ExBPD dating in my town. Don't like his behavior

[maria1]

So I am back in email contact with my ex. We have arranged to go to a couple of gigs and exchanged a handful of emails.

I wish now I'd left it at NC I think. He already mentioned his two worst dates were in the bar at the bottom of my road and my favourite bar. He lives in another town. I jokingly said 'Stick to your own manor with your dating'.

He now says he had a date in x (another part of my city). He says 'Is X High School a good place to end the exclusion zone?' That high school is the school my daughter starts at in September and he knows it.

I don't like this. I don't want to have to run the risk of bumping into him with my kids when I'm out and about in my community. They have enough crap in their lives with an alcoholic father and his girlfriend. They could do without bumping into my ex parading his latest woman in our favourite places.

So... .   I have looked at DEARMAN but I'm stuck on the negotiation/ reward. I have nothing to offer as I'm not in a relationship. I'm not sure it won't just be giving him fuel to use against me.

I can accept bumping into him. I can accept he wants what he wants but I don't know how to approach this with my kids? I can separate this out into their needs and maybe post a question on the parenting board for them (they can do radical acceptance quite well with my support) but... .  

It leaves me not wanting any contact with him ever again. I want to tell him to get the F out of my town. I want to say how could you even consider dating around here when you know the pain you caused us and you are just stirring it all up again? BUT I KNOW HE WON'T GET IT. I know he is well and truly BPD although I do get sucked back into thinking it's not as bad as I might have thought at times. Then he goes and pulls a new trick out of the magical hat of disorder and I'm just on the floor again!

I can accept him having to do what he is doing because it meets his needs and that's the deal. But I really don't want to go to the gigs with him now. I suppose what he is doing is push/ pull really. But I hadn't counted on the ways it can hurt. Actually it's not so much the hurt it's that I really dislike this man right now so I don't want to spend time with him, it makes me feel sick. But I've agreed to so I don't want to pull back.

Any ideas people? I feel I'm stuck? He's a clever So and So.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rockylove]

   It sounds like pain of the past is not going to subside easily.  It's not easy to have someone in your life that has created such turmoil~~forgiving seems easier than forgetting.  Perhaps he's baiting you... .   trying to make you jealous, but you don't have to take the bait.  If you stop reacting, his game may cease to amuse him if he can't see you react any more and if you feel it's just too much to bear, NC is always an option.  I certainly feel for you... .   my 2nd husband did this to me and I knew I wasn't able to let the feelings go so I went with NC. 

Wishing you the peace of mind you deserve!   

[maria1]

Thanks Rockylove. I think my problem is I forget how much pain he can inflict. i forgive the pain he caused in the past, at least I think I do, think i'll try friendship by accepting who he is and not getting too close.

Then he wants me closer; I'm not playing the way he wants me too so it feels like he swipes at me to hurt me. If I talked to him about this he would either say I should just go out with him instead because neither of us will ever find anyone as good, or I shouldn't let it bother me.

The only part of it that bothers me is that my children may have to deal with it. Maybe I just have to face that. But I don't want someone in my life who will inflict that much pain on them. So I've broken NC by mistake if you like. Thinking he is trying not to hurt me and I should respect that. Before I've even seen him he is inflicting potential damage (that's not possible I know but hopefully you get my drift!)

So I've gone back into something I now want out of. I can go NC but I knew this potential was there when I went back in, I hadn't thought of just how extreme it could go quite so quickly.

[laelle]

Maria, Its ok to change your mind.    Go easy on yourself.  You are protecting yourself and the people you love in your life.  That is NEVER wrong.

He will get over it.

[Rockylove]

Maria, Its ok to change your mind.    Go easy on yourself.  You are protecting yourself and the people you love in your life.  That is NEVER wrong.

He will get over it.

I agree with laelle.  He'll get over it and you'll be less stressed.

[patientandclear]

Hi Maria ... .   I guess I am not getting what the threat is of harm to your kids.  Can't you explain to them "X and I are re-establishing a friendship & that's as far as I expect it to go.  He isn't good at romantic relationships & I've accepted that.  He may be around town, just wanted you to know that, but he isn't likely to be a big feature in our lives going forward."

I wonder if the real upset here is not about the kids but about how he is sort of poking at you and making you jealous.  I agree with the poster above who said what if you just shrug off any and all information he provides you about other women.  Even better, tell him you are not interested in knowing about other women, you will not share with him about other men, that is potentially hurtful territory, and the condition of this contact and friendship is that you stick to what is between you, not mull over your other entanglements with one another.

Would that help, do you think?

[arabella]

So... .   I have looked at DEARMAN but I'm stuck on the negotiation/ reward. I have nothing to offer as I'm not in a relationship. I'm not sure it won't just be giving him fuel to use against me.

If you decide that you want to use DEARMAN to create more space for yourself I think you DO have something to offer. You have agreed to some gigs and you have agreed to email contact. You can take those things away at any time. You can tell him that certain things make you uncomfortable or that you feel they are inappropriate for you to hear given the nature of your friendship, etc. and, if he can't respect that, then you can't be friends.

What is your boundary here? You don't want to hear about his dating life? You don't want him to take dates to particular establishments or areas that you and your kids frequent? I think clarifying what exactly the problem is (as P&C suggests) will help you to navigate a solution.

[maria1]

Hi P & C

It's not really jealousy for me. I can explain to my kids that we might se him around and that he is dating other women in my town. My kids response will be 'why would he do that? That's not really fair- why can't he stick to his town?' And their next question will be 'why do you want to be friends with someone who does that?'

Because that's actually a normal response. I suppose i should be glad that i know that would be their response.

So there isn't actually a choice here. For my kids it has to be choose healthy these days, every time. And in fact that has to mean I'm out, again. I'm not dealing with these games.

In terms of my own emotional reaction I don't think it's jealousy that he's dating- that's been going on a long time. I do have an emotional response that I get sucked into believing he cares about me in some way but actually he just cares about keeping me where he wants to. Actually he cares in his way he just has to do it his way. BPD way.

[maria1]

Thanks arabella

I don't believe he'll keep to any agreement and I don't want to lay down rules because I don't think I'm invested enough. And i am worried that could trigger him even more.

If he knows I'm uncomfortable he will try to use that against me- I am very surprised he doesn't seem to have a new r/s to occupy him. That could easily be my fault in his head because I'm not jumping on his hook the way I always did.

I think he's pushing because I don't give him what he wants. He keeps throwing out bait that I always used to take. When I don't take it he wants to poke back at me until I react. I may not be making much sense, not much time right now.

[hithere]

I want to tell him to get the F out of my town. I want to say how could you even consider dating around here

Saying this is the surest way to make sure he will date as much as possible in your town.

If you don't want this then you should break contact with him... .   he is doing the local dating thing because you are staying in contact with him, he probably is trying to get your jealous so he can recycle you.

Why do you want to stay in contact with him and hear about his dates... .   are you hoping he will want to get back together?

On a side-note, should this be in the staying section? Just realized it was here and I am recommending no contact, just erase my post if the mods think it is not appropriate for this section.

[maria1]

No I don't want to recycle. That's far from what I want. I feel sorry for him and when he contacts me I find it hard to ignore him. If I wanted to I could recycle. He has offered it over and over. I dont- I just think we can be friends at times. I wasn't expecting this, I should have and I should have stayed NC.

[briefcase]

Hi maria, I'm sorry you are struggling with some boundary issues with your ex.  Unfortunately, I don't think you can enforce a boundary that he stay out of your town.  And like you said, he probably won't honor any agreement he might give you to do so.   

I hear you that you don't want any kind of relationship with him other than a very casual friendship.  But, it sounds like you might still be a little attached to him.  What are your reasons for wanting be his friend?  What kind of friendship would it even be if you don't want to bump into him?

[maria1]

Hi briefcase

I suppose I am attached in that I do still care. I can see why he behaves as he does. I think he has struggled to find a girlfriend and is probably lonely. I am too in some ways and I miss our friendship. But I have been getting on very well without it. I did start to wonder if I'd not been fair when I cut contact with him last time but I did it right at the earliest warning of him getting dysregulated. I couldn't bear the idea of coping with it and that got me thinking I'd been a crap friend, because I do get that he is disordered and I could have stood firmer through it.

The boundary for me is that my children aren't part of any of this. It's important they see healthy as much as possible and that they see me choosing healthy. I think I let that slip again by considering contact.

I just had a conversation with my daughter. I said he has been in touch and she said she would prefer me not to be in contact with him. She said she would prefer to forget him altogether. I said there's a chance we might bump into him and that he told me he's been on a date in our local cafe. She said that is just freaky that he would do that. She is actually fine though and appears very healthily detached. She said if she saw him she would just say hi and maybe give him a hug but she doesn't want him in her life or my life.

Then she had a giggle about it. She's fine. My son just laughed too. I want them to be prepared to be bump into him. They were scared for a time. No more. They are all healed.

I need to consider the best way of detaching again. Or limited contact that I can explain to my kids. I do worry that he will continue to up the ante if I don't just keep him in my life a little.

[hithere]

I need to consider the best way of detaching again. Or limited contact that I can explain to my kids. I do worry that he will continue to up the ante if I don't just keep him in my life a little.

It sounds like you are negotiating with yourself to keep the door open.

[maria1]

Yes because I am fearful of the consequences right now. The obligation is I am the grown up here, I responded to his email. I could and should have stayed out. Right now he is saying he would like us to be friends because his life is better with me in it. It's what he does. Make my life better by being my friend and not abandoning me.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Right now he is saying he would like us to be friends because his life is better with me in it.

Ok, but is your life better with him in it?  I don't know either way, but that's what matters.   

[maria1]

I suppose that's the money question- is my life better with him in it? I really can't decide. I think yes as long as he doesn't get all BPD-ish! And I don't want him in my life as much as he wants to be in my life, as intensely. I emailed today to say I'm not well enough to catch up right now and probably can't do the gigs I said I would. I said i was sorry. He knows about the cfs. His response- 'let me help you. You need looking after and I owe you. Please just let me be your friend.'

I don't have the energy to argue. I'm just going to ignore it for now. See what happens. That probably can't do any damage right now.

[Phoenix.Rising]

I think yes as long as he doesn't get all BPD-ish!

How is this possible?

I don't see anything wrong with staying in contact with him, but you will get the same as you got before.

[maria1]

It isn't possible of course! I was being silly- I'm a little past it with all of this. He tries very hard to 'be a better person', not get angry and look after those he cares about. That's the difficulty I have. As long as he is trying to do that I really should try and stay. And I know he is disordered and I know why so if he can do it why can't I?

[maria1]

I only mean try and 'stay' as in be his friend. Nothing more, ever.

[Phoenix.Rising]

You're a good friend to have. 

[maria1]

Thank you Phoenix- you are too  I'm going to sleep on it all for a few days. I won't accept any help from him. It's a way in for him but I don't see it as him consciously manipulating me. He would really like to help me. He really has helped me in the past.

But I don't need help. I need to get better so I can do what I need to do for my kids. He would love for us all to be together as a family and he'll see me being ill as a chink to get his foot in. His son and my kids. I can't think of anything worse although I used to regularly fantasise about it, when we were together.

The band I was going to see with him in a few weeks is a great band I have wanted to see for ages- Phosphorescent. Not long after I first met him he sent me a picture of him with a Phosphorescent T shirt on, that wasn't mirroring! I would love to see them. Ah well, I am not churned up as I have been in the past. I am not waiting for the next contact or feeling obliged to respond. I think that is progress.

Thanks everybody for your responses here x