Do they grieve at all?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Since my break up with my uexBPD, I have been constantly asking myself this question. Do they grieve at all? I mean, I have been an absolute mess for over 3 months, agonizing over the 3 years of memories with her and her daughter. She seemed to have flipped a switch immediately without a regard for what I provided for her and her baby for these last 3 years, something most 26 year olds with a 5 year old daughter would love and appreciate. I grieve on regular basis, constantly crying myself to sleep, and wonder how something so drastic could have possibly happened. She seemed to have a plan, took off, and seems to thrive off her new life, which by the way, is a complete downgrade from her relationship with me. It is pretty scary. So, do they grieve, at all? I mean, the one conversation we had in the last 3 months, she said 2 things to me. One, she said what I did for her and her baby over the last 3 years meant nothing to her, and two, that the grass IS indeed greener on the other side because her new life does not have me in it. One conversation, 3 months, and that is all she could say to me. I am broken, still trying to pick up the pieces. 

[BrewCrew17]

Since my break up with my uexBPD, I have been constantly asking myself this question. Do they grieve at all? I mean, I have been an absolute mess for over 3 months, agonizing over the 3 years of memories with her and her daughter. She seemed to have flipped a switch immediately without a regard for what I provided for her and her baby for these last 3 years, something most 26 year olds with a 5 year old daughter would love and appreciate. I grieve on regular basis, constantly crying myself to sleep, and wonder how something so drastic could have possibly happened. She seemed to have a plan, took off, and seems to thrive off her new life, which by the way, is a complete downgrade from her relationship with me. It is pretty scary. So, do they grieve, at all? I mean, the one conversation we had in the last 3 months, she said 2 things to me. One, she said what I did for her and her baby over the last 3 years meant nothing to her, and two, that the grass IS indeed greener on the other side because her new life does not have me in it. One conversation, 3 months, and that is all she could say to me. I am broken, still trying to pick up the pieces. 

[Surnia]

BrewCrew

first a big 

Its hard picking ub the pieces, grieving, feeling shattered.

She is apparently choosing a different way: Running in a new rs, avoiding her griev. It is not better, perhaps right now easier, not for longterm thinking.

Dont focus to much on her words.

Which things in your life are helping you right now to have some better moments?

[laelle]

Hey BrewCrew,

From your post, I can see your in alot of pain.  I can see you are trying to make rational sense of out it all.  You cant make rational out of what is irrational.

Someone with BPD lives in a dysfunctional, irrational world.

I think true grieving is something that they are not emotionally mature enough to do.  Its easier to run away rather than to "man up" to their own actions and emotions.

Taking responsibility for their actions would trigger a very complex set of reactions and emotions that would be as painful as death for them. They would have to question their own right to exist in their dysfunctional universe.  They just dont have the ability to do that without therapy.

What are you doing for you?  Its very important for you to take some time out and do the things that you enjoy doing.  I know sometimes its hard to get started, but it really helped me in picking the pieces up and starting over.  Better than before.

Laelle  

[Whichwayisup]

Hi BrewCrew,

I have no sage advice or words of wisdom; cos I feel exactly the same, I'm three weeks from discovering her cheating ways but got a head start by suspecting BPD in January.

I just want to let you know you are not alone - the flick of a switch is exactly what seems to have happened - here one minute and gone the next.  It's only those closest that can appreciate that - but what chance have kids of understanding when we can't, kids are the cannon fodder of this action seemingly.

Time to focus on us (and focus on what that even means!  )

[WalrusGumboot]

Hey BrewCrew, here's a man-hug 

I am a 23 years veteran of the craziness and just celebrated one year since my divorce a few days ago. My ex re-married within 6 months of the divorce after stating emphatically that she never would remarry. I can tell you that the only thing that makes sense is that we won't ever completely understand the disordered mind, and you need to keep repeating this to yourself.

They are consumed with stopping pain that we cannot see in them because it is internal. They are doing what they see as fitting, and yes, there is carnage in their wake. We are left to pick up the pieces of our lives and move on. So this is the point that others brought up here, that your focus right now is YOU and the future. What you did or didn't do during the relationship is already forgotten by her. What she said to you could have been any ex, so it shouldn't be taken too personally.

It's time to forgive yourself. I know, easier said than done. It has been a slow road for me, but good progress has been made. You can do it.

WG

[nolisan]

I really see relationships with BPDs as little different from alcoholics or addicts. They are completely self centered and lack empathy for those around them.

"The alcoholic is like a tornado roaring his way through the lives of others. Hearts are broken. Sweet relationships are dead. Affections have been uprooted. Selfish and inconsiderate habits have kept he home in turmoil. We feel a man is unthinking when he says that sobriety is enough. He is like the farmer who came up out of his cyclone cellar to find his home ruined. To his wife, he remarked, “Don’t see anything the matter here, Ma. Ain’t it grand the wind stopped blowin’?” The Big Book of AA

[Vegasskydiver]

I disagree with all of you.  I think that they do feel pain.  They may "shut down" in the beginning but they do feel pain and regret eventually.  I have been following posts on a board where pwBPD post and they most certainly feel pain, maybe even more so than we do.

[laelle]

Of course they feel pain, they just soothe it through other people rather than being able to process it themselves.

If you see someone posting on a BPD board, chances are they are trying to work through their problems.

I never said they dont have feelings, only that most can not process grief in a healthy way.  My ex told me once that he felt "too" much, and had to block the feelings.

[ScotisGone74]

They are more than likely in a state of constant emotional pain, so yes, they feel pain, unfortunately it is nothing like the way you or I may feel pain.  Their pain is only relieved by living the life of another, by using someone else to feed off of, basically as a mentally, emotionally, psycholigically draining vampire.  The only way they can live is to continue to receive 'New' blood. 

. 

[seeking balance]

It has been suggested by experts - Linehan, etc - that people with BPD have the emotional skin of 3rd degree burns.  As such, triple the pain you feel in grief - as such, the pwBPD brain itself in a survival mode uses maladaptive coping methods to alleviate the pain.  This is mainly unconscious in the pwBPD.

As Surnia suggested, to heal - focus on your own recovery rather than try to understand the words/actions of your BPD.

Understanding - truly understanding - this was not about you - the actions you see are not about you.  BPD is a serious mental illness.  BPD traits are ingrained behavior that will take serious therapy and mindfulness to change.

Peace,

SB

[goldylamont]

Since my break up with my uexBPD, I have been constantly asking myself this question. Do they grieve at all?

just throwing my 2 cents in with a story and hopefully it will help. my thoughts is that, yes they grieve, perhaps even more so than us. the first mark of their grief is them immediately seeking a new r/s to fill the void of losing you.

check it--a couple weeks after my ex moved out she was calling/texting vague but suggestive things like "i'll be thinking about you", etc. it felt fake to me, i was still very torn up inside and i felt she was being a fraud b/c her current r/s obviously wasn't all she made it out to be. i knew she was just using me to get some mental relief, which i now realize is what "triangulation (read definition)" is. anyways, i gave her a call after about a week or so of this contact from her and told her i felt "that we are both somewhat weakened now, and i appreciate you contacting me but i feel like we should have NC for a while so we can both heal... .  " Her response, (cue the most demonic hiss/scream possible) was "Weak? I'M NOT WEAK! Maybe YOU'RE weak. Please, FU! You've gotta be kidding me--I'm so OVER YOU, I was just trying to be nice and be friends, , you think i wanted you? Missed you? ! OK, if YOU feel weak then fine we don't have to talk, but I'm So Over Mourning you. I've been over mourning you since before our r/s even ended!" aaaaand, 5 months later she tells me "i thought of you every day, i miss the way you smell, i cry when i read the letter you wrote, i dream of waking up to you every morning, i'm still in love with you and never stopped loving you". both are true lies

so, all of this is to say, yeah. she's hurting, but unlike normal people it's of utmost importance to make it *look* like she's not hurting, especially when she doesn't need you now b/c she has someone else to victimize. But, later on, sure enough, she'll be back when she needs you and her story will be much different. if she's treating you like dung, it's b/c she doesn't need you at the moment, or b/c she doesn't *want* to appear to need you. give her current r/s a chance to fragment, and if you're not the strong type she'll be back with an odd nicety about her.

I'm so in agreement with others posting here about BPD's and the lacking integrity therein. I do feel you could interchange the terms "BPD" with "lack of integrity disorder, but they think it's cool"

[LoveNotWar]

YES... .  my ex is definitely grieving. Last week he sent me an email about how alone and miserable he Is.

I saw him at a run last weekend (from a distance, didn't say hi) and he looks like he aged 10 years in 9 months.

The problem is he doesn't connect his own behavior with the loss of the relationship. He sees him self as the poor, sad and abused victim and that's the story he spins for his new ladies.