I messed up...

[spaceace]

February 2011 I stopped payments on my home I built for my kids and me. My wife lived with me for a total of 19 months then left for really crazy erratic reasons. Although everyone was home by 3:30 pm daily, and she didn't get home until 5:30 pm, she was unhappy with her 3 kids not having enough structured interactions from me and my 3 kids. Basically, she wanted us to get a babysitter to come to the house and give her children schooling tasks and structured play time. For two hours of the day. Regardless that I was there working from home, and my 3 kids where there playing and interacting with them. She is very much into attachment parenting, which is not the way I raised my kids. This whole concept was new to me. Regardless, who knows what drove her to want her kids to have structured interactions for 2 hours before she came home. When I suggested we not hire a babysitter, but work on some specific things she would like her children to do after they get home from school, I would gladly work with them.

To say she raged when I said this would be a gross understatement. She told me to shut the %&ck up!

I was floored. She never said anything like that to me. Within 3 weeks of that happening, she moved out. It was unbelievably brutal to watch her leave. I was devastated. I had no idea why this was happening and what to do to get her to sit down and reason with me about doing something for her kids, and to get her to not move out. She left anyway.

I made a decision shortly thereafter to stop payments on my house. I was in a financial bind. My mortgage reset just as she made the decision to leave. The payment went way up and I no longer had her income. I was basically screwed and didn't know what to do. This was the worst mistake of my life. 46 years old and I just lost the love of my life over reasons that made sense to her only, and now I am walking into a situation with my house with no chance of recovery.

Fast forward 4 months, she has now decided to move back in with me. But not in my house. She wants a new house. Somewhere closer to her kids school. She moved 45 miles away and she wanted to stay there. Ok, so I figure, I am losing my house anyway, let me take the money I have that I am not paying on the mortgage and we will figure this out. I will find a house. I plopped down several thousand dollars to break her lease and rent a new home, with a garden, chicken's, bees, an acre of secluded land in one of the most desirable areas of our state. Life could not be any better. Or so I thought.

9 months later, she kicks me and my children out. That was May 2012. We are reaching the 1 year mandatory mark where I can file divorce. I contacted her yesterday via text and I went to town about how she's hurt me, how I am screwed now because I MUST move out now since the bank sold my house, and I am screwed financially because she would not file taxes jointly and now I owe the IRS a very large sum due to taking all 7 of our kids as deductions and not changing that.

I then tell her I will be leaving the stuff she left in the house 2 years ago and she can pick it up when I contact her. It will be soon. I've already rented a new place.

This morning she thanks me for contacting her. I saw this as an opportunity to lay into her and boy did I do myself and her a disservice. After several texts she comes back and says she will be filing a restraining order against me for harassment.

I should know better than to contact her. It is useless and nothing good ever comes out of it. Do i think she will file paperwork against me? I doubt it. But I realized as I was in the thick of things, she doesn't need this. I am overstepping boundaries. It's been nearly 6 months of very limited contact. And the last 1.5 months there has been complete NC by us both.

The moral of the story. At some point, no matter what curve balls life throws our way, we must take responsibility for our life. We must let go. Respecting boundaries is crucial not only for us, but really, for them as well. At the end of the day, my anger about how things turned out really isn't my issue. My issue is, I am hurt and I want her to make amends and say sorry. That is a useless endeavor to embark on. It matter little anymore. It is over. I have to accept it and move on.

I think that regardless if she is diagnosed with a Personality Disorder of not, it makes little difference. What happened is in the past. I need to let go. I need to move on. I need to heal me. I cannot contact or bother her and expect anything resembling closure with her. That will come from within.

I know I do not want her. To be with her. To ever go down these dark and twisted alley's that were our marriage. What I experienced years ago has long disappeared. My sadness and loneliness is of no concern of hers.

[Newton]

spaceace I am so very sorry to hear about the pain and loss you have experienced... .  

Your solace will come from the acceptance you are already expressing... .  it is such a hard place to get to but is so empowering and liberating... .  it goes beyond forgiving another for their shocking behaviour... .  it is about us, and our future... .  and understanding that the past is just that... .  

Your thread title of "I messed up" is a little harsh on yourself... .  you made contact... .  she behaved as she does... .  thats it... .  acceptance that this is the dynamic and she can offer little else is a fact... .  as is the fact that you will learn from this.

Yes you are dealing with some pretty heavy crap right now... .  but you sound well on your way to a healthy emotional future... .  the insight you have is the key 

[afterdeath]

The only thing I'm confused about is why did she get the house you paid for? I may be missing some information.

Either way you seem to be handling these frustrating times pretty well considering the situations and circumstances.

Respect yourself and hold tight to your boundaries, sounds like she had a tendency of stepping all over you and assuming all control belonged to her.

Wishing you the best of luck in the future, focus on you and your kids, you may be in for a bumpy future but I think you'll come through just fine as long as you keep calm and focus on you while forgetting about her. Easier said than done I know.

But best of luck to you, keep posting when you feel weak.

"if you try really hard, things eventually always get better"

[spaceace]

afterdeath,

It was a rental. It wasn't a house we bought. When she told us to leave, she went completely NC on me for 2 months. I went back to my house with my children, the house that is in foreclosure and I am moving out of now.

I know trying to re-tell the story, sometime the thoughts don't always come out fully formed.

You know what I am learning, or what I see... .  I had the greatest time of my life with my wife. I really loved being with her unlike anyone I was ever with. I miss that. I miss her. I have never understood or made sense out of how someone can just switch the light off overnight. It is so confusing. I read so many stories on this board where people experience the same thing. And when you are painted black, for lack of a better term, it is as if you've been sucked through some vortex of hell, trying to figure out, what just happened, and what can I do to make her see whatever she is experiencing isn't what she thinks. It is okay. I truly do love you and want you to feel safe. I had said that more times than I could imagine. So heartbreaking to read these stories on this board. Even knowing there is something off, something not right, and knowing her behavior is not coming from a place of logic, I see, nothing I did could have stopped this from happening. No matter what I did, no matter what I said, it mattered little. I have learned, that is not the way a healthy relationship works.

Now, at the end of the road, I am just bidding my time and waiting to file divorce paperwork and I feel like I let her down, failed her in some way. Even though logically speaking, that isn't the case and I know it.

[Validation78]

Hi Space!

Yep, you may have made some mistakes, just like the rest of us! That doesn't negate the fact that if you are involved with a pwBPD, all bets are off. Meaning, they are carrying on in a manner none of us could ever have imagined if we were not familiar with BPD. Therefore, our behaviors are bound to be less than  typical either. The difference is, healthy people recognize the need to change our behaviors, and to learn and grow from our mistakes. The unhealthy want to blame it all on someone else.

Forgive yourself for saying and doing things that were perhaps uncharacteristic of who you are. Learn new ways to deal with anger, stress, disappointment, etc, all the emotions that arise when dealing with a pwBPD. Decide to do it differently from now on. Of course you will have to since you have children, and learning new skills will be of great benefit. Learn all you can about BPD. Knowledge is power friend, and since she, and BPD will forever be a part of your life, you'd best become an expert!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[recoil]

I just wanted to share my experience to let you know you are not alone.

I lived in a nice house before I started dating my ex.  It was a home I bought with my late wife.  Unfortunately, my late wife's parents lived across the street (was fine while she was alive).  

Before my ex moved in, I thought we should rent out my home and get us something else (so we would not be that close to my late wife's parents for obvious reasons).  She thought we'd be fine in that house so we gave it a try.  We didn't last 60 days together in that house.  Granted, I knew better.

She moved out but we didn't truly break-up.  About seven months later, I bought a new house for all of us.  We moved in.  It didn't last 30 days.  This time, it was me who got fed up and asked her to leave.  

We were apart for about a month.  After that, she would never walk into my house, even after we got back together.

About three months later, I helped her buy a house.  I figured she'd feel differently if I moved into her home (in the distant future) -- knowing I would have to leave, not her.  Things were going pretty good.  She expressed a desire for me to buy the house next door to her.  The house was fugly so I wasn't interested.  But I did buy a home about 20 seconds up the street by car.

After I signed the contract, she wanted a break.  I don't do breaks so we broke up.  I could not get out of buying the new home.  I also had a contract on my existing house as well (at a loss, naturally).

So next week, I'm moving up the street from my ex.