feel so knotted up inside

[Chrystabel]

   I haven't been here for a long time.  I introduced myself, read a bit, but mostly lurked when I joined initially.  But, I'm in so much pain tonight.  Everything I've read here... .   I relate so well to.  I need to feel connected right now to some people who could actually get how painful it is to go through this.

Just a brief synopsis:  I'm currently low contact with my BPD Mom and no contact with my NPD father (my own T quasi-diagnosed my mother based on symptoms/what I told him.  She is terrified of the very idea of therapy so she wouldn't meet with him. T met my dad in a very acrimonious joint therapy session and my T told me to stay away from him... .   confirming that my father is definitely narcissistic).

It's been over 3 years, almost 4 years, since I confronted my parents about my issues with my upbringing.  I wasn't in therapy at the time, and trying to break free of my enmeshed family was so hard... .   so I didn't finesse it very well. At the time I felt like I was fighting for my life.  Creating boundaries in my family who had never had them... .   (heck, I had never had them!) was hard.  I do regret not seeking professional help earlier.  I thought I could do it all on my own.

Since that time, I've suffered through too many stages of grief to name.  The grief over this is not socially acceptable.  It isn't something you could bring up in normal conversations.  How do you explain that, one day in midlife, you wake up and realize you are an orphan... .   but your parents are still living?

Therapy has been wonderful.  But also terrible.  Terrible because I've realized that many of my female friends have been/are BPD.  It took me a long time to realize that.  

One of my better friends is so much like my own mother (but she's a 'waif' and my mother was a 'queen'. Befriending her was my choice... .   and I'm sure there was a bit of repetition compulsion.  When I see my friend I can enjoy her company... .   but she drains me.  The worst thing?  The way she talks about her only daughter is the way my own mother talked about me!  It is so strange and horrific to realize all of that.  But a part of me know that my friend needs me... .   yet I'm slowly creating psychological space between us... .   more distance... .   but not cutting her off completely.  I care about her.  Maybe it is laughable... .   but I think:  "What if my mom had had a friend like me?  Someone she could rely on?  Who could hear the bad things and still be there for her?"  I always got the sense that my mother was incredibly lonely.  She had "friends" but no true friends.

I often think, now, that I should have done that with my own mother instead of going NC like I did.  Vain regrets?

I can see BPD in others so easily now.  And it is so common!  I called the Jodi Arias diagnosis way before the Arizona state's Psychologist said she was BPD.  It was a look she has... .   a look my friend has... .   a look my mother has.  All three of them share it.  A bit of an angry pout... .   eyes of a wounded animal... .   but at times blank.  And simmering underneath it all, when they don't think anyone is looking, is rage.  Scary rage.  Lack of empathy. They're firecrackers ready to ignite... .   just looking for some way to feel victimized.

So, today, I shouldn't have reacted so strongly when I had a run in with someone, who I think, is a BPD parent volunteer at our school.  She treated me and my children horribly.  Projected her insecurities on us, blamed us (all in a weird ongoing monologue);everything she said was to show how long suffering and 'tired' she was. Lots of poor me and "look how much I suffer as a volunteer!  I didn't ask for this!" (actually, she did).  Gaslighted.  All in the span of an hour.  I called her on it (because she was so rude to my kids).  Yes, I dared to go there.  I know the direct approach doesn't get you anywhere. It never did when I was growing up.  Bu this woman... .   it was such a trigger... .   her out of control emotions... .   her blaming us for something that was actually her mistake.  

I know what will happen now.  Even though I tried to smooth things over... .   I know she will exact revenge.  I know she'll tell everyone who listens about "horrible" me who confronted her over the nasty behavior we experienced from her.

It has taken me hours to get over this experience.  I'm still sad.  A bit angry.  A bit shaky.  Anxiety.  Like a PTSD emotional flashback.  And underneath my jangled nerves is a despair.  :)eep grief and pain.

Will I ever heal?  Will it ever get better?  So many people rely on me to be healthy and strong.  Growing up like I did... .   with the amount of emotional and physical violence me and my sibs endured... .   has taken its toll.

Now that I can identify the emotionally dangerous... .   how to connect with the emotionally stable?  I'm tired of having "case loads" for friends.  I'm also irritated that one person can still rattle me like this.  I've worked so hard... .   but it is taking so long!  I must still be giving out a vibe that says:  "Hey, those with BPD... .   OVER HERE!  Abuse me if that is your way... .   or take advantage of my emotionally and be my friend!"

Sorry if this is too much of a dump and ramble.  I'll read more posts from all of you... .   comforted in the fact that many of you on this site understand.

[Issa]

Hello There,

I think just venting all this is important. Having a safe place where people share stories and advice can help make connections and find some peace. Reading all these experiences make me feel like i am not alone. Keep venting,,it helps. 

[GeekyGirl]

Hi Chrystabel,

You mentioned a lot of the struggles that many of us here face, so know that you're not alone.

The grief over this is not socially acceptable.  It isn't something you could bring up in normal conversations.  How do you explain that, one day in midlife, you wake up and realize you are an orphan... .    but your parents are still living?

For people who have good or healthy relationships with their parents, it's nearly impossible to understand what it's like to feel like you've been abandoned by a parent or have to protect yourself from your parents. It just doesn't make sense to most people. You're right when you say that accepting the dysfunctional relationship for what it is really can really feel like you've been orphaned. It's understandable that you're grieving. That's very normal when you acknowledge that your parents aren't who you thought they were, or think they should be.

Will I ever heal?  Will it ever get better?  So many people rely on me to be healthy and strong.  Growing up like I did... .    with the amount of emotional and physical violence me and my sibs endured... .    has taken its toll.

You will. It takes a lot of work, but you can work through this. You're off to a good start by going to T and reaching out to others, as you've done here. The Survivor's Guide on the right is a good "road map" to healing. Some of the steps are easier than others, and you might find that you go back and forth between some of them, but it's a good guide to what you can expect as you work through the years of abuse that you're processing.

Now that I can identify the emotionally dangerous... .    how to connect with the emotionally stable?  I'm tired of having "case loads" for friends.  I'm also irritated that one person can still rattle me like this.  I've worked so hard... .    but it is taking so long!  I must still be giving out a vibe that says:  "Hey, those with BPD... .    OVER HERE!  Abuse me if that is your way... .    or take advantage of my emotionally and be my friend!"

I think the healthier you get, the better you are at setting limits and boundaries for yourself and others. You can start to see what a good give-and-take friendship looks like.

You're right--therapy and working through this is a ton of work, but you're already seeing some of the benefits. You know that you have a lot of contact with people with BPD (or BPD traits). What can you do to protect yourself?

[Demeter]

   How do you explain that, one day in midlife, you wake up and realize you are an orphan... .   but your parents are still living?

How many times have I wanted to say "I am the orphan of a living parent" OMG! I am just not ready for the strange looks from strangers and the pity from those quasi-close. But I have wondered how much easier it would be just to say she is dead.

[Eureka1]

Chrystabel

What you said ("It has taken me hours to get over this experience.  I'm still sad.  A bit angry.  A bit shaky.  Anxiety.  Like a PTSD emotional flashback.  And underneath my jangled nerves is a despair.  Deep grief and pain." is exactly how I feel after I am around my sister.  My T and MD have advised me to avoid contact if at all possible.

To be able to recognize BPD behaviors is a big step.  I am still working on the recovery.  My main thorn is my uBPD sister.  I still get PTSD when I recall how she showed no empathy when my mother was dying.  She was the health care power of attorney and she showed no concern for my Mom's suffering at the end. The entire time she was at the hospital, she was on her freaking IPAD.   

I agree with other posters.  Being able to vent with people who understand is part of the healing process.  If people have not encountered BPD, it is hard for them to understand.

A lot of us are on the healing road with you.

Eureka