Difficult realizations

[Phoenix.Rising]

I am having some hard realizations.  I am 99.9% certain that my mother has BPD.  A very competent therapist hinted at this to me probably 6 months ago, and the therapist I have now has helped confirm it.  She does not have a formal diagnosis, and it is very unlikely that she ever will.  My recent ex most certainly has BPD, and I have spent much time on these boards discussing and processing it.  There is no doubt in my mind now after all the research I have done, and the personal experiences I had with my ex, and comparing it to the literature and other’s experiences on these boards.  I see it very clearly. 

It was much harder for me to see and accept it with my mother because that hits much closer to home.  But it is crystallizing.  I just started reading Understanding the Borderline Mother, and Wow! is all I can say.  I have some very mixed emotions, ranging from shock to sadness to rage.  I am very happy that I am seeing a very competent therapist who seems quite well versed in BPD.  I am seeing how this has played a huge part in how I pick the women I’ve had relationships with. 

I no doubt have attachment issues of my own and I meet some of the criteria for BPD, but I do not have it.  I can attach to someone, and I do.  My main problems have been various addictions and codependency.  I have multiple years of sober time from alcohol and drugs.  I used sex a lot to medicate as well.  I see that part of me liked the sex with someone with BPD because it was usually somewhat emotionally detached.  It could also be highly emotional.  Strange.  I don’t like admitting this, but it’s true.  Part of me craves a deeper closeness, however, and emotionally detached sex seems more and more unappealing. 

I always thought there was something a bit off or not quite right with my mother.  There have been many times I thought she was going crazy, and maybe she was.  I have heard her just ramble to herself, not making sense at all.  I’m certain this was probably some sort of psychosis.  My grandmother on my father’s side was diagnosed with schizophrenia.  My dad married my mom, obviously, who I now realize is emotionally ill.  There are patterns I see.  It’s just a lot to wrap my head around. 

I am in my 40’s and I’ve had a rough go of it in intimate relationships.  It’s hard to envision a truly healthy relationship, and I wonder if part of me will always be drawn to emotionally ill women.  I suppose I need to keep most of my focus on healing me right now and let the rest of it work itself out, however that may be.

My mom used to lock herself in the bathroom and break down.  She has abused alcohol and pills off and on for much of her life.  She doesn’t seem to have the ability to self-reflect.  If I try to address an issue that was disturbing to me that relates to a defect of character she has, she will deflect the conversation almost immediately.  I’ve been taught that territory is off limits.  Her boundaries are practically non-existent.  She taught me to not know what my boundaries are and to feel guilty when I try to implement them.  She triangulates me with my sister all the time.  She is constantly berating my sister and always pointing out all of her flaws.  I admit to joining in with her a lot of the time, but I do not feel comfortable doing that now.  I’m sure she talks behind my back with my sister.

I’ve always wondered if she loves my step-dad.  I’ve even asked her that on several occasions.  She says she does, but I have not seen it.  They hardly ever show any kind of affection to each other, and she is quick to point out his shortcomings.  She has not let go of the fact that she and my dad divorced over 30 years ago.  I understand now that is because she has not been able to let it go or process it fully because she is emotionally ill.  This is very sad.  She is not a bad woman and has many wonderful qualities, but this is just such a shock.  It makes me question my whole existence.  I am in pain, but I also feel an odd sense of hope because I have already come so damn far.

Years ago, I cut contact with my mom for almost 4 years, not knowing about BPD, but I knew I needed some space or I was going to lose it.  Despite all of this, I have somehow managed to create a successful life on many levels.  I have a Master’s degree and I am the director of a department in education.  I recently bought a house.  I have maintained years of sobriety from alcohol and drugs, and I was a hard user at one point in my life.  I nearly died several times.  I am a survivor and I will continue to survive.  Thank you for listening.

[Beachbumforlife]

Hi Phoenix!  That sounds like a big realization.  I think it's quite common to end up with what is familiar and many end up with someone with a disorder when they come from a disprdered background.  It sounds like a good thing that you are realizing that and you can concentrate on the issues as they affected you.   

[Phoenix.Rising]

Thank you, Beachbumforlife.  I hope to gain some insights from the great people on this board and my therapist.  Life can really have some twists and turns!  I do feel hopeful because there are a lot of positives to focus on, but I realize I've been damaged emotionally in some ways.  That is hard to come to terms with.

[Beachbumforlife]

I realize I've been damaged emotionally in some ways.  That is hard to come to terms with.

I hear you there.  You are not alone.   

[Kwamina]

Hi Phoenix.Rising,

You've been through a lot but I'm glad you've survived and are still working on healing yourself.   Just like the phoenix you've risen from the ashes!  

It's difficult coming to terms with the fact your mother has BPD, I've found this very hard too. Learning about BPD was in some ways the easy part, what I found very hard was accepting how growing up with a uBPD mom has shaped and affected me. I'm unlearning a lot of crazy behaviors and am working on healing myself. It's very hard to accept how damaged we are as a result of the way we were raised. I've learned to look at things with new eyes and what I see is often very painful. It sometimes amazes me that I didn't see certain things before but at least now I see them so I can work on them.

I understand your questioning of your mother's love for your stepdad. I really don't believe someone with BPD is capable of true love.

Keep up the good work!  

[FindingStrength]

Hi Phoenix Rising, 

Welcome to this little corner of the board.  I can see that you are very proud of your accomplishments and you have every right to be.  It sounds like you have overcome a lot of adversity and you are clearly a survivour and a strong human being.   It takes a massive amount of strength to even summon the courage to confront one's past.

I echo what Kwamina said below

what I found very hard was accepting how growing up with a uBPD mom has shaped and affected me. I'm unlearning a lot of crazy behaviors and am working on healing myself. It's very hard to accept how damaged we are as a result of the way we were raised. I've learned to look at things with new eyes and what I see is often very painful. It sometimes amazes me that I didn't see certain things before but at least now I see them so I can work on them.

In your experiences with your BPDex it sounds like you've been able to do some work towards understanding.  It is a difficult step to translate that understanding into your past and your formative years, and one I know I'm just starting to struggle with.  I believe it is worthwhile though as the peace of mind and belief in yourself that you stand to gain are invaluable.

I also want to commend your ability to recognize the good qualities in your mother.  I feel like one of the things I'm trying to learn is how to integrate the good aspects of my mother with the negative behaviours she's exhibited and see her as a whole person as opposed to compartmentalizing her into the loving mother and the Queen/Witch.

Is there anything in particular you find especially difficult to wrap your head around? 

Welcome, know that you will find nothing but support and kindness here.

[Phoenix.Rising]

It sometimes amazes me that I didn't see certain things before but at least now I see them so I can work on them.

I feel the same way, but how would we have known any different if that was the environment we were raised in?  I am really identifying some textbook BPD stuff with my mom and it is really mind blowing for lack of a better word.

She has never been very physically affectionate with me.  There was very little touch.  I took the 5 Love Languages test not long ago and my main style is touch.  Go figure!  She will tell me she loves me, but it is not very often, and it does not seem to come natural to her.  She was alone much of the time as a child, so I think she experienced a large dose of emotional neglect, and I believe she is a very sensitive person.

I understand your questioning of your mother's love for your stepdad. I really don't believe someone with BPD is capable of true love.

Thank you for understanding.  I have noticed this from the beginning of their relationship.  I sometimes wondered why she was still with him, but it makes a lot more sense now.  I think my step-dad is probably ADHD or something similar.  She was always very controlling when it came to me and my sister in relation to my step-dad.  In other words, she didn't allow us to develop much of a relationship with him as kids.  She very firmly stood between us.  Sometimes now I resent this because I think he is a pretty good guy and it would've been nice to have a better relationship with him.  But it is what it is, and everything happens for a reason, right?  That's hard to swallow.

I agree that they cannot practice true love consistently.  Their love is like a child in so many ways.  I've always thought my mom was very childlike in many ways.  This is all quite bizarre to me, still. 

[Phoenix.Rising]

FindingStrength,

Thank you for your encouraging words.  They give me strength!

The understanding part has been difficult but very necessary.  I am still understanding.  It takes a lot of personal study and introspection as I'm sure you know.

I went through many years where I felt a large degree of disgust and even some hatred towards my mother.  It was very difficult to process and get through.  I cut complete contact with her for nearly 4 years about 15 years ago.  I am in my 40's now.  I speak with her frequently but I am much more guarded now and I've noticed my responses are quite limited for the most part.  I try not to engage in the drama.  That seems to be what she wants from me most of the time, is to engage with the drama. 

She does have many great qualities.  I mentioned she was sensitive.  She is loving in her own way.  She is artistic.  She is a good teacher on certain matters.  She has above average intelligence.  She is physically attractive.  She is giving in the monetary sense, although I think she often tried to use money to buy love.  I think now maybe because she felt she was lacking in other ways.  I'm not sure, though.

I keep thinking about your last question and I'm having a difficult time wrapping my head around the fact that she was a fantasy mom to some degree.  It sounds horrible for me say that, but I think there is some truth in it.  Like Alice in Wonderland or Coraline in Neil Gaiman's horror/fantasy childrens story.  Her emptiness.