The relationship does quack  , so when I got the old "we're just friends, I don't want to hold you back from dating" speech, I was floored.  It's almost like I needed to be "reminded" that whatever it was we had, wasn't real.

And I can't figure out why, if I said something, didn't say something, I can usually pin point the trigger. (She also said she was not interested in dating or being with anyone)  So do I believe her? Kinda sounded like a get lost yanno?  Then she calls the next day, on schedule at the time she usually does, but the rest of the week has been sparse because I'm not initiating anything.  I'm detaching a little more than what is usual for me.  Purely to protect my heart and overall well being while I try to sort this out.

So, if I stay? am I going to be reminded on a regular basis that I'm not special? To disregard all of the outward appearences?  The actions that totally betray her own words?  

I don't know which path to take right now.  If I do as she suggests?  it'll be me leaving her.  If I just kinda go along right now without a particular purpose? I look like a doormat, neither of which sound very good to me atm.

CiF

[maria1]

Hi there

Sorry if I'm butting in but can you not 'stay' in a less intense way? It's what I'm trying to do with my ex, jury not yet in on whether it works but does anything work fully? This is a disorder after all!

I can still use the tools, still work on my boundaries, still live my life. For me, as long as he's not in my head and I'm not triggering him I think we are doing OK. I have no control over the triggering stuff but I try and stay light. It's early days. I abandoned him last time he pushed and I don't want to do that again. I don't want to abandon me though so I need to keep assessing. If that assessing tips into obsessing I will seriously need to reconsider.

I don't know if that helps but I don't think the choice is only between staying as you were or leaving. Maybe more of this is in your hands than you think.

[Cardinals in Flight]

That's kind of what I've been doing past couple of months Maria. (and NO WAY butting in!  )  I was begining to feel more and more used.  I know we have all heard this, and done it, but I was giving too much with very little return, or less than what I could accept from her knowing her BPDness.  All of my standards, for lack of a better way to say it, have been adjusted to go along with her history.

When there is an issue, and I know what the issues are this time, I get thrown under the bus.  But there is usually one tiny thing to set the decline in motion.   I did say to her that this hurts me and I cannot keep doing it.  Of course that was wrong... .  

As I said last night, the contact is limited, ergo less intense until I can wrap my mind around one path or another.   I'd never have this problem telling anyone in my life to take the proverbial hike if they were treating me as she does.

Thank you Maria, you have great insight. 

CiF

[MaybeSo]

This is eerily familiar.

These are hard relationships no matter how you slice it. Sigh.

My post a couple weeks ago about a very similar issue, started on Personal Inventory, got moved mid stream to Staying, then locked at 4 pages just when it was getting into deep waters. I may reconstitute it on PI, but, the bumping and locking makes for a rather disjointed processing experience.

I feel for you, on all counts.

[maria1]

I wrote a reply earlier but lost it on session timeout without realising.

I think I said this:-

What stands out to me is this

So, if I stay? am I going to be reminded on a regular basis that I'm not special?

Yes, absolutely I'm afraid. This is the illusion of the relationship or unship that you were seeking. It was for me too. I needed the special feeling my ex gave me (and boy did he) because I didn't get that I could find that special feeling for me, that's exactly where I need to find it actually. Nobody ever told me I was special just for being me, nobody ever loved me just for being me. I'm learning to love myself for being me. It's a tough journey but it's absolutely necessary if I'm going to fill the void that BPDex or an other person might fill for me.

I think my ex does see me as special, but only through disordered thinking. Only because he needs to see me as that because I fill his void so well, TODAY. Tomorrow his void will be of a different shape and Maria1 won't fit quite so well but that void is always there.

So... .  once we lose the illusion that our friendship/ relationship is so special, that they really see us as any more special than the next person, what's left? That's for you to decide. I'm still working that out for me. In assessing that I am no longer obsessing about my ex. If it begins to tip from assessment to obsession I need to reassess.

But I don't want to abandon him because I can't be bothered with the hassle of it (my particular failure last time he pushed at my boundaries).

I wonder if you really need to think about where your boundaries are. Boundaries are for YOU. They aren't any good if you bend them to fit around her needs because you want to keep hold of her or because you want her in your life on any terms.

So she needs a daily phone call. Do you?

What do you want Cardinalsinflight? What do you need?