IF BPD comes back can you just befreinds with them?

[Depression = 72% of members]

  I was thinking that if my ex BPD came back if It would be possible to just stay friends?   What do you think?

[jonnyz]

  I was thinking that if my ex BPD came back if It would be possible to just stay friends?   What do you think?

[Surnia]

Honestly, jonnyz, I dont know. Not knowing you or her... .  

Would you like to be friend with her? Are you really grounded and with good boundaries just in case she try to recycle?

What about first reaching out for other friendships or reactivate old ones? And than asking yourself if you are still interested to be friend with her too?

[inepted]

I think it's possible, as long as you keep a realistic approach to it. Since breaking up, Ive been able to remain friends with my exBPD. Well. She sees me as a friend anyways. Im not really sure what I see her as. We'll still chat, and she'll still tell me about whats going on in her life. In a way I guess I still keep her in my life because I somewhat pity her. While i dont love her, I still do care about her. Something I quickly realized though is now that we aren't together, I cant count on her for anything. She puts all her effort into pretending everything is okay in her life, when the few people still close to know how quickly things have been falling apart. If she needs something, she still expects me to jump when she asks, like texting me at 5am. When I dont, she gets mad. She also still constantly seeks my approval/validation for everything. Ive learned to just shrug it off.

But like Surnia said, its hard to tell. If your ex is actively working on getting better, I think its entirely possible to still be friends.

[GreenMango]

Kind of hard to be friends with a person when there is character issues and one or both people feel more than friends.

Friends are blessing and have the wonderful quality of empathy, respect, and consideration.  There's an awareness of reasonable and appropriate.  

Without this being friends can be hard... .  passing acquaintance sure.  Guess it depends on what a friend is to you.  BPD is a disorder that affects interpersonal relationships of all kinds - friends, family, romantic, etc.  Maybe take a look at how this person treated their "friends" and how that panned out.

[VeryFree]

For me it's not the question if it's possible, but if I want.

And the answer is loud and clear: no.

I'm ready to forgive her, I'm ready to forgive myself, but I will NEVER forget what happened and what could happen again. In every r/s, whether it's love or just friendship there should be certain amount of trust. I would never trust my stbx again.

Above that: why stick in the past, in a bad situation. Life can be beautiful. Live it!

[mcc503764]

This is a good question, and definately one that I think that we often try and convince ourselves of... .  

Look, you were in a relationship with this person.  They may have been the "love of your life?"  I could maybe see being friends 20+ years from now, but not in the immediate future!

You may only know each other as a romantic partner?  simply put, do you even know how to be friends? 

From my experience, it doesnt work.  I dont think the BPD has the skills to be a friend.  They have NO sense of boundaries, and their selfishness is too extreme to have any sort of meaningful friend r/s with this person.

Unfortunately, debating "friendship" with the BPD is bargaining with yourself, trying to say "I'll take them anyway I can get them?"  Trust me, I've been there many times.  I still struggle with it, but I know that I am recovering because the logical part of my mind tells me that she doesnt have the capabilities of a meaningful r/s, then how in the world do I think she could be any sort of a "friend" that I would even want in my lif?

Just my experience

MCC

[WalrusGumboot]

I've seen and heard the way she treated her "friends" and how she acted nice to their face, and ripped them a new one behind their back. I would be foolish to think it wouldn't be the same for us. So, no way.

[seeking balance]

What is your definition of friend jonnyz?

[mcc503764]

call me dileusional, however I feel that someone who is in a r/s with me should be my best friend.  obviously mine was not able to sustain a r/s with me and it drove me crazy, so I couldnt even imagine attempting a "friendship" with her... .  

My friends are typically there for me.  They respect me.  They do not use me.  I can talk to my friends and they talk to me... .  all of which my x couldnt do... .  

that in itself tells me everything I need to know on that one!

MCC

[HostNoMore]

jonnyz:

I am going to second the wise words of GM. True friendship is something a person afflicted with BPD simply cannot deliver very well.  It may ever trigger the BPD.

In my case, I have never hated my exBPDgf for what I allowed her to put me through, but I could never be friends with such a selfish person. True friendship is a two way street, and BPDs are pretty much all about themselves. 

I do have a very close friendship with an ex from nearly 20 years ago.  We spent a few years hating each other intensely way back when after the breakup but are now quite close.  She actually cares about me and my well being and even goes out of her way to check up on me sometimes as I live alone.  My BPDex only cares about herself and whatever impulse she has at the moment.

Find people who accept you for who you are for those are your true friends, and it even applies to potential lovers too.

[turtle]

You know the saying "with friends like that, who needs enemies?"

It applies here.

turtle

[jonnyz]

Kind of hard to be friends with a person when there is character issues and one or both people feel more than friends.

Friends are blessing and have the wonderful quality of empathy, respect, and consideration.  There's an awareness of reasonable and appropriate.  

Without this being friends can be hard... .  passing acquaintance sure.  Guess it depends on what a friend is to you.  BPD is a disorder that affects interpersonal relationships of all kinds - friends, family, romantic, etc.  Maybe take a look at how this person treated their "friends" and how that panned out.

    Well said. Thank you.

[jonnyz]

I really don't think I have to worry about being friends or anything with her.  I have not hear from her since is wrote me a rude message about unfriending her daughter on facebook.  I did not response to it for a three weeks later. Then wrote her that her daughter wants to stay friend with me.  She never read it anyway.    One night I got gas where she works and she never look at me once and she did not even answer my question  "HO whave you been?"     I'm pretty sure she will not be recycling me or trying to be freinds.    I was just wondering if anyone had just stayed friends with ex BPD.   

[jonnyz]

What is your definition of friend jonnyz?

Someone I can trust, do things with and talk too with out judgement.  Someone you is fun and has genuine caring.  Basic everything my BPD ex was at the beginning of  relationship and  has it urns ou tcould not handle it.     I'm pretty sure she will not be knocking at my door.  She is  pretty good at getting men that come in to gas station where she works to date her.  No worries.

[jonnyz]

You know the saying "with friends like that, who needs enemies?"

It applies here.

turtle

  Right ON!

[theboro504]

I agree with Turtle. If what I went through is how she treats her friends, I mean (according to her) "best friend", I think I would have to pass. At least my enemies tell me the truth.

[HardDaysNight]

Not in my definition of friend.  I need to be able to trust my friends, the BPD in my life has betrayed that trust many times and done some very dispicable thigns to our children.  Such a person can never be my friend.

Now could I be an adult and have a cordial relationship with this person.  Yes.  But there will never be trust.

[sunrising]

If I had a friend who cycled men and out of her life, as well as her son's life, the way my ex did, I don't think I'd respect them the way I like to respect my friends. Obviously I allow my friends to make mistakes, but the same one over and over, at the expense of good people like all of you here, is a bit much to stomach.  I realize it's a disorder, but the result is behavior of low character, the likes of which I'd hesitate to accept from even a friend.

[Wooddragon]

I tried it with mine and it didn't work. He didn't suddenly go from being manipulative and deceitful to a respecter of feelings and boundaries just because the nature of the relationship had changed. I suppose it was part of the bargaining stage for me. Maybe the only upside was that I had the opportunity to observe the disorder in action more objectively, and realised that there would never have been any hope for a future with him.

[mcc503764]

unfortunately, there is NO consistency with these relationships.  There is nothing to count on.  There are NO boundaries, NO respect, and NOTHING that is beneficial for yourself! 

Sure, they can "play the part" for a given amount of time, as they are experts in mirroring anything, but unfortunately they are not in it for the long haul.

Once their needs are met, they will find a way to twist something around, manipulate it, and move on to their next supply.

They are incapable of accepting any responsibility for their actions and once it comes time to acknowledge their actions or show any type of grown-up skills, they will run, pull away, or distance, just like they always do!  And when you try and talk to them about things, they will either use diversion tactics, or find a way to twist things around so that you will end up being the "wrong one."  Once you are the "wrong one," this justifies them leaving again, and in their minds, they are once again the "victim" who has the nerve to ask, "why can't we ever make it work?"  Really?

MCC

[costadelmar]

NO!

[Hurt llama]

My biggest problem is trying to be friends. It was never about friends for her and I can't plead ignorance. I ended it 3-4 years ago in a fireball and we maintained connection ever since.

I participated in push pull and we manipulated each other all the way to last month. I had seen her about 5-6x since we broke up.She came to see me (long distance thank god) 2x last month and I just can't forgive the way she's been pretty much since we met. I couldn't have tried harder and she did her best too. Every 'button' in me had been and is activated. 3 weeks since I ended it again... .  and 2nd week of the first No Contact ever attempted.

One of our last text conversations she innocently asked me if we are still friends.

I replied in an email I posted her that no, I can't be the "Special Friend' (her new phrase) or "Family" (another hook attempt)

I came to the conclusion we had a better chance together in a relationship than as friends... . and a thought I could try a relationship largely based on what I have learned her and in Staying.

It's not in me to disown a part of myself in order to be with her. She was as good as she can be but it's just not good enough.

So no. Can't be friends. It cost me more investing in that than being in the relationship, actually much more.

I've lost part of myself and am positively reeling now even though I have only seen her a handful of times since I ended the engagement.

[LosingIt2]

I was pretty adament about not being friends after she broke us up again. I kind of lost it the last we spoke. I angrily asked her why would i want to be friends with her (she wanted to be,but i can only imagine her ignoring me most of the time and leading me on under the guise of "friendship"? Anyway, i really regret it a lot of the time. However, as many have voiced here, i simply dont believe she is capable of actually being a good friend. Her motives are warped. Mine are too since i have feelings for her still. Does anyone else believe the offer for friendship has an ulterior motive for pwBPD

[theboro504]

Does anyone else believe the offer for friendship has an ulterior motive for pwBPD

Most things with them do.

There are a whole lot of other people in this world. I assume many of them are not liars, manipulators, takers and users of other people. Why do I need to be friends with this one woman who is? Or any person who is for that matter?

[caughtnreleased]

I tried, but it didn't work because:

1.I was too attracted to him

2. he was triangulating (read definition) like crazy (even called his new girlfriend while I was with him to tell her he was with me... .     )

3. it was one sided... .  I had to make all the effort.  It was like he was willing to be friends with me if he could use me in some way.

4. I didn't trust him enough to actually integrate him into my own circle of friends (I'd heard some bad stories about how he really screwed over people he'd labelled his "best friend"

That's not a friendship.

[hellnback]

I just got done trying this. Not much good came out of it. Just pain. try if you must. I had to. It hurts

[grad]

Rule #1 -- To continue contact with a ex pwBPD is only to explore new levels of pain.

Can you be friends?  It's possible, anything's possible, but I'm certain it's rare.  Just look at how many close friends they actually have and how many of them are ex's.

Wooddragon said it best:

They don't suddenly go from being manipulative and deceitful to a respecter of feelings and boundaries just because the nature of the relationship had changed.

I still see mine every week or two, the stakes get raised each time.  It's become obvious she still has feelings for me as she's shed tears discussing the failure of our short r/s where neither of us were ready, but it's almost as if she wants to fixate her need to inflict pain on me while promoting this facade of "true happiness" with their new supply.  I've seen her breakdown and exclaim "she hates her life" and then a week later tell me everything is great and show me pics to prove it.  Oh and the latest incident, this past weekend I was invited to go see her at work and her new boyfriend was sitting there.  Haven't decided on how to react to this latest incident yet but it's not sitting well with me and fortunately she hasn't contacted me since

Basically you have no idea what will come next but remember rule #1

[Iced]

I would like to perhaps play the devil's advocate here and say that, "YES, it IS possible to 'just be friends' with a pwBPD after the breaking up of a romantic relationship... .  

BUT IF AND ONLY IF the pwBPD is getting professional help (therapy) and is open to getting and receiving help... .  and if you yourself are prepared for the experience."

The reason I say this is because I once had a lover who had BPD and though we eventually parted ways for reasons having nothing to do with the BPD, we managed to stay friends and they were - for quite some time - one of my closest friends before moving and life changes literally separated us and sent us on our different ways.

Thing is, during the time that we were lovers, they were on top of doing therapy and though there were definitely 'those' times, they definitely saw improvement.

They were able to differentiate BPD from themselves/their 'real/true' selves without the BPD and over time with the help of therapy and some medication (to deal with anxiety and depression issues rather than the BPD itself), were able to mostly 'free' themselves from the 'I am BPD/BPD is me' frame of being.

This, to me, was crucial in determining whether or not we could maintain any kind of contact after the romance was over.

The last thing either of us wanted or needed were 'bad feelings' to keep cropping up or finding ourselves walking down memory lane every other time we talked or them having 'you left me!' abandonment issues.

That said, them being able to be in a 'Wise' frame of mind (basically, NOT in the BPD-infused state of mind) definitely helped in allowing for us to maintain a healthy friendship without having it being constantly fraught with anxiety, pain, anger, and other negative emotions.

One of the key successes to any interpersonal relationship, in my honest opinion, is boundaries and the mutual and honest understanding from both parties about the reasons for said boundaries.

People in the throes of BPD tend to have a difficult time with boundaries - understanding and respecting them to be precise - and this is why - again, my opinion - it can be so immensely difficult to 'be friends' again with a pwBPD after a relationship of any kind has been ended.

My former lover could understand and not fall apart when I refused their romantic gestures during the beginning of our separation as lovers and could accept friendship in its stead without drowning in the more typical whirlpool of thoughts related to "OMG, I'm hated!  I got abandoned!  I hate you, don't leave me!"  Yes, they expressed insecurity at times during the beginning, but without the rage and roller coaster emotions.

On the other hand, another former friend of mine with BPD couldn't even accept that my regular absences/lack of contact owing to schooling (and they knew my school schedule) were legitimate absences and were not simply attempts to leave or go behind their back in some manner or other.

[turtle]

Rule #1 -- To continue contact with a ex pwBPD is only to explore new levels of pain.

ABSOLUTELY!

[turtle]

Over the years, I've seen many people on these boards who have tried the "friend" thing.  From reading their descriptions, my main impression is that it HURTS!  And... .  it appears to me (granted I'm only seeing one side,) that the NON is the one doing ALL of the work for very little or nothing (except frustration and pain) in return.

Too many of us are lulled into the idea that the pwBPD in our life is capable of a quality friendship. I also think many of us think we'll try the "friend" thing, but really it's a false hope that things will be different.  History proves that it will NOT be different, but when we are so new to a break up, we are vulnerable to believing ANYTHING that we think might lessen our pain.

To me, "friends" (and the definition of that word varies greatly on these boards) is a relationship of maturity, trust, honesty, reliability, and reciprocity.  Most people with BPD are not capable of these things.  

I tried it with mine and it didn't work. He didn't suddenly go from being manipulative and deceitful to a respecter of feelings and boundaries just because the nature of the relationship had changed. I suppose it was part of the bargaining stage for me. Maybe the only upside was that I had the opportunity to observe the disorder in action more objectively, and realised that there would never have been any hope for a future with him.

I look at my current friends and put them in tiers.  The very bottom tier is quite large.  These are people that I know on a cursory level. I know statistics about them.  Where they work. Who they're married to. Where they live. Stuff like that. They are people I see at social functions and I would say I know them and they are my "friend," but I really know very little about who they are - and they know very little about me.  

The people on the next tier are people I make an effort to see.  I know more about them and they know more about me because we've invested time in each other.  This group is much smaller, but these are "friends" as well.

The top tier is very small because these kinds of friends take an investment in time, energy, emotion, etc.  These are the people that are my core "friends."  These are the people who are closest to me.  People that I confide in, and that confide in me.  At this level of my tiers of "friendship," there is a common goal of relationship dynamics that includes maturity, trust, honesty, reliability, and reciprocity. These are the people that I allow to call me on my ___ and they allow me to do the same. These are the people I would call in a crisis and they would call me as well.

As I look at my tiers of "friendship," there isn't one tier where my ex would fit.  Not ONE.  That's isn't because I don't care about him... .  that's because he is not capable of participating on ANY tier.

It seems that for those who try the "friend" thing, it boils down to what you can tolerate.  For me... .  I spend a lot of time in my life tolerating others (because of my job.)  When it comes to my free time, my social life, and my friendships, I just don't have the energy to invest in tolerating someone who I KNOW will hurt me. History proves that this is a fact that cannot be ignored.  I don't say that to bash him.  Not at all.  It's just a fact and a VERY important fact.  It is unfortunate that he is mentally ill.  I wrestled with that for a very long time, but that is a FACT.  And... .  his mental illness was one of the most debilitating things that has ever touched my life. It is way too risky for ME to have someone like that in my world... .  even on tier one.  And really... .  having him as a "friend" is a very irresponsible decision on MY part.  But that's just ME.

turtle