What to do when BPD rages in the car

[shammick]

Hi

Just wondering what people do when your BPDso rages at you for whatever reason while you're driving? Or while she's driving, and you're sitting next to her/him? It's easier to draw boundaries and make a graceful exit when you're at home or somewhere else so the verbal abuse doesn't continue and so the emotional disregulation doesn't escalate, but when you're literally trapped in a moving vehicle, this is not an option.

Complicating this is the fact that I also have children, who are in the car too. What do others do? Looking for some good advice.

Thanks.


Sam

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[wanttoknowmore]

shammik,

This is a good question. I had this experience of pwBPD in my passenger seat... . returning from hospice... . her mother's memories erupted and she started talking strange ... . mumbling and trying to call her deceased mother on her cell ... .  bizzare... .  I saw she was looking blank in space... . staring... . eyes

still... .  I said... . Stop it... .  she opens the car door and jumps out on the road and started walking on sidewalk... . tried to call many times. ... . no answer... . she got lost in crowd but reached home luckily.

You have to be calm and caring... . escalation while she is in car can be risky and dangerous. Try to sooth her and validate her feeling as much as you can.

May be you would like to stop in shopping plaza and have some soda for her or juice whatever she likes.

[Wanda]

wow ! this brings back memories well 15 years ago... .

THis use to happen alot with him driving or i was driving,

If i drove and he acted up i asked him to get out of the car, my boundary was if this happens i will not drive with  you for one week. and we did this alot which he didn't like.

if he was driving i would get out and walk, and notdrive with him for a week. I set this boundary 15 years ago and to this day neither of us have had to leave the vehicle due to a BPD episode.

but he is high functioning and is undiagnoised.   

[shammick]

Thanks for the replies, that's helpful. I especially like the 'no driving with me for a week' boundary, this is a good idea, will try it.

I'm just amazed today how similar this is to parenting. I have two kids, 5yo and 1.5yo. When they do something inappropriate, I must set boundaries and draw consequences, some logical and natural, some enforced and created by me. But unless I am consistent with these boundaries, and firm with them, they don't work. But once I am consistent and firm, they both respond (even the 1.5 yr old!) so quickly. And Iguess this makes sense, since pwBPD really are like toddlers emotionally, just it's so easy to forget sometimes.

Thanks.



Sam

[wdone]

this has happened about 6-7 times in the last 6 years... .  

my BPDbf will start raging, one time he punched the dashboard over and over while screaming and i pulled over and told him to get out. he did.

(we had been talking about a topic that triggered his intimacy issues)

this past friday night, we were "stuck" in a parking garage and his agitation and rage came out of the blue!  apparently, he felt "trapped" - we had pulled in and discovered there was a back up and we were at a complete stop for a while. 

what i did this time was to detach and breathe. i stayed really calm, and felt really calm. i did remind him that he doesn't have control over the situation and for some reason that seemed to help a little.  i didn't react.  he calmed down and we made it out alright.

i did have a bit of a panicked feeling come up for a second, though... .  it is an uncomfortable and scary situation. 

i like the suggestion of getting out of the car if you can.  my bf has driven 100 mph before, seeming to be dissociated or zoned out... .  THAT was a bad situation... . and i didn't know what to do.

[toomanyeggshells]

This happens to me all too often, unfortunately.  UBPDbf almost always drives when we go out.  When he starts ranting and raving, I just sit calmly, stare out the side window and bite my tongue.  I would never antagonize him when he's driving.  I've even thought of jumping in the back seat a few times and one day I may have to do that. 

[turtle]

I don't normally post on Staying, but this caught my eye.

I dealt with this on a regular basis while I was still in the pwBPD relationship.

He did many frightening things while driving.  Here's just a few examples:

Threw my car into reverse on the highway, nearly causing a pile up behind us and causing MAJOR damage to my car.

Drove erratically darting in and out of traffic, nearly hitting many other cars and throwing me all over within the car -- I hit my head very hard on the passenger window and had a mild concussion.

On one occasion he was hanging out of the sunroof screaming obscenities at the top of his lungs.  I was in the far lane of traffic and couldn't get to an exit right away.  Of course, I exited as soon as possible and pulled off to the side.  He was furious that I had done that and was so out of control that I got out of the car and started walking.  Just didn't know what else to do.  He ended up breaking my car door off.  Sigh.

Before it was all over, the boundary I had to set was... .  "I won't EVER be in a car with you."  It worked for the rages on the road, but it's ridiculous to have to take two cars everywhere.

turtle

[Mike76]

Sorry I did not read the entire post or all responses but... .  I felt the need to respond.

My uBPDw used to rage in the car oftern... .  a boundary just about completely stopped this from happening in recent times... .  

It would become such an angry rage... .  (would escalate for verbal) she would punch and even almost strangle me while I was driving down the road.   Thank goodness this has stopped, but this is one thing I hang onto from the paste... .  I think so a a protection type thing.

[jrx]

My pwBPD would sometimes sit in the backseat when she was particularly upset with me. There were occasions when she would start hitting me in the head from the backseat while I was driving.

Since it was open palm, it was distracting but not as dangerous as it could be. So I'd continue driving hoping I'd pull up next to a cop at a stop light. (There's never a cop around when you need one.) Otherwise, I'd drop her off at home. If she refused to leave the car, I'd just go inside and leave her in it.

[sadeyes]

I I have gotten out at a stoplight on the 4 lane before. I make sure I have a bit of money on my person at all times. Not a lot, but enough for a taxi or something to get somewhere safe to wait while I call someone to get me. If it is less serious, I keep my mouth shut and stare out the window. If I am driving I pull the car over until he agrees to be quiet until we get home. He has grabbed the wheel while driving on the expressway, and tried to swerve the car.

[waverider]

This is common because they know you are trapped and gives them power.

Only way to deal with this is first of all dont dbate anything while in a catr to reduce triggering, but if it does happen you need strong and drastic boundaries to override this power position.

This may mean stopping the car and finding alternative means home. Turning around and cancelling the trip. Refusing to travel with them in a car for a period of time. These are drastic measures and will incur much inconvenience for all. But drastic measures will be needed to deal with these "trapped" scenarios. Empty demands/threats/negotiations will get you nowhere.

Engaging in arguments when you have no obvious escape route is to be avoided at all costs.

[egribkb]

Engaging in arguments when you have no obvious escape route is to be avoided at all costs.

^-- Re-quoted for the emphasis of truth.

I used to just bask in the cool refreshing breeze as she screamed at me. On some days it was like a nice sea gust bringing bits of moisture with it, that unfortunately smelled like onions.

[shammick]

Thanks for the replies, everyone. Many of the scenarios brought back such awful memories for me. Thank god that my wife has made significant progress in the last few years and this seems to be a temporary setback. I realize, though, that for some reason, I have not been as diligent about boundaries in the car as I am say, at home. Partly the kids, i think, but mostly i think just becuase i have been too soft.

[waverider]

Thanks for the replies, everyone. Many of the scenarios brought back such awful memories for me. Thank god that my wife has made significant progress in the last few years and this seems to be a temporary setback. I realize, though, that for some reason, I have not been as diligent about boundaries in the car as I am say, at home. Partly the kids, i think, but mostly i think just becuase i have been too soft.

Do feel trapped and thus less empowered to react appropriately?