What should you do if EX comes back?

[jonnyz]

I have been on this site for several months now after my ex left me for no real reason.   I have read many articles hear and the one question that seem to come up is "What to do if the Ex comes back"?    I often wonder what I would do if she came back.  It has been almost six months and I'm prety sure I don't hav eto worry about her coming back.  I will have to see her at her daughter graduation party, but I'm sure she  will ignore me,which is fine.       IF ex does come back do you try to work with them or run?  JUst curious.  I don't see how I could ever let my ex back. She lie, cheat, manipulated, and abandon me with out  care.   

[benny2]

RUN

[Mightyhammers]

From what I know now, I would only be able to go on and have a sexual relationship with her nothing more

[babyducks]

I expect to see my ex again and am actively dreading it.   I am looking for the high moral ground and a way to climb up there.   I don't need to be rude,  I don't need to be angry and G-d knows I don't want to be hurt or to hurt her.  Again.   Bottom line is that isn't possible for us to be together in any meaningful way.   It's really unsafe for us to spend time together and I need to work at hammering boundaries into place that stops this insanity.  Not my strong suit to be sure.

[turtle]

Well... .  the first thing is that there's no reason to panic.

We need to rest in the decision that we made to leave.  We need to be confident in that decision, knowing that we made the choice to leave for good reasons.

So what if they TRY to come back?  It doesn't mean we TAKE them back.  It doesn't mean ANYTHING, unless we choose to let it mean more than it is.

turtle

[changingme]

I think it is good you are thinking about this given the history of a pwBPD anything is possible and unpredictable... .  

My mistake was always thinking it was completely done and over after a recycle... .  I was never EVER going back, but I didn't have a plan.  So when he would come back I felt put on the spot, I didn't know how to react, and I let my emotions lead over my thinking.

I am now in a place that I am ready if A, B & C happen I know what to do to avoid X, Y & Z!

[turtle]

I think it is good you are thinking about this given the history of a pwBPD anything is possible and unpredictable... .  

My mistake was always thinking it was completely done and over after a recycle... .  I was never EVER going back, but I didn't have a plan.  So when he would come back I felt put on the spot, I didn't know how to react, and I let my emotions lead over my thinking.

I am now in a place that I am ready if A, B & C happen I know what to do to avoid X, Y & Z!

This is VERY true.

For me, this worked sort of like the attempted returns of a door-to-door salesman.  The first time it's a it's a polite, but sheepish "no thank you, I'm just not interested."  On time 2 it's a firm "no, thank you." on time 3 or 4, it's more of an irritated "What part of "NO" don't you understand?"  On time 5 or 6, I no longer answered the door.  And on all of the attempts after that, I pretended I had moved. Eventually, their attempts mean little or nothing.

I will say though... .  as a well seasoned veteran of all of this crapola... .  I fell for it after ELEVEN years... . and if ANYONE should have known better, it should have been ME.

So... .  as changing times so accurately says... .  it's always good to have a plan.

turtle

[kampuniform]

The BPD thinking is so incongruous that I have been caught off guard on almost every occasion.  There’s a knock at the front door, I answer, and the last person I ever expected to see is standing before me asking if she can come in. 

As Changingtimes so correctly gathered: the emotions lead, and they typically will lead you astray.  Lead you astray until you eventually become so emotionally mangled by the break-up/make-up cycle that you’re compelled to change your habits to preserve what little remains of your sensibilities.

Just like passing laundry through a mangle, you become so emotionally drained by their attempts to reconnect/recycle that avoidance becomes second nature. 

Second nature, but I have yet to loose all streaks of my humanity; she will always have my sympathy; it wasn't her fault that she was born this way.

[TheDude]

A topic I know way too much about.

After three recycles, I find myself asking the same question, but change the "if" to when.

It has been almost six months and I'm prety sure I don't hav eto worry about her coming back.

I don't believe that six months is an indicator of whether she might or might not come back. I read someone's story somewhere of a couple giving it seventeen trys at it over forty years. Ugh. No thanks.

For me, this worked sort of like the attempted returns of a door-to-door salesman.  The first time it's a it's a polite, but sheepish "no thank you, I'm just not interested."  On time 2 it's a firm "no, thank you." on time 3 or 4, it's more of an irritated "What part of "NO" don't you understand?"  On time 5 or 6, I no longer answered the door.

Yeah. Don't you hate it, though, when they come back with new shiney things to sell you at a great deal? You know, like a Ferrari for a dollar?

[turtle]

Yeah. Don't you hate it, though, when they come back with new shiney things to sell you at a great deal? You know, like a Ferrari for a dollar?

Well... .  everyone knows a Ferrari only costs a dollar, so why not let them in? 

[goldylamont]

I think it is good you are thinking about this given the history of a pwBPD anything is possible and unpredictable... .  

My mistake was always thinking it was completely done and over after a recycle... .  I was never EVER going back, but I didn't have a plan.  So when he would come back I felt put on the spot, I didn't know how to react, and I let my emotions lead over my thinking.

I am now in a place that I am ready if A, B & C happen I know what to do to avoid X, Y & Z!

thank you for this changingtimes; game tight! a great insight to have a plan on what to do if they ever reach out again. i, like the original poster don't *think* my ex will ever try coming back, but a couple of really "nice" (read: "fake" messages the past week have me thinking i need to plan for some sort of intrusion on her part... .

[Faded]

I wouldn't 'RUN' as one member said.

I think just being mindful of the posibilty for drama is enough to keep you grounded.

You sound well grounded and aware of certain possibilities already so maybe just continuing with your plans as per normal on the day would be ok. That would mean not doing anything with an emotional reaction, keeping a smile on your face.


Im unsure of your circumstance in terms of contact.

Im assuming it was pretty volatile or else you wouldnt be here i guess.


How about your ex approaching in a friendly fashion and acting as though you had no past but were good friends? How would you respond? Would you want to respond? Would it be best to avoid such an occurance by way of keeping your distance or by keeping close to others so the ex does not get the chance to approach you?

The decisions you make are best made with your emotions in your thoughts and real-time logical thinking/processing so you can genuinely question yourself.


Would your emotions be stirred up if ex was to approach you?

if yes then keep your distance for your sake and her sake so as not to cause any negativity or drama.


If your defintely emotionally detached then roll with it, smile your way through the conversation if there is one but do not divulge any personal information about yourself and do not over-indulge in the conversation. Keep it light, short and rational.






I had a coming together a few months ago. Me, the ex, her husband all in the waiting area of the dentist! I continued about my business and made no verbal or eye contact with her. My morals tell me its a little wrong to be ignorant but my thoughts tell me this is the only way to avoid drama and potential hurt for all of us.

My ex was a stranger before i met her and now once again she is a stranger in my life. The lesson i learned their, was, any input from the ex in my life was unhealthy for all involved. As they say, in a tug of war, only 1 person needs to let go for the war to end so thats what i did and have no intention of picking up the rope ever again.

That is my circumstance though so you have weigh up your own circumstances with the reality of is healthy for you and what will give you the best chance of future happiness.

[Lucky Jim]

I think it's wise to anticipate this happening.  Those w/BPD have no respect for boundaries and their intense insecurities and feelings of abandonment will almost always bring them back around, generally with lots of drama (e.g., weeping) designed to pull you back into the relationship.

My advice: don't get fooled again.  You broke up for a reason.  Do yourself and your BPD Ex a favor by not jumping back into the toxic pool, because inevitably you will be looking for the lifeboat again . . .

[delgato]

I tried again after 5.5 years.

Only reason why we came into contact again is because she became employed by the company I was working for at the time (no longer there now, thank god on so many levels!). She knew I was there, and even though she did need a job, I also wonder how much of a factor my presence was.


During our 2nd go at it, she more or less acted like nothing happened during our 1st go-around. Even though I did try to discuss some things from the past so we could clear the air, it seemed like it sailed right over her head.

Instead, she'd rather talk about the tiniest insult from somebody else -- made 10 years ago. 

Just made me realize even more that she's not all that capable of a healthy mature relationship for somebody her age.


And for the record? We replayed the same pattern as we did the 1st time around. Gee, what a surprise.

If anything, it made me realize that I, myself, still needed to do some more healing. Despite all the pain & misery & crazy-making I endured, in the long run this has been a huge eye-opening positive for me. 

[babyducks]

Would your emotions be stirred up if ex was to approach you?

if yes then keep your distance for your sake and her sake so as not to cause any negativity or drama.

Wow.  You have no idea how helpful those two sentences are.  Thank you.  We are going to have some contact this weekend to exchange possessions and yeah my emotions are going to stir and I need to keep as much emotional and physical distance as I can while still getting my stuff back.

[jonnyz]

Well... .  the first thing is that there's no reason to panic.

We need to rest in the decision that we made to leave.  We need to be confident in that decision, knowing that we made the choice to leave for good reasons.

So what if they TRY to come back?  It doesn't mean we TAKE them back.  It doesn't mean ANYTHING, unless we choose to let it mean more than it is.

turtle

  I did not leave her. She up and quit me for no logical reason. Just saying.

[jonnyz]

I wouldn't 'RUN' as one member said.

I think just being mindful of the posibilty for drama is enough to keep you grounded.

You sound well grounded and aware of certain possibilities already so maybe just continuing with your plans as per normal on the day would be ok. That would mean not doing anything with an emotional reaction, keeping a smile on your face.


Im unsure of your circumstance in terms of contact.

Im assuming it was pretty volatile or else you wouldnt be here i guess.


How about your ex approaching in a friendly fashion and acting as though you had no past but were good friends? How would you respond? Would you want to respond? Would it be best to avoid such an occurance by way of keeping your distance or by keeping close to others so the ex does not get the chance to approach you?

The decisions you make are best made with your emotions in your thoughts and real-time logical thinking/processing so you can genuinely question yourself.


Would your emotions be stirred up if ex was to approach you?

if yes then keep your distance for your sake and her sake so as not to cause any negativity or drama.


If your defintely emotionally detached then roll with it, smile your way through the conversation if there is one but do not divulge any personal information about yourself and do not over-indulge in the conversation. Keep it light, short and rational.






I had a coming together a few months ago. Me, the ex, her husband all in the waiting area of the dentist! I continued about my business and made no verbal or eye contact with her. My morals tell me its a little wrong to be ignorant but my thoughts tell me this is the only way to avoid drama and potential hurt for all of us.

My ex was a stranger before i met her and now once again she is a stranger in my life. The lesson i learned their, was, any input from the ex in my life was unhealthy for all involved. As they say, in a tug of war, only 1 person needs to let go for the war to end so thats what i did and have no intention of picking up the rope ever again.

That is my circumstance though so you have weigh up your own circumstances with the reality of is healthy for you and what will give you the best chance of future happiness.

Well. Me and my ex started in High school went steady with her for amost two years. I ran into in 2009 ad in june of 2012 she show up at my door. We started ou thas firends aNPDrogress till she end relationship in oct after I did not give her two weeks off from relationship. I gave 11 days instead of full 14 days and that was her rational for ending relationship.   I did see on Nov 6th it went well. Hell I though we were may going to get back together. Then On nov 7th I stop over cause I had heard she had been walking around town all night. So came over to see how she was and she was not well. She ended  all contact that day.  I end up runing into her oldest daughter and we became really great ffiends and still are.  My ex doen't like it.  again with no logical reason.    I hav ehad this feeling that she may contact me, but I don't know.  I do know that the daughter wants me at her graduataion dinner and her MOm will be there. So I will have to see her.  In a way I'm not worried cause three weeks ago I got gas when sh ewas working and she totally acted like I was not there.  So if she does that at the dinner should be fine.   That is where I'm at. OH, It is offical her therapiest lable her BPD. I guess she is in denial about that too.  LO L!  thanks for writing is helpful.

[Faded]

I wouldn't 'RUN' as one member said.

I think just being mindful of the posibilty for drama is enough to keep you grounded.

You sound well grounded and aware of certain possibilities already so maybe just continuing with your plans as per normal on the day would be ok. That would mean not doing anything with an emotional reaction, keeping a smile on your face.


Im unsure of your circumstance in terms of contact.

Im assuming it was pretty volatile or else you wouldnt be here i guess.


How about your ex approaching in a friendly fashion and acting as though you had no past but were good friends? How would you respond? Would you want to respond? Would it be best to avoid such an occurance by way of keeping your distance or by keeping close to others so the ex does not get the chance to approach you?

The decisions you make are best made with your emotions in your thoughts and real-time logical thinking/processing so you can genuinely question yourself.


Would your emotions be stirred up if ex was to approach you?

if yes then keep your distance for your sake and her sake so as not to cause any negativity or drama.


If your defintely emotionally detached then roll with it, smile your way through the conversation if there is one but do not divulge any personal information about yourself and do not over-indulge in the conversation. Keep it light, short and rational.






I had a coming together a few months ago. Me, the ex, her husband all in the waiting area of the dentist! I continued about my business and made no verbal or eye contact with her. My morals tell me its a little wrong to be ignorant but my thoughts tell me this is the only way to avoid drama and potential hurt for all of us.

My ex was a stranger before i met her and now once again she is a stranger in my life. The lesson i learned their, was, any input from the ex in my life was unhealthy for all involved. As they say, in a tug of war, only 1 person needs to let go for the war to end so thats what i did and have no intention of picking up the rope ever again.

That is my circumstance though so you have weigh up your own circumstances with the reality of is healthy for you and what will give you the best chance of future happiness.

Well. Me and my ex started in High school went steady with her for amost two years. I ran into in 2009 ad in june of 2012 she show up at my door. We started ou thas firends aNPDrogress till she end relationship in oct after I did not give her two weeks off from relationship. I gave 11 days instead of full 14 days and that was her rational for ending relationship.   I did see on Nov 6th it went well. Hell I though we were may going to get back together. Then On nov 7th I stop over cause I had heard she had been walking around town all night. So came over to see how she was and she was not well. She ended  all contact that day.  I end up runing into her oldest daughter and we became really great ffiends and still are.  My ex doen't like it.  again with no logical reason.    I hav ehad this feeling that she may contact me, but I don't know.  I do know that the daughter wants me at her graduataion dinner and her MOm will be there. So I will have to see her.  In a way I'm not worried cause three weeks ago I got gas when sh ewas working and she totally acted like I was not there.  So if she does that at the dinner should be fine.   That is where I'm at. OH, It is offical her therapiest lable her BPD. I guess she is in denial about that too.  LO L!  thanks for writing is helpful.

Maybe you should put some thought into whether to attend this graduation or not.

The reason i say this is because you have the potential to not be in a situation that may cause drama. Even if it isnt you causing the drama sometime we have to take into account all others attending, the person day whos graduation it is into account etc etc etc

You could be in the frame of mind that others issues are not your problem and the reason your attending is because you have been invited to attend by someone you consider a friend.

Thats all well and noble but the reality for potential drama still exists.

So the decision really has go a little deeper than 'ive been invited so why should i not attend!'




My ex's mum and myself have a great relationship as friends and have stayed in contact years beyond he fall out of the relationship with her daughter. I have zero contact with her daughter, my choice, she knows it and is very happy for me as a person (not circumstance)

Last year i was invited to her 75th birthday along with our daughter (who lives with me full time).

We get on just great so no reason for me not to attend this persons celebrations along with daughter.

But the fact my ex would be in attendance i made my excuses for working the following morning even though i wasnt.

I took my daughter to the party and was arranged she would stay with grandmother for the night and i also took a nice boquet of flowers wishing her a wonderful evening.

Needless to say everyones evening went perfectly, no drama, no tears, no drunken rants. Well not for me anyway 


As ever, only you know your current circumstance and nobody can tell you what to do but being mindful and aware can only be healthy.

[Zena321]

Curious delgado 5.5 years later was your second go around how long did your first go round last and how long the second time around ?

[delgato]

Curious delgado 5.5 years later was your second go around how long did your first go round last and how long the second time around ?

Romantically-speaking? Short, but extremely intense... . seemed like a *lot* longer than it was, both times.

1st go-around: Co-workers, acquaintances, "friends," then romantic interests; lots of flirting during those first 3; total lasted a few years.

2nd go-around: Just a few months... . that's all it took.

A 3rd time will *not* be the charm with this one.

[turtle]

Well... .  the first thing is that there's no reason to panic.

We need to rest in the decision that we made to leave.  We need to be confident in that decision, knowing that we made the choice to leave for good reasons.

So what if they TRY to come back?  It doesn't mean we TAKE them back.  It doesn't mean ANYTHING, unless we choose to let it mean more than it is.

turtle

  I did not leave her. She up and quit me for no logical reason. Just saying.

Okay.  So in your circumstance, the verbiage might be different, but the sentiment is the same. 

If your ex tries to come back it doesn't mean you have to take her back. It doesn't mean anything unless you give it that kind of power and importance.

AND... .  what point is there in letting someone back into your life when they left you in such a cruel way?

Many of us have situations where we have to see our exes, but if we keep things in perspective... .  that's all it has to be. A sighting.  A brief encounter. A cordial conversation, etc.  These things only have as much power as we give them.

turtle

[Lucky Jim]

Consider yourself lucky, delgado, as many of us have spent much longer in this arena before seeing the light!  I applaud your decision to avoid the third strike!  Lucky Jim

[jonnyz]

Curious delgado 5.5 years later was your second go around how long did your first go round last and how long the second time around ?

up until I run into at garage sale in '09 I had not seen her in 20 years. Then three years go by and june 2012 she is aT MY DOOR.  wE START BEING FRIENDS THEN WE START SEENING EACH OTHER EVERYDAY EXCEPT THE DAYS SHE DECIDE TO DISAPPEAR OR HAS DISSOCIATION.    bY ocT 2012 IT  IS OVER FOR NO REASON. bY Nov. 2012  I 'm out of her life  at this point for good.  she has not tried to  reconnect/recycle.  I think I'm safe at this piont.

[jonnyz]

Well... .  the first thing is that there's no reason to panic.

We need to rest in the decision that we made to leave.  We need to be confident in that decision, knowing that we made the choice to leave for good reasons.

So what if they TRY to come back?  It doesn't mean we TAKE them back.  It doesn't mean ANYTHING, unless we choose to let it mean more than it is.

turtle well, said.

  I did not leave her. She up and quit me for no logical reason. Just saying.

Okay.  So in your circumstance, the verbiage might be different, but the sentiment is the same. 

If your ex tries to come back it doesn't mean you have to take her back. It doesn't mean anything unless you give it that kind of power and importance.

AND... .  what point is there in letting someone back into your life when they left you in such a cruel way?

Many of us have situations where we have to see our exes, but if we keep things in perspective... .  that's all it has to be. A sighting.  A brief encounter. A cordial conversation, etc.  These things only have as much power as we give them.

turtle

[delgato]

Consider yourself lucky, delgado, as many of us have spent much longer in this arena before seeing the light!  I applaud your decision to avoid the third strike!  Lucky Jim

Thanks. And yeah, I know I'm one of the more fortunate ones.

I could not imagine going down the road of marriage/house/kids with her. Because I know how it would end up, from knowing her & from reading all the stories here & elsewhere.

I really do feel & pray for all those in or who have been in a much longer & more complex situation.

[benny2]

Sorry delgato, I did not mean to sound so harsh with my response. I have been going through alot with my ex recently and that was the first response that came to my mind, but it was my emotions talking.

[jonnyz]

I think it is good you are thinking about this given the history of a pwBPD anything is possible and unpredictable... .  

My mistake was always thinking it was completely done and over after a recycle... .  I was never EVER going back, but I didn't have a plan.  So when he would come back I felt put on the spot, I didn't know how to react, and I let my emotions lead over my thinking.

I am now in a place that I am ready if A, B & C happen I know what to do to avoid X, Y & Z!

I like that you have your a b& c ready.  I did see my ex last week. she waited on me on the gas station. I did not think she was working cause her car was not there, but she was.  I was surprise cause she acknowledge and answer my question, and I think purposely touch my hand when giving me change me change.  The last two time I had contact she did not acknowledge my existence.   On Saturday I will most likely see her at track meet.  I'm not worried cause I do have a b c and may be d.  Main thing for me is to stay calm and let thing happen has they should. Not let emotions and hurt rule the day.   I will have to see her later this month at her daughter graduation party too. daughter invited me and really wants me to come.   

[delgato]

Sorry delgato, I did not mean to sound so harsh with my response. I have been going through alot with my ex recently and that was the first response that came to my mind, but it was my emotions talking.

Hi benny, I didn't see this 'til now, and didn't even see any other comment. No harm, no foul.

I understand how perhaps the wording of my post could have been viewed as taking a dig or something. Certainly wasn't my intention. Sorry about that.

And yeah, emotions can run high when dealing with a pwBPD, and its aftermath.


I've been doing a lot of emotional work for myself the past couple months. Stuff going back years & even decades, related to pwBPD & otherwise. It feels good to finally let it out in a healthy & healing way. I think I still have a ways more to go, though.

It's amazing & even a little scary how stuff can accumulate, & we carry that around with us every day, affecting all kinds of things in our lives.

It does get better, benny. Sometimes not always in a steady line, but it does get better.

[fakename]

For me I think it's simple.

I'd simply tell her that I've seen many times what a relationship with her is like and I'm just not interested in that.

I presume she'd tell me she's changed but I've heard that before and have no reason to give the benefit of the doubt any more.

Just can't be with someone I don't trust at all. A did rather be in a healthy relationship.

I'd wish her good luck and sincerely hope she works on herself.

That's about it and I'm thinking with how I'm doing now it'll be easy to do. 

[Lucky Jim]

Hi fakename, Of course she'll tell you that she has changed!  Don't get sucked back in.  She will do whatever it takes to ensnare you again, so you have to be firm with your boundaries, in my view.  I wasn't and learned what happens the hard way.

Lucky Jim