Doubting your own sanity in regards to partner's symptoms?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I've been in a relationship with my BPDgf for four years now, though for the last six months we've been on a "break" during which time we're allowed to see and have sex with other people despite still living together (long story, short version is that it was completely her idea). Lately we've been working toward becoming a couple again.

Anyway, I've studied BPD extensively now, both as part of my major program at uni and independently online and through books, and whenever I read the stories of others it truly hits close to home. All of her lashing out, seeming manipulation, emotional abuse and my emotional reactions all make so much sense, and I'm able to feel like I'm not completely alone in the struggle.

However, I often look back at all of our old texts and online chats, our old pictures, etc, from our first year together before any of the major symptoms had presented themselves (or at least I had recognized them for what they were). We were so happy and so in love then. I thought I had found the sweetest girl on the planet, and during the good times we have (though they're far less common nowadays), and still feel that way about her. The thing is, her friends and my family also believe she is the most sweet, innocent person they've ever met. I feel that she doesn't take any of my concerns regarding her behavior seriously because no one besides me ever sees that side of her. And honestly, I find myself wondering too whether or not I'm just being overly sensitive at times, or maybe I really am just a total screw-up and it's my fault that she gets so angry. It's hard to believe yourself when you know that no one else would believe you if you told them.

I worry that we won't be able to work things out if both of us aren't able to separate what's real from what's not. I also worry that if she does eventually seek treatment for her disorder her friends wouldn't serve as a quality support system because they don't understand what's wrong. How could they? Even I'm unsure of what's happening sometimes.

[funkenstein91]

I've been in a relationship with my BPDgf for four years now, though for the last six months we've been on a "break" during which time we're allowed to see and have sex with other people despite still living together (long story, short version is that it was completely her idea). Lately we've been working toward becoming a couple again.

Anyway, I've studied BPD extensively now, both as part of my major program at uni and independently online and through books, and whenever I read the stories of others it truly hits close to home. All of her lashing out, seeming manipulation, emotional abuse and my emotional reactions all make so much sense, and I'm able to feel like I'm not completely alone in the struggle.

However, I often look back at all of our old texts and online chats, our old pictures, etc, from our first year together before any of the major symptoms had presented themselves (or at least I had recognized them for what they were). We were so happy and so in love then. I thought I had found the sweetest girl on the planet, and during the good times we have (though they're far less common nowadays), and still feel that way about her. The thing is, her friends and my family also believe she is the most sweet, innocent person they've ever met. I feel that she doesn't take any of my concerns regarding her behavior seriously because no one besides me ever sees that side of her. And honestly, I find myself wondering too whether or not I'm just being overly sensitive at times, or maybe I really am just a total screw-up and it's my fault that she gets so angry. It's hard to believe yourself when you know that no one else would believe you if you told them.

I worry that we won't be able to work things out if both of us aren't able to separate what's real from what's not. I also worry that if she does eventually seek treatment for her disorder her friends wouldn't serve as a quality support system because they don't understand what's wrong. How could they? Even I'm unsure of what's happening sometimes.

[Sammamish]

Funkenstein, welcome to BPD family  

You describe very well the effects of living with someone with BPD, their (sometimes) distorted version of reality can make you question your own sanity. Its often the case that family/friends will be unaware of anything wrong which can make it all the more difficult for us who are closest to them.

I understand your concern for your gf but its important that you look after yourself. I recommend seeing a T if you are not already doing so - preferably someone who is trained in dealing with BPD.

[funkenstein91]

I definitely want to see a therapist, though my choices under my current insurance plan are rather limited so I'm not sure if I could find one with a specialty dealing with BPD. I think for now talking things out on here could help a decent bit while I seek out whichever professional help I can afford right now.

It's really shocking how quickly my thoughts can shift regarding our relationship. I'll sit here and read a book about the disorder and think "Yes, that's exactly it. That's what happened that one time. I get this now." and then when my gf and I are spending time together again I feel guilt for placing anything resembling blame on her for our fights. My self-confidence has deteriorated as a result of the constant on-and-off during our life together, so I'm sure that has a lot to do with why I'm so quick to doubt my thoughts even when I was certain earlier in the day. Or perhaps I'm just frightened of what her reaction will be if I tried to discuss her behavior within the framework of BPD and so I force myself to believe that it's something else.

[vanillaswirl]

I understand how you feel! I have issues (not BPD) myself, so my husband uses these against me. He manages to make whatever is wrong be my fault. Everything he does gets twisted to be my issue.

I gave up all of my friends, stopped seeing my family,stopped pursuing my "dream job" and my community service  so these things would not take his time away, and he still tells me that our marriage is bad because I'm selfish and don't care about his needs.

I don't think it's possible to please them

[No Black Tie Man]

I too went through a period where I was unsure whether what I was perceiving was the truth. Turns out that it was, and it took some pretty bad stuff happening to make me realize that I was not nuts.

They use that uncertainty against you. Its part of the cycle of abuse.

[daze]

And honestly, I find myself wondering too whether or not I'm just being overly sensitive at times, or maybe I really am just a total screw-up and it's my fault that she gets so angry. It's hard to believe yourself when you know that no one else would believe you if you told them.

Been there done that with my uBPDh.  In fact, I do that when things are going particularly well in our r/s - wishful thinking with a bit of denial.  T would be good.  Don't know that you need someone who specializes in BPD if it's just for you.  Just someone who knows about BPD would probably be good enough.  My T doesn't specialize it in but he's pretty knowledgeable about it and other pds.

[Chazz]

funkenstein91... .  I hear you loud and clear.

I'd gotten to the point where it felt like my pwBPD was downloading her thoughts directly into my mind without having to say a word. That's my brain walking on egg shells in her shoes. Absolutely crazy making.    

[Grey Kitty]

I don't really believe it is a conscious effort on their part... .  but the BPD disorder really does include living in a world view that isn't right. I remember when I showed up here, I was starting to wonder if all the stuff my wife was projecting onto me was real, or if I really should believe my own reality and my own feelings. Fortunately I stayed firmly grounded in my own reality.

I think this workshop relates somewhat.

Workshop - US: What it means to be in the “FOG”

The other term I see used is gaslighting referring to the move "The Gaslight" where a guy tries to convince his wife that she is nuts like this. I believe he is calculating in the movie; I don't think BPDs are... .  but the effect on you is similar

I will say that the fact that friends, coworkers, neighbors, etc. don't see the side of her that you see is sounds familiar and "normal" to me for BPD. Likely prior boyfriends and other family members have seen it. (Her family may well be the source or her BPD, and be more messed up than she is... .  so don't count on confirmation from them)

[motherof1yearold]

I second what grey kitty said,

but because of my experience in BPD and also verbal and physical domestic violence- I see the verbal abuse being the same or close to BPD behavior.

One way of verbal abuse (BPD or NON BPD person) is to attack your sense of reality. Verbal or physical abusers or even people with BPD only tend to "lash out" in private. Occasionally they will slip up in public, but it is always in private. Consciously or sub consciously they only want to isolate you for an incident. Also dealing with you doubting your sense of reality and also identity - I struggled with this and went to several support groups and learned abusers will attack your sense of reality so all you know is their reality that they have created for you. If they can make you think you are crazy and doubt your sense of self even,it makes their goal of power and control that much easier.

[Rainyren]

Feel the same way .I was so happy i found this site but as soon as i got home, i starting asking myself if maybe it was me who had the disorder. but after an hour or 2 of tossing and turning in bed, i agreed that i most likely have issues, i do not have this. but i still find myself wondering.

I went through 6 months of intensive therapy when i was a teenager for drug abuse.and it changed my life. It ends up im extremly afraid of change and will try to  "fit in" with almost any one. I want to make ppl happy.  thats why i was thinking, well maybe i am delusional and he needs to be insulting me for me to listen, maybe i really am such a horrible slob and maybe dont realize that I let the baby cry for 1 or 2 hours before i pick him up and i am not able to take care of my son because i am damaged, i mean , im so tired right? maybe i am seriously messed up.

But wait, NOO EFFING WAY!  I have issues;. I have flaws. But I am not that person!  I learned how to recognize and deal with my feelings and how to deal with other ppls feeling in a respectful way. Sometimes ppl piss you off its not a big deal .  Im ok with not bieng able to have someone understand me. I know when to pick my battles . Im ok with some ppl not liking me or talking behind my back or what have you. It just rolls of my back cause i know i am a good person. I have friends who care for me and do not judge me.  I am honest and intelligent. I stand up for myself! So much that my best friend just doesn't get how i take his S***. she really doesnt see me as the battered women syndrome type of person. I just have to remember who i was before i let him brake me.  I was confident. happy. Pretty. Had enrolled in college! bought a new car. I was a happy 28 year old young women starting. My life was finally starting to be stable.

But we are not crazy. we are hurt. its like we have a broken bone, but its a broken soul. hold on to your gut feeling it is almost always right.