Contemplating an open relationship with my BPDgf.

[funkenstein91]

I feel like it could benefit us both after the long and damaging relationship we've been in over the past four years. Does anyone have experience or knowledge of how BP's handle being in an open relationship compared to the general population?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Grey Kitty]

I feel like it could benefit us both after the long and damaging relationship we've been in over the past four years.

Can you speak more to that "feeling"  you have?

I'd also suggest that you speak to how it would benefit you and how it would benefit your gf as separate sentences. Especially if you talk about open relationships, because the benefits (and challenges) of them are not the same for both people. Not even close.

I'm also curious--is there a specific person that either you or she (or both) are interested in right now?

Does anyone have experience or knowledge of how BP's handle being in an open relationship compared to the general population?

Most of what I read about open relationships and the experiences I've had are that when you add more people, the need for skillful and clear communications goes up significantly. Many pwBPD cannot handle intimate communications or conflicts well in a r/s with one person... .  that only looks worse when you add people!

[briefcase]

Others have tried it.  It's usually one sided, meaning only one person is actually seeing anyone else.  It creates more challenges and doesn't really solve anything, IMO.

[XL]

Dude. An open relationship with someone who pretty much has an attachment disorder and is in dire need of rock solid stability is NOT going work well.

I saw a close friend go through this. It ended up with the cops being called over another girl's stuff in his house. Don't recommend it.

[Vindi]

it may work out for a lil time, a month or two, but i guarantee you it won't for the long run. When you mix sex and multiple people in the picture, its a train wreck, I am sure.

Who's idea was the open relationship, yours, hers or both?

[hithere]

It sounds like a desperate attempt to salvage the relationship by punishing one of you... .  I would bet a lot of money on a train-wreck, sorry.

[slimmiller]

Good question. I do not know the answer however my experience... .  

Mine talked about it too when she was first contemplating triangulating. I think it was her way of trying to figure out how she was going to accomplish it to ruin our marriage without really feeling like she was responsible for doing it. She talked more about us just seeing other people (never talking about closure or boundaries, in fact she refused boundaries of any kind even when we finally went for marriage counseling, at my insistance). Anyhow, fast forward to today, she is the one that stepped out of bounds and says I (meaning me) can see and date whoever I went etc etc. But she always has conditions blah blah. I wont even get into it. The most blatant example of the fact that it would never work is several of her friends that know how she left the marriage and know how good I was to her and am to my children then showed interest in dating me after seeing things for what they were for real. She completely blocked them even going to the extent of painting them both black in blind rages over other things which had nothing to do with anything real. She just had to get rid of them.

So regardless what they say, I dont buy it that they could handle an open relationship. I think that takes two very mature and emotionally healthy individuals with healthy boundaries and BPDs are as far from that as anyone out there.

They want their cake and eat it but when its your turn, they wont allow it. Just my two cents.

[Thunderstruck]

They want their cake and eat it but when its your turn, they wont allow it. Just my two cents.

Exactly what I'd think. Be prepared for any woman you date to be on the receiving end of some serious rage. And most people don't appreciate 20 phone calls a day or being stalked/harassed on social media

[arabella]

I'm going to direct you back up to Grey Kitty's post. I think that is the stuff you need to focus on.

Whether or not it will work is very much dependent on the individuals involved. Everyone reacts differently. It also depends on the level each r/s is being taken to. I'll say this much, pwBPD tend to have a lot of problems with honesty. Navigating an open r/s without honesty is a recipe for disaster. Ultimately though, a lot of this will come down to your boundaries and what you personally want.