What does she still want?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So me and my exBPD had a messy break up around 8 months ago, due to all the usual reasons: cheating, lying, no-longer being in love in the click of a finger. Anyway, has obviously been really tough to get over her and i've tried to maintain NC the best i can for my sake during this time. In the past month or so i feel i have really turned a corner and am actually moving on - i don't think about her as often and can see many of the aspects of our relationship for what they were, and ultimately how unhealthy they were. I have grown a lot in these past 8 months.

However, she still calls at least once a week, and i don't pick up as quite frankly i don't even wish to hear her voice. I know things are already patchy with the guy she left me for to which i am not surprised - he was never going to be a cure for all her problems, not matter how much she convinced herself that at the time. But why is she still calling me! To check in? To see whether i have moved on? If she can still pull my emotional strings? Any insights would be appreciated 

[oldsport]

So me and my exBPD had a messy break up around 8 months ago, due to all the usual reasons: cheating, lying, no-longer being in love in the click of a finger. Anyway, has obviously been really tough to get over her and i've tried to maintain NC the best i can for my sake during this time. In the past month or so i feel i have really turned a corner and am actually moving on - i don't think about her as often and can see many of the aspects of our relationship for what they were, and ultimately how unhealthy they were. I have grown a lot in these past 8 months.

However, she still calls at least once a week, and i don't pick up as quite frankly i don't even wish to hear her voice. I know things are already patchy with the guy she left me for to which i am not surprised - he was never going to be a cure for all her problems, not matter how much she convinced herself that at the time. But why is she still calling me! To check in? To see whether i have moved on? If she can still pull my emotional strings? Any insights would be appreciated 

[MontyD]

One sure bet, to see if she can recycle you ! 

And it is not about you ! 

They have empathy.  None.

Maintain the NC !  Go for another 8 months.

Monty

[Vindi]

you mentioned things are not going well with her new guy, and yes, that means she will want to recycle, back with you! and NO guy, you or any other will help her with her issues... .  she needs to be alone!

I'd stay strong, talk less on the phone maybe not at all, do NC and let more time go by, she could be baiting you, knowing that she can still talk to you... .  set firmer boundaries and know you deserve better!

[Newton]

What she still wants is attention... .  in any form... .  it's your choice to buy into the drama... .  or not... .  

[recoil]

I ask myself this question multiple times, every single day.  Then I ask myself, what do I want?  I don't know the answer to that one either right now.

While I figure out what I want, I'm spending time on me (gym, friends, reading, movies, looking for new hobbies I might enjoy).  I'm working on improving my esteem and my friendship with myself (this has been getting better!).

I'll let the rest sort itself out later. 

But... .  I still want to know what she wants.    Has anyone ever asked their ex why they keep calling? 

[turtle]

But... .  I still want to know what she wants.    Has anyone ever asked their ex why they keep calling? 

Yes... .  I asked this question. His answer was "because you're the one person I should be able to be mean to."   

turtle

[sam-2012]

Hello oldsport,

I identify a lot with you, i am almost 8 months out. I feel better although is til obsess over her.

One thing that helped me was block her number and this is because when i didn't she was still recycling me. I do not like to be recycled. I deserve better. The thing is i do not like to test my self and see if i am able to not fall to her games. So i blocked her. This helped a lot.

[slimmiller]

She is checking to see if you still allow someone (her in this case) to be mean and disrespectful to you.  If we allow them back in, as the others said, recycle you, it gives her the signal that her behaviour is acceptable to you. If she was on her own and got herself into therapy and got herself figured out it would be completely different. No she is just looking for an emotional saftey net, and she hopes thats you.

Be good to you, dont do it.

[healingmyheart]

There is no question she is looking to recycle... .  my suggestion, don't go there unless you want more of the same crap you dealt with before.  

I'm also dealing with an exBPD boyfriend who keeps trying to recycle me.  I was weak in the beginning and he got me sucked back in a few times with his seductive ways but I'm really at the point now where I see what's best for me.  I need to let go and heal.

I know it's the craziest thing to be drawn to someone who has in most cases been abusive towards us.  It truly is nothing more than an addiction... .  a very unhealthy one at that.  Yes, it was magical in the beginning but sadly, you will never be able to reach that climatic union ever again.  You will maybe have short periods of good which will be overcome by the true BPD person coming through with manipulation and control.  

It is so very sad to know that the person "we" truly loved is not who we thought they were.  The man I wanted to married and trusted with my life has deceived me in the worst ways possible.  He has also twisted the truth to make me out to be the demon.  How could I ever go back to such behavior?  It breaks my heart but I've accepted that I can't change him since he will always be in denial.  I've never told him he has BPD but I did recently send him an email outlining his behaviors such as blame shifting, manipulations, etc. and he got very defensive and said how could I make him out to be a mental case.  Well, obviously he will never accept BPD as a diagnosis.  He will live in denial and continue to hurt people along the way.  

Do whatever you can to divert your attention to YOU.  Now is the time to spoil you.  I'm going to the gym everyday, reaching out to friends and volunteering.  I know it's hard to shift gears and want to go places but it does get easier with time.  

I'm trying to learn not to be "lonely".  Being lonely and being alone are two different things.  Being lonely is not being comfortable within yourself.  I need to reach a place whereby I can be alone and enjoy being with myself.  I've never been "alone" my entire life.  I married young and left my parents house for my husbands and after my husbands death, I had my children and most recently, my ex BPD in my life.  It's now time to comfortable within my own skin... .  I shouldn't need a guy to feel whole.  I'm learning that I have had codependency traits which have definitely played into my relationship with my ex.  

Be patient with yourself.  It truly is in your best interest to stay away from your ex.  Nothing has changed with her and you will only be hurt yet again should you go back.  Remember the good times but also remember the bad for that is what tore you apart and will continue to destroy any relationship your ex pursues.

[healingmyheart]

Oh, one other thing to understand.  After the BPD person has abused you and you've tolerated it or they have pushed you away and asked you to come back and you ultimately do, things change in their mind.  Suddenly they wonder why you continue to take them and their abusive behavior back and they now DISRESPECT you.  On the surface they seem grateful to have you and tell you what you want to hear  but underneath their core, they have absolutely no respect for you and will continue to devalue you again and again.  

[GlennT]

When the borderline keeps calling  you after they have left you, it is not you they need. It is to resolve core trauma that happened long ago. Calling you gives them a sort of false hope of CONTROL over their fears in an abandonment crisis. Low self-esteem, feeling worthless, abandoned, abused, instigates recycling of the one who use to accept them, not really caring about the reasons why, you , or they, left. They are children emotionally. No one who is emotionally healthy and mature keeps calling an ex, who is NC, every week, for eight months, after a break-up, which they caused. They are whirling emotional tornadoes, within an earthquake of need, with cracked  deep bottomless caverns,  only they can repair. NOBODY else can do it. If you contact her, you will once again get sucked back in, punished, and buried. NOBODY can make them happy. If they act like they love you, remember it is only fleeting and short-term, until the closeness triggers their past abandonment trauma again, and you must leave. But they need to do this. This is sad, because the longer they do this, the harder it will be to find their way back. That is why I will never talk to her again no matter how much or long she tries to, because I know I will only be hindering her progress, as well as mine.