In-laws of BPD

[Bethy]

 

My daughter-in-law is BPD. She has been married to our son for 8 years. In the beginning stages of their relationship she was a likeable, friendly person. Over the years she and our son gradually started distancing themselves from us as a family. Looking back this was very insidious, but identifiable in hindsight. We are a close family and this lack of intimacy and interest in us became unacceptable and this was stated to the couple. Seven months age they elected not to have any further contact with us as parents. We were accused of all sorts of abuse in the past which is untrue. Contact with our 2 daughters has also come to a halt. Even my elderly parents are ignored. No form of communication is responded to. As they live far from us. it is not possible to physically pitch up on their doorstep! Our son and his wife have a 2 year old son and we have also been deprived of the joys of contact with our grandson. This is a stalemate at present and there is nothing that can be done until a response is forthcoming from my son and his wife. He seems to have been totally brainwashed by her and is acting like a BPD too. Any suggestionsas to where to go from here?       

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Dear Bethy:  Hello, and     We're sorry you have to deal with this problem, but glad you have found this site.  BPD is truly a condition which ripples throughout the family, extended family, and others who know or have dealings with the person who suffers from it.  Has your dil (daughter-in-law) been officially diagnosed with BPD?  Many of us suspect our family members have the condition, based on diagnostic criteria, but the nature of BPD is such that often those who suffer from it often avoid diagnosis or therapy.

My husband (DH) and I also have a dil with uBPD, and I can certainly relate to the pain you are feeling.  Isolation from a grandchild is so difficult, and wondering what has caused the rift with our son has also hurt us deeply.  We have come to the conclusion that he does what he must to keep the peace and to survive without triggering her rages, for the sake of his sanity and that of our gd4 (granddaughter, 4 years old).  There are many grandparents here who share your experiences.  You will find them on both of the L4 boards---some are parents of the pwBPD, and others are in-laws.  Please let us know how we can best help you.  We have lots of information on this site, and are always willing to listen if you need to vent.  Welcome!  Please come back!   

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Oops!  I meant the L5 Boards!  Sorry!   

[Tess Russell]

Hello Bethy,

We have a similar situation, and I can totally sympathize with you. Our son and his wife (uBPD) are expecting their third child in two and a half years. We have no contact with them and only met the second child a year ago when he was born.

This has caused problems throughout our entire family and extended family. My husband and I are trying to press on with our lives apart from everyone else. It is just too painful to keep trying and to keep being rejected. We believe that our son is just trying to do the best he can, and unfortunately, that includes going along with her vilification of me!

This has been going on for three years, and I am finally at a place where I don't just fall apart when I hear my son's name. We have found friends and "new family" from whom we get many blessings and and feel appreciation. We hope that someday our son will come back to us. Until then, we send him love and prayers for his own strength and peace. It is still very painful, but it has gotten so much easier.

I wish you the very best! Tess

[Krudula]

Dear Bethy

As grandparents of a 1 year old we feel for you. Our circumstances are similar, yet different. Since the relationship our son had with diagnosed BPD partner, ended, we have been in the throws of plenty accusations, anger outbursts and on her behalf expressions of entitlement when she felt like it, or when she needed us to look after gs1. At times we feel really used, but have always chosen to take the safe option for the gs and put our own plans, feeling etc. aside to look after him. If it suits her, she wants him, if she has other more important things to go to, she expects us to be there. Since she was hospitalized, earlier in the year, our nonBPD son and gs have come to live with us. This arrangement works well, if only there would be n/c with xDIL. However that is not possible as there is this wee grandchild in the mix.

We feel for you. At times it seems that all we talked about was BPD. I have to consciously 'switch' off and do some serious self care: go out for a coffee with a friend, go to the movies, do some shopping or reward myself with a warm leisurely bath with candles and bubbles. Anything to cheer myself up. Mindfulness is another great tool.

Look after yourself. I remind myself often of the three C's: I didn't Cause it, I can't Cure it, I can't Control it.

Welcome to this site, it has helped me tremendously.