"Another man"

[VeryFree]

Hi all,

Earlier today I spoke with my T. It was two weeks since I last went there.

I felt rather good today. Had some sad feeling last few day, irritated by a few things my stbx did (that I heard of), but on the sunny side: I made some choices that makes me feel good about myself: picking up some old activities on a very basic level (due to circumstances), start training again and give myself some free time to relax (read: just do nothing; not work, not fun things, just time for myself for doing what I feel to at that moment).

I talked to my T and was told it looked like a totally different man was sitting there, than 14 days ago.

I realize I'm not there yet, I have a lot of grieving to do, a lot of reordering, a lot of sadness that has to disappear and I know that the upcoming divorce will take it's toll on me. But: I think I can handle it.

Last month I've learned a lot: a lot about BPD, a lot about my stbx, but mostly: a lot about myself. And right now I'm shifting from wanting to know about BPD and what went wrong on her side, to wanting to know about myself. And I find that's very positive.

I have these boards and its inhabitants to thank for that: reading about your stories, been asked questions and reading other persons answers has brought me a lot. Thank you for that!

 

[Mara2]

 

[Somewhere]

Keep this up and you will have to change your name.

[healingmyheart]

It's a good feeling isn't it?  I'm right where you... .  shifting from worrying about my ex BPD boyfriend and now I'm worrying about "me".  My focus is now me after a very difficult breakup with I initiated due to lies/deceit and verbal abuse towards myself and my daughter. 

I am learning who I am... .  going to gym, volunteering, reading, redecorating my house and reclaiming it as mine.  I'm starting to feel empowered by the focus on me... .  I've never focused just on me before and it feels good. 

I wish you the best of luck and hope you keep moving forward.  It's been a difficult journey but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. 

[slimmiller]

 

Awesome and good for you! Thanks for sharing, its exactly what I needed to read.

I have started down the same path but am not where you are yet. I may not know exactly where I am going but I will not stay where Iam or was

[Maryiscontrary]

Good job. Many congrats. I am also a very different woman. I really like the person I am becoming.

[Suzn]

I'm shifting from wanting to know about BPD and what went wrong on her side, to wanting to know about myself. And I find that's very positive.

 <-- Two thumbs up! This IS a very positive thing. Good for you for taking the time to get to know you.

[VeryFree]

Thank you all.

Even the day after this post I feel the same way. Good thing!

Another thing I realized waking up this morning: positive thinking brings positive thoughts brings happiness... .  

So when asked how I'm doing these days, I won't answer

"due to circumstances okay, a hard thing to get through, but I'll manage" BUT

"Very well, thank you. I've started a whole new life, a lot of changes, but a lot of new chances: onto a new life".

I did that yesterday evening for the first time and felt great about it!

[Surnia]

Another thing I realized waking up this morning: positive thinking brings positive thoughts brings happiness... .  

and 

Yes, when the positive thinking is in us, it starts growing like nature in spring... .  

[heartandwhole]

Fantastic post, VeryScared, very inspiring!   I'm happy for you and thanks for sharing. 

[maria1]

Nice one Veryscared, heartwarming post. Thank you for sharing your journey with us and all the very best with your continued growth  

[Mountaineagle]

That is really really awesome! Doing things for yourself is one of the best things you can do right now. Small steps will take you anywhere. I was introduced to Kaizen last year. Kaizen is a japanese business philosophy, where they look at improving everything in small steps. The workers are asked what they think will improve their workflow and work day regularly and 95% of the suggestions are implemented. Small things like the height of the workbench etc. I took it to the personal level, and asked myself what would make things better for myself. And doing it in small steps was essential because of my depression and lack of energy. The small things counts in feeling better. I now wait for the water to be in the right temperature before I wash my hands It is like an act to care for myself. I take fish oil everyday and it is also an act to take care of myself. Of the big things I have begun budgeting because paying bills was a source of stress, it is now eliminated because now I know what is coming and how much money I have. And I started exercising. Everything is in the spirit of being beneficial for me and making my day better and easier.

This is the article that inspired me: www.huffingtonpost.com/rita-schiano/kaizen_b_1228438.html   

[Somewhere]

That is really really awesome! Doing things for yourself is one of the best things you can do right now. Small steps will take you anywhere. I was introduced to Kaizen last year. Kaizen is a japanese business philosophy, where they look at improving everything in small steps. The workers are asked what they think will improve their workflow and work day regularly and 95% of the suggestions are implemented. Small things like the height of the workbench etc. I took it to the personal level, and asked myself what would make things better for myself. And doing it in small steps was essential because of my depression and lack of energy. The small things counts in feeling better. I now wait for the water to be in the right temperature before I wash my hands It is like an act to care for myself. I take fish oil everyday and it is also an act to take care of myself. Of the big things I have begun budgeting because paying bills was a source of stress, it is now eliminated because now I know what is coming and how much money I have. And I started exercising. Everything is in the spirit of being beneficial for me and making my day better and easier.

This is the article that inspired me: www.huffingtonpost.com/rita-schiano/kaizen_b_1228438.html   

Thanks!

[VeryFree]

This is the article that inspired me: www.huffingtonpost.com/rita-schiano/kaizen_b_1228438.html   

Thanks. Interesting read!

[VeryFree]

I don't know if I made another step, but I'm a little bit proud of something I was told yesterday.

I see myself as a serious, closed type. A bit quiet, feeling okay in the shadow, don't have to be in the spotlights. Probably that all has to do with some self-esteem-issues.

After being single for a few months I realised it's not a bad thing to step out of the shadows now and then. Not excessively, but showing more of yourself. At the same time I realised I had started that allready. Like I got out of my marriage-cage. And it felt good.

To be clear: I'm not standing on the tables entertaining the crowd. That's not me, that will never be me. I'm just trying to be more accessable and present.

About the proudness: I was told that somebody that's trying to hook me up with a gf of hers described me as "open, spontaneous, open-hearted, kind and humorous guy". At first I thought: "that's not me, she's just trying to 'sell' me".

Giving it some more thought I still think it's not entirely me, but I've probably made some steps: from the caged-inn (is this a word?) puppy to a free dog.