It's at the point- need advice

[ForeverDad]

You have all three parts of the FOG - Fear, Obligation, Guilt.

However, it is what it is.  Deal with the reality, sad as it is.

Her wanting to get passports is a flashing indicator of what she would like to do, take the children with her.

Beware that she is likely to rewrite history and claim you cut off her hair in a rage.  Blame shifting.  Maybe even turn into framing.  Generally it is best not to even tough a person when raging, it can turn into false allegations so easily.  Beware, this is an especially sensitive time period, very prone to higher levels of conflict and even false allegations.

Sadly, to protect yourself you probably should record yourself when around her, especially if alone.  Most false allegations are made about times when in private behind closed doors and there are no independent witnesses.  It may be "he-said, she-said" but my impression is that DV cases don't follow the hearsay rules.  I felt safer by sometimes recording.  Scary, yes, but it was my form of "just in case" insurance for the future.

This may or may not apply, but some people, when they see the end of a marriage looming, try to get leverage over the other spouse by getting pregnant.  Ponder that.  She could say, "Oops, I forgot."  Beware of unprotected intimacy in these final weeks and months.

[egribkb]

Have you checked out the book Splitting by William Eddy, esq?

Read this book now, take notes, memorize it. My STBXBPDw did 90% of the things warned about in the book and I never would have believed her possible of doing those things. Your idea of 'fair' in a divorce leaves you open to being screwed. Protect yourself and your kids.

[Furuma3]

A few days and a T visit later... .  

Funny thing, families of BPDs. After seeing my wife's hair the next morning, my mother-in-law (who has been staying with us from Korea for THREE months now) went ballistic! She yelled, threw stuff and raged on about how "she worked like a slave for us, and her daughter is going to be a divorced, cancer patient, her son-in-law doesn't respect her (true) or treat her daughter right (false) and even her grandkids don't give her the love and respect she so richly deserves". She has stopped talking to everyone and stays in the guest room most of the day. Wow. Perfect fit for the BPD "Queen Mom" archetype! She totally turned our whole situation into something about her.

This did calm things down between stbxw and myself- she's so eaten up in her mom's FOG that she can only spend about 3/4 of the time putting the FOG to me!

Told my T how I feel right now: I'd rather get mother-in-law back to Korea and have just one BPD in the house to deal with in the divorce. He said to weigh the pros and cons of serving papers now vs. after mother-in-law goes back to Korea at the end of May. I am doing so. BTW, does anyone know if papers can be served internationally? Stbxw will go with mom to Korea and come back, but just a thought... .  

In the meantime, got my spy recorder always ready and got some gems- the best being stbx saying "I know you have never hit or used violence against me or the kids, even when I used violence against you." SCORE!

[ForeverDad]

I would suspect international service is quite expensive and probably iffy and problematic too.  What if she claims she really didn't get served?  How would you disclaim that across an ocean?

One way to look at it, it's going to hit the fan sooner or later.  Often we've realized there is no 'best' time to do it.  Waiting and waiting for a better time may or may not work.  Better to do it at a time of your choosing so you're in the best situation.

One risk with waiting is that potentially she has more time to sabotage the impact of serving her.  For example, what if she made allegations and then you served her?  It could be seen as retaliation.  On the other hand, if you served her soon, then she may have time to get foreign citizenship, passports or visas for the children and take them with her.

I do feel strongly that you serve her before she exits since you don't want to risk her filing from over there (don't know if that's possible) and then you have to deal with a foreign court.

Oh, and make two copies of important files.  Keep them with trusted people or in separate places that she cannot access.  I can't say how many times I've accidentally deleted files or lost notes.

[Jai Yen]

FD's right. I'm dealing with a similar divorce situation with a Japanese uN/BPD stbxw. I carefully investigated having her served in Japan. The thought was it would be less stressful to the kids and me should should things get out of hand after she's served. The reality is it's very expensive and time consuming to get someone served internationally. Also, if she files first in her country you could find yourself needing an attorney in her country in addition to in the US. Not a good situation. Would likely drag on and on costing a small fortune. I don't know about Korea but in Japan family court is entirely one-sided favoring the women and foreigners have very little recourse. DO NOT LET THE KIDS GO TO KOREA WITH HER. You could end up not being able to see them again until they're adults. It's happened that way to a number of American men who divorced Japanese women. Also, get her served asap to avoid her returning to Korea and putting the control back in her hands. If she decides to stay and not return to deal with the divorce you're left in limbo. Not a good place to be.

Furuma3 I've read your posts. Just a short time ago I was in the thick of things like you are now, trying to figure out the best course of action. Once you reach the tipping point and you understand that divorce is the only viable option you must move forward rapidly and without delay. Plan carefully and get her served while she's in the US - that way you retain control of the situation.

[Furuma3]

I was hoping to hear from you Jai Yen- I too, followed your posts and was hoping to get some advice from someone in a similar situation but further along in the process. Thanks.

Leave it to a BPDw to throw you a new curveball everyday. She went through what I thought was a good hiding place and found the divorce papers! Cat's out of the bag! There was 6 full hours of attempts to persuade (control) me that my feelings were invalid, lots of crying and bemoaning what a pity her life is, and futile attempts to get me to destroy the papers and drop the petition. No raging, though. She even agreed to come with me to my T for counseling. However, I do know that divorce is the ONLY option for both my sake and that of my kids. I will have to serve in the next few days... .  

I will meet my L tomorrow to pick up the finalized divorce settlement papers and I've asked my T for help when the 3 of us meet this week. He's helped me come to terms with the fact that the marriage has "died", that I can actually become a better parent and person after divorce, and that it is imperative to act now especially for the sake of my eldest son (13). I'd like my T to help stbx to try to come to similar terms, if that's possible.

Although the Korean consulate has not been helpful in terms of protecting the kids from what amounts to kidnapping, I am letting them know that I do NOT agree to stbx making Korean passports for them and will take appropriate steps to keep the kids in country.

She's too wrapped up in herself, what a pathetic tragedy her life has become as a cancer patient (in remission) whose husband has dumped her. Let her believe what she wants.

[egribkb]

Yikes! Stay safe and grab all the documentation on your kids you have. Don't let her run with them!

[Jai Yen]

Might want to make sure she doesn't use the kids' US passports to take them to Korea and then deal with the citizenship issue over there. If she's like my stbx she knows she can't handle raising the kids. She likely deep down inside doesn't want to. Mine relied heavily on me to take care of my two kids - still does. I'm guessing your stbx is a Korean citizen. She'll lose her alien residency status after the divorce so she'll only be able to be in the US with a tourist visa as far as I know. This could be an issue if your parenting plan includes shared custody - I hope you're the custodial parent and she can visit them once in a while in the US of A only. My kids, fortunately, are older and have a say in who they live with. Yours are younger so you might want to ask your attorney to make sure she doesn't pull a fast one when it's her turn to spend time with the kids. This issue deeply concerned me when my kids were younger and I considered divorce. Luckily, in a way, my stbx took a job in Japan, with my blessing  , going on 5 years ago and we were only together 3 or 4 months out of the year - much more manageable. Of course I had pretty much 100% kid duty from ages 11 and 12 until now - (S16 & D17). Even before that if the truth be known.

Man, divorce is no fun and even after she's served and things calm down a little you'll have some work to do with your T. Get your kids in to see a T as well so they learn to understand their mother's condition and how not to take it personally (tall order!). Be strong, consistent and continue in a "a matter-fact-way" to let her know the marriage is over but you hope for the sake of the kids that you she can cooperate and treat each other with respect. This is the tact I'm taking and my stbx has been pretty easy to deal with so far.

Hang in there and keep posting updates. This board helped me immensely - both with determining strategy and as a sort of cathartic process.